Saturday, December 13, 2008

Day 229

I know it's been forever! My life is seriously swamped right now. Seriously. My job is at the pinnacle of stress as I'm in charge of our commencement each semester (no small task) and this one has been unusually challenging and strangely cursed (I'm convinced), I have a 30 page Marketing research paper due next week - my last paper for my last class before I graduate!!! - I'm freaking out about taking my GMAT for Grad school (in the new year), Ben decided he wants to be a lawyer and is going to law school (we'll talk more about THAT later), there's only twelve more days before Christmas, and....oh yah, we're trying to adopt a baby! My heart has thankfully stopped racing out of control, but my time for anything enjoyable has been limiting, to say the least.

All that to say, I just wanted to check in and give you adoption updates....

I went to my first "waiting families" class, through our agency. They host them once a month, but I've never felt a strong urge to go before. This month's topic was "Birthmoms" and there were some specific questions I wanted to get some answers to, so I drug one of my best friends with me and we had a night out! I'm really glad I went. My caseworker was there and if felt good to re-connect, if only to yell, "Hello! I'm still waiting for my baby...don't forget!" I had been fluctuating about signing up with another agency (only because I found one that waived all application/start up fees for an AA adoption) and our case worker was able to give me some really sound advice. We've decided not to do anything right now (I'll tell you more about that decision in a different post). I walked away from the meeting feeling encouraged and discouraged at the same time. Discouraged because wait times are unusually long, even for AA adoptions. The culture of adoption has changed and more families are willing to be more open, which is wonderful for humanity - horrible for me. We were originally banking on the fact that the average AA adoption wait was about 6 it's more like 12. The risk involved is insurmountable and I can't imagine having to wait 9 more months...and still not being guaranteed a child. The encouraging part was that economic hardship has punched holes in the waiting list and fewer families are signing up. My caseworker who was inundated with homestudys in the beginning of the year, now has hardly any. Obviously, the less waiting families, the faster we'll get placed. So, at least there's one upside to a sinking economy!

There was a birthmom telling her story at our meeting. To hear her pain was hard. It had been 8 years and she said she still wakes up and thinks about her daughter everyday. She also said that she's been in therapy the last few years trying to help her deal with the ache. Her words were really hard to take in and for the first time I realized how much I'll have in common with the birthmom that chooses us. She was talking about how difficult it is for her to be around women who are pregnant, going to baby showers,etc, and that she avoids them like the plague (don't we all!) On one hand it made me feel lousy, that my dreams will be the cause of her pain...but on the other hand it made me feel connected in a way that's hard to explain. For both of our sakes, I have to trust God that he is orchestrating a plan.

December has been a really good month for me in terms of coping. In part, I have been so dang busy it's hard to think beyond surviving the day! There have been small highlights along the way that help ease the pain. Several nights this month, before we go to bed, Ben and I have been flipping through Baby Name Books and the Bible looking for some stellar names. It has been a special way to connect with Ben and I look forward to it each night!

I had one other find, this month, that has had an unusual part in bringing healing to the pain. I was grocery shopping a few weeks ago at Meijer and walked by an end rack of jewelry. I never shop at Meijer for anything other than groceries and miscellaneous "staples." Their home goods, clothing, jewelry, and shoes don't hold my interest (mainly due to price - compared to what I can find elsewhere). Anyway, I walked by the rack and was immediately drawn to this simple silver necklace.

The funny thing is that I don't even wear silver. I'm too classic and like to stick to the golds. However, when I saw these two hearts I had to choke back the tears and fight my way through the store so that I could check out and quickly adorn myself with my new found gem. I love it. I feel like I'm wearing a secret. My little babyheart is out there; I know it. In some small way, I feel like this necklace has melded our hearts together as a constant reminder of the promise to come. Baby has been growing in my heart for a long time....but now I wear a symbol, next to my heart, to remind me that hope is on the way.

The best $12.99 I've ever spent.


  1. I absolutely love how you're wearing that necklace close to your heart. I wore a bracelet every day and vowed not to remove it until I got Baby Mac. Unfortunately, my bracelet's chain broke. I have yet to replace the piece of jewelry with some other reminder of our impending adoption whenever that may be. Your hope had inspired me again! Now I want a necklace! :)

  2. What a sweet necklace, Bek! I've often thought of you when I've seen similar things, but you have such a blazin' sense of style, I was always uncertain what you would like :).

    I am excited for you and excited for Ben about the future! If he wants to talk to Miyuki at any time for an "insider's" view, I'm sure she would be happy to share.

  3. I love the necklace. And what a great price too. It is something you will always treasure and perhaps pass down to one of your children.

  4. I love that necklace...more importantly, the meaning that you have tied to it! Beautiful!!! I just about have tears thinking of you telling your child this story!! It will be a part of his/her story as you tell how much you loved and desire them from the start....before you even knew them! Wonderful!!!
    As hard as it is, try and be of good cheer. Strong faith is the only thing that really makes the waiting bearable!!
    It's just so hard to predict wait times so don't try.....we were 18 to first child.....only 6 to the next.
    God is working it all out and will knit your baby together just for you, when the time is right!
    hugs and blessings!!

  5. oops,
    18 and 6 months, that is!!

  6. L.O.V.E. the necklace! It is almost as beautiful as your heart! Love ya!

  7. Love the necklace and love you! Life has to slow down soon????

  8. That necklaces is precious- it chokes me up just thinking about what it signifies. Thank you so much for your post on my blog today. It helps in indescribable ways to know that someone else understands. No one if my life right now, besides my husband, can understand the bittersweet pain of that moment.

    Thanks for hoping and praying and being an inspiration.

  9. Love the necklace, too - great idea. Glad to *see* you blogging again!

  10. Love the necklace and the meaning. I'm glad you could hear from the Birthmom and understand you'll be emotionally connected with the birthmom of your Babyheart for all time.

  11. I love the necklace too! I wish you luck in getting everything done...I know how hectic this time of your can be school-wise. How exciting that you're graduating though, WOW!


  12. LOVE the necklace. made me get tears to read that.

  13. I saw you wearing that on Sunday, but with all the craziness of graduation I didn't get time to comment on how cute it was! And funny enought, I noticed it becuase you never wear silver! I knew it had to be something special!! LOVE it.

  14. P E R F E C T ! :-)

    Hang in there - our babies are coming. God is taking his time and tending to every detail. We'll soon be blessed and overcome with joy!

    Hugs! Pep

  15. That's a beautiful necklace and I can see how the meaning behind it could bring some peace to an aching heart.
    I'm just thinking about you so much and praying that these holidays are especially gentle with you. You are a strong person...but sometimes it's okay not to be. :)
    You are in my thoughts and prayers ~

  16. Christian Adoption Consultants:

    Adoption: A Path of the Heart:

    American Adoptions:

    Hope you don't mind me checking out your blog! I am an adoptive Mom and keep up with adoption sights just incase I want to do it again I used American Adoptions and crazy as this sound I had a baby within a week and half we were not even done with paper work!
    I follow Christian Adoption Consultants because they post new situations all the time! I also listed a one of the people who work for them blog. I debated on weather to do this or not simply cause I dont no sometimes It feels really creepy when you are looking into someone elses life! So I thought and thought and was reading one of the blogs and they kept saying they were looking for people to be open to AA and biracial situations so here goes! Hope it helps!

  17. Love your necklace!!

    I am having a Birthday Party for Jesus, stop by my blog and share how you are remembering Christ during the hustle and bustle of Christmas. Traditions that you can share.

  18. I stumbled across your blog the other day, I hope you don't mind me commenting. Your story touches my heart very strongly. I was wondering if I could ask you some questions? I couldn't find an email address on your blog, so I hope that sending mine is okay. It is Please contact me when you have a moment.

  19. Love the necklace and the sweet story behind it!! I know from your most recent posts that you've been strugling with heart ache the past few days. I hope your special necklace, close to your heart, brings you comfort at this time. Big hugs, Sweetie! I've never met you, but you have earned a special place in MY heart. Thanks for sharing your story in this precious blog!

  20. I am currently pursuing a domestic adoption as well. A good friend of mine had her baby within a week of turning in paperwork and my profile was shown the week I turned in paperwork. There are a couple of agencies that have their available situations listed on their websites and they are looking for families for babies due in Jan. and Feb. (Both agencies I am referring to have no application or start up fee and I do not work for either agency). Feel free to e-mail me utahvisionteacher at yahoo dot com


  21. I thought about your necklace story recently. We don't have Meijer stores around here, at least to the best of my knowlege, but maybe necklaces like this can be found elsewere. I would like to by two of them. One for myself and one for a close friend. She is like a sister to me and she holds a special place in my heart and I assume I likewise have a

    place in her's. Unfortunatly, after almost 19 years of marrage, and three children, the oldest of whom is 17, Things have gotten so bad for her and the kids that she made the decision to move back to her home town with the kids. I'd love to give her a similar double heart necklace to symbolize the place we hold in each other's hearts. Thanks for the idea.
    Hugs for you, sweetie.