Sunday, September 27, 2009
I lead a very disciplined life right now as my time is so limited. Finishing this first class makes me swell with pride that I can do this.
One class down only 12 more to go!
Baby Ty is the PERFECT source of inspiration. His new little laughs are enough to keep me going all day! We managed to get some on camera, the other day, as we were walking out the door.
Ty Laughs with Mommy
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The unpredictability of infertility.
I understand that no one knows what the future holds and that life can change instantly...for anyone. But. For the most part, women get pregnant, families are created, and life moves at a quick and steady pace.
Not so for the barren woman.
The barren woman doesn't get pregnant, watches other families grow, and tries to crawl through the torture tunnel of heart pain.
Last month, my cycle lasted an eternity (nearly 50 days - the joy of PCOS), and for the first time in nearly two years I wondered if I might be pregnant. The thought went as quickly as it came and I got angry...When we walked away from clinics, I closed my heart to possabiliites, refused to take another pregnancy test, and never once during the adoption process did I question a lengthy cycle. My anger, now, stems from the memory of past ache. I don't want to live in that place again....that place of rise-and-fall hope. It's easier to cut pregnancy out of your heart as an option.
Nothing in me desires to be pregnant. Truly. I don't have this overbounding dream of bellying a baby. However, the rooted wanting for a family is deep.
I have never felt more alive...more needed...more whole, than in my current role as mom. And it's enough. If we retire in life as a family of three, my cup will be full. But, that doesn't stop my mind from thinking...my heart from expanding.
People ask me all the time, "Will you adopt again?" Definitely a different discussion for a different day. Right now we're enjoying every moment in time, with Tyrus...but my heart does wonder...
I watch Ben with his brother and think, I want this for Ty. I pack away stages of clothing and hope they're storage is temporay. Entertaining these thoughts is complicated...empty wombs are complicated. Ben and I can't just go to our clothes closet, snag an outfit for the day, and decide to have another baby.....It doesn't work that way for us. There's no famly planning; no outlining for the future. The unpredictability of it drives me mad.
I'm an organizer; a planner.
God has been walking me through a very tight trust walk the last several months and nothing about it comes natural. I don't want foggy thoughts and loose inklings; I want predictable! But, then I look at Ty....my ever-present ebenezer. My reminder of truth.
God is faithful. He knows my heart; I claim to know his. Through Tyrus, he has shown me that his gifts are fantasitc, his love untouchable, and the plans for our family great.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Enjoy our boy...
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Tonight, I want to respond to a very heartfelt comment I received from birthmothertalks, this week. I think it's an important discussion to begin. Starting now...
I enjoy reading your blog and hearing your praise for God. I do have a question and I don't mean to offend you at all. When I hear adoptive parents thanking God for their child or say that God meant this child to be theirs. Can you explain more? As a birthmother and a person who is just learning about God through counseling from a pastor and his wife what I am thinking is that your saying that God wanted you to have this baby and not his birthmother. I know you don't mean it that way, but if God is in charge of you getting him as your son how can he not be responsible for Rebekah's pain and loss?
I know whenever God is involved in the gray issues, it's everyone's opinion for themself. I don't claim to have supernatural knowledge in the area...just a heart after the Father. I've had years to reconcile infertility and adoption...here's what my heart believes.
God did not make me barren. God did not make Rebekah pregnant.
We live in a fallen world, full of sin and responsibility and decisions...and just plain "life." God certainly can intervene...and does...but sometimes he doesn't. For whatever reason, I couldn't get pregnant...and maybe never will. But, God purposed in my heart the desire to be a mom. He certainly could have stepped in, at any time, and healed my body...but what if he had? What about all the babies and foster children out there that need families? What if God healed all the barren women...would there be enough families left to meet the needs of adoption? I admit...we would have never looked at adoption had I been able to conceive. I think it's a fair assumption that if all barren women were miraculously healed, there would be a mass shortage of mommies for children in need...all over the world.
As far as Rebekah goes....God did not make her pregnant. It's a consequence/blessing of sex. She had sex, got pregnant (pardon my bluntness), and found herself in a difficult situation. God was certainly present; aware. He knew Rebekah's heart...what she was going through...and never left her side. He could have miraculously stepped in and provided Rebekah with more money than she knew how to handle....but that still would have left her son without a daddy. Rebekah once told me that the greatest gift she was giving Ty was Ben. She is an excellent mother and would have loved Tyrus in all the ways I do...but she wanted more for him.
There you have it. Two Rebekahs. One was desperately trying to get pregnant and couldn't; the other was not planning on raising another baby and knew she couldn't. Insert God.
It is an absolute truth that God is beginning and end...knower and keeper of time. He knew that little Tyrus would be our son and that Rebekah's life...and my life...would be drastically shaken; our hearts united. He did not impregnate Rebekah, so that Ben and I could have a family....but he did connect our worlds and bring us together for one common good - sweet, baby Ty.
He makes all things well. He does. That doesn't mean that it doesn't cost us. Ty's life came at a huge price. It cost me years of heartache and doubt...and Rebekah....oh, sweet, Rebekah...it cost her everything. But God showed up - illuminated his love on both of our hearts - and eased the pain.
In a perfect world, everyone would be able to have babies...every birth mom would care for her own...every child would have a happy, healthy, loving family...and foster homes and orphanages would never be needed....
It's not a perfect world.
The best we can do is cry out for God's mercy. Ask him for his help. I cried out to the Father, asking to be a mother.... Rebekah cried out to the Father asking for her baby's family... He cradled us under wing and slowly, through time, brought us together. It's not perfect...we're not perfect. But God. He brought beauty from the ashes, he's given us a fresh measure of love, shown his face to our families, and we are forever changed by this process. I know Rebekah well enough to say that she would agree.
I understand why birthmoms might cringe when hearing an adoptive mother say, "God meant this child for me...." or worse, yet, "God made this child for me." I may even be guilty of it...in the newfound blessing of motherhood, our emotions might get away from us. The truth is...God made Tyrus for him. Not me...or Rebekah. We were just given the privelege to love him and guide him.
I love the forum of open adoption because it gives us opportunity to examine all sides of the story. I agree with birthmothertalks. If adoptive parents claim their adoptive children to be "meant" for them, it does sound like we are saying God never intended their birth mothers to raise them. And this is terribly inaccurate...and offensive. It makes the birth mother sound like an incubator of sorts...that her only job is keeping the chick warm, until the right hen comes along.
We can, however, say that God made the perfect match. When I look at Ty, I think of Rebekah...and nothing about our adoption has been short of supernatural. If perfection existed, I think this would be it...
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
And I mean ROCKED it. Every day is such a joy. I did go back to work, last week, and it was rough...but it's our only door into the future. Unless anyone knows of an agent that wants to sign me for a book deal....I have to push through until I finish my master's (I'll then be able to teach at college level and have a ton more flexabililty).
Things could be much worse. I could be working with no baby to come home to! I only have to make it through 4 long days and then I get three day weekends, with my little man. We had such a fun day on Friday, just the two of us. We were both so whipped from the week, we took a very long afternoon nap, snuggled close.
We just get each other.
I can't explain it, beyond a common understanding between friends. There's no question he has stolen every piece of my heart. I feel so....alive. Ben and I tell each other at least once a day, how much better life is with Ty. There is nothing like the feeling of family...and we never quite felt like one before, Tyrus. Whether we're grocery shopping or heading out to game nights with friends, everything is more fun with Ty in tow.
I've thrown out all the rules to parenting. Who makes these rules anyway? For so long, I felt pressured to do things by the book (and not just one)...that if I didn't do things exactly right, I'd have this rotten child on my hands. And then I would question everything I did. Is this what I should be doing if I want him to act this way....or should I be concerned that he's not doing that...
I finally reached mommy freedom and now go with my gut.
Ty is extraordinary...therefore the rules don't apply (smile). We waited too long, to be bound by ordinary. I hug him and love him and snuggle him as much as humanly possible. I can't help it. My heart just throbs for him when I'm away. Sometimes, I spend the whole night with him, just because I can't bear to be apart.
I don't know if this is typical...if other moms feel this way, but it's become my normal.
I met someone at a wedding, this weekend. I hope she's reading. She asked about Tyrus...and the hollowed sadness, I know all too well, sunk behind her dark eyes. I shared our story, tried to offer hope, and went home and held Ty tighter...longer. Oh, how I remember that pain...
I still tear up when I look at Tyrus. He is every bit of miracle to my heart. The last time I saw Rebekah, I promised to love her little boy with everything I had in me...that he would never lack for love. And he hasn't.
He has become a real picture of God's love toward me. I would have never imagined I could love one little person so much. A person that I did not carry in my belly. A person that I did not birth from my womb. But, I do. When I look at Ty, I do not see someone else's son. I see my son. To think that the Father looks at us, the same way, is too overwhelming for words...
I only want Tyrus to have the best. I want him to do things right...and live a life of fullness. There will come a time in his life when he won't understand why Ben and I choose the things we do for him. He may even fight it...but we'll continue to do, and give him, what is best.
That little truth hit me like a ton of bricks, this week, thinking back on our infertility. I would never say God closed my womb - he didn't. But, he KNEW there was something better in our path. We fought it...and struggled through it, but he stayed steady. Man, did he stay steady. Just as he placed the desire of mom in my heart, he knit the facets of Tyrus, together, in Rebekah's womb. He orchestrated the piece and kept tempo on the timing.
Tonight, I stare at a little piece of perfection and can't believe he's been entrusted to me. I don't think the awe will ever wear.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
It's not Ty...it's the no-naps-being-back-to-work-and-grad-student-at-night that's doing it. I went back to work on Monday (sob) and you better believe I was a slobbery mess. I cried all last weekend. I held him all weekend. I slept with him all weekend. I just couldn't get enough.
We're both struggling to adapt. But it is working.
Ty just started laughing...there is nothing cuter!!!