Our Day in Words...Kind of

I'm not going to be able to do this without sobbing...

I don't know where to start. How to start. My heart feels SO much, I don't think there's any possible way to put it all on paper. I'll do my best.

The last 48 hours have been a haze. I am numb from emotion and, surprisingly, am just now letting the unstoppable tears flow. I will tell you the whole story...but it's going to take time.

I've said this a hundred times before...THERE IS NO MANUAL for what we've just experienced. Don't get me wrong...Ty is the most beautiful piece of heaven I've ever seen...but his gift of life came at a very high price. My heart aches for Rebekah.

We talked this morning and, at times, could barely talk through our tears. Can you imagine her pain? Going into this she imagined that baby would look just like birth father and that she would be more than happy to hand him off...she didn't want remnants of bdad around. Today, she told me that the minute she saw his sweet face, her heart swelled with love and she didn't want to let go...Her pain eats at every inch of my heart.

He does not feel like my son.

I was completely taken off guard. He did not feel like my son when I saw him take his first breath...or when Ben cut the umbilical cord...or when he was placed in my arms for the first time. He felt like Rebekah's.

In the wee hours of the night, I held him to my chest...and thought of Rebekah. It's not hard to love him. He's perfect. It's hard to love him without hearing the pain in Rebekah's heart. Her cry has answered mine. But where does that leave her...?

Please remember the other Rebekah. And pray. [A few people have asked for her email/address. If you'd like to send her a card or gift please send it to me and I'll forward it on.]

The big day? It all seems like a fog. Starting out the day, after being up for 23 hours straight was a little rough. Rebekah checked in on June 16th, at 6:30am. We snuck a few hours of sleep in and met her their a little before 11am. They broke her water, induced her, and then we waited...and waited...and waited. We had an amazing day getting to know her family. She was progressing 1 cm every few hours - which equals a lot of hours! She was only at 4cm by late afternoon, so Ben and I decided to take a walk. We came back an hour later and all of the sudden we had action! Sadly, Rebekah's mom, who recently had back surgery, fell and was rushed to the emergency room. The stress caused baby's heart rate to drop really low. There was so much commotion, somewhere in that short time frame she jumped to 10cm and was ready to push! Man was it a whirlwind...

I had the privilege of helping her hold a leg up while she pushed. Ben stood up by her head, taking in the wonder of his first live birth! Rebekah pushed a few times and out came the start of my life. He was beautiful in every way...we, of course, all cried...and then he cried...which made us ooh and ahh. It was nothing short of a celebration. I reveled in the moments, willing all of them to slow, so that I'd remember them always. I loved watching her hold him...I felt no envy. Ben cut the cord and I looked on proudly... The next several hours were a blur. It was perfect and awesome and complete. We were all one big family, celebrating the birth of one sweet, sweet baby boy.

It did not bother me to see other people holding him and kissing his soft cheeks. It also didn't feel real.

The hospital gave us a room right next to Rebekah's and Rebekah requested that he be with us through the night. So surreal...

We let Rebekah have several hours of alone time with Ty the following morning. I felt conflicting emotions all day. Rebekah made sure everyone knew he was our son...yet he didn't feel like it. It wasn't until we sat down to sign the adoption paperwork that my emotions started flooding down. I choked back sobs as we aimlessly signed our names, page after page...Ben gave me a hand squeeze and I knew he was feeling the same...I remembered every tear, every closed door...every time we gave up. We never thought this would actually happen. Ben put Ty in the car and I slipped in next to him. The close of the door was a trigger to my heart. The tears fell and I didn't wipe them. After five long years of struggle, I was finally bringing home a baby. Unreal.

I've officially been a mother for 48 hours. The best part, hands down, of being a mom...is watching Ben be a dad.