This is just a quick note. The clock is racing, as Little Miss is sleeping...the first five or six hours are solid, but after that she pretty much wakes up every hour.
It's been a challenging week. Everyone but LJ is sick (that kid has an immune system made of iron) and none of us our sleeping well at night due to congestion.
There was a point, tonight, when Ty, Little Miss, and Sweet Boy were crying. I told them all that I understood....I want to cry, too!
I'm not sure how we're surviving...truly...but we are. I keep thinking that one day we'll look back on this time and laugh. That time is not, now.
Despite the exhaustion and piles of tears, I have fallen completely head-over-heels in love with baby girl. I have spent a lot of time sleeping upright with her on my chest, so that we can both breathe better, and it has melded our hearts to one.
When I whisper, "Muma, loves you" in her ear, she responds with heart-melting coos and when she's sitting on my lap, she leans back as far as she can to look at my eyes. I've come to appreciate her fiery spirit and know that we have a lifetime of love ahead.
Ben says it's good that I've fallen in love...because no one else has. It's not true. Ty and LJ are crazy for her (Sweet Boy doesn't acknowledge her existence). It's going to take time for her and Ben. She's great with me and has finally stopped her opinionated screams, but she doesn't want anything to do with Ben. I know it will come in time...
Sweet Boy on the other hand has taken to Ben, very quickly. I love watching the four boys together. So full of life and energy and roughness. The little boys have done, shockingly, well. I am thankful to God that he has given Ty and LJ hearts full of compassion. They have showed little to no animosity in sharing their toys, room, and life with the new guy. I'm amazed.
On the surface we are doing great. We've found our groove and have fallen into a routine. We refer to ourselves as Mom/Dad and Sweet Boy reciprocates the titles. Our dinner conversations are lighthearted and I love watching my family in action.
Below the surface, there are many pools swirling. I feel disconnected from everyone in the family except Little Miss (who knew/remembered that babies were SO much work?!?!) Sweet Boy, desperately, needs family and home re-defined; he is struggling with where he fits. Ben feels overwhelmed all the time and has had very few (if any) moments of joy with our new crew. And we're all struggling with the unnatural process of bonding.
Some days I wake up and think "I had this crazy dream..." but then I remember it's my new reality. It doesn't feel real. It's not fun. Some days I wish it wasn't my life.
But, we've been, here, before. I know it gets better.
I just wish we could skip the challenges. Fast forward to better, healthier, warmer-not-covered-in-snow days.
But where's the beauty in that, right?
Until the bright sunny skies come, we push through. We hold our tired tongues, squeeze out the remaining dribbles of patience, and pray for multiplied sleep.