Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Day 387

Ever since Ben took me to be his wife, there have been splices of time where he'll intently stare into my eyes and then casually say, "I just had a moment." I usually give him a teasing "your-so-cheesy" kind of look, while inside, my heart does flip-flops. I require no explanation for his words...but I'll give one so you can grasp his sweetness.

We have moments in life, almost out-of-body, where our breath is taken away by the goodness of God and the anticipation of life. The fist time Ben had one of these "episodes" he explained that he couldn't believe where he was standing at that very moment...the woman that was by his side...the fullness in his heart...the graciousness of his Father. It was more than he ever could have imagined or planned for his life.

Ben is definitely a stop-and-smell-the-roses kind of boy. I wish I was more like him.

I'm a speed-through-life-always-doing-ten-things-at-once kind of girl. I'm working on it. My "moments" are few and far between, but I had one tonight.

My "before baby list," of things to do, shrinks with each passing day. Tonight's task landed us at the Laundromat. I wanted to wash our down comforters and all the rugs in the house. Usually, I test the washer at home by cramming and shoving them in...but they never really clean (or dry) the way I'd like. So...off to the laundromat we went. I say we because it never crossed Ben's mind that I would go alone. "It's our house," he said, plainly, (as if every man would respond the same), when I thanked him for being there.

Always a team, we scrutinzed a solution to get the mammoth machines in front of us working (neither of us had ever been in a facility of this kind before). It took longer than it should have, but within a few minutes...okay several minutes...we had both puppies up and running.

[Sidebar: Do you know how huge those washers and dryers are? We are seriously doing this every few months. So much easier.]

With the hum of the wash in our ears, we sat out in the cool night and just were. We talked a little. Mostly sat. We weren't having deep philosophical conversation or even sharing about our days. We were simply together. And that's when I had my moment.

For two years straight [no exaggeration] I was a walking zombie. I was so numb from heartache I wasn't capable of feeling. As we opened the door to adoption there were definitely springs of life, along the way. I was in such a deep freeze, it took a long time for my heart to completely thaw...and heal...from the years of turmoil. Everything about this process has been slow. Answers. Waiting. Healing. Baby.

But, tonight...sitting on a small town park bench, outside a stuffy laundromat, next to the only person who knows the shades my heart has seen...I felt whole. Alive. We were two kids figuring out the world together. We weren't in a hurry...or searching for words to say. We just were.

I will never be able to fully explain the wash cycle we were thrown into, the past five years. But, I can say that I'm thankful. I am a changed woman. My husband is a changed man. Our marriage is stronger than it ever has been and my passion for the Lord fiercer than I knew possible. I don't look at life with a wamsy-pambsy attitude, anymore.

I have surety.

I have surety in who God is. Who he has made me to be. What he has called me to do. God is doing BIG things in our hearts and this coming baby boy is only the beginning. Isn't that exciting? For the past several years, my vision was so short-sighted, I couldn't see beyond getting pregnant or having a baby. The Father's hand has been tweaking and operating for several months now and I believe I saw distance for the first time, on Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I want that baby boy more than anything I've ever wanted before...but I can finally see life beyond him.

I am thankful for this pre-baby revolution and I am forever indebted to the Father for giving me such a gift in Ben. I can finally say with confidence: We are ready to bring our baby boy home.


  1. I love this post. I love all your posts but this one shows your heart to the core. I love the love that you and Ben share.


  2. Beautiful post! So well said!

  3. You are a classy, elegant lady! That was well written and full of love.
    Also thanks for visiting my blog, your words hit the spot! Thank you!
    Cindie bass

  4. Loved this post...Loved it Loved it Loved it....After SOOO many years in the 'wash cycle', I am SO happy for you and Ben to finally be in the 'dryer', getting ready to bring baby boy home!
    Love and Hugs-Dori

  5. Rebekah...
    Wow! Your post is beautiful. It struck at my heart and triggered a steady flow of tears. My heavy and beaten down heart is so happy for you, truly.

    You perfectly described and vividly painted how very difficult and debilitating this journey really is.... I am deep in that place right now... the place where you were... I am praying that through your beautiful story, and through God's grace, I will find the strength to finally capture and hold tight to the hope that comes and goes so freely and liberally as this journey hastily unfolds. Your words in this post were pure. Innocent. True. Precious.

    I actually pictured you and Ben sitting on that town bench. So real. So peaceful. So perfect. Ben is very lucky to have you as his heart-mate.

    I am so happy for you, Rebekah. No other words. I am sincerely happy for you.

    I can't wait to "meet" your precious little miracle that God has created just for you...

    You are a very special person. I do hope you know this.

    Blessings and Hugs... and many, many happy thoughts for you during this season of your life...
    Much love to you...

    Your friend,
    Julie :)

  6. This post brought tears to my eyes...

  7. You a very lucky lady! Have fun doing the dusting too...ha..ha....! Only 36 days left! WAHOO!

  8. Beautifully stated. Wonderful column. So glad all is ready!

  9. It sounds like you are in such a great place, and I hope I can get to that place eventually also. Infertility is a long and hard journey, and I am so excited for you and your husband, as you will soon meet your son. :-D

  10. mmmmmmmm, isn't the goodness of God so perfect. I'm so happy/excited for you guys. it's awesome.

  11. love this post...you are one blessed girl...Ben is such a great guy.

  12. I love those moments by the way...they happen for chris more than for me, but I always know when he stops and stares...he is in this place of unbelief that we are married and are in this life together. It is so hard to explain.

  13. It brought me to tears too, well written. Thanks for sharing.

  14. Oh yes! Laundromats do things like that...teehee...magical! Whenever we travel...we make sure to run in for an hour or so at the local laundromat..to wash clothes of course...teehee...no! to sit and watch the people...just being in each others company...I have a man like Ben...and I'm beyond thankful...I love how you said he knows the shades of your heart....beautiful...

    and your marriage being stronger than ever! Magical!!!

    Yes! you are ready to bring your baby boy home! xx

  15. This is such a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing it.

  16. Wow Rebekah! Wow....

    I was just thinking today how much I love being married to my husband and despite everything how wonderful my life is.

  17. this post reminds me of this little poem i heard several months ago.
    "Your soul has been through a great storm,
    but all is not lost,
    a kind light is coming soon,
    to bring you hope & life.

    You can rest now and wait...".
    ~ Jen Lemen

    You are resting now....and waiting for this miracle that God made just for you.
    ahhhh...doesn't it feel good when our heart can finally rest. :)

  18. Wonderfully written post. I, like Julie, am stuck in that dark place you describe. Wash cycle, indeed. It's so horribly painful, and yet I try to believe it will make me a better mother and woman and wife when we come out on the other side.
    I'm impressed you've completed your list...or almost. ;)

  19. wow beautiful post.....wonderful!!

    baby boy is going to be so lucky to have you both as parents....

    m :)

  20. What a beautiful post. You are both so lucky to have each other.

  21. Beautiful post, Rebekah...I love your description of the way you and Ben just were. To me, those are some of the best moments in life...when explanations and answers aren't needed, and all seems right with the world.

    I am so full of joy for you, and so thrilled that you finally feel ready to bring baby boy home. I know you're going to be an amazing mother, and I can't wait to see you blossom!



  22. This was so GOOD to read...a reminder that God overflows our cups with so many extras, one of which is our awesome, encouraging, just-for-us husbands. I want to be in that place more, where instead of looking at what I don't have, I concentrate on all He has given me...good and bad. It all makes up a life!

    P.S.--35 more days...I'm counting with you!

  23. And you haven't felt nothing yet, my friend. Wait until that baby comes home with you. You will grow and your relationship will grow, right along with your family!

  24. Wow...that was powerful. Congrats on the birth of your son! Enjoy every single second with him!