It's amazing what the promise of a baby will do for an infertile heart. I am so alive, I feel like I'm seeing the world in color for the first time. I'm sure I have felt this way before....I simply can't remember when.
I wrote something a couple of years ago about the lies I started to believe in regards to my barrenness. I was re-reading my journal entry and overwhelmed with the pain behind the words.
There's something wrong with you....You’re living in sin...You have done something wrong to deserve this...You’re not ready...You’re not worthy...Maybe you’re not doing it right; It really shouldn’t be this hard…You haven’t given enough...You’re not enough...You’re not even a real woman…
I will never forget that pain.
I think the reality of being a mom is starting to sink in and I'm in awe of the process as it unfolds before me. I had an amazing night last night. I came home, made the world's greatest meatloaf [really], thought about making banana bread, did the dishes, organized baby boy's closet, and played a game with Ben. You're probably thinking, "that sounds pretty lame to me..." but for me it screams life. For months, I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted that all I could was be sad. I still made dinner (sometimes) and cleaned the house (halfway), but I never enjoyed it. Everything was a chore.
I love the Message version of Psalm 13, "Take a good look at me!" I am celebrating his rescue and singing at the top of my lungs. I feel alive. It's incredible. I am head over heels in love with my baby and my Ben and my Savior. I actually whistled while chopping veggies last night...whistled! Who knew life could be so good?
The part that makes me laugh the most is my ability to trust again. There are complex details surrounding this adoption that still haven't been worked out and I feel as though I haven't a care in the world. Over and over again I hear myself telling people, "I'm just trusting God with it." Me. The girl who three weeks ago wasn't even sure God was listening. Now I'm trusting. Believe me, in the natural this thing has hypocrisy written all over it, but in the spirit GOD HAS REVIVED MY SOUL. There are no other words to describe it.
There's a song in my heart again and I just can't stop singing...