Monday, July 20, 2009

Not to Read

I want to thank everyone for your input on the subject of whether or not to read Rebekah's letters for Ty. Ben and I discussed it at length...and the points many of you brought up.

We've decided to leave the letters sealed.

It was my initial leaning and Ben confirmed it when we talked it through. Ty will never lack for information. He will always know Rebekah...and Rebekah's kids...and Rebekah's family. There are pictures in his nursery, a birth day scrapbook (which mommy hasn't started, yet), a binder full of every email Rebekah and I ever wrote to each other, and presumably birthday cards and gifts throughout the year from his first family. All of those items are available to Tyrus.

Ben and I want him to grow in the confidence of the Lord. To know who he is, where he came from, and his purpose in life. When he's three I want him to proudly be able to tell strangers at the park "I'm adopted!"...when he gets his first A on a big test, I want him to come home and celebrate - and then call Rebekah...When he graduates high school we want his first family there. There will be no secrets, no underlying "monsters," and certainly no dramatic moments.

This is Ty's testimony; his life. We are so thankful to have the relationship with Rebekah and her family that we do. He will never lack love from either side or have to piece together his story. Even the birth father has made strides to check on Ty. I hold on to every piece of knowledge I have...printing emails, writing out phone conversations, saving cards. I know these will be treasures later.

When it comes to the letters, we really feel like they are an extra special gift for Ty. Something special for him to read when he's ready (we have no pre-determined date/age). The letters aren't going to reveal some unfound truth or secret that's been hidden...they are love letters...straight from Rebekah's heart.

Sweet Rebekah read my words and emailed me a copy of the letter she wrote, so I wouldn't have to physically open the one in my hands. It was an honest, heartfelt read. Reading through her words, confirmed that the intimacy they held were for Ty's eyes alone. I know how she feels. I know her love for him. I get to hear it in her voice, see it through her blog, and read it in her emails. All of her words for Ty are the same ones I would use in describing her love to him...

However, he will get the added bonus of actually reading them himself. For the first time. We are at peace with our decision. With so many pieces of his story already shared, I'm glad our little man has something special...just for him...that he doesn't have to share.

There was one line in Rebekah's letter that brought my heart to its knees. It will replay every time a new letter is found in the shuffle of mail:

...I love your mom and dad, they are amazing people and I thank God for bringing them into my life because even though you came from my belly, you were meant to be there son....

I wish that every adoption out there included a woman like Rebekah. She is remarkable; she is the first mother to my son. With that...the letters will remain unopened...bundled together for my babyheart, when he's ready.

31 comments:

  1. That is so beautiful! I have been so touched by your blog and Ty's precious story! He is truly blessed to be so loved by so many people! Thank you for sharing with us your story, Ty's story, and overall, God's story!

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  2. I am so amazed at the relationship that you share with Rebekah. Not many people have that in situations like yours and it really is a blessing! Reading your words brings tears to my eyes.

    You both are amazing!

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  3. Speaking as an adoptee...Ty is so incredibly blessed that the Lord placed you, Ben and his first mom (and everyone else in your families) in his life. Really.

    I always feel a bit wordless when I read your blog...and comforted, because, God so has His hand all over Ty and everyone in his life...and how he got HERE. The Lord just walked him right on in.

    I know that Ty may have questions as he grows up...but the awesome thing? He has ALL of the answers. Already, he has the answers. That's such a blessing.

    I wish I had the right words...I'm always so overwhelmed and speechless when I read your blog...lol...and it just fills my heart.

    xo

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  4. We have an adopted daughter from a closed adoption. Our daughter is grown and she did find her birth mom when she was an adult. However from our experience the way you are going is SO much better. Our daughter always wondered and so did we. There was always a mystery element and there still is because she will never be able to find her birth dad. He is gone and there is no way to find anything out. Her growing up years were shaped by not knowing and this is something Ty will never have.

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  5. I think my heart grew bigger just reading this blog. How lucky is Ty to have so many people that love him. He is truly blessed.

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  6. Thank you so much for sharing your family's story with us. It gives me hope as I start my adoption journey. I pray that I too am blessed to have such an amazing relationship with my child's birth family. Thank's again for sharing!

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  7. Wow...what a lucky baby! All of the adults in his life are acting like........ADULTS! And acting in HIS best interest. Wonderful to see. And selfless.

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  8. Again, I am brought to tears. God is so good! -K

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  9. Boy, I wish so too. What a blassing for you and Ben but most of all for TY! I send letters and pictures to Zachary's birthparents every couple months. I always include a self addressed stamped envelope in hopes that they would want to reach out to him. I want this so badly FOR HIM. So far, we haven't heard back but all people grieve differently and have resolved to be patient and pray that someday a letter may find it's way to our mailbox.

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  10. Inspirational as always! Your stories give me hope for our future adoption. Thank you!

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  11. Amen! Ty is so blessed:) Prayers!

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  12. Your little chunk of man is so handsome! I really love this post! I love your heart! This whole story is just beautiful!
    Cindie

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  13. That made me cry. Such a special relationship you all have.I am happy for you all.
    Ty is blessed.

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  14. That's so wonderful that you are saving the letters for Ty. He will appreciate having them so much.

    I also think it's wonderful that Rebekah wrote the letters - what an amazing gift for Ty.

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  15. Since you have seen the copy of the letter there is really no need for you to open them anyway. There are really no surprises.

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  16. God truly shines through all you and Ben and Rebekah have done for little Ty. What a wonderful example you are all being of Christ in the world. You are all shining examples of selfless and wonderful love.
    "But the greatest of these is love." God is smiling.

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  17. it was sweet of rebekah to type it out for you, honestly, i had thought about the fact that if there were two copies one could remain sealed.

    i also can't wait to hear about Ty having a special moment in his life, sharing it with you guys, and then running to the phone to call his first mom. what will be wonderful.

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  18. Seriously...you two should write a book together...this is the most outstanding story I have ever heard in my life, if only all adoptions could go like this.

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  19. I think you made the right decision. I don't know if I would be able to restrain my self from opening such letters. I commend you for your self control!!

    Tracy

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  20. ty is so blessed!

    could you please share rebekah's blog address? i find you both so inspiring and would love to leave her a few words as well.

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  21. You both just make my heart pause. I have to read fast because I can't breathe when I read each new installment to Ty's story.

    I talked to my Rebecca last week, and she said that when/if her and Isaac meet he could call her Aunt, cousin...friend. I started crying, and told her that Isaac will know about her and how much she loved him and how she just wanted what she thought was best for him. And when we tell him about his adoption and about her, and they meet...they together can decide what she will be called.

    She has came around more to an open adoption. She already said she wants letters and pictures. But, every time I read your blog and then talk to her...I want a relationship with her. I want her to know how her pain took mine away. I want him to know that she cared about all of us.

    Thanks for the prayer and for letting us follow this beautiful love story.

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  22. Beautiful post! I love that line from Rebekah too, she is most certainly a Godsend in so many ways!!

    Love,

    Melba

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  23. Your adoption experience is truly remarkable! Although our adoption was very positive in the beginning (for which I'm very thankful), the birthmother has pulled away over the past 2 yrs. We don't ever hear from her, and she doesn't send letters or birthday cards. She's moved several times, and I don't have her current address to send the latest letter and 2 yr old pics. Ty's adoption is an incredibly inspiring story, and definitely worthy of publishing, as someone else mentioned previously!

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  24. that is wonderful Rebekah, I love your honesty and it's truly opening my heart to having a more open relationship with our future birthmom. I think it's very special to save the letters for Ty. I hope to one day do the same!

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  25. Wonderful! I'm so glad you're at peace with what you have decided to do!!!

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  26. The 3 of you are ROCKSTARS:) God Bless!!!

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  27. Just amazing. Your posts often leave me breathless, just thinking about the love between your families. Thank you for sharing your heart with us!

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  28. I think you are making the right decision. It's the one my heart went with, too. Love, Mom

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  29. Rebekah,
    Wow, I love this post! You are such a great mommy, and I can see your love overflowing for little Ty. I can't wait to watch him grow through all of the pictures and updates you will send him, and hopefully someday I will be able to talk with him. ;-)
    Blessings to you my friend,
    Annjeri (You know who) ;-)

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  30. Rebekah, you are SUCH an amazing mom. You are an inspriation to me in so many ways. Through reading your blog I've learned so much about adoption, faith, parenting, and so much more. Thanks for sharing your story and I absolutely love reading your updates. Ty is precious.

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