I thought about it all day. Fine China. Candlelight. Racy red getup. Thoughtful gifts.
Last night was our 8th year wed and the year past meant more than most. Our night, however, was strangely interrupted with a call. A call from an expectant mom. An expectant mom looking toward adoption.
After much conversation, I had a choice. Me or her. My feelings or hers. Picking one to prefer was not natural or easy. I'm being honest.
Folded in the weaves of complication I found myself asking heartfelt questions. Have you truly thought this through? Do you know this will be one of the most difficult things you ever have to live with?
Our conversation ended with me promising further contact and a return call with phone numbers to help point her in the right direction. The crux was defining right. After a night of mind battling, I was able to honestly admit that her right and my right were not the same.
My right meant making me a mother of two - quickly, easily, less expensively. Her right meant choices - options with support and friendship and health. Consequently, her right takes away from mine. And mine hers. I hate that it was even a struggle. It's bothersome that, for a night, I put my needs above hers and was only thinking about me.
When you meet at the threshing floor, God exposes all sorts of kinks in your heart, but the beauty is in the grinding. The smashing of love and correction and grace.
I'm not so arrogant to believe that every available baby for adoption is meant for us. Part of our push to foster care is knowing the number of families lined up behind us to adopt, domestically.
Part of this young woman's right was connecting her with an agency. And for the adoption boo-hoo-ers, I connected her with both crisis pregnancy center and adoption hotlines. To be quite frank, her predicament has handcuffed her options. I'm not sure that parenting her baby is even a choice. Her situation is desperate. She has immediate needs and requires resources.
After taking some steps back it became clear that God has given me much opportunity to be his voice - not mine. I don't know what will come of this young girl and her precious baby, but I know that God has brought them into my life for a purpose. I am so thankful for the platform he's given me to love and his continued efforts of beating the self out of my heart.
A year ago, I would have looked at this woman with ravenous, envious eyes. Hoping/praying/begging for her to give me her treasure. Today, I see a hurting soul that needs a friend. A friend that is neutral, non-intrusive.
Such an Aha! moment to see the shades of change that I've come through. For that, I'm eternally grateful.
This is the mother I want to be for Ty.