Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Day 409

Sweet Child of Mine

Rebekah & Baby News...
Little baby boy is healthy and growing. So much so, that the poor little guy is smushed up against the placenta wall. Nurse had a hard time getting a good shot, but I think he's adorable...He's being estimated to weigh 6 lbs, 14 oz! Rebekah is terribly swollen and ready for this baby to come out! It looks like she'll make the induction date, but I'm okay if he decides to come early, Rebekah seems very uncomfortable.

Birth father news...
We have exchanged 2 emails with the birth father. He loves Nascar and asked if he could buy a little racing outfit for baby boy. I couldn't say "yes" fast enough. The agency, however, has not received his paperwork...Which leaves us feeling slightly unsettled.

Rebekah & Ben News...
I don't know if it's the unknown, length of time left, or recent conversations/observations, but the nerves have definitely set in. So much so, that I convinced myself (and those around me!) that being at the hospital for the birth may not be what's best...

This whole process has been so out-of-the-box, I don't know what we're afraid of now...but we've found ourselves asking the same questions...Lord, why does this have to be so hard? Why can't we just be like everyone else?

I don't really want to admit my fears to you...I think it makes them more true...but who would I be, if I swept them under the rug? I've been overly transparent, thus far, how could I go back now?

I'm fearful of the emotions that are about to come...I'm more fearful of sharing them with a room full of strangers. What am I going to feel? Will I be pleasant or protective?...Will my heart cry for days? What if I want to run to a secret place with baby...but can't? Will I love watching his family cradle him or will I envy their time? Will I feel lonely? Will I belong? What if Ben leaves my side? Will I crumble? What if I'm so concerned for Rebekah, yet so in love with my baby, that my heart rips in two?

He's not my son...but he is. Even after all these years of trying....waiting...anticipating, I still can't wrap my head around it.

I know things will be fine. We're survivers. We do what needs to be done...and try to think of others first, along the way. Sometimes...we just have to keep running and squash the fears as we go. When I talk to Rebekah, I don't have a care in the world. We truly are that good of friends. It doesn't matter whether it's 5 minutes or 5 hours. It's just right.

We hung up, tonight, and I thought, "What am I so freaked out about? I love this woman...and I know that she loves me. It will be nothing but sweet..."

But, here I am, four hours later...mind a'reeling.

I hope that I'm being a dummy...that my head sees the easy-streets that friends are walking around me and naturally questions...

The deep down "me" knows that this is absolutely God's best for us...that he continues to roll out his plan before our steps...and that nothing will compare to the rush of holding our miracle in my arms for the first time.

We were recently at a wedding and one of the lines in the toast has been running through my head all day. The older married sister said to her younger, just-married sister, "I soon saw that my life-long relationship with you was really preparing me to be a wife. You didn't know it either...but you've been preparing for this day your whole life..."

I feel like that right now. Every high...every hurdle...every scream...every disappointment...every lonely night spent in tears...every magical night with Ben...every ounce of rage lashed against my heavenly Father...and every time he lovingly drew me closer...every time I sat in worship, unmoved by His voice - every time that I was...every time I laid hands on the sick and handed out blankets to the homeless...every time I cried with a friend and held the hand of a sister. Every path, every moment, has landed me here.

Unknowingly, my Father has been preparing me for this day, my entire life.


  1. Oh my. I feel you on all of that!

    As we were getting ready for this little girl to come stay with us I lost it.

    My stomach was upset for 2 days just because of nerves...

    I was worried when I saw her it would be nothing like I thought it would be...

    I was worried I would not be able to deal with the reality of the situation-that she was not mine...

    I was worried I would cry and freak every one out!

    And you know what, I cried it out that morning before I met her and then I was fine. Every other detail I mention was put into place by God and completely and wonderfully taken care of.

    It has been amazing-God made it perfect. He will for you too. Don't be scared! God did NOT give us the spirit of FEAR!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Your transparency is so admirable. I was way too scared to admit all those feelings to people in our lives- even our closest friends. One small bit of advice from someone who's been there- remember that those precious moments that Rebekah (emom) and her family have with baby boy are their only moments they'll have like that. I had to step back when we visited Decs and his birthparents in the hospital and repeat to myself over and over that this is THEIR time. I know that's hard to hear. You have his whole life with him. I'm praying for you as your son's birth nears. I'm SO EXCITED for you guys!!!

  3. I agree with Leah, but it is so much the unknown. I have so many questions swirling around my head as well....will everyone be ok that day? Will anyone feel left out? Why do I feel the need to control the situation? Its weird. The bottom line is, we are in this together, and come what may, I am so glad its you and Ben Im going to experience it with. :)


  4. Bless your heart! This journey is so hard and compares to nothing else in this lifetime. Everything you are feeling is completely normal and to be expected. Just keep trusting in your heavenly Father and lean on His strength. He has brought you this far and will not abandon you.

    Once our Mia was born, my heart was permanently ripped in two. I was SO overjoyed to finally be a Mother. But I could not block out, nor did I really want to, the pain that her birth family was going through by placing her in my arms. While adoption is a beautiful thing, we must never forget that is created out of pain and loss. Your loss of not being able to carry and deliver a child, and the birth family's loss of not being able to raise that child. Does that make sense? Our social worker expressed it so much better, but hopefully you get the idea.

    I'll be praying!

  5. I'll be praying for you! I hope that Paperwork gets there soon!

    I don't think that man of yours will leave your side for a second.
    All my love,

  6. Rebekah-
    You have such a kind heart! I have a very difficult time believing that you will do anything but revel in the moment at the hospital. You and Rebekah have a relationship that is unmatched by any that I have seen. Both of you have a faith that is overwhelmingly inspiring. Being at the hospital will probably be some of the most difficult days of your life, but you will get through it swimmingly.

    One of the hardest things for me at the hospital was showing my joy. I was so concerned about R's birthparents that I forgot to be happy. So, I think any emotion you show will be appropriate and expected from the room full of people. I am glad, however, that I was able to let them have thier time to spend with R and to say goodbye, because that was really the only time they would have with her as her parents.

    Ultimately, you have to do what you think is best (obviously), but I have nothing but faith that you will be able to handle this in such a way that you will be able to look back and tell baby boy about it with pride!

  7. Oh Rebekah! *HUGS* Thank you for sharing these feelings.

    Your life is about to change drastically and your emotions just can't keep up or comprehend it all. As hard as it is, take each day as it comes.

    Just as an expectant mom (in the sense that she's physically carrying the baby) has many fears and anxieties similar to yours before the birth of her baby. It's all normal and it all belongs to God.

  8. I've been following your story. I feel deep in my heart that this is Your Son. But at the same time I'm glad that you are feeling such emotions. If you had not wrote this today, I would have thought you not real....but you are. I pray for you and your family. And I can not wait to see you holding your son.

    And for Rebekka, I thank you. I thank you for opening your heart to adoption. For without you and others mothers like you, I myself would not be a mother. I love you and your honesty and selflessness.

  9. Whatever is going to happen, is going to happen, and what you're going to feel will be whatever you're going to feel. Worrying about it is like praying for what you don't want, what a waste of time and energy! As it has been all along, it will happen according to God's plan. You will deal with whatever happens the way you handle everything, with tolerance, patience, and love. Good luck, and hopefully the "dad" gets his act together and realizes that the best thing for baby boy is to be in healthy loving family that can care for him properly, love him and give him the best life, as that is what it is really all about. How lucky he is to have so many people that love him already.

  10. Rebekah you have such a gift for putting your thoughts and feelings into words. You have articulated it all so well that I feel like I am walking this path right by your side.

    Please know that I may be sitting on the other end of the world, but you are in my thoughts and prayers. {hugs}

  11. I don't think I have posted on you blog before, but all of your emotions are so familiar to me, because I felt them all. Our God is amazing and he has given us everything we need to get through every situation, the ones we imagine and the ones that are beyond our wildest imaginations. I have been reading your blog for some time and can truly feel your faith in an ever-loving Father that knows this baby was born for you to mother. I just want to encourage you and say that no matter what happens in the next couple of weeks, He will be there holding you through it all, I can't wait for that first picture of you holding that precious baby boy, it will all be worth it! God bless you and may His perfect peace be with you as you keep your focus on HIM! Love, Maya~

  12. Sending you hugs and prayers for peace. I think you're making this journey with tremendous grace, and I am grateful for you for all you have shared with us.

  13. Hey Sweet Girl,

    I'm breathing a deeeepppp breath out for you! I woke up this morning with you and Ben in my mind...thinking how time is coming closer for your little baby to come home...

    yes, this is big! It is huge!!! I remember thinking about our things...that i did not have a clue of how to be or what to say or what to expect...i was scared and uncertain and afraid and wondering what if's....just like you...so that part is normal.. and i'm soooo happy that you voiced them, becuase sometimes just voicing them, brings them out, and now you can wave them goodbye..heehheee...imagine it...waving them goodbye..

    Sweetie, God has prepared you already for every little and big thing that is going to happen on that day. Just breath out...and let it be. You are going to be ok. Ben is going to be ok. Within that moments of being in the unknown, you will still be ok, because God is watching over you...

    i'm praying for you and Ben..asking God to send all the angels...to surround you with their wings of love, to comfort the 'strangers' in the room, to make you feel every single moment when you are in that room...the angels will be there...singing and dancing with joy for this little miracle coming into the world!

    I remember praying so hard before we were to meet our birthparents...i remember being soo sooo uncertain...but on that day....taking one step at a time...on that day..and all the others...i felt grounded within God's love, i felt calm and centered - these feelings don't come along often as i'm always all over the place and loving that...but having that feeling of groundedness, knowing this situation is much bigger than i can even anticipate, made me stood in awe! God is really that big Sweetie! Very very big!!! heehee..

    you are going to fine and all the emotions you are feeling now, is normal...so very very normal...

    just be in this moment, love yourself, love Ben and talk to God....all you have to do then is let go...and fly!

    You are going to be a mama!

    Sending you a BIGGGGG smmooooooocccchhhhh and ((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))) from across the oceans...xx

  14. wow.....that is the most moving post I have ever read.....thankyou for sharing you feelings....this is hard and the unknown is so well uncomfortable...but this is your journey and thank goodness you have God by your side....everything will be fine and right and perfect!


  15. Your writing always moves me to tears. I think your fear is just Satan. What I do when I start to feel fear is start singing songs that praise God. It's amazing how much better I feel and how fast it runs off the enemy as they don't want to hear that. Fear and anxiety aren't from the Lord, just remember that. Getting excited along with you. Got my phone all set to see RSS feeds so that I don't miss a thing because I leave for Disney on the 18th. -K

  16. If you are invited to be at the hospital or in the delivery room...DO IT! I had reservations too, but I AM EVER SO HAPPY I WAS RIGHT THERE THE SECOND SAMUEL WAS BORN! It was amazing!

  17. The Lord has equipped you for such a time as this...He has prepared you and Ben to be parents of this precious boy, and although it has not been an easy road, it is extrodinary, just like your life and the way you live it. Can't wait to celebrate with you. Love you dear friend, your day is coming VERY SOON!!!

  18. Thinking of you. It's so natural to have fears. I'd seriously wonder about you if you didn't have fears. I can't wait for you to have your son home.

  19. Praying for God's still small voice to permeate through every ounce of your being and bring you peace & comfort that surpasses all understanding.

  20. Somehow I found your blog, probably through links from other adoption blogs. Anyway, I just want you to know you are being prayed over. I appreciate how honest you are in your posts and that you willingly share your journey with so many.

    Lord, please hold this family close. Hold everyone who is involved in this adoption and everyone who has been touched by their story close. Let them feel loved and comforted right now, Lord. We know that you will work out all the details for your glory and we praise you. I pray you will lead the way for them into parenthood and give them all the confidence they need. Thank you for all the beautiful work you've done in the lives of these, your precious children. Amen.

  21. Oh Honey...HUGS! I can totally understand why your nerves and worries are getting the best of you right now, you are only human, and this is BIG.

    What you will experience in the hospital will be unprecedented, and I don't think there IS any way to prepare for it, or to know how it will all play out in the end. It is normal for you to feel stressed in the face of something so all encompassing, but still so completely out of your hands.

    I agree with BB that your faith is inspiring! You continually amaze me with your words of wisdom, and I also appreciate your transparency throughout this journey. I, for one, don't think you have been too open. :)

    One thing I know for sure is that you will immediately want (and work for) what is best for that baby boy, no matter what that is. I honestly expected to feel all protective and overly needy of my baby, but I truly haven't experienced that. I've realized that one thing he needs is A LOT of people to love him, and I want to give him that. I imagine you will find your place and comfort zone with baby boy pretty quickly once he's here.

    I also know that you will find a peaceful balance between Rebekah and baby. I don't think you will be torn at all, because you will simply follow your heart...and that is always right in situations such as these.

    I am praying for all of you every single day. I know everything will be fine!!!



  22. The same One that created everyone involved in this situation, gave you all of these emotions. Trust Him to show you how to deal with them. Praying for you all as the day draws near.

  23. Your fears are completely normal. They are the fears of a mother to be. Dont worry as soon as he is born you will know what to do.

  24. I didn't know what I would do either, it was all such a whirlwind! I felt awkward before she came in the world, just hanging out in the birthing room...watching re-runs!

    But once she arrived she connected us all in a way that is indescribable. We all loved her but none possessively because she didn't belong to any of us. She belonged to God.

    Her birthmother graciously said "her mom should be the first to hold her" and when I did, I melted. It was like look at this little person who 5 minutes ago wasn't here but now is! What a miracle. I couldn't have felt more proud and excited had I birthed her myself!

    There is no way to predict the moment, it just happens and it is magical. In just a couple short weeks you will come home with a son...and you will be his mother.

  25. I pray that God gives you a sense of peace during this time, a sense of knowing and an abundant amount of strength. Hold to God's unchanging hand no matter what.

  26. Follow your heart- God lives within your heart and has prepared you for this day. You will always do what is right for your son and all these fears will melt when you are there. You will be held up by God's love that day and all the prayers from those of us around the world who have followed "The Love Filled Story of Two Rebekas's"! Not only will Ben be with you every step of the way but also remember that God alos will be with you all. I am thinking of you often and will pray your son arrives soon.

  27. I recently came across your blog. I love remembering our own adoptions through you. We were at the hospital all night waiting for our son to be born. We had some special time with him and his birthmother, but then our social worker suggested that we go home and let them have their time, too. It was the right thing to do.

    About a month before he was born, I came across an article for an Adoption Commitment Ceremony. It brought out that our society marks special occasions such as birthdays, weddings, graduations, etc. Marking this occasion helps us process the event for both sides. Together we made plans and it was held in the hospital chapel when she and our son were both discharged. It was just she and her mom, our small family, our preacher, and four very close family friends that she had met. Not that it wasn't hard on all of us. She brought him down and held him through most of the ceremony. She did place him in my arms and I later placed him in his grandmother's (her mom) arms while she and I lit a unity candle and dedicated him to God's ways. Lots of prayers, lots of tears, lots of hugs. Still, it seemed like an occasion so worthy to be marked.

    Remember that just as we fear that the decision won't be made, she and her family need reassurance that you won't take the baby and drop the relationship that you've made with them. Our relationship has evolved. We now live in a different state. But they still are basically family that we just don't see as much.

  28. You can't possibly know what to expect. I think you're having a harder time because you have so openly embraced this and become so close with Rebekah and her family. My husband and I chose to remain as cautiously optimistic as we could, but we kept it on the downlow, and until we brought our son home, we kept saying "if." That made it a little easier in a way, but maybe not. At placement, I wanted the birthfamily to hold our son as much as possible before we left. Of course we only spent about 3 hours with them.

    I admire that you have been so open with your feelings because that's the kind of person you are. You are going to be fine as long as you just be yourself and go with it. Try not to form expectations, you can't possibly imagine how it will go until it happens, and that's ok. I hope it's the most wonderful day of your life!

  29. I have been in your shoes! I just stumbled upon your blog and I love it. I have a daughter thru open adoption and she is now 14 months. We were invited to be at her birth even though her birth mom lived 3 hrs from us. When we got the call she was in labor we thought we'd never make it or she'd change her mind to not let us in when we got there. I still had those nerves not knowing whether we'd really be taking this baby girl home or not even though I knew in our hearts she was ours. We got there in time, witnessed her birth along with the fraternal and maternal grandmothers, one of which we hadn't met yet and wasn't on board with any of this. By the time our sweet little girl entered the world all was well and the fraternal birth mom was hugging me crying and knowing we were the right parents for this baby. It was MAGICAL. All your feelings are totally normal. I cannot wait for you to experience what I have. Adoption is such a miracle and forever a blessing. I wish you and your family all the best. We still keep in contact with the birth family and it's been wonderful! God Bless!

  30. I just came to check on you and saw the 8 day countdown! It made my stomach do flips, so I can't imagine how u feel!
    Praying for both of you Rebekah's!
    mom to 3 - 2 bios, 1 adopted, all my REAL children.

  31. Rebekah, your post had me in tears! You are such an eloquent writer, and you wear your heart on your sleeve! Thank you for being so honest...all of my prayers and positive thoughts are for you and Rebekah at this time.

  32. Girl you are so "real"! Don't ever change. God will guide you thru this, it's your love for everyone involved that is causing you anxiety I'm sure....still praying in Ohio!

  33. Oh my goodness Rebekah...the baby counter is down to ONE WEEK!!! HOW EXCITING!!!!


  34. Thank you SO much for sharing your heart. Trust me, I've had the same thoughts, and I'm nowhere near as close to the stage you're at. I am so proud of you and inspired by your faith. This post made me think of one of my favorite songs - "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real. The lyrics are so powerful:
    Whatever you're doing inside of me
    It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
    It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
    but I'm giving in to something heavenly

    and also this part

    Whatever you're doing inside of me
    It feels like chaos, but I believe
    You're up to something bigger than me
    Larger than life something heavenly

    Hang in there girl...I'm praying for you!! :)

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  36. Rebekah......
    All of your "what if's".....yes, those could happen.....many of them did for me.....I was happy beyond my wildest dreams yet I was heartbroken for a family who was making a very difficult choice.....I had to stay two nights in the hospital without Matt and I cried on and off throughout both of those nights because of all the emotion going on....I left Milo's birthfamily alone with him to give them time with him and was scared......I took care of most of his needs and I felt like his mother.....
    No matter what you experience....it is all part of your story and all of those "what if's" will be what they are meant to be.....
    But....from the standpoint of having the opportunity to witness your son being born into this world ~ Rebekah....there is NOTHING like it and you will have that story to share with him. I would encourage you to find the strength to be there....for him. :)Try not to have expectation of how people will act, how you will feel....just let it unfold in God's perfect way.....
    You can do this and whatever happens ~ it will be your story....
    Much love and encouragement ~

  37. Less than a week....in less than a week you are going to experience sleepless nights, snuggles...baby poop...teehee...and a love so amazing it can only come from God!

    counting with you xx

  38. So on one of your last posts you said you were leaving today or tomorrow. Please update as soon as you can. I am getting so excited for you!!