Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Day 59

Yesterday, was a difficult day. My sister had the most beautiful, and I mean beautiful, baby girl. Nya Grace. I had the privilege of holding my sister's hand and encouraging her through the process. Moms are seriously superheroes. Really, I mean it. Strap on a cape and they can pretty much do it all. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I have had the opportunity to see not one...not two...but three live births! Each one has left me in awe and wonder. It is absolutely incredible. There aren't even the words to describe it.

After I got married, my girlfriends and I had a joke. I was always the bride never the bridesmaid. We thought ourselves clever for that one! In part, my "bride" syndrome came from age. Ben and I were only 20 and 22 when we got married and it took a few years for my closest girlfriends to catch-up! [side note: Laura gets favorite friend award because when the time came she's the only one who actually let me stand in her wedding, of all my friends! If my sisters are reading this, know that I expect to be in yours...I have lots of good "bridesmaid" years left!]

Anyway...back to yesterday being a hard day. Our coined phrase quickly came to mind. First with a smile, then followed by tears. Always a bride never a bridesmaid. Always a birth "friend" never a birth "mom." Not an easy concept to swallow...even after all these years. It's hard to express my feelings because they're so conflicting. It wasn't being in the room that was difficult...that part was amazing. It wasn't holding her hand, or wiping her tears. It wasn't the cry of precious life or the sweet daddy/baby moments. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't even the fact that she could conceive and I cannot. It was the simplicity and assuredness of the moment that smacked me in the face. My sister had sex. Got pregnant. Never planned a thing. Had a baby. Easy...simple...pure. Now don't misinterpret my emotions. I KNOW how difficult actually having that baby is. I have seen the pain, heard the cries, and watched the exhaustion. I'm talking about the ease of the process. No hiccups. No risk. No wondering if this baby will actually go home with you. No waiting. No heartache. Yet, my expectant journey if full of all the above.

You know how there's certain things in life you were born to do?

I was born to worship God. Born to write. Born to make a difference. Born to be a mom. I am sure in those things; confident. They run through my blood like a part of my DNA and no one can ever take them from me. I was not, however, born to have a baby. (Right now every person who thought/said "don't say that" or "don't lose faith" or "that's not true!" take it back. Really, take it back. Take back what you think is the right or godly response and hear my heart.) I don't think I was meant to have babies. As in birthing them.

I first witnessed the birth of one my closest girlfriends, Laura, [man she really gets the kudos, wedding and birth!). After Maddy plopped her way into the world, with all sincerity I looked at Laura and said, "Will you have all my babies? There's no way I can do this." And I meant it! Watching my sister, last night, the same sentiment came to mind. These fantastic, heroic women, have a strength that I do not posses. I am in awe of God's handiwork at large. I really don't think I was born for childbirth. Truly. I'm not speaking from insecurity or fear or lack of confidence. I just don't feel born to do it. I don't. There's no part of me that even WANTS to do it. For years we went the infertility route because I wanted a baby and that seemed the easiest method. I'm loving life now, knowing that I get to skip over that whole process!

I've read several books that expressed the ache and heartache of adoptive moms that long to carry their own babies. I don't feel it. I've talked to women who have had a difficult time meeting with their birth mom because they are jealous of their ability. I don't understand it. I've heard stories of women that live life torn even with their adopted child. I won't. Those that know me best would agree, I am in confident in everything I do. My confidence comes from knowing who I am in Christ, and walking in it. I am confident in my role as adoptive mother and I am confident that this is the path God has for us. I am secure in my ability and honored to be given such a gift.

We were all born for some things. And maybe not born for others. The balance comes from embracing our talents and not chasing others.

I know I was a little scattered-brained in writing, but there's so many emotions running through my heart, I'm just trying to make sense of them. When my head hit the pillow last night I wanted to cry with exhaustion, but sleep won. Today, is a new day. Jason and Rachael's, Nya Grace, is God's gift to our family today. Ours is a gift to come.

[I'll post a picture when I can!]


  1. This is such a beautiful posts.
    I have felt the same so many times, like childbirth was just not intended for me.
    When you hand it over to God and he takes control, your life becomes exactly what it was supposed to be.
    You are so strong and are handling all of this so beautifully, so many women don't. The bitterness, the hate, the anger they feel, it's not healthy.
    Your courage inspires me.

  2. Beautiful post, not scattered at all...or maybe that speaks volumes that my train of thoughts are scattered too :)

    I haven't posted anything on my blog really about this, but over the last few weeks adoption has been my husband's and my every day conversation.

    I think the main reason we put it off for so long was what you said...people's responses of don't give up, have faith yada yada yada. I let that make my heart and mind feel like if we chose adoption we were giving something up. That can't be further from the truth!

    After following you and a few others who are starting on that road I really realized that this is where Scott and I should be heading. It isn't always about the journey and how you get there...it is reaching that destination.

    It is amazing how peace has started wrapping around us since making steps to this decision. Like you said...we were born to be mother's...who said it had to be through 9 months of pregnancy!?

    Thank you for your heart you put out there for people like me. God certainly sends people into our lives for reasons.

    Praying for you always.

  3. congrats aunt b!

    i am glad to hear everyone is safe and sound and amazing!

    i understand how you feel more than I could ever explain between witnessing my sister giving birth and the feeling of not being born to do it. Despite the fact I already have. Hard to explain-but I find a lot of peace in our journey that helps me with mine.

  4. I know I've said this a million times, but I really identify with you. From the "always a bride" (NEVER been in a wedding, had 7 girls in mine- still waiting for them to catch up) to always watching births and never birthing those births, to always feeling like I was never going to be pregnant. I went to the gyno at 16 and told the dr I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to have kids (he assured me I would, of course). I do long for the pregnancy sometimes, but mostly I am longing for the simplicity of a pregnancy. I went to the hospital last night to see a friend's 5 hour old baby. She couldn't even move to hug me (her labor was 26 hours long post water breakage). I definately won't miss that!! It's going to be really nice to feel physically tip-top with my infant.

  5. Your amazing...you walk in grace and confidence in everything you do. What an encouragement and wonderful example you are to others. love you

  6. Wow, Bek, what a post. I'm so privledged to read your words. I eat 'em up :). I'm pretty sure I was BORN to spoil little Pinchback like crazy!!! Love you forever and back.

    Ps. You are always welcome at all of my memorable moments. Although, you've already attended the big ones :)

    PPs. I want to be the first purchaser of your book. Seriously, I do. And I want it signed. And then another signed one that I can sell on e-bay to make big bucks!

  7. I just found you through Mel and have to say your writing is beautiful. My husband and I are just a bit ahead of you in the process - we are in the wait - and daily I find myself leaning on strangers words for comfort and companionship.

    It's great to know that another of our ranks has taken the courage to share her voice.

    I look forward to reading your archives and walking the journey with you. God does have amazing things planned.

  8. Congratulations to your sister and your family. I understand all of the emotions you're going through. It was a lovely and heart-felt post.

  9. Rebekah,
    This is beautifully written and shared. I didn't find it scattered at all.
    I can completely understand what you are saying.
    Looking back, I so honestly feel that the 7 yrs. we spent trying to conceive, alone and with help, it was all about being a mom....'getting' a baby for me, not necessarily 'having' a baby. I know that feeling you describe. Once I laid that burden down, and realized that what was driving me was the desire for mothering, not for pregnancy, there was a peace.
    Still an ache of empty arms but, a peace.
    I do think there may always be a part of me that wonders what it would have been like, felt like, etc. having had the experience.
    However, I know that the children God has given me are the ones that He always ordained to be mine and they weren't ever ordained to come from me! Praising God that I have them...every moment! Not looking back and mourning over any loss!

    Thank you for your transperancy in sharing! Yours is a journey that is beautiful to watch! Thank you for letting me peek in and see!!

  10. I am really enjoying your blog! I am so glad I ran across it. I am with you, I am (no longer) longing to experience pregnancy. I did before we adopted our son, but once he was here I realized that I get the best part! I've got him who is just as much a part of me as a biological child would be - and an incredible gift from God! - without having to go through pregnancy and delivery! In that respect, I really think we, as adoptive moms, are the lucky ones! I relate with you over mourning the simplicity. Having a child will never be as simple as deciding to try again. I know exactly how you feel!