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We heard from our case worker yesterday that little boy's case worker has three families to choose from. Emotionally, we have removed ourselves from the running. The other families both have connection to him, one family fostered him earlier this year and the other adopted two of his siblings.
I was not able to talk/write about it, yesterday, because I wasn't quite done holding him in my heart. I'm not devastated or emotional, but I am sad. From little boy's view, he's a big winner and I'm thankful that his transition will be smoother given the history with both families.
Last night I was folding laundry, while Ben and I sat on our bed and talked. I said, "You know I'm going to do this every time, right?"
Ben answered with, "What? Tell everyone we know and reorganize our lives as if that child is coming home tomorrow? Yes, honey, I know. It's what I love most about you. You only know how to be extraordinary."
I love my husband.
I love that the two of can be so vastly different, yet so appreciative of the other.
I admit. In my head I had started raising twins. I was dressing them alike, while searching for coordinating quilt patterns for their bunk beds and planning a welcome home party. I took little boy into my heart the moment I heard his name...and I don't regret doing it.
I had a massive number of people in my sphere of influence praying for little boy and the right family for him. I believe that those prayers are and will be answered. Sure, I have to go back and tell everyone that we are still a family of three...but, I'm an all-out-there, heart wide-open kind of girl. I want people beside me, especially in these moments.
I told my co-workers, today, that my heart remains hopeful and true to my present family. I will continue to dream and pray, of course, but I am compelled to soak in every second of being mommy to one.
When I told Ty last night that little boy was probably going to live with another family, his response was, "I want a baby sister!"
I had to laugh. Ty is certain that God will bring him a baby sister. Maybe he will...
Friday, December 9, 2011
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I'm so sorry, sweet friend. I'll pray for your tender heart and the child(ren) I know God has planned for you. I go through the same emotions/planning/hopefulness that you do and I don't regret it either. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteha ha.. I love that little boy! He knows what he wants, and more than likely the Lord is speaking thru him.. wouldnt it be so awesome if we could look into the future for out answers......ah..... but I guess then we wouldnt need the Holy Spirit..... I love how open and raw you are Rebekah. Thank you for sharing your heart and soul with us and trusting us with them.... You thre are good people and I am happy to call you extended family. You should also know that even my dad considers you that... I was looking thru all his picture files and he has all his family members and their families grouped together in different folders. Well guess who I found in one of those folders.........yup....... you guys. Ha ha!! I guess he pulled pics off of fb from beckys pictures. Just know that you are loved all the way in Phx Az!!!
ReplyDeleteOh, Rebekah. I'm so sorry. I totally understand feeling sad. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh....Rebekah this is how adopting through foster care works. Yes it will happen many many times. I have friends who were told no on over 50 placements before getting theirs. Try not to get involved with each one. Yes it is wonderful to be prepared...but not a good idea to get sold on the idea on the first call.
ReplyDeleteI love your heart and that you are "out there" with what is going on. I'm "out there" with stuff too. Like you, I'd rather have the support of those around me in the joys and the losses. Praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteYou have a big heart and love for little boy. Knowing he was fostered by one family and then the other family has his siblings, you are only thinking of the best interest of little boy. You're amazing!
ReplyDeleteAnd Ty probably knows something... a baby sister?! How cute is Ty!
Praying that the child that is meant to become your family finds his home.
Glenda
Before I got to the part when you mentioned Ty in this post I was gonna remind you that he has been praying for a sister.....I'm sure God has been hearing those prayers
ReplyDeleteLeah w.
Awwww, so sorry. And yet I know that the right family will be chosen for this little boy, and the right child(ren) will find their way to you, as it is meant to be. I love Ben's comment - you two are amazingly adorable:).
ReplyDeleteSweet mama,
ReplyDeletebefore got little bella, there were two other 'private' meetings where we could potentially adopt there baby, and each time, even before meeting them, i already loved 'our child'. the days before the meeting and on our way there, i would have imagined every possible scene of being a mama of 2.... arriving there and meeting the birthparents i would put forth my most honest self, trusting that they will love us and then it would be so easy to ask US to adopt their baby... and everytime we drove away, i prayed that God will show us the way, will get the best possible family to suite that specific baby, hoping in my heat it would be us... and then it wasn't. eventhough we 'prepared' us for it, it was still sad and in a way 'devastating' for me because why doesn't God want to give us more kids? why doesn't He realise how ready we are for more children etc ... (sure, you know all the 'wonders')... and then we we heard that they did not choose us, I told my husband i did not feel a connection to them... (if i really have to be honest with myself).
and now Rebekah, 3 months ago, we became parents to a little 3 months old baby girl, Bella... i loved her even before i knew her... she was the baby God was preparing for our family... (Www.mangasaurus.blogspot.com).
Her birthmom gave her the name Bella and we are giving her my mom's name 'Elizabeth'... when i searched what the spiritual meaning of Elizabeth is, it said 'God's promise'.
He knows. and i know you know He knows. my husband told me not to 'hope' for too much and everything was still uncertain...and i just told him that little boy/girl deserves more than my 100%. I'm going to love him/her with all that i have and more, and if this was not meant to be, that baby could feel what true love is...
so loving him through paper, not even knowing that you exist is the most honest and truthful love you can give him...
you know, God is the connection between you and your next child.... i know you can already feel that love for your next child in your heart....hold on to His promises, Linni xx
Absolutely relating to where you are right now. I am determined next time to not share too much too soon because it hurt (my pride, yikes)to have to retell the "nevermind" to everyone, but I also envy your strong heart that is so humble and open with all and will continue to be. Love your family story and will continue to follow along! Yours steps encourage mine. :)
ReplyDeleteAhhh, Rebecka. I haven't been around in awhile and I've missed this story. I'm sorry. Of course, it isn't over yet, but I know how you feel. We recently had a match fall apart and this time of year makes it really hard. I mean, the magic that is Christmas makes me WISH for all that could have come true. We were supposed to adopt twin girls in October and after they were born, after the birth mother was calling them our names and after the birth father signed off, she changed her mind. Ugh. I've been torn in so many pieces for the last couple of months. In my heart, I had daughters to introduce to Christmas. My house is rearranged, pink clothes were bought (not in abundance, thankfully) and names were lovingly chosen with the birth mother's opinion in mind. Prayer shawls were knitted.
ReplyDeleteAnd it all fell apart. Again.
We recently celebrated our 3rd anniversary with our agency. So long to wait. So many broken pieces to my heart. So here I stand with you, hoping, waiting, praying, crying, wishing.
Much love to you.
"not done holding him in your heart."
ReplyDeleteWhat a perfect description of that emotion. I'm so sorry your going through that disappointment and know that we'll be praying for you guys this holiday season. Hopefully next Christmas we'll each have our newest additions sitting with us around that tree.