I think it's safe to say this is the crappiest week I've ever had. There are so many factors that I just don't feel at liberty to discuss so publicly right now...but between the agency meeting, going on birthcontrol (ironic, right?), and a continuous stream of bad news, Ben and I were left feeling like empty shells. For the first time since we whispered infertility, we felt like giving up. I wish I could go into all the details, but I'm just too energy zapped. The beauty of this mummy-state, however, was my afternoon with Ben. On the way home from church Ben asked if we could run away and move to a land with no families; no babies. Tempting as it was, we settled for an afternoon in our dark basement that quietly paralleled our hearts and mood.
After hours of old Doris Day movies, I turned into Ben, traced his face with my fingers and told him he was my best friend. There, cuddled on the couch in the blackness, we had found a way to stop time and burrowed away from the world...together. In the sweetness of the moment a little conversation emerged. One that made me fall in love with my husband all over again....
Ben started with, "I wish I could protect you from the world...I wish I could walk around with you and block your eyes and step in when people say hurtful things..."
My reply: "I wish you could too...I love that you want to protect me."
"It's my job to keep your heart from hurting."
"But it's hurting now..."
With a silly smirk he said, "I know I'm not doing a very good job...am I?"
In that instant, all eleven years flashed before my eyes and I thanked God for Ben. I love him. I seriously do. If I had to choose, baby or Ben, I would choose Ben every time. In the midst of the darkest time in my life, I have one very shining light.