Monday, July 14, 2008

Day 79

"Though it cost all you have, get understanding."
Proverbs 4:7

I've been stewing for a couple days. Not in a smoldering anger kind of way, but in a "God, what do I do?!" way. I love Proverbs 4:7. Every time I read it, the words grip my heart as they jump off the page. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Get understanding. For me, this has meant: do whatever it takes to search out the heart of God for my life. There were points in my life where I wrote these words on my heart and passionately pursued Him with reckless abandon. I mean it. I didn't care what anyone else thought or said, I only lived to please my King. Still...there have been other times that I questioned the Father. Pleaded, begged, sobbed for answers I did not understand. Tonight, I fall somewhere in-between.

I allowed infertility to harden my heart...and allowing the sweet balm of Jesus to soften the folds, has not come swiftly. As I work toward passion once again, I think about Proverbs 4:7. In the last few years, the Lord has remained mum on why we haven't been able to conceive a child. Not a peep. Do you know how difficult that is? [I know most of you do] Not a "trust me" or "remember my promise" and I certainly never heard, "your time is coming." I don't know about you, but God talks to me. I hear his voice. Clear as day sometimes. Yet, I have heard nothing in regards to having a child.

Tonight, I am whole. I'm not emotional. I'm not angry. I'm not even anxious. I am in complete and total peace. Infertility did not come cheap, and I'm not talking money (although we did spend plenty of that!) Everything I thought I believed was stripped down...every emotion I thought I had experienced intensified, every unasked question I was too respectful to ask, I screamed...Every aspect of who I am was broken. Countless times throughout my life I have prayed, "Lord, your will be done." It's not until tonight, amidst my musing, that I can see the fulfillment. A few short months ago I was a small girl laying on the bathroom floor with nothing left, but faint breath. Understanding had cost me all I had. I was too wrapped up in the pain to see how God had answered my prayer. And I don't think I've stopped long enough, through the adoption process, to see the beauty of arrived understanding. However, today I began to see my life unfold and the wonder of it leaves me breathless. It's not just the baby. It's my passion, my talents, my dreams...they are beginning to take clear paths before my eyes. All of the sudden, I am able to see God's plan before me and all the elements working together. I am astonished. Instantly, I understand...I understand why I had to endure the heartache. I understand the years of brokenness. I understand my recent bouts of anger.

I confess. I have been struggling with the onslaught of insensitive remarks that have carelessly [even if unknowingly] been brought on by ignorance. I wasn't sure why they were hurting my feelings so much, until tonight. On Sunday, after asking me how the adoption process was going, a man said to me, "I'm still trusting God for a miracle; I believe you will get pregnant." After hearing variations of the same thought vocalized--time and time again--I'm ready to go on an adopting mom rampage. Tonight was the last straw. I'm in Home Depot, buying another can of paint for the baby's room, when the employee pretends to be interested and asks, "So...what's the project?" I excitedly answer, "I'm putting the finishing touches on our baby's room."

"'re pregnant?" He quizzically gives me an up-down.

Genuine laugh. "No, no, I'm not pregnant. We're adopting."

His response? [Brace yourself] "Oh. Well, that's okay, too."

My dry, but pointed response. "I know."

I got to the Jeep and let the fury flow. Had a complete and total stranger really just given me the "a-ok" for adoption? Did he think I really needed his stamp of approval? Did he think his response gave me peace of mind? I knew I needed to step back and think when my alter ego "raging lunatic girl" wanted to stomp back to the help desk and beat him to a pulp. Because I can't take out every ignoramus on the planet I cried, "Lord, why does this make me so angry?"

And the answer came...

It has taken me years of turmoil to truly see the hand of God on my life. To accept His will; His plan..and to be thrilled by it. When someone makes what-they-perceive-to-be-godly or maybe just down-right "friendly" comment, it cuts straight to my heart. It contradicts Truth for my life. It negates everything God has taught...all the progress...all the dying to self...and offers a pat reminder of what the old me used to relish. My friends, I believe these comments--no matter how innocent the intent--are anti-Christ, in accordance to the plan He has paved for me. Why can't people just accept adoption as part of the plan?

God has created me for this time, for this moment, for this child. THIS IS HIS PLAN. I'm not going to let anyone tell me otherwise. Because I can't go smashing faces in [smile], I'm going to start being frank with those that dish their godly wisdom. If people truly care about Ben and I they will stop praying pregnancy and start praying preparation. Preparation for the power of God that's about to be unleashed in our lives.


  1. Wow! I found your blog (can't remember who's blog roll it was) and just wanted to say, "You go girl!!!" My husband and I struggled for for 6 years with unexlplained IF before we decided to listen to God and pursue adoption. Now, when I snuggle with my nearly three year old daughter whom we adopted, I can clearly see God's hand in all the heartache and anger that came with IF. He ALWAYS, ALWAYS knows best! I also agree with you in imparting God wisdom on people. We are one of those couples that you hear about...we became pregnant last spring and our daughter was born two days after Christmas. I can't tell you how many "I told you so" comments we have endured because people REALLY believe that adoption is a cure for IF. I have quit being nice and have started giving complete strangers mini sermons about God's sovereignty and that HE has laid the plans for our life.

    I encourage you to continue to lean on Him as you wait and prepare for the arrival of your baby.


  2. Wow. My heart is so full reading your post. So full because you understand EXACTLY what I feel in this journey. I have no friends or family that understand what adoption means to me and my husband. They talk about it as a last resort. They make comments about us finally getting pregnant b/c we are "relaxed now" or "distracted by adoption." And, there is never a shortage of stories of people who adopt and immediately get pregnant. I want to scream that this is our path God has paved and we are so thrilled that we will be blessed with a child this way. We've even had conversations about never TTC and the timing of which we'll try to update our homestudy and re-enter the pool (as you know, we haven't even adopted our first). I'm SOOOO sick of the empty "oh, that's so wonderful"-type comments people give when they hear we're adopting. God is so good and so big and our families will be so rich in love and appreciation. You totally rock and I feel encouraged to stand up even more now after reading your blog. :)

  3. Thank you for this. My husband and I are in the process of closing the door on infertility treatment and are seriously discussing adoption. It's remarkable how many people out there still tell us IVF success stories or say they're still praying for a miracle pregnancy for us. You have managed to articulate why that hurts and feels so counterproductive.

    I've only been reading for about a week now, but I look forward to joining you on this journey. I send you lots of prayers - of peace and preparation.

  4. Once again you have articulated what so many people cannot. You touch the lives of so many around you, and that is just a small part of the plan that God has for your family through all of this. I cannot wait to see what unfolds in the future for you, as the Lord continues to lay on your heart new understanding. Love you friend. Praying that your hearts would be prepared for the life that will soon be yours to love and cherish, like NO ONE else can.

  5. Amen! Thank you for being so transparent and sharing your intimate thoughts. You have summed up perfectly what so many of us adoptive parents feel. I could write a book with all the comments we heard while dealing with infertility - and many of them stung badly. I look forward to your posts and am excited to follow on your journey!

  6. Satan tries to sneak in at every turn and through the words of others all the time! It is hard not to let the words of others break in to our interior, but I always have to remind myself that the only words I should listen to are the ones from God himself. I am so glad you are feeling so at peace and his plan is finally being revealed to you. There is no greater moment in life than the one where we understand how is working through us and what his BEST for us really is. ;)

  7. Hi Rebekah! I am yet another Jessica that has recently found your blog (just last week I found it from Yoka's blog). Anyway, I've read through your whole story because it sounds so much like ours. Your thoughts, your views, your experiences...we're there.

    I appreciate this post so much. When we announced to our families that we were not going to pursue IVF and we were having a baby through adoption, we told them that we didn't want anyone to suggest "oh, you know what will happen. you'll adopt and then get pregnant."

    Number one, that is not something we even think about anymore. Our baby is out there, but will not come from my womb. And it's not fair for us to think that, it's not fair for us to think adoption is a means to pregnancy. And we truly don't believe that!

    But we also want to be VERY clear that this is the way God has chosen to build our family. And from the moment I realized that (God speaks to me, too, through my heart and he's very clear) it felt like such a celebration to finally know how to find our baby.

    So many people think of adoption as a second choice, a last choice even. But for us it is simply God's will which means our first choice. Of course we went the "old fashioned" route for a while. But we let go, we let God, and here we are. Completely sure and trusting that he's going to lead us to our child.

    Which is why I also appreciated your recent blog on being sure that you were not born to give birth. I spent so long wanting a child but not feeling that deep desire to BE pregnant. You put it into words perfectly, and it's so nice to know that someone understands. Try explaining it to family or friends...they just don't understand! But I know that my body may not be built to give birth, but my heart and my soul are.

    Thanks for sharing your story, I love reading it. We're praying for you guys!

  8. After reading all these all these lovely ladies' comments I just have to say EXACTLY MY THOUGHT.

    People just don't get it.

  9. Rebekah,

    You have voiced everything here so beautifully. I too have had my faith severely shaken through the process of infertility. I love your words about this, and your conviction is catching.

    I had to laugh at your comment about your alter ego. I so hear you on the insensitive comments of others. I like the idea of frankness as your new tactic, to me it is really the only way to handle such situations.


  10. Ya just have to wonder what the heck those people are thinkin'!!! I cannot believe how rude they are sometimes!

    Just know that know that God is directing your steps and that is all that matters! I know that the remarks can be painful as well as aggrivating, but those are the people that I try to say a prayer for instead of getting angry (and, at times, it works!!). The anger does not hurt them - only me!

    They just don't know or understand. It is their loss.

    Praying for ya girl!

  11. Back during the infertility stuff I did pray that you would get pregnant. Slowly my prayers went from "God, open her womb." to "Give Ben and Rebekah their crown."
    Early this morning I was praying for you and BAM...there it was again, "Give Ben and Rebekah their crown." Yet this time it also went with "Pick the perfect one for them."

    I can't wait to lay my eyes on your hand picked crown. makes me all weepy just thinking about it.

  12. You write and express so beautifully! What a gift...that I wish I had!! And, you express what all of us feel..or have felt!! Praise God that He has brought you through all that He has and delivered you to where you are now!
    and....Amen!!! I got so tired of hearing that people were still praying for our miracle pregnancy! UGH! That's not what we wanted anymore b/c we knew that was not God's heartbeat for our lives!

  13. Rebekah, I don't even know how to say what I feel about your post. I admire your articulation and your confidence and your trust in God. I do honestly feel like this is God's plan for me (if I search back, I always had a hunch it WOULD be his plan), but I still question why and I still question his additional challenges for me (like all my friends being pregnant right now, thrusting me from my peaceful wait). I don't desire pregnancy any longer - but I am ready for his plan to EXECUTE! I am, however, excited to see what he has in store for me! and for you!

  14. Great job! I agree! People still tell me..."You watch, you adopt and then you'll get pregnant." How I hate this! Being pregnant was once the goal for me, but then I realized the real goal had to be to raise the child that God has in mind for me....and that child is on his way...I was just not meant to carry him/her in my body. Adoption is not the cure it's GOD PLAN. God Bless.

  15. Thank you for recommending 'Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother'. I went straight to Amazon and bought it! I look forward to reading it.

  16. I found your blog through Bri's. Wonderful post. I say Amen to all of it. I also believe that our adoption, our (my) infertility is God's gift and God's plan. And I know that if it is God's will for me to become pregnant it will be after our adoption and that will be wonderful...and if not...that will also be wonderful. God bless you and your husband.

  17. Love this post, and I hear ya! We've had our share of comments (still getting them, actually) and I have to continually remind myself, "...they don't know us or our situation." Comments like that aren't usually about YOU so much as they are about being heard about a topic.

    Before Josiah came along, it was much harder to deal with ignorant comments. Now, I just think of his smiling face and say to myself, "if this person had any idea what they were talking about, it might be worth engaging in a meaningful dialogue..."

  18. Please do write a book, or rather books! :) I know they would be amazing! When I finished reading your blog all I could think of was..AMEN! :)

  19. What an amazing post!! I'm going to have to come read it again when this jet lag headache goes away and I can comment straight. But it was super awesome the first time through. Wow!

  20. WOW!! That post was so moving and inspiring. I am just sobbing reading it, but with a sense of empowerment that I didn't have before. Thank you for sharing with us...I can see God in your words :D