At the Edge

[This post is extremely vulnerable. Please proceed with caution].

I went back to work today for some sanity. I, thankfully, work in an amazing community that encourages my role as mom. They are allowing me to work two days a week, so that I can focus most of my time at home.

I cried my entire way into work.

Not because I was sad about leaving, but because I've reached the edge.

I called our caseworker, first thing, and asked for the name of a child therapist.

We've hit a brick wall with some of LJ's behaviors and they seem to be emotionally tied to his development. Mentally, LJ is on track and a very quick study, but the emotional issues are causing him to retract and they overshadow so much of our day.

I've done everything I know to do as a parent and it's not enough. Everyone keeps saying that we have to follow our instincts....and my instincts say, we have some emotional needs that I am unqualified to handle (i.e I need some insight).

Our caseworker gave us some very sound advice and from everything I told her recommended that we allow LJ to regress. I cried at the mention of it.

As soon as she said it, I knew she was right, but the thought of moving backward to move forward seems like so much work.

She recommended that I rock and hold and love on LJ as if he were a newborn. She thinks the troubles I mentioned are deep-rooted attachment issues that can only be loved away with time and trust. In my head, I formulated a new plan for "Mommy and LJ time" that I hope will help with my bonding, too.

When we got off the phone, I sat at my desk and cried.

I'm just so tired.

I decided that getting out for lunch would be a good distraction and tried to will myself to want to shop. It didn't work, but God had an appointment for me.

I turned down the kitchen aisle and ran into a dear friend.

With care in her eyes, she asked how I was doing and I broke like a balloon.

I cried for so many reasons.

I cried for the loss I feel over the "normal", steady, quiet life we led, pre-LJ.

I cried because I hate who I am, right now, as a mother. I'm angry and resentful and frustrated. I'm trying so desperately not to let those emotions direct themselves toward LJ, but I'm not always successful.

I cried because I don't like this kid...and I don't want him in my house.

I know that's ugly.

I know that falls under the heart cries we, normally, keep to ourselves. But I can't. I'm open and real and brutally honest when people take the time to ask how we're doing.

I didn't realize how much I needed someone to listen. My sweet friend let me rant and cry - right in the middle of the department store.

I told her everything.

She didn't rebuke or judge or offer empty encouragement. She listened, intently, and then allowed the Holy Spirit to use her to speak direct lines to my heart. She encouraged me in my marriage and motherhood, reminding me of God's goodness and purpose. She challenged me to draw from the well and to steal away as many minutes as I can to be with the Lord, asking/begging Him to give me specific words throughout my day for my family. She reminded me to ask God for pictures of LJ's past; pictures that will give me insight into the areas he's struggling. She spoke promise over our family and said, "This boy will bring you great joy, Rebekah. One day you will thank God for him."

The physical and emotional squeeze she left me with, was God's gift to me, today.

I was so low. So tired. So frustrated.

Our case worker asked us this morning if we were still feeling confident in "our decision."

She didn't have to elaborate.

Everyday we question what we're doing and how on earth we thought we were prepared for this, but never have we questioned God's decision to bring LJ to our family. It's the only assurance that keeps us going. God chose adoption and God chose LJ. We merely said, "yes."

I was reminded, today, of the new name God is giving LJ. The label he is painting in blood over his life.

[Jeremiah 29:11 The Message]

I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home.

I know what I'm doing.

I have it all planned out -

Plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

 Mama took these words to heart, too. And replaced LJ's, Jeremiah, with "Rebekah."

Rebekah, I'll show up and take care of you.

I know what I'm doing.

My sweet child, I have it all planned out...

I have plans to take care of you, not abandon you, and plans to give you the future you hope for.

God sent two other people to me, today, to show me just how much he cares. What a mighty, mighty God I serve. He loves me despite my frustrations and weaknesses and reaches his hand from heaven in the times I need it most, saying, "You are my beloved."

I am so thankful for his love.

I am absolutely dependent on Him to teach me how to like and want to mother my son.

Please pray for us. God is stretching our hearts...and it's painful.