Thursday, March 6, 2014

"I'm Scared"

I can't get into the specifics of our case, but we're closing in on termination, quickly. I have not met the kids' birth mom, yet, because she hasn't been to visits in weeks. One day, probably when the trial is behind us, I will sit down and write my thoughts. As angry as I get with the system for the atrocities done to our kids, my heart weeps for the brokenness in people. This birth mom never had a shot. She was never given the tools or equipped with the skills to dig out of the hole created generations before her. It breaks my heart. She needs a mom and dad as much as her children...

We will meet on Tuesday.

I'm not nervous to interact with her. I have been filled in on what will likely occur. How she will respond/react/judge my parenting. I'm okay with that. I am a confident woman that knows who I am and what God asks of me. I've never felt threatened by the incredible number of moms in our life. We all have a place.

I am in prayerful consideration on how to prepare Sweet Boy.

The last week has revealed a number of conflicting thoughts in him. The poor guy is so confused and fumbling around to find his place. He's become quite the chameleon, blending and imitating different people, depending on the scenario. Trying to be what he thinks we all want/require/need.

I've, honestly, been so preoccupied with baby girl that I haven't been very purposeful in trying to connect with him. In the last, few days, since hearing about Tuesday's meeting, I've been praying for guidance.

Tonight, everyone was sleeping, and I heard Sweet Boy ask if he could get up to go potty. When he was done, I called him to me.

"How are you doing, buddy?"

"I'm scared."

I brought him into my lap without asking and hugged him tight. "I know, honey. It must be very scary to have to change homes and families. How many times have you had to do that?"

The stuttering started. "Th-th-three times."

"You are so brave. I know that must be hard. Do you know what is SO cool? God brought you into our family so that you could find a friend in LJ. Do you know that he has lived in lots of homes, too?"

He nodded.

"LJ lived in seven homes before he came to us. He has so many mamas...but our Daddy was his very first dad. Do you know that if you're ever feeling lonely or sad, you could talk to LJ? He understands what you're feeling, honey. He knows how hard it is."

"I-I-I like talking to LJ. We like to talk."

"I'm so glad God gave you a buddy to help make this less scary. What do you like to talk to LJ about?"

"We like to talk about our hair. Do you know that it's the same?"

I smiled. "Yes! I did know that." We talked about all the similarities that exist in our family (we had this conversation A LOT when we first brought LJ home).

"I think I should go back to bed. My feet are cold."

"Okay, honey, but one more thing. Do you know that you don't ever ever EVER have to be afraid."

Big eyes.

"You have so many people with your, right now. Ty and LJ are sleeping in your room. Your sister is right across the hall. Daddy is upstairs...and I'm, right here, in the living room. Do you know who else is with you ALL the time. Even when your family isn't?"

He  shook his head.

"God. He is always with us."

"Doesn't he live up there?" as he points up.

"Yes. Him and Jesus live in heaven...but when Jesus went to be with his daddy, he left us a VERY special gift."

"He did?"

"Yup. His name is the Holy Spirit. God gave him to us to help guide us in our days (so that we make good decisions), to comfort us when we're feeling sad, and to make us feel brave, when we might otherwise be scared. He will NEVER leave you, honey. EVER. He is, right here, in this sweet little heart of yours."

I touched his heart and the most beautiful belly laugh came giggling up his tummy.

"The Holy Spirit also makes you laugh, just like that, when he fills your heart with joy."

He hugged my neck tight. My eyes nearly spilled over.

"I am so glad you came to live with us, buddy. You are very special. Just the kind of guy we needed around, here."

More giggles.

"Is there anything else you want to talk about before going back to bed?"

"Yes...I've been thinking about...pigs."

Needless to say, it was a short conversation...

"I love you, buddy."

"I love everybody." That's always his response. I don't think he understands or maybe has never felt true love. My heart waits in expectation to hear him say, "I love you, too, Mom..."

If we're measuring in baby steps, I count tonight's conversation an adult-sized leap. It opened a door that I will, gently, nudge all week, leading up to Tuesday.

There are many things I can't say to him, right now...but I CAN tell him how much I love him, how God created him special, and that no matter what is said to him on Tuesday, I will be waiting on the other side of the door to take him home...home to our family, our house, our love.

I hope that one assurance will be enough, for now....


  1. Rebekah, this is beautiful. You're doing an amazing job.

  2. I think that last paragraph says everything. You will assure him that you'll be there to take him home.

  3. Oh Lord be with Sweet Boy leading up to and after Tuesday's visit. Keep his heart safe from anything that may try to damage it and remind him of the love surrounding him in his forever home.

    I've watched the fear cross through my oldest, who was adopted domestically at birth, when I tell her that I am taking her foster (soon to be forever) sister for a visit. That fear that she'll leave us again like she did last year. I never want to see that fear in my daughters and I know how hard visits can be for the kids. So I'm praying for all of you that this goes well and that your newest son will hold your love close while at the visit.

  4. Thanking God for the wisdom of His Spirit who gives you the words to say in situations like this. Praying for y'all.....

  5. You are amazing! I pray that I can be such a strong, loving, understanding, extraordinary mother like you one day!! You are blessing your children more than you'll ever know. Praise be to God that these children are in your home!

  6. Amazing! You are inspiring!

  7. You are inspiring! Your whole family is! May God's grace fill you up every single day! I appreciate you so much and learn from you regarding our own open adoption. Your open confident heart inspires me and I know our adoption is going well because God used your words to teach us. Thanks for being obedient in writing because it is helping many!

  8. I love reading your blog. Thank you for your committment/effort to share your family's adoption journey with all of us.

    Kathy Lang

  9. Beautiful. Love everywhere. Love everyone. Praying that this transition and visit continue to go smoothe for all of you.

  10. *tears* Praying for your upcoming visit!

  11. Just catching up with you. My heart is with you and your family. This post had me in tears for Sweet Boy and for his mom and all that (i imagine) she has been through. I thought, wow, little miss, because of YOU will have the chance to escape all that developmental trauma that led her mom to the place she's at now. How amazing is that, and from that perspective, how lucky is that little girl?! And at the same time i just felt filled with compassion for the first mom, who I am guessing is prickly and tough on the outside and horribly wounded on the inside. also amazement at your ability to feel anything but anger for her, given the situation with the kids. so there were tears streaming down my face reading, and feeling, along with you... And then i found myself laughing out loud reading about Sweet Boy's desire to discuss pigs following your heartfelt reaction.