Sunday, January 18, 2009

Day 265

I think it's safe to say this is the crappiest week I've ever had. There are so many factors that I just don't feel at liberty to discuss so publicly right now...but between the agency meeting, going on birthcontrol (ironic, right?), and a continuous stream of bad news, Ben and I were left feeling like empty shells. For the first time since we whispered infertility, we felt like giving up. I wish I could go into all the details, but I'm just too energy zapped. The beauty of this mummy-state, however, was my afternoon with Ben. On the way home from church Ben asked if we could run away and move to a land with no families; no babies. Tempting as it was, we settled for an afternoon in our dark basement that quietly paralleled our hearts and mood.

After hours of old Doris Day movies, I turned into Ben, traced his face with my fingers and told him he was my best friend. There, cuddled on the couch in the blackness, we had found a way to stop time and burrowed away from the world...together. In the sweetness of the moment a little conversation emerged. One that made me fall in love with my husband all over again....

Ben started with, "I wish I could protect you from the world...I wish I could walk around with you and block your eyes and step in when people say hurtful things..."

My reply: "I wish you could too...I love that you want to protect me."

"It's my job to keep your heart from hurting."

"But it's hurting now..."

With a silly smirk he said, "I know I'm not doing a very good I?"

In that instant, all eleven years flashed before my eyes and I thanked God for Ben. I love him. I seriously do. If I had to choose, baby or Ben, I would choose Ben every time. In the midst of the darkest time in my life, I have one very shining light.


  1. Hey R.

    I'm so sorry things have been so rough for you lately, you are definitely in my thoughts and prayers. I understand that feeling of sometimes needing to keep things to yourself, sometimes that's just the way it is.

    It is such a huge comfort to know we have our husbands, even when the rest of the world seems like it's just too much to bare.

    Just the other night, Michael and I were cuddling on the couch watching a movie. I had the distinct feeling that I was safe there with him and that thought was so comforting. I told him he made me feel safe and he just smiled. It was a sweet moment.

    Hang in there and know that if you ever need to talk I'm an email away!


  2. I am sorry you hurt. I know the hurt oh so much. You're in my thoughts and prayers - both you and Ben. COntinue to share those wonderful moments together!!!!!
    Hugs, Pep

  3. Sorry to hear about your rough week, but I'm excited that you found time to connect through all the pain.

  4. Rebekah, I am so sorry that you are hurting, that your heart is in so much pain.

    For the longest time on my journey, I felt as if I were all alone and that I was walking by myself, without even my husband. It has only been recently, when we reconnected, that I realize how truly lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband to be my supporter as I try to heal. Thank God that Ben is such a blessing to you. I'm thankful that you have that light in your life.

    Hang day we will find true happiness again. Until then, that island sounds great!!! ;)

  5. Sorry to hear about the bad week and feeling down. You two are such a great support for each other. I had to take birth control a few times after my hysterectomy and it totally sucks every time you pick it up. It hurts to swallow it knowing you can't get pregnant. aarrgghhH!
    I will pray for you tonight

  6. Hopefully next week will be better. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you too. I'm so happy that you have Ben in your life. You are so blessed.

  7. The greatest gift you can give your future children is a GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR DAD....keep it up...God Bless!

  8. R ~
    My heart is aching for you...I'm so glad you have your best friend. God knew we would need best friend is the one person who has helped me through all of this hurt too. I'm praying for you and hoping that this week is much step at a time dear friend.

  9. I am SO sorry, sweetie. I don't understand why some days can be so much worse than others... I wish there was a magic pill we could take to just blur by all the crappy stuff and get straight to the happiness. I was absolutely wrecked last week and found myself asking my husband if I was supposed to be "Mary Sunshine" every day of my life just because I am a Christian that knows God will ultimately work it all out or if it's ok to still allow myself to feel extremely bitter and miserable on the mornings that I just cannot find the strength to smile.

    I hope your find your smile again soon.

    Prayers, love, hugs,

  10. There's something comforting about just finding our solace in our husbands...the pain deepens your relationship in a way that others will never experience. Thank God for godly husbands who truly love us as we are! I'm praying for you, Rebekah...keep on keeping on. Every day is a day closer.

  11. Hey Rebekah
    They make it ok don't they? Our marriage kept us sane during this as we always always had each other. We have a depth and a love that would not be possible without the pain bonding and drawing us together. I think that is the (one and only!!!) gift infertility brings- the chance to have a marriage second to none.
    Thank God for our husbands!

  12. some days you just need that time. it does sound like you had a very rough week, joy comes in the morning.

    some day you will get "the call" and your tears will be tears of joy!

  13. Hang in there... I'm sure your baby is out there... You had asked me a question about adopting through foster care. We really aren't doing that exactly. We're still adopting a newborn domestically, but the organization we're with requires all adoptive parents to become licensed foster parents so they can take a baby home directly from the hospital. I don't know that this is required by all agencies for domestic adoptions, but that happens to be how ours does it. I can't remember if the first agency we looked into required that or not. Our license is not technically "open," so the state can't come knocking on the door. I think it's classified as a license for a specific child, but that child just isn't born yet. I believe we can keep the license current after we adopt and we could eventually foster if we want down the road, and I think that's what we may do, but it's hard to say at this point.

  14. I'm sorry that things have been so difficult. It's wonderful to have that kind of support from your husband, and to be able to draw on each other's strength. You're both in my thoughts.

  15. Recently found your blog and I have to say it sounds like you have a wonderful husband.
    Sorry that you had a bad week. They come and go unfortunately throughout the process. I hope this week is much better.

  16. I love the way that God makes beauty from ashes!!! I know it's hard to see now but, whatever His plan holds for you, because you love Him and seek Him, it will be beauty from these ashes!!!!
    I can tell you without a doubt that the Lord used IF to make Steve and I so much stronger and closer than we ever would be to this day had we not gone through it together! We had a rough first 2 years and I know that IF saved our marriage. Without it, we may be without each other today but, here we are nearly 17 yrs. later.
    Keep clinging tightly to your Heavenly Father first and then to the love that he gifted you with in Ben!!!

  17. I am so sorry that you are hurting. But, I am so happy you have Ben. The conversation you had with him is similar to one Scott and I had recently. God blessed us with men that took it seriously. They love us with everything in them, they would do, give, be, fight...anything to make us happy and to keep hurt from ever entering our hearts. I can't imagine dealing with what we deal with without them.

    (HUGS) You are in my prayers.


  18. Rebekah,
    I stumbled upon your blog today, and wow is all i can say. I feel your pain, my husband and I are going through the exact same process right now. As I read a few of your entries I realized we have much in commen...bestfriends due in the spring etc....
    I too would not get by without the constant love and support of my wonderful husband...we are blessed to have them.
    I will continue to pray for you and I do believe it will happen when the time is right, for all of us waiting...
    thanks for sharing you story..

  19. I hope that you're feeling a little bit better by now. I'm so
    sorry that you've had such a rough time lately. What you wrote about your time with Ben is very touching. I don't have that kind of relationship- I'm single and I'm not dating anyone- and although on the whole I'm content and enjoy my freedom, sometimes I feel lonely.
    Anyway- you and Ben are in my thoughts and prayers. Please update us ASAP about how you're doing! HUGS

  20. I am sorry that you are hurting right now, but I am so glad you have Ben.

  21. my heart has just ached for you since reading this post. you've been on my thoughts so much, and i've been praying that you will find some peace. i'm so glad that you and ben have each other - i feel the same about my husband. it's such a powerful bond.

  22. My heart hurt on Sun. afternoon too. Every year, in Jan. my church holds a "Pro-Life Inerfaith
    Prayer Memorial, mouning (36) years of legalized abotion in the
    US." I go almost every year. It hurts my heart that since 1973 50
    MILLION babies have been aborted!
    I just imagine what a blessing these babies would have been to couples like you and Ben. I am also acutely aware that I myself might have been aborted if abortion
    had been legal in 1965. This years keynote speaker was a beautiful young woman who had survived an atempt by her birth mother to abort her via salene abortion in 1977. She was adopted
    by a loving couple who already had an adopted daugter. What a blessing!!
    I know how it feels to want be in a place where there are no babies or families. I feel that way myself sometimes. Hang in there.
    I'm praying that you and Ben will be parents soon! Hope you can blog again soon! I long to know how you're doing!

    HUGS for you

  23. I found your blog quite by accident and it strikes me odd as I totally relate to a total stranger found by chance. Good luck to you. This road is long, hard and beyond frustrating! Been there. done that.
    Good luck to you and your family. you will be in my prayers.

  24. My daughter-in-law just shared your blog with me today, so I'm doing some catching up with it (obviously!). This post so reminded me of Elkanah saying to Hannah, "Am I not more to you than ten sons?" (I Samuel 1:8).