Deadline.

We received an update on Little Boy. The state has gotten involved because of the length of time he's been in the system without any move toward adoption. They have given Little Boy's caseworker until February 24th to name a family.

The situation is maddening. We submitted our interest in adoption more than two months ago! All I've been told is that his agency started the process of contacting a past adoptive family to see whether or not they're interested in adopting Little Boy. If the family is not interested in adoption, Little Boy's caseworker will have to recruit another family.

I'm not upset that the agency is giving preference to a family that has adopted some of Little Boy's siblings; I'm upset that they're just now being contacted. Little Boy has been in six foster care homes in his short two years of life. Parental' rights were terminated six and twelve months ago and Ben and I submitted our assessment for consideration of adoption in late November.

Why then was he put on our state's website in effort to recruit a family? Was our assessment discarded? Misplaced?

I am trying my best to remain neutral, here, but I want to bring Little Boy home. I'm thankful for the state's involvement, now, and a definite deadline. I am praying that God will move in Little Boy's case and bring him the best fitting family in the next ten days, recognizing that it may not be us....

...but hoping, begging, and pleading with the Lord that it is.

Little Boy has been through a lot.

It's time for him to live the life of a typical two year old and I know just the right two year old to show him how...

Pick Me!

Do you remember when I told you about Little Boy?

Last I heard, there were two families with stronger ties hoping to adopt him. I had fallen in love with this sweet boy on paper and was, selfishly, heartbroken even though I knew he was going to live with a familiar family.

We have our adoption assessment completed, but are still waiting on our foster license (I have no idea what's taking so long), so we never did get to read through the profiles of the sibling group we were contacted with. I assume they've been placed by now.

I did my routine check on our state's website to see if there were kids within our age range posted. I'm not sure if every state has such a website, but for ours it's considered the "last call" site. It's heartbreaking to visit, but inspiring as we continue on the path God's leading. When the page refreshed, I was shocked. My eyes immediately went to Little Boy's name.

And then his picture.

It was my first glance at the eyes my heart already loved.

After about a minute of melting, the shock wore off and my frustration set in.

Why would Little Boy ever be put on a final call site when he had three families interested in adopting him? And if something fell through with the top two families, why on earth didn't someone call us?

I immediately sent our  assessment to his caseworker from the state site and emailed my caseworker for the details. It took two days to hear back that an email inquiry had been made, but there was no information to relay.

God has worked tremendous patience deep into my heart.

I posted a pin on pinterest the other day that said,

Sometimes the things we can't change end up changing us.

How true that has been for me. God turned me inside out and washed vigorously. I hate that I don't have control over my family, but I have resolved to trust. Trust God; trust the process.

To avoid being a nuisance, I don't contact my case workers unless I have to and when I do...I wait patiently for their answers.

I know how slammed the system is with true emergencies all the time. And I know where my hopes for a family fall on the list of priorities. 

It doesn't help my longing heart, but it is strengthening my hold on Jesus.

So, that's it. I have no idea why Little Boy is available for adoption or why our assessment was bypassed without further discussion.

I feel like a pig-tailed girl, jumping and shouting, pick me! pick me! I should be praying God's best, but tonight, I'm the schoolgirl asking God if I can bring this one home...

We'll see.

"Why didn't God make me in your belly?"

A sobering question from a two and a half year old. The conversation, tonight, at bedtime went like this.

Ty:  "Mom, when will Jesus bring me a baby sister [insert heart tug]?"
Me: "Oh, honey, I don't know...why don't you pray about it and ask God, right now?"

"Mom, I don't know how to pray. You do it!"

"Ty, all you have to do is talk from your heart. Start by telling God all the things you're thankful for in life. Then we can bring him our petitions."

"Okay. Dear Jesus... [I encouraged him to go on and list the things he was thankful for]...thank you for making Cheeze-Its. AAAA-men."

I laughed out loud.

The conversation progressed.

"Mom, where does Jesus live?"

"He lives at the right hand of God in heaven. A lot of people say he also lives in your heart....but that's actually the Holy Spirit."

"Where is heaven?"

"Way high up in the skies, baby. That's where both God and Jesus live."

"Jesus loves me!"

"Yes, he does. Do you know that God loves you, too? Do you know that he created you in Rebekah's belly? He put you together in there and then Whooo [I blew in his face] he breathed your life into being."

Ty laughed.

"Mom...why didn't God make me in your belly?"


 
Long Pause.




I am still shocked that Ty would ask such a question. For the first time since being a mama, I didn't have a quick answer.

His provoking question had my mind spinning. My simple response was, "Because than Miss Rebekah wouldn't be such a special part of our lives."

He moved on and started talking about our latest trip to Seaworld, in true two year old fashion.

I did not move on.

I knew that we would start facing more challenging questions as Ty grew, but I thought we were years from those days.

I guess the part I struggle with is the complexity of the story that Ty won't understand for quite some time. How do I explain to my son that God did not make him for us...but Rebekah...but given her circumstances, she made a choice. She called on God and he to lead her to us.

It's important to me that Ty realizes that God didn't make Rebekah pregnant so that we could have a family, but it's also important to me that he understand her unparalleled love for him.

What always seemed like an easy explanation, didn't seem so easy when answering Ty, tonight. I left his room asking God for wisdom. Lord, how do we explain to Ty that he wasn't made for us, but Rebekah?

The answer came clear as day.

You don't. Tyrus was made for me.

The words of the Holy Spirit stilled my heart and filled me with warmth.

What a beautiful revelation.

More than a good answer to a hard question, was reassurance that God will guide us as we go.

If Ty was made for him, so was I....

...and so were you.

Stretching

God has really been stretching me this month in more ways than one.

In the beginning of the year, I made several small goals to keep me focused in 2012, but I have been concentrating my efforts most on living and walking in the Spirit. I made some radical changes to my evening routine to free up time to read, pray, and listen to the voice of God.

One of my prayers has been, "Lord, use me...in your way...your capacity."

The dichotomy, here, is that a couple days ago I found myself crying, Lord why do you have to use me? He quickly reminded me of my earlier prayer and soothed my discomfort in the situation he was asking me to navigate. Has that ever happened to you before?

I think about exercise. Running and mountain biking are the fun part. Scratch that. There is nothing fun about running. I'll stick with what I know and enjoy! Racing down a winding trail in the woods is the thrilling part of riding. It's the part I enjoy. The stretching beforehand is what becomes tedious, seemingly needless, and uncomfortable if you're like me and can't touch your own toes.

That's how I view my relationship with God. I am so quick to want the fun tasks, but when it comes time to stretch, I've run out of patience.

I don't want to be that way, anymore. No matter what lessons God takes me through, I want to be a quick-study, learning all that is necessary to equip me for the task at hand.

Part of my stretching this month involves trusting God for our family. I am such a control-monster that this becomes a daily hand-over during my prayer time. (sidenote: it really bothers me when people tell me that no one has control over family-planning...).

Thankfully, my morning dose of God-juice is working because I seem to be pleasant and peaceful to those around me and haven't contacted our agency once with questions or concerns during our wait. We are still waiting on our license, so I have no news to report on the two siblings. They may or may not still be looking for families, I haven't asked (ignorance is bliss).

In the meantime, we've been contacted by two friends of friends of friends that know expectant mothers thinking about adoption. We've had many of these conversations in the past and we always end up encouraging/ministering to the families involved, providing them with open, honest information about adoption. We've never adopted a baby from one of these families (obviously), but we're okay with that. God has given us a platform to represent Truth and, rightfully so, there's no room on stage for agendas.

The waiting can be discouraging sometimes, but Tyrus is a live-in picture of God's faithfulness. I hold on to him and the picture when doubt tries to wiggle its way in. God knows my heart and has called us to his purpose. That's enough for me!

Contacted

We were contacted, today, about a possible placement.

Ben and I don't see eye to eye...

Thankfully, we've navigated difficult adoption conversations before and are able to mediate our own arguments discussions by listening to what the other person has to say and not discrediting the value their input adds. The problem with me is that I am extremely passionate and quick to my feet when it comes time for decisions. I lead with my heart and run full force into the things I'm passionate about. The problem with Ben? He needs more passion [smile].

I love and respect my husband more than anyone else. He is logical and loving and firm. He never makes decisions without careful thought and calculation (avoid car shopping with him at all costs). His voice of reason is an important part of my decision making.

After tonight's conversation, we both feel right. Instead of getting frustrated or ruffled, I told him how much I appreciated his insight (I do) and that we'll trust God for the answer.

I left the room and started praying a mile a minute. Lord. If these children are part of your plan for our lives, open Ben's heart and impart wisdom...

I don't ever want to convince Ben to adopt. This is a partnership and of all the decisions we'll make together, these are important ones. We have to be united.

It's a win-win for me. If I'm right, then, God does all the work. He will do the convincing...not me. If I'm wrong, our kids are still out there.

As it turns out, because parental rights have not been terminated on these kids and because we have yet to be licensed to foster, we're not able to see their profiles. Our licensing worker is pushing our case through so that it can be completed, quickly.

Hopefully, we'll get to read through the profiles, in the next couple of weeks. But, frankly, I have no idea what "quickly" means. For now, we only have a few pieces of information to go on. The weightiest comment for me was from our licensing worker (whom I adore), "My supervisor and I think they are an ideal placement and a good fit for your family."

Man...there's so much trusting in this process! While we are blindly spoon-fed details, I'm thankful for that drunken peace from my last post. I'm going to need it! 

Unlocking Peace

Forget buying the overpriced holy water, I've discovered the secret to peace.

Digging into the Word of God.

That should be a no-brainer, but I always seem to let other things get in the way of communing with God - laundry, bills, work, tv, exercising. My time (for just me) is limited to a couple hours each night and because I'm usually so exhausted, my laziness pushes me to the tv and laptop.

We're only 11 days into the new year and I ashamedly admit, I've read my bible more in the last two weeks than in the last two years. I made it a priority this year. And you know what?

I am FULL of hope.

I feel my insides oozing out. I have more kindness for my husband, more patience for my baby boy, more energy for my employer, and more song in my heart for my Savior. It's amazing how that works...

My faith meter is off the charts and I am so drunk with peace I could sell it.

I write all this to say, if you're struggling right now in your faith, ditch your tv routine and spend your time filling your heart with his words. Watch what God will do.

We celebrated victory, tonight, after our last home visit by the foster licensing worker. Our adoption home study is complete and our license should be approved by the end of the month. Both our licensing worker and adoption worker have been such advocates for our family. Tonight the licensing worker said, "We brought in a sibling group, this week, that would be perfect for your family. Unfortunately, it won't work out because of the timing of your license..." she went on to tell us about the children. Even though these sweet kiddos won't be coming home to our family, I was so encouraged to hear her say that she thought of us! Later in the conversation she made reference to our adoption worker and noted that she "checks the registry every week, looking for a placement for you guys."

All the while, I've been, tapping my foot over here, waiting to hear something, ANYTHING, but forcing myself to be patient and trust the process (refusing to bug either worker with pesky emails/calls). The idleness was driving me batty, so I launched into full networking mode (I plan to do a series of blogs on this, soon). I chalked the agency's silence up to busy case workers with overwhelming loads.

So...to hear our licensing worker, tonight, mention twice that her and our adoption worker our thinking of us was such an encouragement to my heart. The Holy Spirit used her earthly words to whisper, "See...I'm moving. Keep trusting..."

That's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep reading; keep trusting; and keep praying for our kids!

Spinach Omelets & Super Faith

I had a rough day, today. No real reason in particular.

Maybe it was the back to work blues or the pregnancy announcements over break or the frustration of waiting for news that doesn't seem to exist or the cheese-less, egg whites and spinach omelet I had for breakfast. Who knows?

But I felt the blahs.

I tried commiserating with friends, but they were still drinking in the new year cheer and only offered words of hope that put more grump in my hump (I'm not even sure what that means).

Of course, my dampened mood was lightened when Ty came running to the door and greeted my face with kisses and said, "Mom, I pay you to kiss me!" [He got a new cash register for Christmas and loves to give away all the money so that we can purchase items as customers]. Where kissed are involved - I'm all in!

After spending a night "shopping" through Ty's toys, I was reminded of my prayer to live beyond ordinary. Living an ordinary life is easy. It's popular and everyday. Most people are doing it.

I want my life to be extraordinary...exceptional...spectacular!

It's too bad the "extra" requires time and patience and character. It beckons me to commune with God and to view the world through supernatural, God-fearing lenses. The payout, of course, is worthwhile, but the growing pains can be uncomfortable.

I wish I wasn't such a child when it comes to waiting and trusting...

There are so many areas of my life that I'm trusting God for, right now. So much so, that I whittled my new year's goals down to two.

1. Move more and eat less (hence the afore mentioned spinach omelet)
2. Live beyond my natural ability (inspired by John Bevere)

Psalm 139:16 says, "Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."

We won't be judged by what we did. We'll be judged on what we were called to do.                                             ~  JOHN BEVERE

In order to do all the things I know God has called me to do, I have to stop living in my own ability and start walking in the full power of God.

I am stirred and encouraged even as I type. This is going to be a good year. I am going to run after the Father with everything in me. I'm going to read my Bible more than I watch TV, pray more than I worry, give more than I get, and love beyond what's deserved.

With so many things outside my control, it feels really good to throw my energy into something that I can control...me.

I'm looking forward to the change along the way. I know God's not finished with me, yet.