Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Day 212

I'm taking a break from being thankful [smile]. Today's post is supposed to be "friends" and tomorrow's "Ben"....but it's hard to write inspiring words with a heavy heart. I thought I would be able to sneak through the holidays in one piece. It's so busy and fun and wonderful. I LOVE Christmas and everything that goes with it. I was so sure I would breeze through upbeat and cheerful and was mostly concerned about what I would feel like on January 1st. But I didn't escape. It's the day before Thanksgiving and my heart is so sad, my arms so empty, it's hard to be thrilled about doing any of my favorite things....I just want a baby. Lord, is that too much to ask? Lord????

It's really difficult to watch everyone else move on. Blog friends, real friends, strangers in the grocery store. Everyone else is making Christmas memories, starting traditions, continuing old ones. Me and Ben? Sitting at the same dinner table, eating the same dinners, having the same conversations. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband more than life. I love our friendship and camaraderie. I love all the time we've been able to spend melding our hearts and laughing. I love that we can take four hour naps on the weekends without having to think about anyone else but each other. But none of those things fill the empty hole in my heart...the arms that are always holding someone else's baby.

Are we doing the right thing? Did we pick the right agency? Should we forgo the dream of a newborn and adopt a toddler first? Do we need to be more open? Should we have less restrictions? Do I need to change our profile pictures? Do I need to change our profile? These questions run through my head every single day. I know the waiting anxiety is normal and my questions are not the first to be asked, but again that doesn't help me make it through the day. Call it foolish or naive, but I was so sure we would get chosen right away. I never imagined getting to the end of the year without a baby and now the faster it comes the harder I cry. Can I really make it through a 5th January, hoping the next year will be the year?

I completely understand why grief-stricken women steal babies from hospitals. The pain is simply too unbearable.

[Note: I'm signing off to make cookies...not to participate in illegal activities]


  1. As one of those who have "moved on" and are now blessed through adoption, I still cry reading your words. I remember the deep pain. I remember the parties, the bible study meetings, the shopping trips, the church services, EVERTHING that reminded me of my empty arms. I wish you could hear my voice because I PROMISE it is so worth it. Your doubts, frustrations, sadness, anger, etc will melt away. I'm not saying it goes away completely. It has taken this long because God has a specific baby for you. It will make sense some day. For now, I pray God's loving arms to hold you tight and bless you and Ben in your current 'no kids' state and much joy this holiday season.

  2. OH, Sweetie. I so know what you are feeling right now. And I wish I had the words to help you through. But, from experience, I know that there really aren't any.

    What I do know is this - God's timing is PERFECT. And God has THE baby already in mind for you. You are going to be such a great mommy, and this time with Ben is really preparing you both for the baby(ies?) that God is making just for you.

    I suggest that you and Ben start a fun tradition just for the two of you. A special outing, special gifts, ornaments, etc... One that will be easy to do once your arms ARE full. Something that is ONLY for the two of you. Try not to look at it as one more season with out a baby, try to see it as one LAST season with just Ben.

    I know that this is all easier said than done. Please know that my heart is hurting for you and prayers are being lfted up in your name!!!

    I love you Bekah!!!

  3. God understands and HE IS there...even though it is SO SO hard and I totally understand the WILL HAVE A BABY...I know that doesn't help and I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I will keep you in my prayers...we all understand and have been there. Have a Happy Thanksgiving with your family...your baby is out there waiting for you too. God Bless.

  4. Hugs and prayers. I can totally relate to your feelings. It is hard. I understand the ache you feel. And I know that you know...God is right there with you, carrying you all the way.

  5. Hey Bekah-

    I just wanted to give you a *hug* and tell you that I think you are doing everything right. I have many times thought of how you mentioned early on that "you needed to adopt an infant first because your skills are new just like the baby is new" and I see SO MUCH WISDOM in those words and that choice.
    I also think that your profile is perfect and the pictures are beautiful-I know would pick you!

    Everything is in God's hands and Bekah, in all honesty you know you want YOUR PERFECT MATCH which might still be yet to be created you know? God knows and HE is doing something amazing, I just know it.

  6. to type through tears????

    You said all I have in my heart. I try to not let them see it, I looked forward to this holiday season so much because I thought...I believed our answered prayer would be laying in our arms. EMPTY.

    I pray so hard for you, am not sure what drew me to you the first time I saw your blog...but you are heavy on my heart always. I know I haven't been around much lately, but trust me you are in my prayers.

    It is so hard to be thankful, but I read this a few minutes ago and wanted to share it.

    Thankfulness Enriched by Relief

    The more absorbed I am in the gospel, the more grateful I become in the midst of my circumstances, whatever they may be.

    Viewing life's blessings as water in a drinking cup, I know that I could discontentedly focus on the half of the cup that seems empty, or I could gratefully focus on the half that is full. Certainly, the latter approach is the better of the two, yet the gospel cultivates within me a richer gratitude than this.

    The gospel reminds me first that what I actually deserve from God is a full cup churning with the torments of His wrath. This is the cup that would be mine to drink if I were given what I deserve each day. With this understanding in mind, I see that to be handed a completely empty cup from God would be cause enough for infinite gratitude. If there were merely the tiniest drop of blessing contained in that otherwise empty cup, I should be blown away by the unbelievable kindness of God toward me. That God, in fact, has give me a cup that is full of "every spiritual blessing in Christ," and this without the slightest admixture of wrath, leaves me truly dumbfounded with inexpressible joy. As for my specific earthly circumstances of plenty or want, I can see them always as infinite improvements on the hell I deserve.

    When I look at any circumstance that God apportions me, I am first grateful for the wrath I am not receiving in that moment (The empty part of the cup never looked so good!). Second, I am grateful for the blessings that are given to me instead of His wrath. (Life's blessings, however small, always appear exceedingly precious when viewed against the backdrop of the wrath I deserve.) This two-layered gratitude disposed my heart to give thanks in all things and it also lends a certain intensity to my giving of thanks. Such a gospel-generated gratitude glorifies God, contributes to peace of mind, and keeps my foot from the path of foolishness and ruin.


  7. I love you, Bek. I long for the day when I hear your excitment-filled voice on the phone telling me it's time. It brings tears to my eyes.

    And it IS coming.

    Couldn't be more thankful for you...

  8. Once again, I know! I ask myself all those same questions all the time. How much more frustrating can this get?

    Aren't you so sick of saying, "next year we will be a family of three?" How much more can a gal take?

    I don't have any advice to give. All I know is that I, too was hoping the holidays would be a good distraction. Unfortunately they seem to be a magnifier.

    I always joke about stuffing cute babies in my purse. It is completely innapropriate and even if I knew I wouldn't get caught I wouldn't be able to live with it (obviously), but a girl can dream!

    Soon, Rebekah. It has to be soon.

  9. I could have written this post right now. The ache of empty arms is so raw, especially at this time of year. I try to be positive, I truly do feel thankful for my many blessings, but it still doesn't erase the pain because the pain is just so real.

    I wish we were on the other side of this and could know with certainty that it was all worth it. There really aren't any words to make it better. Just tears...and I hope you know that you have a blog friend who is praying for your family!

  10. I completely know what you're going through. I had some of the same feelings this morning, and I think we all get into this believing that we aren't going to have to wait very long. I know it's little consolation right now, but your time will come (mine will too!) and you'll be creating new memories with your growing family. The holidays are the hardest, I know.

  11. You are very much in my prayers.

  12. You will make it! You will get through! It will happen! And, I agree with Ashley, you will see that it was all worth it as that baby washes it away!
    Hang in there!! I KNOW of what I speak!!! I'll never forget feeling like you do!!! I wish I could take it away and bring you that baby now.........
    God is unfolding His perfect plan and will for your life!!!!
    Keep walking by faith and not by sight!!!

  13. Sending you a big hug! It's amazing once we walk the path of a grieving mom we understand lots of things that in the past made us think people were nuts. So many women (actually people period) take pregnancy and healthy babies for granted....I follow (stalk) your blog because the day I log on and see a baby in your arms I'm going to do the happy dance in my living room (hope everyone in my house is asleep when this happens ha) and then I'm going to hit my knees and thank God for finding some sweet baby the perfect mom! Hope you are eating the cookies you!

  14. rebekah.....i am jamie's mom...and since she started her adoption blog, i have followed your blog also....i have to tell you that reading this today sounds like a conversation i have had over and over and over with my dear sweet daughter, and it brings tears to my eyes and an ache to my heart to know exactly what you are going through ....because i have seen it firsthand with jamie and my dear son-in-law. i pray the time is short...that your little one finds you and you know your story soon.
    keeping you in my heart and prayers,

  15. I know I'm late in commenting on this but...better late than never, right?

    You said: "Call it foolish or naive, but I was so sure we would get chosen right away. I never imagined getting to the end of the year without a baby and now the faster it comes the harder I cry..." which pretty much sums up exactly how I've been feeling lately.

    Sometimes I feel the rest of the world is spinning in circles around me while I just stand still and wait the hardest wait of my life. Of course that's not true...I'm definitely not standing still, but know. I have been questioning myself, us, and our adoption decisions a lot lately too, which probably only makes everything worse. I'm normally so confident but right now I'm shaken.

    I want to say something to comfort you or to make you feel better, but I know firsthand the sad truth that there really are no words. If nothing else, hopefully there is some small comfort in the knowledge that we're not alone in this place. Even those who have moved on to new experiences haven't forgotten. Much like we won't forget these days when our time finally comes.

    I am thinking of you, and always. I am sincerely hoping that 2009 IS the right time for both of is. Hang in there, friend!


  16. The holidays were the hardest for J and I, too, when we were waiting last year. (((Hugs))) The questions you're asking yourself sound SO familiar to me and they are productive to a point. Maybe you could pray and ask God to speak: if you have made a wrong turn at some point in the process that he point it out to you clearly. If He doesn't answer, just hang tight and January will probably feel better, believe it or not. (((Hugs)))

  17. I'm so sorry...I know this pain and I know the dark place that accompanies it. Sometimes it almost seems too much to bear and there are those questions....all the "why" questions. Logically I knew that there was a plan for me, but emotionally I felt so alone. People would tell me "when it happens you will know why you waited...why you haven't been chosen yet". I understood what they were saying and I prayed that they were right. Sometimes the old IF feelings would surface and I would even go back there and feel angry and hurt and frustrated. I can tell you only this ~ having recently been chosen (we waited 7 months from the time of our adoption approval back in April)I KNOW that this baby is meant to be ours. There are so many things that the bmom and I have in common it's unbelievable. The thoughtfullness and kindness they have shown us amazes me. You WILL have this ~ you are a beautiful person and God has a VERY special baby in mind for you.....I promise. :) I know this doesn't alleviate the hurt you feel, but when the time does'll rejoice to God in a way that you never have before. :) And you'll know why you waited....

  18. I can't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said so perfectly. I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts right now, as is all adoptive couples who are waiting for a match or placement.

  19. I can't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said so perfectly. I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts right now, as is all adoptive couples who are waiting for a match or placement.

  20. I hear you. It is so difficult to hear everybody move on while you are still in the same place. The holidays are especially difficult. Thinking about you and praying for your baby to finally find you!!!

  21. I know what waiting is like and how easily my heart can give into the hurt. I am 31 and still single. I desired more than anything to be a godly wife and mother. But now my friends have 1-5 children and are celebrating 4-11 years of marriage. It is hard to hold on and sometimes I give in to the despondency. But quickly friends remind me of God's love and their love and until the day when we are blessed with our heart's desires, we just hold on, place all our weight on God, and allow Him to continue loving us, carrying us, and giving us vision for the future He desires for us.

    Hoping these things for you.

    Julie (in Detroit)

  22. I got teary eyed reading this post.
    I can only imagine the heartache you described, but I have a good imagination and alot of empathy!
    I'll be praying that 2009 will be the year you and Ben become parents.

  23. Julie's post struck a chord in my heart. I too am a single woman who has dreamed for years of being a wife and a mother, by birth, adoption or in my most cherished dreams, a combination of the two!!
    I am almost 43 now, and those dreams have not come true, but I know God still loves me and He loves you too, Rebecca. I truely believe that He will bless you and Ben with a baby at just the right time!! You are in my prayers. By the way, Christy from the "Our Adoption Journey" blog goes to my church. I was at the baby shower that a mutual friend held not long after "Dman" came home. I see how happy Chris and Christy are with their son and I know that you and Ben will be just as happy someday with your little blessing. Just hold on, Sweetie. God has you right in the palm of his hand!

  24. Rebekah- I'm sorry that I misspelled your name in my last comment. You will notice that I have spelled it correctly in my more recent posts.