Monday, November 1, 2010
Ty, of course, has always felt like a part of our family, but as he begins to really communicate and tease and engage, our family dynamic has really changed. Tonight we spent a solid hour wrestling on the floor, just the three of us. His peals of laughter are proof enough that God exists. There's just nothing like it.
Being a mom has taught me so much about who God is and how he loves. Ty has a wicked anger streak that takes him from 0 - 10 in a second in a half, yet he's also one of the most tenderhearted little boys I've ever seen. Parenting him has been such a privilege and I love the person God is shaping me to be. So many characteristics are sharpening into facets that never existed pre-motherhood.
People often tell me how strong my faith is....but, I have to answer with - "Yeah, now." There were a lot of dark, bitter, and raging days pre-Ty. I questioned anything and everything that God ever told me, showed me, or put in my heart. In the days leading up to Rebekah's first contact, I had run over faith like a dirty sweatshirt and was barely functioning as a shell. [If you're in that spot, today...please know that it's temporary].
God is faithful.
I really can't view him any other way, this side of adoption. Some days I get anxious about the fogginess of our future (releasing control is a major weakness), but then my ever-present sign of goodness shares his cookie with me and I see clearly, again.
I know that we're not "in the clear" for hardships. I know that heart bleeders will hit again, but right now, in these days of peace, I'm soaking in all that God has done for us. I'm filling up. We won't always be a family of three; Ty won't always have our undivided attention and I'm very conscious of the fact. If I knew 5 years ago what I know, today, I wouldn't have spent a minute more crying over emptiness. I would have squeezed fullness from life and hung my hat on a solid peg of hope. That's the attitude I'm trying to live out, today.
Not only does God have my heart and plans in control, he gives me clearance to enjoy and live the right-now moments. We may have two or six or ten children. It might take us a month or eight or a hundred 'n five to get there. But, tonight, I was reassured with little back pats and bubble-gum brushed, sloppy kisses that God holds our days in his hands.
at 10:07 PM