A Bumpless Belly Pregnancy
As you can imagine I am still living on a complete adrenaline high. I am overwhelmed on so many levels: God's love for me, the perfection of his plan, the beauty of this baby boy, the beauty of his mother, and not least of all the love and support from all of you. I had a surreal moment tonight when we came home from a celebratory dinner with friends (their treat!), I finished returning my countless text messages and voicemails, and read all 49 blog comments on the baby boy news. Most people have to die and listen to their eulogy/see attenders before they realize just how many people care. The overwhelming number of comments and calls and emails have humbled me. How could I have felt so alone for so long....when all of you were right here the whole time? Your support and genuine excitement has revived my soul. This God-sized miracle is not ours to hold onto...it's too big. We are thrilled to share it with all of you, our faithful friends! Ben and I decided, today, that a massive party is in order, mid-August, so that everyone who is able can meet our sweet miracle!
There are literally a thousand things running through my head, 10 of which are posts that I want to write, but tonight I'm going to highlight the strange contentment I feel toward my belly-free pregnancy. It's taken me by surprise and I want to be sure to document my feelings.
Rebekah and I have connected on so many levels, but the one that stands out most to me has to do with how we relate to others walking in our same shoes. I have probably read through a couple hundred adoption blogs over the last several months and many times what I read leaves me confused and questioning. I have never felt this draw toward pregnancy. Naturally, I want a baby more than anything and the simplicity of the pregnancy process has been a major point of contention in my life. But, my momma heart has always been centered on baby...not belly. And hear me, dear adoption friends, there is nothing wrong with wanting to carry a child, I've just never had this burning desire to do so. I don't understand the pain adoptive mothers feel at not being able to experience a baby in the womb, because I've never had it.
Likewise, when it comes to identifying with birth mothers, Rebekah is at a loss. She doesn't understand the bitter, angry words that, years later, come from the mouths of birth mothers. She doesn't relate to the overwhelming regret and guilt that she finds entangled in their adoption stories.
I share these two threads to show this amazing bond that God has woven between our two lives. We may not fully relate to others, but together our stories fit. I know I keep saything this, but something just feels right. My bumpless belly feels pregnant. I may not birth our sweet baby boy, but their is an everlasting love that sinks to the deepest part of my being that is birthing love for my son and his mother. I am astounded by what my heart feels for this woman. It's only been three weeks, but I love her. Already, she has become an extension of me...an extension I don't think I'll ever be able to live without.
I may have skipped over the morning sickness [real bummer], but Rebekah and I are walking this pregnancy together, hand in hand. Last weekend, Meeghan and I went shopping for maternity clothes. Meeghan looked for herself, I shopped for Rebekah. A few nights ago I looked up the development at 20 weeks and told Ben that Babyheart now has fully developed ears to hear Rebekah's heartbeat and voice...and that he is officially peeing! I was so excited to read about his growth, I immediately emailed Rebekah and sent her kisses for her belly. She quickly responded that little Babyheart is moving all the time and closed with these sweet words: "When I start feeling tired and achy, I think of you and Ben and then its all worth it."
I've seen the pictures, heard the heartbeat, felt the love. No belly is needed for this mama. It's strange and unexpected, but feels wonderful. Baby boy may not physically be growing inside of me, but his heart certainly is.