Thursday, December 25, 2008

Day 241

I am so thankful for all of you, today! My email box was loaded with encouragement from my bloggy friends and I cannot thank you enough! I was so down in the dumps yesterday, I issued a personal more baby thoughts! I simply could not go on in my current state of mind so something had to change! The new strategy is to pretend that nothing extraordinary is going on in my move on, continue living, and re-focus my attention and energy into some crucially neglected areas of my life (number one being Ben). I know that ignoring adoption and pretending that we are not waiting for a baby may not scream mental health, but sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to survive! And you know what? So far it's working. I had an awesome day today...and it's Christmas (aka the hardest day of the year for those that are barren)! I don't care if my strategy only last two days or two got me through today, and for that I'm thankful.

There are two things that really made this Christmas special. First, I was more than a little touched at how many people bought us a gift for the baby. I loved the actual gifts, but this was truly a case where it was the thought that counted most. To know that people are thinking, praying, and loving our baby, right here with us, is too tremendous to handle. Here are a few pictures of the said thoughtfulness:

This cute little bear came from Ben's grandparents. They asked us to keep it under the tree for our little babyheart!

This one is from my sister, Rachael. It's just about the cutest cow I ever did see!

A precious Christmas story from Chris, Meeg, Melia & Eva.

This one nearly made me cry. It's from Ben's dad. He is not exactly Mr. hugs and tears, affection and emotion, but every year he goes out and does his own Christmas shopping (separate from all of the lists and shopping that Ben's mom does). He even does all the wrapping himself - usually with brown bags and newspaper [smile]. I was touched before I even opened the gift. to see that he was thinking of our baby in the midst of his shopping truly reveals the thoughtfulness of his heart. The gift for Baby Pinch ("Pinch" was Ben's nickname in high school) was a darling, baby-sized fishing cap from Bass Pro Shop. The whole family loves to fish [minus me] and I know they'll be teaching baby the ropes, soon enough!

My second highlight of the day came from talking with one of our family members who recently revealed to me that she was a birthmom to a beautiful little girl that was placed for adoption. We were able to have a lengthy conversation about her experience and it gave me such a clear picture of her heart. We may have walked (in our case still walking...) different sides of the path, but both of our hearts cry for a baby...Mine for one I've never know, hers for one she did. I walked away from the conversation with a newfound love and respect for her and birthmoms in general. God truly works in mysterious ways, and I know he's not quite finished with our story....

I have many more things to share on the adoption front - I wrote a pointed email to our caseworker and received a response and contacted a new agency and received a response...however, this email is not sounding like it came from a girl pretending that she is not pursuing adoption!'ll have to wait [smile]. I'm headed to Pennsylvania tomorrow for some R&R with family and I can't wait. It'll be the perfect way to end a chaotic and emotional year.

(Let me know if you live in the Harrisburg area....I would love to meet you!)


  1. I thought of you so many times thru Christmas, I can only imagine how hard it is. Keep your faith, some wonderful child will come when you least expect it, a child hand picked from God just for you and Ben! Keep believing!!

  2. I'm pleased to see that your spirits are up. This is a really tough time, but I found that keeping busy really helps. I can't stop thinking about it entirely, but I can occupy myself elsewhere most of the time.

  3. I'm glad you had an awesome Christmas, sometimes mental health is over rated anyway right? sometimes, heart health is more important :)

  4. Sounds like you had a good Christmas! Those gifts are adorable, and I love "Baby Pinch" cute!

  5. I have nothing but prayers and hugs for you. I hope your holidays were marvelous and a much welcome reprieve from all that's been going on in your life.

  6. I read every update, just takes me a couple of weeks to swing by. ;) I want to tell you that I admire your honesty in this process, the ups and downs. I was so sad to hear that your profile has been shown once in 4 months, I know you have a wonderful one, and think that if more people could get to know you on paper... this story could be much different!!! I hope you find the right plan of action, the next step on this journey.

  7. Hugs and prayers dear friend!

    And your FIL brought tears to my sweet is he???!!!