Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A Lesson in Love

I thought about it all day. Fine China. Candlelight. Racy red getup. Thoughtful gifts.

Last night was our 8th year wed and the year past meant more than most. Our night, however, was strangely interrupted with a call. A call from an expectant mom. An expectant mom looking toward adoption.

After much conversation, I had a choice. Me or her. My feelings or hers. Picking one to prefer was not natural or easy. I'm being honest.

Folded in the weaves of complication I found myself asking heartfelt questions. Have you truly thought this through? Do you know this will be one of the most difficult things you ever have to live with?

Our conversation ended with me promising further contact and a return call with phone numbers to help point her in the right direction. The crux was defining right. After a night of mind battling, I was able to honestly admit that her right and my right were not the same.

My right meant making me a mother of two - quickly, easily, less expensively. Her right meant choices - options with support and friendship and health. Consequently, her right takes away from mine. And mine hers. I hate that it was even a struggle. It's bothersome that, for a night, I put my needs above hers and was only thinking about me.

When you meet at the threshing floor, God exposes all sorts of kinks in your heart, but the beauty is in the grinding. The smashing of love and correction and grace.

I'm not so arrogant to believe that every available baby for adoption is meant for us. Part of our push to foster care is knowing the number of families lined up behind us to adopt, domestically.

Part of this young woman's right was connecting her with an agency. And for the adoption boo-hoo-ers, I connected her with both crisis pregnancy center and adoption hotlines. To be quite frank, her predicament has handcuffed her options. I'm not sure that parenting her baby is even a choice. Her situation is desperate. She has immediate needs and requires resources.

After taking some steps back it became clear that God has given me much opportunity to be his voice - not mine. I don't know what will come of this young girl and her precious baby, but I know that God has brought them into my life for a purpose. I am so thankful for the platform he's given me to love and his continued efforts of beating the self out of my heart.

A year ago, I would have looked at this woman with ravenous, envious eyes. Hoping/praying/begging for her to give me her treasure. Today, I see a hurting soul that needs a friend. A friend that is neutral, non-intrusive.

Such an Aha! moment to see the shades of change that I've come through. For that, I'm eternally grateful.

This is the mother I want to be for Ty.


  1. it is hard isn't it? doing what is right and not what feels good.

  2. Good one, yet again! :) While I don't know the ins and outs of the situation you mentioned, I'm sure it was challenging for you to make the call you made. I love your description of how far you've come in the past!


    P.S. Happy Anniversary!

  3. See, Rebekah? This is why I ask myself, WWRD?


  4. First of all, happy anniversary!! Eight years- that's fabulous! :)

    With limited information it sounds as though you made a decision against your hearts intense "wants" to be in line with God's even more intense plans.

    Super hard, huh? I'll email you our story sometime where we recently battled those 2 things.

  5. Lots of emotions bubbled up in me when you were talking about a birthmom. I can understand what she is going through. She is blessed to have you to talk to. (hugs)


  6. Happy Anniversary, Rebekah! Sounds like you gave her a lot of help in that conversation. Hope she's able to make the best decision for herself and the baby - it's great that you were able to talk to her.

  7. I've said it before, but are so incredible inspiring. God is obviously working in your life & it is incredible to hear the work He is using you for. Good for you for doing the selfless thing that many others would not choose. Your family is so incredibly blessed to have you & in the blogosphere we are so blessed to "know" you & learn from your experiences. Happy Anniversary:)

  8. love you friend. love who you are, your love for others, and the way the the Lord shines in your life.

  9. Happy Anniversary, hun! We hit 8 years in just a month from now. Hard to believe - 8 years, and no children...

    I have been in that situation a couple of times, being asked to help a pregnant woman in need of options (because I'm a social worker). My head screams, "Tell her you'll take her baby!" but my heart knows this is not the right move. That conflict is always tough. Good for you, for taking the time to breathe, and allowing God's will break through.

  10. I will keep her in my prayers that she will find wonderful adoptive parents, if that is what God wills to happen.

  11. wow that is amazing.
    you handled that situation very selflessly and with lots of God's grace it sounds like. I hope your heart will continue to feel like you did the right thing and know that God's plan is above your own, always.
    happy anniversary to you and ben!

  12. Happy Anniversary!! I can imagine the emotions that went into that call. It sounds like you handled it very well.

  13. Love this! I think that is yet another good thing that comes from both being a mom and being in an open adoption. I am really glad this girl has you for a friend. I can't think of anyone better!


  14. Happy Anniversary! That sounds like ahard choice and it was a fabulous post. Good for you! :)

  15. I have followed your blog for some time and this entry has upset me greatly. People are coming to as if you are an authority figure on adoption, which you are not. You write about being "neutral", which clearly you are not as demonstrated by your thoughts of adopting this woman's child. If people seek out your advice in the future, please pass along resources for trained professionals who are competent to provide the guidance and services to those struggling with a difficult situation and decision.

  16. Happy Anniversary!!

    You are an amazing & selfless lady. I just love to see how you are filled so much with God's grace.

    Though the wait is torture, I try to remember that everything is in His own perfect timing and plan. You have helped me so much believe in this, and for that I thank you.


  17. You rock sista! That is what I believe God calling all of us to do--to love, guide and care for those who are in need. I can only imagine what it felt like when you received that call. MAN! The flesh fight against the Spirit is an awsome struggle.
    Love ya,

  18. I'm proud of you - you set such a good example, and in my heart of hearts I know how *good* you are.

    I think it's normal and human to have a struggle - it's how you resolve it, and what you learn during the struggle.


  19. You are nothing short of amazing! Happy Anniversary (be it late).

  20. Anonymous:

    I am definitely not an expert on adoption. The person who came to me was a friend of a family member. They didn't know where else to turn. I'm not sure you heard the heart of my blog. I DID have an inner spirit struggle for what I wanted versus what was best for the girl. What was best for the girl WAS passing her on to someone who could help guide her, properly, and get her hooked up with the resources she desperately needs.

    I gave her numbers to a local maternity women's shelter, a crisis pregnancy center, and our adoption agency.

    I can tell you that God's will was done in this situation. Had it not been, I would have been declaring a new addition to our family.

  21. You are an inspiration. So selfless.

  22. You have grown a lot. That should make you very happy.

  23. First--Happy Anniversary!!
    Second--I was there when our little one was just 6 months old. A friend of a co-worker came to us, we met her and we loved her, but knew the timing was not right for us and she needed more resources than we could provide. So we pointed her towards someone else who could provide for her needs and her unborn child. I often wonder what happened, but like you I know God's will was done. That precious one was not meant for our little family. But one day in God's timing He will complete our family!
    Your blog always blesses my heart to read, thank you, from another adoptive Mom! :)

  24. Discerning what God wants vs what we want is an everyday struggle. You are amazing to take the time to not only express yourself so eloquently in such a situation, but to be honest about it. So many people do not have the courage to be honest about what is in their heart, no matter right or wrong. Praise God for your strength.

    Happy Anniversary.

  25. happy anniversary! thanks for sharing so honestly and for listening to God's still small voice.
    praying for all of you and the young woman.

  26. Happy Anniversary! My husband and I also celebrated our 8th anniversary June 8th.
    You are an inspiration to all who read your blog.

  27. We've felt so torn the same way! Glad you listened to the whisper in your heard from God!

    Happy Anniversary!

  28. Just another reason why I love to read your posts. You are such a selfless person, always thinking of others. I benefit so much just from reading your posts. Thank you for being so heartfelt and honest...this birthmom is lucky to have someone like you to turn to!
    PS. Happy Anniversary!! And Tyrus is one lucky kiddo to have a Mommy like you!!

  29. Happy Anniversary!
    This is such a beautiful post. I know that struggle even though since becoming parents we haven't encountered such an opportunity but we did before. It's always hard to do what's right when our heart wants it so much. You have such great strength.