God has such a sense of humor.
I was going to wait to share this, but I have so many stirrings in my heart and mind, that I decided to go for it.
The three of us walked out of the counselor's office hand-in-hand. We met after work, so before we caught up to the line of cars, LJ yelled, "I'm riding with dad!"
We smiled and buckled him in. No surprise there. Ben is LJ's favorite person.
That meant I was on pick-up-Ty duty. It took about two minutes to debrief our session in the fog. Literal fog. It's been crazy weather, here, skipping from negative thirty to forty. We laughed, agreed that we are doing just fine in the parenting realm, and apart from a couple of tips, found therapy unnecessary at this time.
I'm glad we went.
I buckled in and thanked God for the peace of mind and heart that washed over me.
Two minutes into the drive my phone rang.
It was the supervisor at our foster care agency.
"Rebekah, we had a case sent over from LAS (Lutheran Adoption Services - our foster agency is Lutheran Social Services). We think your family would be a great fit."
"Do you have time to talk, right now."
"We have a sibling set of two that we'd like to keep together."
"A four year old..."
I laughed out loud and in my heart sent a "Really?" God's way. Does he remember that we already have two four year olds?
"...and a two year old."
She went on to read me a summarized list of information and then asked, "Do you think you guys would be interested in reading through their file?"
"Okay, we'll email it on Monday and will look forward to talking about it early next week."
I let my mind swirl for a few minutes before calling Ben.
I love my husband. I really really do.
He never freaks out or asks questions. He just takes the information in stride. This time he answered with, "Okay...I was hoping to get through the summer, but this is what we want...what we've been waiting for. God didn't give us this house and property to sit empty."
I picked up Ty and hesitated only for a minute before telling him about the phone call. I didn't tell him that he will be getting new siblings or make promises, but our kids are a part of this family and process. Every night at dinner they pray for God to bring them a sister (or five brothers). They watch Disney movies (Despicable Me) and tell me that we should adopt all the kids that don't have families. And they are, acutely, aware that there are lots of kids out there praying for a family.
And we're a family.
I spent last night dreaming and scheming and praying for these sweet babies.
When I woke up, this morning, I felt like I was in a choke hold. My heart was gripped with anxiety. Four children. FOUR CHILDREN! FOUR CHILDREN FOUR AND UNDER! Are we crazy?
I, suddenly, had more questions than I did answers.
I flipped through my catalog of challenges we experienced when we first brought LJ home. When the supervisor was reading through the four year old little girl's history I made mental checks - LJ, LJ, LJ. Can I really parent two four year olds with similar challenges? On top of parenting an additional four and two year old?
Today, was a game of tug and war.
Lord, you hem me in. You go before and behind.
This is crazy; I can't parent four young children.
You've given me everything I need for life.
But, what will I do about my job? Daycare? A vehicle?
You direct my paths.
I won't be able to grocery shop or run to Target; no one will want to watch our brood of children so that we can get away; get away...how will we ever afford vacations; will such a change be good for LJ; will such a change be good for me?
This all sounded better in theory.
I think I've felt every shade of emotion. I found myself soaking in every second of the boys, tonight. Will I have enough time to give four children? Will Ty and LJ feel as loved and safe as they do, right now? What will our families say?
Ah. So, crazy.
Thank God for Ben. He has concerns, too, but he is so level headed.
At dinner, we talked about whether or not the boys would want to share their room of if they would like future kids to have their own room (they want to share - unless the "baby" is going to keep them up at night. Ty was concerned about that). They both seemed non-threatened by the thought of more kids coming to live with us. Ty did remind us that "some kids have a hard time when babies come into the family because they stop getting all the attention," but he doesn't see that happening with him. When we asked where he learned that he said, "TV."
That made us all laugh.
Please pray for us!
Our prayer is that the Holy Spirit will give us clear guidance as we read through the file on Monday. That we will be in complete agreement on whether or not we are the right family for these precious kids. And if we are....
Lord, have mercy.