Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Day 287

Cautious Optimism...

I've had exactly two weeks, today, to process this amazingly exhilarating news and I can tell you that I'm still a whirlwind of emotions. I can't work. I can't sleep. I can't eat. My mind is just reeling with excitement! How am I supposed to function when I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY. Me. The girl who thought this was never going to happen. Always the birth friend never the birth mother. Countless pregnancy tests, hours of weeping, months of drugs, adoption highs, adoption lows, unforgiving hearts, anger toward heaven....all for this sweet, precious life. A life that will be entrusted in my care, call me mommy, and run to me when pain needs to be kissed away. This is too wonderful for words.

Our situation is unique, in the fact, that Rebekah and I have had numerous contact with each other and little contact with the agency, so far. The woman read every one of my blog posts. There's not much left untold....we certainly didn't need a caseworker mediating our interaction. We've been talking every day, several times a day for two weeks now and are still waiting to meet with the agency. It's funny to me that we're going to meet with our case worker on Friday and that there's nothing she's going to tell me (about Rebekah) that I don't already know. I love that. It feels right. And natural. I finally heard from the case worker yesterday on when we could meet and her advice to me was to be "cautiously optimistic" until the papers are signed (after the birth).

Nope. Sorry. Can't do it. Take the "cautiously" part out and maybe we'd have a deal. [smile]. I KNOW the risk. I've seen the devastation and heard the heartbreaking stories. I know what can happen. What does happen. But you know what? That baby. Rebekah's baby. Our baby....deserves all my stored up love, for as long as I'm given the opportunity to give it. How much fullness would be taken away from my life if I succumbed myself to cautious optimism? Where's the passion in living life cautiously? I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. I don't know how to do something half-way. I don't want to do things half way. The Bible tells us to be excellent at what is good. I've taken it on as my life mantra. I try to apply excellence to every area of my life and I'm not going to change my ways now!

I love this woman. I love her family. I love this baby. I have to trust God with all of their lives. Our sweet little Babyheart was in her mama's womb during some of the lowest points in my life. I have to believe that we were only shown once in 5 months because it took that much time for Rebekah to find me. Wouldn't proceeding with caution scream complete lack of confidence in God's will for my life? Haven't I done that enough? I know some of you will disagree. Call me naive, but this girl is throwing all caution to the wind! My heart is exploding with love for this baby and I'm going to love him/her like I've never loved before.

By the way....the him/her part will be revealed TOMORROW! I'm jumping from my skin with excitement!

36 comments:

  1. I am a new reader to your blog. I love your optimism....I cannot wait to watch this all unfold with you

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  2. I love this post, your joy overruns MY heart. God is so faithful and I feel like his plan is so wonderfully being revealed in every inch of this process for you. I am amazed at how humbled I am just from reading about your story online. You are such an inspiration and so strong, you've made it to a place were you deserve nothing but hope and joy for the baby that God has created specifically to be your child.
    I cannot believe you find out the gender tomorrow!!
    *hugs*

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  3. Oh how exciting. I have goosebumps reading that post! I just want to celebrate for you!

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  4. Can't wait to hear the news tomorrow!!! Love you!!!

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  5. I am with you! I couldn't hold it back either! It was all just too perfect, too ordained and too much to not be over the moon! YAY!!!

    I am so excited for you!

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  6. awesome news! congratulations! you will remember this time for the rest of your life and your child will LOVE hearing it!

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  7. I love your excitement. Believe me, even when I say I am cautious with both of our matches...I give full glory to God, and revel in the beauty of these two babies.

    Your match will be long, like our match with A...it will be great to see your relationship continue to build.

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  8. Again, I am so excited for you and Ben! I can't wait to check back tomorrow...that is if you decided to share the news!!

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  9. These people are so sweet to you. I am excited to. I am secretly hoping for a boy for you...but we will see what God has planned.

    Hugs,
    R

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  10. God Bless you, Rebekah! I love to see your excitment come through on these pages. I agree with you on just being optimistic. Mentally, you know it isn't a for sure thing, but I belive you HAVE to invest yourself emotionally in this.

    Relating to IF, on our first treatment I was so optimistic about being pregnant. Obviously I wasn't and was devastated. The second time I decided to be more cautious. Again I wasn't pregnant but was equally as devastated. I don't think steering away from a positive attitude helped me at all.

    I, like you, feel that this is going to happen for you. When it does, if you spent all your time being cautious you would have missed out on just being happy and excited. Good for you, Rebekah! I am so proud of you and happy for you!! It gives me goosebumps for you, and hope for me!

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  11. I remember my hubby and I talking about when we got "the call" and how we would keep it quiet for a while until we had a better handle on the situation, didn't want to get people too excited...

    And then it happened and I called everyone in my cell, posted on FB, blog, etc. There was no way I could let it go. It felt right from the get-go, and I knew God was faithful and would not give me more than I could handle. If it didn't work out, I would need those same excited friends and family to hold me up while I was falling.

    Throw your heart into it. You won't regret it! You don't have control over any aspect, only God does, so why try to control your emotions?! Prepare! Get ready!

    And I am SO glad you and Rebekah are talking so much. I long for that kind of relationship with Colt's birthmother, and I know in time we'll get there. It's a love and a relationship unlike any other. Two huge, sacraficing hearts pouring love and devotion into one little soul...she's the only other person in the world who will know a mother's love for this little boy/girl. How special! Hugs to both Rebekah's!

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  12. I am so very happy for you!!!!!

    I found your blog through Mel and I'm so happy I did. Your excitement and anguish brings me right back to when I too was suffering from infertility.

    Congratulations and thank you so much for allowing us to follow your journey into motherhood!

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  13. I was cautiously optimistic when I got pregnant, and was still devastated when we lost that baby a month later. Being cautious did not in any way dull the pain. It actually made it far worse. I blamed myself for not embracing that little growing life, for not trusting God. I forgave myself after some time and healing, but I learned my lesson. You have to feel pregnant now to embrace that baby. Yes, some common sense is always good, of course. But you have a great attitude about this. If you love that baby and his/her expectant mom now, then you'll be ready no matter what happens. You'll still be devastated if you don't get to be this baby's parent, but the love you give that baby now will be worth it regardless.

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  14. You are so RIGHT! Don't expect any less than God's best for your life.

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  15. I literally could cry for you. What a beautiful post! I couldn't be more thrilled for you and Ben. You will be the most amazing parents. Blessings and lots of love to you, your potential birth mom and to the sweet baby!

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  16. I mean, a boy makes total sense, what with Meeg and Laura both carrying boys...but Nya will only be a year older, and her clothes are just ridiculously adorable!

    Either way, I can't wait to hear. I better not find out on the blog...I know you don't like to talk on the phone, so a text will do!

    Love you!
    Ter

    P.S. The whole time I was reading your post I was thinking, "Rebekah NEVER does ANYTHING halfway!" I'm glad you said it!

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  17. I love hearing how joyous and excited you are. You deserve it! And God Bless the birthmom, it truly sounds like a match made in Heaven. God knows what he is doing!

    OMG, I can't wait to find out boy or girl!!!

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  18. I am with you, that baby deserves as much love as you can give starting right now. I am all for that.

    I have no idea what sex the baby will be but I am SO excited to hear when you post :)

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  19. One of my favorite sayings, "Go big or stay home." You are my kind of girl!

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  20. I am still so totally overjoyed for you...I am in shock too, on your behalf, so I can't even imagine how you are feeling! I have been praying and hoping for this news right along with you...I am so happy I could cry!

    I can't wait to hear about the sex of the baby, and more about your meeting.

    Hugs,

    Melba

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  21. YEA FOR TOMORROW! WHAT an exciting day...I'll pray Baby P will have open legs during the ultrasound :)!

    I thought of you in my Bible Study today (Beth Moore's "Esther"...amazing, btw), when we were looking at the verse where Esther says "If I perish, I perish." Beth was saying in the video that in our lives we have blanks that are "If_____, then____". She said no matter what, the second blank is "God will take care of me." I thought of you and how we've talked so many times about not living in the "what if". You have every reason to celebrate and dance and should do so whole-heartedly!

    Can't wait to hear tomorrow! Call ASAP! Love you...

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  22. I'll be checking every hour tomorrow to hear what it is! This is all so very exciting!

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  23. You are smart! J and I thought we were cautiously optimistic until we saw our daughter in real life and then all of that caution dissolved even though it wasn't "official" yet, so you might as well just throw caution to the wind at the beginning! :)

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  24. Love this post and I for one agree 100% with you! We were matched with Heather when she was only 5 weeks pregnant (yep, we had to wait almost 9 months for our baby to join us) and we spoke, met, had dinner, hung out with her family, went to ultrasounds, etc.. all the while SO many people told me to "be cautious"...I could not! I was not going to let FEAR suck anymore enjoyment out of me becoming a MOMMY! I had gone through TOO much to let "cautious" stand in the way of me fully enjoying ever aspect of my baby's pregnancy and birth. I was there through it all...8 months of pregnancy and the birth. I am so happy I let myself fall in love when everbody else told to me to hold back! Enjoy your baby...enjoy the experience, soak up every minute, you deserve it!

    Sorry for babbling!

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  25. I have a feeling we aren't going to get any work done at work tomorrow!! This is so much fun! :)

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  26. I blogged about this whole topic awhile back. There really is no such thing as cautiously optimistic! Being cautious won't make it hurt any less if she decides to parent this child, nor make you love this baby less if they end up being yours. It's just a whirlwind of emotions!

    Bottom line (to me anyway) God has called you to love on this woman and her child. Perhaps forever - perhaps for a short time. It would be a disservice to Him and to them if you didn't. ;)

    Praying for strength and wisdom for you/Ben and especially for the expectant mom. Be blessed!

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  27. be optimistic, be crazy with excitment...you will never get to "redo" this moment...enjoy it to the fullest, for what it is....God's plan will be carried through......

    m :)

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  28. Be optimistic but make sure your agency checks her out in great detail. Double due diligence on this one. Unfortunately there is a reason adoption workers are a bit cynical. But it is your job to be joyous so let your agency be cautious.

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  29. BE EXCITED! I AM SO THERE WITH YOU! I LOVED MY LITTLE ONE THE MINUTE WE WERE CHOSEN! I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR...BOY?GIRL? LOVE HIM/HER ALL YOU WANT! JUMP FOR JOY! SCREAM AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS! YOUR A MOM! YOUR A MOM!

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  30. Amen to your reason for singing! Congratulations!!!

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  31. Oh my goodness! I haven't checked in on you in a while and was completely surprised and excited about your wonderful news! I'm sending lots of good thoughts your way. What a great story you will have to tell your little one.

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  32. Gosh, i am so excited for you and your husband!! I don't even know you but I feel like I do. My daughter, Jen Holt, introduced me to your blog and I was instantly hooked. Thank you so much for sharing this journey with all of us. Enjoy everyday and don't hold back on the excitement. My prayers have and will continue to be with you through this amazing journey you are taking.

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  33. Stalking...LOL!!! I'm thinking PINK!!!

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  34. Your excitement is wonderful. I'm so glad that you can throw all caution and enjoy every moment. Sounds like after all these years you are due that excitement. Enjoy every minute of it.

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  35. I loved this entry! -K

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  36. This is such good post. I love your passion. You're right. This is worth all of the risk involved.
    I know that you'll make an amazing mommy!!! I think of you often.
    I work in the nursery at MOPS (Mothers Of PreSchoolers) on the first and third Tues. of the month. Last Tues. there were two adopted children- from different families- in the room I was working in. They are both the first children their parents adopted. I have watched them grow since they wer tiny. I thought of you that day and prayed that you would soon know the blessing of having your own child and now there is a baby that you can call your own!! I'm just so moved. I can feel your happiness! By the way, I thought of you a few weeks ago when I was taking care of a little boy who happens to be adopted and was crying for his mommy after being hurt. As I loved away his tears, I thought of you and prayed that you would soon be a mommy, and now you will be!
    Isn't God good?

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