Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Empty Arms No More

[Photography by Melanie Love]

I'm a reflector. Big time.

I head back to work at the end of the month and, although, there are a thousand things that could be done...all I want to do is sit and hold Ty. I spent hours with him, this morning...tracing his features...cuddling close...kissing his chubby cheeks...the palms of his hands. I couldn't be more in love with this little man.

I've talked before about his reminder to me. He is a picture of God's faithfulness and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember...

All week, I've been thinking about my arms. For years, they physically ached from the emptiness... Today, they are full. They are full in every sense of the word - It's a fullness that cannot be replicated or described.

I began telling Ty his story, today, but found I couldn't start with the call. Instead, I started with the darkest hours of my life...and wept through the retelling, all the while, staring at my happily ever after...

Day 212...November 26, 2008
It's the day before Thanksgiving and my heart is so sad, my arms so empty, it's hard to be thrilled about doing any of my favorite things....I just want a baby. Lord, is that too much to ask? Lord????
Day 239...December 23, 2008
In 4 months of waiting, our profile has been shown one time...I want to scream....and yell...and maybe throw a tantrum, but all I can do is cry.

My heart hurts. Bad.
Day 240...December 24, 2008
Are you going to answer?
You'll have to be loud....
For I cannot hear over the crying in my heart.
Please answer.
Lord, I need an answer.
I need you.

I cannot go on.
Long has been this race.
Your power has escaped me
The song in my heart gone.
And I feel no hope.
Align LeftDay 263...January 16, 2009
Lyrics: Nicol Sponberg

Here I am at the end
I'm in need of resurrection

Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
Ben and I left feeling empty. For the first time, since we whispered infertility, we felt like giving up.


Day 274...January 27, 2009
Rebekah called...and my life will never be the same.
My arms never empty.


  1. I'm so happy that you're arms are no longer empty.

    I have a dear friend going through infertility and although I can't ever begin to imagine the pain she feels desperately wanting a child, my heart aches with her. I pray that one day she will be a mother too. She would be an amazing mother, just like you.

    God bless all of you!

  2. this line:

    "Day 274...January 27, 2009
    Rebekah called...and my life will never be the same."

    literally sent a chill down my spine!

    Just wow...there is nothing else to say!


  3. Beautiful post!!

    The journey is rough, but the reward is so fulfilling it is beyong words!

    When I look back, I almost want to say it was 'easy' considering the depth of the reward (but it wasn't). 4 years in exchange for a lifetime with R? Well worth it!!

  4. Such gorgeous pictures, and such gorgeous words. :-D

  5. crying...I love this story and it will never get hold hearing it. I can;t wait for the first time he shares it with P and the girls in his own words. Love you and that little boy.

  6. Isn't that a great feeling?! Never feeling that abscence?

  7. That was beautiful and amazing, I know all of those feelings so well! The best one being the feeling of "mommy!" I love reading your blog, thank you for sharing!

  8. I love this post, it is so precious and amazing.
    The feeling of your baby in your arms... well, there is honestly nothing else quite like it, is there? God's greatest gift and reponsibility. Praise Him.

  9. Rebekah,

    As a woman still in the midst of the wait, and the emptiness, and the pain, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate that you haven't forgotten.

    Thank you for showing hope, but also thank you for remembering. I appreciate your empathy and I celebrate with you that your arms are full!


  10. Ahhhh!! Now I want to go back and read the past pages of your blog. I have read it before (of course) but it has different meaning now...does that make sense? Now that we know the ending, God is so good!


  11. I just love your story...every time it just makes me so happy that you found Rebekah and that you were all blessed with Ty.

  12. The story never starts where we would think it would. It's always before "the call" (or whatever). ;-) You guys are a beautiful family!

  13. Great post - I am the mother of two adopted girls - God blessed us with the gift of being there the minute they came into the world... No love is greater than the love a mother has her child... except our Father above...
    Congrats to your arms filled with love.


  14. What a sweet post, I'm crying AGAIN! Stop doing that!!! I'm so glad that Ty has two families that love him, and that your arms will now ache from carrying your son instead of from being empty. I can't imagine the battle of infertility, it must have been agony. I can't believe you have to go back to work already!!

  15. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us and now your time spend with your precious little boy.

    I am just starting out and I sincerely hope to have the open relationship you have. Your post makes me want to start a journal to someday share with my child.

    Thank you again!

  16. Wow that is beautiful and you have expressed every emotion that I have gone through in this adoption roller coaster. I just didn't express it in words the way you did so nice. I find it hard to express in words the feeling I feel on this roller coaster ride but you made it sound exactly the way that I feel. Thank you for sharing. I just came onto your blog in June so I didn't read all the captures from the past blogs you wrote but that was nice how it all came around full cricle I hope one day I feel that same feeling with the happily ever after. :)

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  18. simply beautiful.

    as always thank you for sharing with us. your journey has been so inspiring.

    your little boy is getting so big - and very handsome!

  19. I gave you a blog award! Check out my blog!

  20. Another awesome post! The joy you feel being Ty's mommy is so obvious in the words you write.

  21. It is amazing to think back on those days and be able to remember intellectually how you felt, but unable to feel those emotions anymore. God is so good.

  22. Rebekah - You are such an artist. The way you intertwined your heart cry with the end result is amazing. It's difficult to feel ache and awe at the same time, but you have done it. Those pictures - so lovely.

  23. I loved this post. I even got teary eyed. I'm so glad you don't have empty arms anymore. I feel for the birthmom that has empty arms now. I never knew that Aparents felt empty arms till I heard this song called "empty arms" from the CD titled "do you have a little love to share?" if you haven't heard it i suggest you listen to it. It talks about a birthmoms empty arms and an adoptive couple. It's very sweet.

  24. There is a song called "Empty Arms" that I sang back in the early 90's that has to do with childlessness a/o death of a child. Can anyone help me locate the lyrics a/o recording of it, please? Thanks so much.