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This is the fourth delivery I've had the honor of being a part of...and it never gets old. It is the most amazing process; it leaves me speechless every time. I always cry through the whole thing...there's just something about seeing the people you love most in so much pain. It just rips out my heart and I wish I could make it better.
It definitely felt like a trial run of what our day will be like in a couple of weeks. I didn't get to hold baby Parker much, today, there's always a large fan club, and you don't dare stand in the way of grandmas, but it did stir my heart. Very soon, I will no longer be holding someone else's baby... what will that be like? ...it's always someone else's day, someone else's baby.I'd be lying if part of me didn't wonder what it would be like to be able to produce such miracles. I know part of Ben's heart was shadowed by sadness, today, at the thought that this will never be us. I try to squash the feelings. A) We have no idea what the future holds and B) There's nothing we can do about any of it.
This whole thing is just so much work. The process, the waiting, the emotions. We're so tired. Someone asked me the other day if we'd adopt again...and I just don't have the mental capacity to even entertain the idea. I want a big family, with lots of babies, but I don't know that I could ever do this again. It has all been so complicated, for us. So exhausting...
For now, we're concentrated one sweet baby boy, who should join our family any day...
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Go check out Meeghan's blog. She's also doing the Sling and Swaddle Contest - 30 Moms for 30 days. You can follow her on Twitter to see how she's using/liking the products!
While I'm giving shout-outs I also wanted to officially welcome two other friends to blog world. Ben's Mom, Nancy, has started a blog. She's an amazing woman of God and posts words of encouragement almost everyday! I'm sure there will be lots of Baby Boy stories to come as she'll be watching him after my maternity leave...
...And Plaid with Polka Dots. Like so many of us, they are playing the adoption waiting game and could use a boost of blog world encouragement!
it will be so wonderful when it is UR baby :)
ReplyDeleteI can't wait!
hmm such a bittersweet moment....to be able to share such a moment with a best friend but to also have the feelings you were having....funny I just did the exact same thing with my best girlfriend...I love that little boy that has joined this world but yes like you I had some sad times and I guess will continue from time to time...
ReplyDeleteyou are right....we don't know what is going to happen and it all will be worth it every single moment.....
your day is coming so soon....I can't wait to see the picture of you and Ben holding your baby boy!
m :)
You really hit home with me on this post....
ReplyDelete.......the "this will never be us." I love my dear Samuel but I still have feelings sometimes of "why not me too." People say I'll get pregnant now that I've adopted, but I don't hold the hope they do. I can't and still get through my day. I've put that part of my life behind me and concentrate on being Samuel's mom.
I also understand the part about not wanting to go through the whole adoption process again. The emotions were so overwhelming. Everything involved was so overwhelming.
I'm with you girl. Thanks for speaking what was on my heart.
What a cutie!! And, your friend does look great! Wow!
ReplyDeleteI so know what you mean! It is all so exhausting! It pains me that you and Ben and any other couple has to go through it! But, when your day comes and you are holding YOUR baby, it will melt away...promise! And, we thought we could never do it again.....that's why there is 5 years between my kids!!
God has your whole plan in the palm of His hand, no need for you to worry about carrying it!!
Blessings friend!!
I can't wait for your baby's Birth Day! It's so great seeing your friends' babies born but there's nothing like getting to see your baby come into the world... and take them home with you!!!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations to your friends, and to you for having another little person to love, he's a cutie!
ReplyDeleteWhen it's YOUR baby, it will be amazing, and wonderful, and surreal...and a little scary too. I predict the slight sadness about the loss of the actual birthing process will be gone once you hold him in your arms, but we are all a little different where that is concerned...only time will tell.
I totally get what you're saying about how tired you are...the process is immensely daunting and overwhelming, and that's a huge understatement! I also always wanted a big family, I really do understand. While my answer to the question, "Will you adopt again?" is usually yes, because I do think we will adopt again...it is still a tough question to answer for certain since we know all too well that nothing is guaranteed. Isn't it funny how we change, and how life changes us?
Can't wait to see pictures of your baby boy, it will be VERY SOON now!!
Hugs,
Melba
I can't wait to see pictures of you holding your son. However, I totally get what you are saying about "it never being us." Even after we brought home our precious daughter, whom we love more than life itself, it still stung to hear of pregnancy announcements, or to visit a friend in the hospital that just gave birth. I learned to accept it, but there was always that pain that could not be completely hidden. Even when I discovered I was pregnant with our daughter, Olivia, I had so many confusing emotions. This was, after all, what we prayed for so many years. We quickly became the poster family for "adopt and you will get pregnant" which I cannot tell you how much I HATE!!!! Very few actually get it and truly see how God moved in our lives to bring us Mia when He did. I would do infertility a million times over to have her in our lives. Now that I am just weeks away from delivering our third daughter, I find myself less inclined to talk about our adoption experience because I hate the comments that come. "Oh, I know so many that have adopted and gone on to have a slew of kids." I resist the urge to scream at them just how painful that comment can be to many of my friends that will never experience pregnancy and birth and that if they had half a brain, they would shut their mouth. Like I said, I resist the urge to say it, but I still think it!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, sorry for my essay here. Even though we have never met, you and Ben have been in my thoughts and prayers for so long and as you close in on bringing your son home, I want you to know that many have been there. When we adopted our daughter, we knew NO ONE that had adopted, much less, entered into an open adoption. We felt SOOOO alone.
Counting down with you!!!
Yay! Congrats to your friends.
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you, the way you are feeling is sooooo NORMAL! J and I were thoroughly exhausted by the end of our adoption of S. And we are still a little emotionally drained. We always talked about starting the process again in about 6 months. J now wants to wait a year or more. I don't want to wait that long but I do realize that I need a break just to decompress everything that has happened through this.
Words cannot express what it meant for me to have you there with me yesterday. Your love and support is incredible. Love you more than I can express with words. CANT wait for your day to come in the next few weeks. What an incredible day that will be.
ReplyDeletewanted to write you a long email...but remembered that you don't need to publish every comment...
ReplyDeleteA few things i was thinking on this post..
1. my husband was never really into adoption...and then it happened...and he tells me regularly that he cannot believe that he can love our little boy this much! He never ever thought he could...but the immense love he have for him, is so big, he would do anything to protect Kellen...
2. the feeling of wanting him/her to come from you don't really go away...it always lingers...but the amount of joy! and tiredness! and happiness! and expectation! and dreams and hopes and wishes and prayers coming true replaces that need and makes everything ok, more than ok...
3. one day at a time...just one day at a time...i'm so excited to read how you experience your day and heart when Baby Boy is in your arms...and more so in your home...and when you see Ben with Baby Boy...Rebekah..you are going to fall all over in love with him...
4. i cannot understand how people can ask you/us if you wil adopt again...goodness...just give you a break...just support you with 'giving birth' to your first son! heehee...just imagine....you are going to be a mama!!!! amazing!!!!
just one day at a time...and today, heehee...you know...before we even knew we were going to 'give birth' through adoption, we came at a stage where we did not want to to church, because every single time people will ask us when are we starting with children. I did not know what or how to react any more...and then a friend told me to tell whoever ask me 'do i ask you about your sex life?'
it works! like magic! they giggle and laugh and don't know what to say...
just remembered how many people asked us as well if we will adopt again...who knows hey? who knows? God does! but it does not help to think into the future, because today, you were showered and reminded of becoming a mommy...and you are packed and ready...
shower Ben with love...tell him how much you love him..and how much you adore him...
just focus on today...one of these beautiful, gorgeous, difficult days you won't have time to sit on his lap any more, cause he is going to be a daddy!
Thinking of you Mama to be! Trusting the process xx
Thanks for the shout out! I've loved following your story! Any day now... you must be so excited!
ReplyDeleteYou look like such a proud Auntie! Love you muches...
ReplyDeleteYou commented that you just don't know if you could go through another adoption etc.. and although it is a roller coaster of emotions. I think it is like giving birth in its own way, and just like they say you forget the pain etc.. with child birth I think with adoption it is the same way. The minute you hold your child and he/ she is yours from that second on, you would do it all over again and no matter the hurdles, obstacles etc... I have two beautiful children from adoption and would do it again in a heartbeat, no questions asked if we only had the money! I am looking forward to the arrival of your son- you ALL are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm counting down with you, and I'm checking your site every day! I love that picture of you and Ben with Parker...I know when you post pictures of you and Ben with your little boy, I'll be bawling my head off, like I often do when I read your blog! :)
ReplyDeleteBest wishes!!
~Heather
What a beautiful baby! It is truly a blessing that you have so many people close to you that want to include you in the lives of their children from the get go. I have such a deeper relationship with the children that I have watched arrive into this world...
ReplyDeleteI get that bit of saddness too, but only at the hospital. That is really the only part I will have to miss out on.
I think that asking someone during their wait (whatever step in the wait) if they are going to adopt again is much like asking a woman in labor if she is going to get pregnant again. Now is not a good time to guage that response. The pain and struggle is too raw and real.
For me, when we brought R home that pain started to melt away. Now, while the pain and struggle is very real and vivid, it isn't so bad when I look at where it brought me. Will we adopt again? Absolutely! Do I think it will be easier? I wish I thought that, but NO!
Your post left me in tears. I know the exact feelings of your heart. For me, even after adopting my 2 beautiful babies, I can still feel the remnents of that hurt from time to time. You are so very brave! In your post you mentioned that you guys were sad b/c that will never be you but guess what...It will be YOU so very soon!! And once you hold YOUR sweet baby boy in your arms, you will know that this was all in his plan and you wouldn't trade that day or your baby for all 10 biological babies. I am so excited for you!! Get some sleep! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a blessing to be able to be there for four births!! I came close once a number of years ago, but the birth father showed up and he got to witness the birth and then had the nerve to say the baby wasn't "black enough" (the baby was biracial) to be his!! Any way I've always dreamed of being with a friend who was giving birth. I'm sure I'd cry too.
ReplyDeleteBaby Boy will be here soon! I'm praying for you guys!!
A great post...such heartfelt feelings...I loved reading your blog today. It has been so much fun making new friends through the blog world. This is my fourth month to have a blog. I am amazed at all the unique and fun sites. I
ReplyDelete