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It's amazing what the promise of a baby will do for an infertile heart. I am so alive, I feel like I'm seeing the world in color for the first time. I'm sure I have felt this way before....I simply can't remember when.
I wrote something a couple of years ago about the lies I started to believe in regards to my barrenness. I was re-reading my journal entry and overwhelmed with the pain behind the words.
There's something wrong with you....You’re living in sin...You have done something wrong to deserve this...You’re not ready...You’re not worthy...Maybe you’re not doing it right; It really shouldn’t be this hard…You haven’t given enough...You’re not enough...You’re not even a real woman…
I will never forget that pain.
I think the reality of being a mom is starting to sink in and I'm in awe of the process as it unfolds before me. I had an amazing night last night. I came home, made the world's greatest meatloaf [really], thought about making banana bread, did the dishes, organized baby boy's closet, and played a game with Ben. You're probably thinking, "that sounds pretty lame to me..." but for me it screams life. For months, I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted that all I could was be sad. I still made dinner (sometimes) and cleaned the house (halfway), but I never enjoyed it. Everything was a chore.
I love the Message version of Psalm 13, "Take a good look at me!" I am celebrating his rescue and singing at the top of my lungs. I feel alive. It's incredible. I am head over heels in love with my baby and my Ben and my Savior. I actually whistled while chopping veggies last night...whistled! Who knew life could be so good?
The part that makes me laugh the most is my ability to trust again. There are complex details surrounding this adoption that still haven't been worked out and I feel as though I haven't a care in the world. Over and over again I hear myself telling people, "I'm just trusting God with it." Me. The girl who three weeks ago wasn't even sure God was listening. Now I'm trusting. Believe me, in the natural this thing has hypocrisy written all over it, but in the spirit GOD HAS REVIVED MY SOUL. There are no other words to describe it.
There's a song in my heart again and I just can't stop singing...
Thursday, February 19, 2009
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Commenting again as a new reader.....you are so blessed with this new baby, I cannot wait to "meet" him
ReplyDeleteThat is wonderful to hear!
ReplyDeleteRegardless of which way this goes....you know that those things you wrote in your journal are all lies.........put in your head by our enemy! He is the master deceiver and lier and he wants you to believe that God has abandoned you and left your heart aching for a child.
Nothing is farther from the truth! I'm glad this has brought a renewal of your trust......hang on to that through it all! And tell the enemy to "get thee behind me!"
that is so awesome. i absolutely HATE the lies that surround us when something negative it going on in our lives. people, even ourselves, don't look at us and think "wow, look what God is going to do." instead they/we think that we must have done something wrong. i can relate to that in so many ways. i love the truth though, and i know God is going to do something amazing for both of us, in-spite of obstacles!
ReplyDeleteHow far you have come!!! And I don't think your evening was lame AT ALL! Sounds like anything a MOTHER would do, which is exactly what you are now. ;-)
ReplyDeleteit is amazing to read your story and share in this journey....you deserve all the best...
ReplyDeletem:)
Your journal snippet made me tear up. I remember saying those exact same things to myself and it always amazes me when I know that others have felt that way, because it was so RAW and ALONE for me at the time. Isolation and bitterness are from the devil's hand indeed.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great, I am so glad you are feeling so happy and trusting this process.
(and ps-I nominated you for an award at my blog, should you choose to accept)
*hugs*
On a totally "off the subject" way...can you share your REALLY YUMMY MEATLOAF recipe with us????
ReplyDeleteMy kitchen could use a little inspiration too! (smile)
I check your blog every day now for new entries!! I can't wait to see some pictures of the nursery and little baby items you've bought!
I love to hear the joy in your words, Rebekah! It honestly just warms my soul and fills me with hope. When I think about the simple fact that someday I WILL be in your shoes, it puts a little bounce in my step. I can't imagine how bouncy your steps are!! I can't imagine a person who deserves this happiness more.
ReplyDeleteI hate that you felt so low at any point to write those words. I don't think anyone, especially not you, should ever have to feel that way. I do believe, however, that feeling that pain will forever change you in such a spectacular way.
I feel the same way, especially after hearing from you through email or your blog. It just makes me happy. We both have so much to look forward to.
ReplyDeleteR
Love hearing the joy in your words. So glad we can share in the joy together. Can;t wait to meet our baby boys.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel/felt. I too felt like I wasn't a woman. The easiest thing in the world for women to do and I couldn't do it. What was wrong with me? I also felt like my life was just beginning when I finally was chosen. Now the colors are exploding....just a suggestion and I wish we had one two months ago when Samuel was born....GET A COMFORTABLE LAZY BOY RECLINER....THEY ARE WORTH IT! Just a thought! Glad life is great! Huggssss!!!
ReplyDeleteDear Sweeeeeeet Rebekah's....heart after heart. In awe, loving that those feelings are a distant memory, not forgotten but healed.
ReplyDeleteThank you for hope.
Your words...and your happiness make me smile. I can just picture you standing at the counter, chopping veggies and whistling...that is awesome! :)
ReplyDeleteMelba
I'm so happy for you. You sound so joyful.
ReplyDeleteI am still beating myself up (some days) about my IF and not feeling validated as a woman...sadly, I still echo your journal thoughts.
I only hope that someday I can be in your shoes and experience true joy once again!
I truly identify with your words - you seem to have such an uncanny gift...you always hit the nail RIGHT on the head. Great post. Warms my heart. You deserve every incredibly second of this joy you are feeling!
ReplyDeleteYou go, girl! [grin]
ReplyDeleteYou are right!!! WE WILL BOTH BE LIVING LARGE IN JUNE!!! I can't wait to meet him and see lots of pictures of your baby boy. Have you guys decided on any names yet??
ReplyDeleteYou go and keep singing and living out loud!!! =)
Yay! I'm singing right along with you ~ even though my heartsong may be different, I'm sure they sound beautiful together! :) I'm so happy for you (have been there with you in those dark days too) ~ but just so happy and excited for where you are today. :)
ReplyDeleteLove,
Jamie
Trust the process.
ReplyDeleteTrust God.
With you every emotion of the way xx
Thank you! It's funny to me how excited I get for everytime I read your blog. Its so exciting reading (getting caught up) your blog. I'm exciting to see how God continues to bless you and your husband.
ReplyDeleteThat is really an amazing post Rebekah. I am so excited for your revival! I hope that you never really belived there was something wrong with you...I know that dark though surfaces in my mind sometimes, and I HAVE to define them as Lies like your friend Becky said.
ReplyDeleteIt is so wonderful to hear your story, I can't wait to see your little boy! :D
Kelley
I'm so glad you are able to trust Him...that is something I've been learning and it is so very, very freeing. Love you friend.
ReplyDelete