Day 409

Sweet Child of Mine

Rebekah & Baby News...
Little baby boy is healthy and growing. So much so, that the poor little guy is smushed up against the placenta wall. Nurse had a hard time getting a good shot, but I think he's adorable...He's being estimated to weigh 6 lbs, 14 oz! Rebekah is terribly swollen and ready for this baby to come out! It looks like she'll make the induction date, but I'm okay if he decides to come early, Rebekah seems very uncomfortable.

Birth father news...
We have exchanged 2 emails with the birth father. He loves Nascar and asked if he could buy a little racing outfit for baby boy. I couldn't say "yes" fast enough. The agency, however, has not received his paperwork...Which leaves us feeling slightly unsettled.

Rebekah & Ben News...
I don't know if it's the unknown, length of time left, or recent conversations/observations, but the nerves have definitely set in. So much so, that I convinced myself (and those around me!) that being at the hospital for the birth may not be what's best...

This whole process has been so out-of-the-box, I don't know what we're afraid of now...but we've found ourselves asking the same questions...Lord, why does this have to be so hard? Why can't we just be like everyone else?

I don't really want to admit my fears to you...I think it makes them more true...but who would I be, if I swept them under the rug? I've been overly transparent, thus far, how could I go back now?

I'm fearful of the emotions that are about to come...I'm more fearful of sharing them with a room full of strangers. What am I going to feel? Will I be pleasant or protective?...Will my heart cry for days? What if I want to run to a secret place with baby...but can't? Will I love watching his family cradle him or will I envy their time? Will I feel lonely? Will I belong? What if Ben leaves my side? Will I crumble? What if I'm so concerned for Rebekah, yet so in love with my baby, that my heart rips in two?

He's not my son...but he is. Even after all these years of trying....waiting...anticipating, I still can't wrap my head around it.

I know things will be fine. We're survivers. We do what needs to be done...and try to think of others first, along the way. Sometimes...we just have to keep running and squash the fears as we go. When I talk to Rebekah, I don't have a care in the world. We truly are that good of friends. It doesn't matter whether it's 5 minutes or 5 hours. It's just right.

We hung up, tonight, and I thought, "What am I so freaked out about? I love this woman...and I know that she loves me. It will be nothing but sweet..."

But, here I am, four hours later...mind a'reeling.

I hope that I'm being a dummy...that my head sees the easy-streets that friends are walking around me and naturally questions...

The deep down "me" knows that this is absolutely God's best for us...that he continues to roll out his plan before our steps...and that nothing will compare to the rush of holding our miracle in my arms for the first time.

We were recently at a wedding and one of the lines in the toast has been running through my head all day. The older married sister said to her younger, just-married sister, "I soon saw that my life-long relationship with you was really preparing me to be a wife. You didn't know it either...but you've been preparing for this day your whole life..."

I feel like that right now. Every high...every hurdle...every scream...every disappointment...every lonely night spent in tears...every magical night with Ben...every ounce of rage lashed against my heavenly Father...and every time he lovingly drew me closer...every time I sat in worship, unmoved by His voice - every time that I was...every time I laid hands on the sick and handed out blankets to the homeless...every time I cried with a friend and held the hand of a sister. Every path, every moment, has landed me here.

Unknowingly, my Father has been preparing me for this day, my entire life.