Conflicted. That's how I feel.
It's been a very strange two weeks.
We have had a lot of great moments with the kids where I have thought, "We really can do this!" But we're also drawing more and more out of Sweet Boy that ensures a long road ahead.
When I met their mom a couple of weeks ago, I had such genuine compassion in my heart for her. The day after our meeting, I was out with two girlfriends and I cried through the events of the day. I was so tore up with the weight of it all.
Then, of course, last Tuesday was horrendous. The protective mama in me was so angry that she didn't show up for the visit, I think I could have, physically, harmed her had she been within reach.
Then today. Tuesdays are the day I wait in the balance to see what my day will hold.
She didn't show up. Again.
I don't know why I can't believe it...but I can't.
As a mother, I don't understand. Showing up to see your kids is supposed to be the easy part. Her daughter is so little she changes, dramatically, with every week that passes. Does she care...but just not enough? Was she high? drunk? or just indifferent?
Sweet Boy is none the wiser and had a great day...but I couldn't stop stewing.
I'm not sure why I care so much.
It's better for all of us if she doesn't participate. It brings the end closer.
But, I do care.
I'm so bothered by it.
I think it's because I love her.
I want what's best for her.
Next week is probably her last shot. We have one more Tuesday before our pre-trial and suspending visits is on the list for petition (again). If she doesn't show up, next week, I don't think the judge will think twice about approving the request.
And that makes me sad. Really sad.
It's conflicting to feel such warmth for a woman who has/is wreaking havoc on her son - who is really my son - and his emotions. But, the connector in me wants to connect...to help make it right...to help make her whole.
It's too complicated to peel back the layers of what I'm feeling, so, for now, I'm leaving it all alone. Our case worker has been very honest with her about what to expect at termination and has encouraged her to spare the embarrassment and sign over her rights, voluntarily.
My heart has already broken...so I'm trying not to go there, yet.
Mom loses in both scenarios...and that makes the win hard to bear.