Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Quick Note

This is just a quick note. The clock is racing, as Little Miss is sleeping...the first five or six hours are solid, but after that she pretty much wakes up every hour.

It's been a challenging week. Everyone but LJ is sick (that kid has an immune system made of iron) and none of us our sleeping well at night due to congestion.

There was a point, tonight, when Ty, Little Miss, and Sweet Boy were crying. I told them all that I understood....I want to cry, too!

I'm not sure how we're surviving...truly...but we are. I keep thinking that one day we'll look back on this time and laugh. That time is not, now.

Despite the exhaustion and piles of tears, I have fallen completely head-over-heels in love with baby girl. I have spent a lot of time sleeping upright with her on my chest, so that we can both breathe better, and it has melded our hearts to one.

When I whisper, "Muma, loves you" in her ear, she responds with heart-melting coos and when she's sitting on my lap, she leans back as far as she can to look at my eyes. I've come to appreciate her fiery spirit and know that we have a lifetime of love ahead.

Ben says it's good that I've fallen in love...because no one else has. It's not true. Ty and LJ are crazy for her (Sweet Boy doesn't acknowledge her existence). It's going to take time for her and Ben. She's great with me and has finally stopped her opinionated screams, but she doesn't want anything to do with Ben. I know it will come in time...

Sweet Boy on the other hand has taken to Ben, very quickly. I love watching the four boys together. So full of life and energy and roughness. The little boys have done, shockingly, well. I am thankful to God that he has given Ty and LJ hearts full of compassion. They have showed little to no animosity in sharing their toys, room, and life with the new guy. I'm amazed.

On the surface we are doing great. We've found our groove and have fallen into a routine. We refer to ourselves as Mom/Dad and Sweet Boy reciprocates the titles. Our dinner conversations are lighthearted and I love watching my family in action.

Below the surface, there are many pools swirling. I feel disconnected from everyone in the family except Little Miss (who knew/remembered that babies were SO much work?!?!) Sweet Boy, desperately, needs family and home re-defined; he is struggling with where he fits. Ben feels overwhelmed all the time and has had very few (if any) moments of joy with our new crew. And we're all struggling with the unnatural process of bonding.

Some days I wake up and think "I had this crazy dream..." but then I remember it's my new reality. It doesn't feel real. It's not fun. Some days I wish it wasn't my life.

But, we've been, here, before. I know it gets better.

I just wish we could skip the challenges. Fast forward to better, healthier, warmer-not-covered-in-snow days.

But where's the beauty in that, right?

Until the bright sunny skies come, we push through. We hold our tired tongues, squeeze out the remaining dribbles of patience, and pray for multiplied sleep.


  1. Oh, how bittersweet is fostering?! Thank you for sharing. I'm a future foster mom and I learn so much from your experience.

  2. I've followed your blog since the beginning of Ty... and as an adoptee you have been such an inspiration to me!
    Your love for God, your family, and the gifts He has given you astounds me! He chose theses new beautiful kiddos specifically for you.... even though it's hard... take heart! Purposefully He chose them for YOU just as much as for them.

  3. sorry it wouldn't let me finish!!! I will be actively praying for you! thank you for sharing tr story God is writing for your family with all of us! it is truly and amazing love story!

  4. Thank you for your honesty. Your family is being used for God's Glory in a big way.


  5. Oh gosh, I can't imagine how exhausted you all are! As you well know, life is in the here and now - and 2 years from now, you will look back wistfully on these days and see how such strong bonds were being formed and even possibly wish for these days back in some ways. The way you described Ben's experience is how my Jason was when we had our 2 babies - it was just SO much work and he is only now (they are 3) having more moments of joy than moments of feeling too overwhelmed (and some days are still balanced in the other direction). This is the part of parenting that doesn't seem speakable - the part that feels like some days, we don't like it just as much as we like it. Anyway, hang in there - in surviving and caring for each other to each of your own personal capacities, you ARE doing it!

  6. Well, I've continued lurking here ever since I first bugged you for adoption input all that time ago (don't know if you remember, but hey, ours has been home a year, now!!) This post made my heart constrict...because I lived that (sometimes I still have those days!). I love your honesty. I just wanted you to know that I'm praying as I read...for gracious grace for today and bright hope for tomorrow. I love reading His story for your family. Thanks for sharing it.

  7. It's definitely the ups and downs that make life beautiful. It's make us all stronger. It's dancing in the storm. I'm so happy that you've fallen in love with little Miss. Praying that you will all soon get into your groove, fall in love over and over again, bond and enjoy the beauties in your family. Thank you for sharing your amazing love story.

  8. Keep on keepin' on and keep up the good work. Thank you for sharing your story. Hubby and I are in the process of being licensed for foster-adoption right now and I am eagerly reading your updates, looking forward to the day when we will finally, finally have children in our home.

  9. Will be praying for your family especially during this season of Lent; your courage in loving the least of these--and how that MUST mean relying on God's love rather than mere human sentiment--is truly an inspiration.

  10. My daughter was angry and opinionated from day 1. Then she decided she liked me. Next it was my husband, but not until she was 5 or 6 months old and she was a bio baby. Ben's experience sounds a lot like Ryan's. My favorite part about things being hard is when you get to stand in awe as God brings you through it.

  11. I feel your pain. When we first brought our two foster children home our story was a lot like yours, only the girl was 2. She only wanted me 24/7, which was hard on my one year old. The 3 year old boy so always wondering when he was leaving. The first week all three got the flu. As spring and summer came things really turned around, and those first few weeks were forgotten! I hope the same for you!!!

  12. LOL! My oldest had eyes only for me. One time I left her with daddy when she was a few days old so I could get out of the house and get groceries. I turned my ringer down on my phone and forgot to turn it up. I had like five voicemails when I finally looked at my phone in the car before leaving the parking lot. The first was like, "Hey honey, are you getting close to being done? The baby isn't very happy..." and they slowly got worse and until the last one where my husband was crying himself. NOTHING he did was good enough for her. She wanted her momma! She was with him for an hour and she was NOT happy about it. We laugh now but she didn't really notice daddy or fall in love with him until after her first birthday. She'll be 9 this summer and is definitely a daddy's girl now!

    I don't have any adopted children but we went through these phases so it is so normal though different in many ways, too, I'm sure. I feel like I'm coming out of "the funk" and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel of having five under age 8 right now. My littlest guy just turned 9 months. He was miserable and cried more than I remember any of my others crying. When a new child comes into your life and they are your world and you hold them 24/7 you kind of start to feel a disconnect from the others. Not less love but just feeling like you haven't seen them in ages or held them or been with them. I can't tell you how many times I've put the baby down and just weepily pleaded, "Baby, I have other littles who need me. Give me FIVE minutes with them, please!" Of course he doesn't understand a word I'm saying. Thankfully he's mobile now so he's happy to play with toys and crawl around so I can pull my 2-year-old or 4-year-old onto my lap or focus on reading a book or coloring with my 6 and 8 year olds for a bit.

    So I was there and I feel like I'm slowly getting it together and adjusting to having a fifth baby come into our family. When people would ask me if I was anxious about labor and delivery I'd shrug. I've been there, done that. I knew what would or could happen (the good, bad and ugly). The pain is temporary. It's the postpartum period and those early months that I partially enjoy and partially dread. That lasts and lasts and has many unknowns. It takes so many adjustments. You are normal. You're not alone and you WILL pull through! One day your newest little guy will feel more secure and he will bloom. One day your new little girl is going to have daddy wrapped around her little finger and delight in having a father. That day IS coming.

  13. Thank you for keeping it real for us. It is such a blessing that the boys are all getting along so well. Will be praying for bonding with everyone to happen in time. A year from now you'll all be sleeping and you won't just be surviving, you'll all be thriving.

  14. Rebekah, If I could hug your neck (and it wouldn't be awkward..lol) I would right this moment. I cannot tell you how much I love the honesty of your blog but especially this post. As an adoptive mama, I've struggled so hard today. Mine are 3 and 4 and I've had them since birth and 7 months. There are days when I have felt so disconnected to my 4 year old and connected to my 3 year old and the guilt has about wrecked me. It has been a hard journey and I love them both dearly but I bonded with each of them differently and having such a hard time forgiving myself for that. There are days when I work my paying full time job and don't feel as present in my most important job as mommy. Just thank you for this post and being real. SO many people I feel sweep the ugly stuff under the rug and put only the happy times on blogs, social media, etc and it sometimes makes me feel like I'm certainly not doing something right. Thank you for inspiring me to know that I'm going to have good days as a mama and bad days and it's ok because with God I know anything is possible!