Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Day 240

Surely, you have forgotten me, Lord.
Do you remember the passion of my youth?
The infinite praise on my lips?
I shouted your name on earth
and daily danced in your glory.

I have done all that you've asked me to do,
I've lived a life of surrender...
Not because you mandated, but out of love.
You have given me breath to live
and wings to fly.
Your faithfulness has been sung through generations,
and your hope has carried me through.

You are not a lowly god.
You are King of the universe,
Master of the sea -
My friend, my lover, my guide.
You know my heart
and whisper me peace.
My head can't help but bow
in your majestic presence.

Have you forgotten me, Lord?
How much more must I endure?
Do you truly have a plan?
I know your power and speak of your strength.
Why then, O Lord, have you withheld a miracle from me?

Are you going to answer?
You'll have to be loud....
for I cannot hear over the crying in my heart.
Please answer.
Lord, I need an answer.
I need you.

I cannot go on.
Long has been this race.
Your power has escaped me
The song in my heart gone.
And I feel no hope.


I am certainly not a poet. But rolled in restless sleep last night, wrestling with these words, shouting them in my head, crying them from my eyes. I went to my Bible this morning and found a friend in David. I couldn't help but look at Psalms as David's blog to God. I relate to his realness. The sameness in days - both good and bad. He too wondered about God's plan and questioned his nearness. His paralleled words are my only comfort this morning...

The words of a real poet:
[Psalm 13]

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, 'I have overcome him,'
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me."


  1. Thank you for sharing this has been really hard for me to stay positive and happy for this holiday season...and I really enjoyed this post. I read your last post also and would just like to say that I will continue to pray for you and your husband. We are scheduled to attend our first A.D.O.P.T. meeting in January before starting the home study process...all this waiting is making me crazy too! I hope we can all find happiness to focus on this holiday season..I know how hard it can be...but I am determined to keep a smile on this face!! :) Thinking of you...

  2. Oh sweetie, HUGS!!!!! Praying that you can embrace this season with great expectation of what the Lord is doing RIGHT NOW on your behalf!

  3. You and your husband are in my prayers. May God give you strength and peace as you wait for your child. You are in my prayers every night. Many blessings for 2009-Merry Christmas!

  4. Rebekah, sweetie, you are such a powerful writter!! I read your psalm/poem and the tears welled up and ran down my face, and I'm in a public place (Panera), were I'd rather not be seen crying- yet have on numerous occasions!!!
    I wish I could give you a big hug right now!! I feel your pain.
    Hang on, though, God has everything under control!!!
    I remember sitting with Christy from "Our Adoption Journey", yes, I know her personally, and 2 expectent mothers about 6 months before "Dman" came into her life.
    All 4 of us were crying together about Christy's struggle with infertility and longing to be a mother. I truely identified with her, because I to long to be a mother. The big differance is that she's married and I'm not.
    So, even though you and I are not in the same position, I do empathise with you and I promise to keep you-my sister in Christ- and your hubby in my prayers along with Christy and her hubby.

  5. WOW! I have followed your blog for a while but never posted, but after that post I had to write something. You put into words what I have felt SOOO many times during the adoption process. He is listening to you...He knows whats deep in your heart. Stay strong, I promise you that your love and faith in the Lord will be rewarded. Have a Merry Christmas!

  6. I love you Rebekah. Words will not sooth you, so just a simple I love you will have to do.

  7. I hope you find the strength you are looking for. I know you are frustrated because I know exactly what you're going through. You are both in my thoughts.

  8. That was a beautiful post, and as you probably know I felt your every pain. This had to be the worst holiday for me since we've been waiting. It was so hard. Perhaps I'll blog about it soon, but right now it's just all too fresh and upsetting to think about. We shall continue to uphold eachother in our prayers.
    Hugs, Patti

  9. hey bek, I keep thinking about you, esp. because of your hopes of things to come before Christmas.

    I know God is out there making your path straight and forgetting nothing, making sure that your cup will over flow when you meet you baby for the first time.

    Lord, let your joy wash over Rebekah-let her current blessings always be in the fore front of her mind. As you are busy fullfilling every promise you have ever made on her behalf give her the joy that only you can. Sorrow lasts for a night and joy will come in the morning, especially on the day Rebekah becomes a mom. Lord, make the day quickly approach.


  10. I read your most recent post through my google reader, but for some reason don't see it on here, so I'm commenting here. I'm so glad Christmas Day was a good one for you. The presents are the sweetest. And what a blessing that conversation must have been for you! I definitely know where you are, even though our adoption went quickly, I have too many years of infertility in my history to not know how hard this holiday can be. Thanks for your transparency! Praying for you guys!
    And I don't think there's anything wrong with networking with other agencies if you feel you need to! Keep us updated.

  11. I can't see your most recent blog entry. What's going on?

  12. I just came across your blog and this post really got to me...if I had a gift with words like you do, I could have written that myself! It echoes everything I am feeling right now. The pain of not yet being a mother is eating away at me. I admire you for staying so strong!

    My husband is not yet willing to adopt, so I am stuck in a holding pattern. It just plain stinks.

    I hope that you receive your miracle soon! I'll keep following you blog, and you are more than welcome to check out mine!