I've had exactly two weeks, today, to process this amazingly exhilarating news and I can tell you that I'm still a whirlwind of emotions. I can't work. I can't sleep. I can't eat. My mind is just reeling with excitement! How am I supposed to function when I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY. Me. The girl who thought this was never going to happen. Always the birth friend never the birth mother. Countless pregnancy tests, hours of weeping, months of drugs, adoption highs, adoption lows, unforgiving hearts, anger toward heaven....all for this sweet, precious life. A life that will be entrusted in my care, call me mommy, and run to me when pain needs to be kissed away. This is too wonderful for words.
Our situation is unique, in the fact, that Rebekah and I have had numerous contact with each other and little contact with the agency, so far. The woman read every one of my blog posts. There's not much left untold....we certainly didn't need a caseworker mediating our interaction. We've been talking every day, several times a day for two weeks now and are still waiting to meet with the agency. It's funny to me that we're going to meet with our case worker on Friday and that there's nothing she's going to tell me (about Rebekah) that I don't already know. I love that. It feels right. And natural. I finally heard from the case worker yesterday on when we could meet and her advice to me was to be "cautiously optimistic" until the papers are signed (after the birth).
Nope. Sorry. Can't do it. Take the "cautiously" part out and maybe we'd have a deal. [smile]. I KNOW the risk. I've seen the devastation and heard the heartbreaking stories. I know what can happen. What does happen. But you know what? That baby. Rebekah's baby. Our baby....deserves all my stored up love, for as long as I'm given the opportunity to give it. How much fullness would be taken away from my life if I succumbed myself to cautious optimism? Where's the passion in living life cautiously? I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. I don't know how to do something half-way. I don't want to do things half way. The Bible tells us to be excellent at what is good. I've taken it on as my life mantra. I try to apply excellence to every area of my life and I'm not going to change my ways now!
I love this woman. I love her family. I love this baby. I have to trust God with all of their lives. Our sweet little Babyheart was in her mama's womb during some of the lowest points in my life. I have to believe that we were only shown once in 5 months because it took that much time for Rebekah to find me. Wouldn't proceeding with caution scream complete lack of confidence in God's will for my life? Haven't I done that enough? I know some of you will disagree. Call me naive, but this girl is throwing all caution to the wind! My heart is exploding with love for this baby and I'm going to love him/her like I've never loved before.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009