Sunday, February 22, 2009

Day 298

Questions we've been asked that make us step back and say, "Seriously?"

"We're still believing that you'll have your own baby, someday. Crazier things have happened!"
I used to let this one go, but now I respond with, "That would definitely be a miracle, but it's a miracle I'm not praying for. We love that our family is being built through adoption and hope God continues to use us that way." And P.S. we are having our own's just coming through Rebekah.

" you think she'll change her mind?"
I can't tell you how many people have asked me this question. It's an instant conversation end-er if I've ever heard one!

"I don't understand why she wouldn't just keep the baby, if she already has kids of her own..."
And I don't understand why you would be saying this to me, right now! You do realize that the only way Ben and I will ever become parents is for someone to give us their baby, right? That, of course, is what I wanted to say...instead I politely turned the conversation around and told them just how awesome Rebekah is and that we support the decision that she feels God has directed her to make.

"She already has kids? Doesn't she believe in birth control?"
This one took some serious restraint as I almost punched this woman straight in the nose. I immediately asked her if she remembered the story of Mary Magdalene when Jesus said, "Let he without sin cast the first stone," and continued to tell her that this is the first child Rebekah has had outside of wedlock and that she's one of the better moms I've seen. She stammered over her words, got flush in the face, and tried to tell me that she didn't mean to insinuate that Rebekah wasn't a good mother. I walked away with, "I know what you meant," and didn't let her finish.

Now this last one actually came from Rebekah's doctor and was asked of her...
(Doctor sees adoption on her chart - asks about a match - she tells him about us)

"My wife and I are actually looking to adopt. Do you think we could be next in line if something falls through?"
What?!? Doesn't this breech some sort of doctor code? "Next in line?" This isn't a couch on Craigslist, buddy...That's my son, you're talking about!

All the other questions are fun. I love answering questions about Rebekah and the baby... if we'll get to name the little guy, etc. It's the off-the-wall ones that send me to the ring. I love this woman so much and would defend her to the death. Why do people feel they have the right to be so insensitive? Everyone always says, "Oh, they mean well." But do they?

Just this week I have had two people ask if they could pray for me. I'm not one to turn down prayer, but I'm seriously considering it next time someone asks. Both persons immediately touched my belly and started praying for God to open my womb....SERIOUSLY? "Um...Lord, pardon the eye roll, but could you please send out a memo?" Ben happened to be around for the second request...revert back a couple weeks and remember his valiant knight-in-shining-armor efforts...he stopped the person before they started praying. His response, "Actually, we're going to decline that prayer, thank you. We appreciate your thoughtfulness, but we're really excited about the path God has for us and would like to continue it. Those kind of prayers don't help."

I know, I know, some of you non-adopting/infertility people might think that may have been uncalled for. It's only prayer, after all, right? Maybe for you, but for us, it's a constant reminder of how many people don't respect our decision to adopt....and how many don't see adoption as the miracle we've been waiting for. After two years of this nonsense, we're calling it like it is. This girl is closed for "open womb" prayers. Been there, done that. If God chooses to do so, great, but I've moved on with my life. Why can't everyone else?


  1. you are joking right? the doctor one...seriously...tell me you are joking!

  2. I think it is amazing. Both your plan and the things that people choose to spew out of their mouths. You are amazing for not punching these people in the noses. Your family is such an, your husband, your birthmom and your son.

  3. No way! Thos questions are invasive and insensitive! Don't people think? Or at least engage their brains before opening their mouths....!
    I thank God I have not had any of those questions as you are obviously much nicer than me and I would have given them a piece of my mind! And to think I got tired of the "you know you'll fall pregnant now that you have adopted" question!

  4. OMGoodness PEOPLE! Actually we had a pediatrician tell us of "someone who might be interested" when we were "done with" ours. I also get a lot of are they "yours yours" I don't even know what that means. I'll have to check it out theologically but I believe kicking stupid people is on the list of things you can be forgiven for. Just kidding, kinda.

  5. I've think I've heard people mention all of those insensitive questions before but yes, the doctor one... oh my... is she still going to continue there?

  6. They mean well...

    I hope so, because I get these kinds of questions all the time and I haven't even been matched yet!

    Just keep telling them how happy you are with how God is working in your life.

    I'll pray that you only punch people when they really deserve it! :D

  7. She is not joking. Im telling ya, it did happen. I was laughing my butt off at this post. I mean, we know people think these things, but then they actually say it to. Sheesh!! Oh, and I especially like the little baby lately in the babyastrology counter on your side bar, he is sure spinning up a storm lately. LOL


  8. It is totally inappropriate, at this point, for people to be praying for God to "open your womb". Jeez. How is it so hard to imagine that someone could be HAPPY with adoption, that you don't see it as "settling" at all? That deserves a great big UGH and I LOVE the way that Ben handled it. Very eloquent.

  9. Good for you! The doctor's comment was just unbelievable. I wish that some people would just keep these thoughts to themselves. Maybe they do "mean well" but to me it feels like they're diminishing what adoption means to families like ours.

  10. Hi Rebeka,

    I'm here because Kat470 had told me about your blog. My husband and I are in a Domestic Adoption program, too. Kat thought that I should read your blog because of how your son's birthmom found you through your blog.

    Last night I started reading your blog from beginning to end. As I was reading the part where you first mentioned your agency, I realized that we are both with AAI! We, too, have our profiles online. (My husband's name is Steve.) Our profile went active in December.

    I just thought it was such a coincidence. We've probably been at some of the same waiting family meetings and haven't even known it!

    I'm really happy for you and your husband. I'm looking forward to continuing to read your blog about your journey!


  11. Rebekah~
    I have been reading your blog long before you had your baby shower and have never commented, but this one sent me over the edge! I feel for you, girl! And no, I'm not really sure people DO mean well. I think they feel it is their duty to pass their own agenda on unsuspecting victims and it is not always in your best interest, but in theirs. I had a similar comment made after we adopted our first about praying for God to give me my own baby and I said "please don't! I have my own baby and hope to have many more!"

    The thing is, people do not understand the journey it took you guys to come to this place and to imply this is "second best" is an insult.

    My husband wrote about this subject in Adoptive Families magazine. Here is the link to paste in your browser if you want to read it:

    Scroll down to "Did you try to have your own kids?" It is a good one!

    Your husband was RIGHT on to defend you against awkward and insulting prayers. Good for him!!

  12. ahhhh, the stupidity of some people never fails to amaze me!!

  13. I've thought about this a lot and I think people fall into 3 camps: either they are really rude and thoughtless/stupid or they really love you and are in denial because they haven't started to grieve the death of their dream for you to be pregnant (my mom was like that and it took me a bit to realize she needed to grieve, too), or they really don't *believe* in infertility and have a hard time accepting it. I think many people fall into that third category...I realized while we went through our adoption that most people we knew honestly thought we'd just get pregnant at some point and that the whole "adoption thing" was just a silly diversion that would fade away when we conceived. Some of them seemed personally affronted that I didn't fulfill their previous predictions that we were just getting worked up about it and needed to relax ;^) Some of them still think I'll get pregnant any day now. I think if they haven't been close to someone with IF before then they think about it like it's ADD or's overdiagnosed and a little bit BS. Anyhow, what the doctor said was completely unethical but I wonder if he was just desperate, if his wife had just failed her fifth IVF cycle or something. After all, if he's a doctor, he probably feels a little desperate if his medical knowledge hasn't been able to "fix" his wife's IF, if that's the situation. I feel sorry for him that he'd stoop so low.

  14. the only one that made my jaw drop was the doctor...oh my.

    i know what you mean about getting sick of the comments about you still getting pregnant. i can pour my heart out to people about what God has done and how excited i am about the path he has put me on and they still act like it isn't as good as being pregnant myself. it is really hard to make people just boils down to they don't get it. I have to be ok with that.

  15. Yes, I've got a lot of the same! Some people are just ignorant and don't know any better....finally I am able to just let it go....and walk away....Otherwise I would smack them too. God bless!

  16. Ahhhh, yes yes yes, I have heard all of these (except the doctor one, OMW!). I also was asked if the bmom was doing it for money. Hang in there - these questions are tiring!

  17. Wow...the insensitivity/ignorance of people never ceases to amaze me. You are a strong women to be sure, for being able to hold your tongue. And as for that doctor...I can't believe he actually said that. Seems like someone else who was waiting to adopt would understand what a momentous decision Rebekah has made and support her in that, rather than thinking about his own needs/desires. WOW!

    As for the prayers of an open womb, I am with you 100% on that one. I get so irritated with the whole "real baby" mentality. Your son is VERY real and he will be your baby so what in the world? Really it's just an insult after all you guys have been through and I'm very glad Ben spoke up. I think people (usually) do mean well, even if they're ignorant...but some things are just too much!


  18. All the questions (with exception of the doctor one) have been asked plus many more. Unfortunately, once your son comes home you have a whole new rude/ignorant/unbelievable set of questions people ask. I seriously was asked probably 5 times early on if we felt like we were baby sitting. We're asked tons of questions about Declan's birthparents and, when we mention that we have an open adoption and see them regularly, people are shocked and usually ask if I feel threatened by his bmom. Um, NO, I am Mommy. Yeesh. So, I'm trying to learn to let most of the comments/questions roll off my back. I try to focus on being a positive example of open adoption. More than anything, I've learned it's best for us to guard many details from friends and family about our relationship with the birth parents. Even my mom has made insensitive comments (not meaning to). Hang in there. I really hope people treat you as an expecting mom. My closest friends and family struggled to celebrate our match fearing they'd change their minds. It still one of the hardest things I deal with for some reason.

  19. people never cease to amaze me...what the heck are they thinking sometimes....honestly a doctor????

    Thank goodness you are a understanding soul....:)

    m :)

  20. Ha Ha! That is hilarious! We (humans) say some pretty stupid things sometimes! Out of the mouth of babes, Nuthin! Out of the mouths of non thinking adults is more like it!!! You crack me up with your responses to there statements! You are one funny girl!


  21. Believe me the questions have just begun!!! I have been through similar circumstances with our two children when we were adopting. You all are amazing and I LOVE your responses:) Our adoptions were domestic adoptions in our home state, our children are Korean/Cauc. and some people don't see it and say that they look just like us and then others will ask where did you get them (like you can go to the grocery and pick out a kiddo or something?!) My favorite response and usually ends the conversation right their is: they are from God!
    Anyhoo just wanted to share and let you know I am out here in blog world thinking about you and praying for you all, Rebekah and your son! God Bless and sending ((hugs)) your way!

  22. Oh wow. I really admire your restraint. I would have totally thrown some punches for some of those questions. God is so evident in what is happening, I can't imagine why anyone would be so presumptuous as to assume He's made some kind of mistake and that if they ask for an 'open womb' it will happen. Sheesh.
    My prayer for you and your husband and Rebekah - A gorgeous, healthy pregnancy, a continuing of the beautiful relationship you are all creating and a perfect baby. That baby is so blessed already, he's got so much love.

  23. Teehee...i'm giggling...cause do I know the questions!!!!! When I could not' handle the 'when are you starting with children' question I started with 'do I ask you out about your sex life?'

    The shock! the embarressmentt... the sad part... i started to enjoy it! to my shame xx


    Seriously..? The doctor one was uncalled for, as were all of the others, but his oversteps a moral code or code of ethic, whatever you want to call it.

    And I cannot believe people pray for you to have a baby through your own womb--- it's not their business. I'm sure they are meaning well, but that's overstepping a very personal boundry.

    Sorry you're facing so many challenges. Keep your chin up!!!

  25. I believe God is just preparing you now for all the insensitive questions that will continue to come your way - especially after your son arrives. We have had all sorts of duzies!(is that a word?) One lady at church after looking at my bi-racial daughter asked me "what is she?" - my response "a baby" But she still didn't get it and continued w/ her barrage of inappropriate questions until my husband rescued her from my almost assault :)
    But, most of the time my husband and I have decided at least for now to take the approach of educating others instead of being offended. Most people are speaking out of TOTAL IGNORANCE!!! And they only need some proper information - on the other hand there are times I am so offended that I almost can't help my immediated defensive reaction. It is definately a situation by situation choice that will continue to evolve as my children get older.
    Hang in there - it will get easier to deal with people... especially those that won't accept that you are okay with your barreness - sometimes you just have to roll your eyes and go on! KUDOS to Ben for stepping in and stopping the prayer - I know it sounds strange to those who haven't been there, but I completely understand your feeling on this one!

  26. Wow. . . Amazing post, and as one infertile woman to another, I don't think it's bad at all that you reject a certain prayer.

    Unfortunately, too many people see adoption as a last resort. God leads all of our lives in very unexpected ways, and the best thing to do is accept it, which you and your husband have done.

    So happy you two will soon be parents to a beautiful baby boy.

  27. I have gotten several comments like that and always set people straight. I don't think there's anything wrong with educating people a little on how adoption truly works. I also get tired of people saying I'll get pregnant now that we've adopted. I don't need to get pregnant anymore, we have our family and it's perfect!
    I'm shocked at the doctor too!

  28. Get ready because the questions will just get more insensitive once baby boy is here. Our daughter is nearly 4 years old, and we still get dumb questions from family and friends. I have tried my best to educate those around me, but some are hopeless. It never ceases to amaze me what people ask adoptive families, but would never ask parents that have kids the old-fashion way. Our questions and comments get much more complicated since I have given birth to a baby since adopting our oldest and am now expecting our third. We see God's hand in every step of building our family and know that all of this is HIS plan. I get soooo tired of people telling me that we have a bio daughter now because adopting our oldest one "relaxed" me. Please!!! They fail to see the awesomeness of our family story and it's SO annoying!

    BTW, I totally get how you feel about adopting vs. pregnancy. I was the same way. Of course, I was still curious about pregnancy but was totally fine with building our family thru adoption. So much so, that when we discovered that I was pregnant, I was a little taken aback like, "Noooo, I don't want this. Pregnancy looks miserable!" Of course, I am so thankful that God blessed with our Olivia, but it was hard in the beginning.

  29. Okay, I am so annoyed by reading the questions/comments in this post that people actually have said to you. Where is the abounding JOY that should come with hearing a new baby is on the way... and on the way to YOU?!?

    I have to tell you, stupid comments aren't limited to adoptions. I have been blessed to have three babies so far, and one on the way in May. When announcing to family/friends my news in the past... I was met with some of these:

    "What about the first trimester thing? Don't you believe in waiting til the danger of miscarriage is over to announce a pregnancy?"

    "Was this baby planned?"

    "You know how this happens, right?"

    And when I announced I was expecting my third... I got the most awful response from one acquaintance:

    "Why would you have more than two? Are you hoping for a boy or something? I think it's selfish to have so many kids. I don't understand why you would do that."

    Just to let you know, hon... you aren't alone. Asking an expectant adoptive mother is she thinks the birth mother will change her mind is JUST as ridiculously stupid as asking a first-trimester pregnant mom if she's worried she will miscarry. Neither of us have gone through either heartbreaking scenario before, so why would they bring it up?

    Celebrating with you, for this beautiful boy God has brought into your lives!!! Bless you and your family.

  30. oh Rebekah :) Yes....someone said in one of these comments that we are just being prepared for what is to come. Seems you are figuring it out early! :) I still am just so floored by some of the things people say that I think I stand there with my mouth open but nothing coming out! :)There is not an ounce of me that doesn't feel like Milo is "my own" (the comment that has been most popular!) ~ I truly cannot imagine not having HIM in my life as my son. Hopefully I will learn to handle these comments (and more to come) as gracefully as you! :)

  31. I've heard them ALL...except the doctor one. How awful and inappropriate!

    I love your answers. This is NOT a second a choice for us! I'm the same way, stopped praying for pregnancy a long time ago and started praying for a FAMILY. I kind of don't even want to be pregnant...ever, you know?

    But I leave all that up to God because OBVIOUSLY he knows better than I do!

  32. I can not believe the doctor did that. People say the craziest things. I know before Prince Charming and I found out that we would not be able to have children except through adoption, we heard all sorts of crazy stuff. I wish people would just say if I can do anything please let me know instead of assuming we want them to "fix" something.

  33. Wow, oh wow. The stupidity of some people continues to amaze me!!! Unfortunately, you will probably hear many more wacky comments before your baby comes home to you.

    And in my opinion...Rebekah's Dr. crossed the line! How unprofessional!!! And I'm sure it made her feel uncomfortable also. Geesh.

  34. you and ben are going to be amazing parents to your son
    i am so thrilled for you!

  35. the comments can be unreal - and after baby is here they can actually get worse but then it is in front of your baby - oh I know>>>

  36. I can't even think of words to say to such inane comments and questions. I don't know how you remain gracious in those situations. Some people can be so unbelievable.

  37. the majority of people you're going to come across are completely ignorant about open adoption. it's just not something a lot of people experience or are exposed to. and when people are ignorant, they say ignorant things.

    i completely admire your responses and attitude! it will get harder for us as our kids get older, but we need to remember to educate those who don't understand. we owe that to our beautiful children.

    i actually had someone come to my house (i think they heard about me thru my in-law's church) and want to pray for my womb! WTF?

  38. AMEN! YOU TELL 'EM!...oops was that my ouside voice talking?? hehe..

  39. Oh Rebekah, sweetie- I empathize with you! I "feel" your pain over these totally inapropriate and insensitive comments! I'm so sorry that so many people want to "rain on your parade." I wish that I could give some of these people a piece of my mind! HOWEVER- like I've said before- alot of people just don't understand. Alot of people just assume that every woman who wants to become a mom wants to experience pregnancy and that every couple wants to have at least one biological child. Alot of people truely just "don't get it."
    In fact, if you can believe it, I have felt sorry that my own adoptive mother and the adoptive mom of one of my best friends never had the chance to experience
    pregnancy and birth. This is because I'd love to experience these things myself, even though I do not for a second doubt my ability to love an adopted child of my own. I feel great love for other people's children despite having no biological or legal relationship to these kids. I do believe that adoption is a miricle and I'm so glad that you and Ben have chosen to take "the road less traveled by"!!! I know these comments are hurtful. I'm so glad that you shared this hurt with us as opposed to holding the hurt inside.
    You have alot of readers who empathize with you, even ones like me who have not been down the whole IF/adoption route!

    HUGS for you and Ben.

  40. One more thought- yes- I like everyone else am incredulous that a doctor would make such a comment.
    However, I serously doubt the doctor really ment to hurt you and Ben. It seems likely that the doctor and his wife are going through the same pain of IF that you and Ben have and I'll bet that he and his wife are just desparate for a baby. If he loves his wife, he probably feels just as helpless as Ben does and desperatly wants to take away her pain. Yes, his question WAS insensitive, but try to put yourself in his shoes. Yes-
    do feel that he and his wife should pursue adoption through other means, but please don't be too hard on this hurting man. If none of the above aplies- if he and his wife are not infertile and already have kids, SHAME ON HIM!!
    It also occurs to me that it is highly unlikely that he has followed this blog and has no idea what an emotional roller coster you and Ben have been on. If he has, then he must be, as Jennifer Aniston once said about Brad "lacking a sensitivity chip."
    People can be so down right insensitive sometimes it amazes me! I am praying that everything works out just perfectly for you, Ben, and Baby Pinch. HUGS, sweetie. Tracy

  41. I'd seriously consider changing doctors after a comment like that. Wow!

    Those questions you get are exactly why/how I've learned what not to share about our daughter's first mom. It's none of their business so I just don't share it.

    I do love getting the sincere questions though. They make me smile.

  42. Hey Rebekah- I got a Google ID because some of the blogs I follow won't let me post comments with just my name. I haven't been able to get this post off my mind.
    I think that it is just plain hurtful for people to as if you think Rebeakah will change her mind. To me it's pretty much the same as asking a pregnant woman "do you think you'll miscarry" or "do you think you're baby will be stillborn." Obviously, these things could happen, but there not things that can be changed by dwelling on them and there's really no point in doing so for either birth or adoptive parents.

  43. WOW, unbelievable. our oldest four are adopted... we have heard quite a few unbelievable comments as well.

    i skipped around your blog today, and i am so excited for you and your husband. i will be praying for you guys and the birth of your son! praise God!

    beautiful story!