I didn't either.
Not only am I ready for my baby to be home, but I fear the progress we made over the weekend will be undone in the four days we wait to bring him home for good.
There's nothing we can do about that, so I'm moving on from that point.
I'm not sure I can even describe the number of swirling emotions I feel at the moment. There were so many beautiful moments, this weekend, that made my heart sing...but the outweighing challenging and emotionally exhausting ones seem to stand tallest.
I'm not sure how anyone could survive this without Christ.
I would be lying if I said I didn't have "those" thoughts. The ones I can't speak out loud. The ones that only get voiced to God and whispered to Ben (in the dark).
Are we really ready to do this? Can we do this? Are we making a mistake?
The answers are all obvious and not important. The reality of how much we need Jesus is.
It's not just LJ's behaviors. Those we were able to take in stride, overlooking some and addressing others. It's the other long list of emotional experiences that have me on my knees, tonight.
It's watching Ty's tender heart hurt at LJ's gruff behavior and unprovoked crying...it's the soft "mommy" whimpers that come from the bedroom that I cannot console...it's disapproving looks toward LJ from people who just don't understand...it's family members speaking honestly about how they feel and questioning how long it will take to love LJ in the way they love Ty...it's Ben and I questioning the same thing...it's watching Ben mourn the loss of his one-on-one time with Ty...it's me mourning the loss of the years I'll never have with LJ...
This is not and will not be easy.
All the periphery struggles will work themselves out. My only cry tonight is that God will teach me how to love and mother my new son. I could do it my way in my strength, but I don't want that. My way may not be the right way for LJ. Unlike my story or Ben's story or Ty's story, LJ's life has been written as a series of reports, that conflict at best. There is no constant. There wasn't one worker or agency or mother. His life has been patched together, while being riddled with disease, neglect, and movement.
If it weren't for Jesus I would be at a loss. I wouldn't be able to move forward. I, however, find great peace in knowing the Know-er. The Know-er of all things formed my son in his mother's womb. The Know-er of all things breathed life into his being and said, "I will not fail you (Joshua 1:5), nor will I abandon you (John 14:18). IN FACT, I will give you the future you hope for (Jeremiah 29:11)." The Know-er never left LJ's side. He was in every bedroom, in every home.
He is in our home.
The Know-er will lead me and guide me. He will teach me to mother. He is the only one who can. He is the only one that knows my son.
When both our case worker and LJ's foster mom asked us, this weekend, if we were sure we wanted to do this, I heard the Holy Spirit prompting - DO YOU TRUST ME?
We will sign our commitment on Thursday morning and bring our baby home for good.