Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Day 374

Baby boy on the big screen!! No smile, today...this is definitely a grumpy face...Of course, I'd be grumpy too if outside influences were poking and prodding and putting pressure on my head!

Rebekah had her weekly doctor visit, today, how I wish I could be there! Baby is perfect. We're told he has a full head of hair that swished around during the ultrasound, his kidneys are perfect (thank you, Lord!), and he's weighing in at a whopping 4 lbs 10 oz!

The bad news is that Rebekah's fluid is really low...and they've put her on bed rest. I want to stand on my soapbox, clear my throat, and yell, "HELLO...This woman is a single mom with four kids!" Bed rest. Not an option. I feel terrible! I wish I could be there...I wish I could clean her house, take care of her kids, buy the groceries, and every other demand she might have...but what can I do 22 hours away? All I can do is get on my knees and ask the God of the universe to intervene.

I've been a basket of emotions this week. Fears and thrills and concerns race through my mind, intercepting each other's paths and putting my head into overdrive. I've been a mad woman about the house. My personality already leans toward psychopath, throw in the coming arrival of my biggest heart's desire and I become a complete nutjob.

I want everything perfect.

I mean, seriously, does baby boy care if all the lightswitch plates are taken off and bleached....or if the towels are perfectly aligned and color-coordinated in the linen closet....or if he has specific stroller blankets, bedroom blankets, and living rom blankets, so that he looks agreeable in every situation?

When the crazy finally wears down and I'm lying in bed, my heart dreams...I dream of every scenario; every situation. From reading bed time stories to jokingly pulling his lanky teenage body onto my lap and telling him he's still my baby...

This morning, in the shower, for the first time [the thought, not the shower] my mind filled with darkness. What if...what if something happens...what if I do not bring that baby boy home...

There are no words to describe the horror that flashed before my eyes. It was too much...I told the Lord I never wanted to see that angle again. Even as a forecast. I don't want to know.

I just want to keep thinking and praying for baby boy, right now. I want to keep planning...keep readying the house...keep loving him with everything I am.

Only 50 more days, today.


  1. Wow -- only 50 more days! That's wonderful. I'm sorry that you had that flash of a negative thought. I think going into all of this you are bound to have feelings like that, but then you just have to think positive again (like you did.) Your baby looks beautiful and it's great that he's doing so well. So happy for all of you. I hope Rebekah is doing okay and able to rest a bit.

  2. I'll be praying for Rebekah, Baby,
    you and Ben. Thank God that his kidney condition is no longer a concern!!

    You're right- Baby dosen't care if everything is perfect, but I know you do! So do what you can and don't worry about the rest.

    I love how you share your ups and downs and everything in between in this blog!



  3. I can't imagine how your emotions are roller-coaster-ing right now, but let me tell you, I have two kids of my own, and you are just like every other woman out there about to bring a baby home, whether adopted or not. I had major nesting happening, I was quilting and buying material and imagining all the handmade items my baby was going to play with...and I had it all planned out, the take home outfit, the stroller blanket, you name it. Then my daughter decided to come early, and so fast, that I ended up delivering her at home, with paramedics tending to me at the last possible minute. My husband and I managed the twenty minute labour by ourselves with my 3yr old son sleeping in the next room. So not to freak you out, but you can't control what you can't control, and whatever happens, it will be perfect in God's ultimate plans for you, Rebekah, and baby boy. Stay sane :)

  4. jeez! Thats less than 2 months! You are in hyper nesting mode! *laugh* Im so happy for you you and your hunny! I love it that becky found you, On a blog no less! I just love it! That little boy has so much love from every direction, I am happy you get to be his mommy. Sweetness! My one request is that you keep your blog forever and for always so I can see my little cousin grow up. *wink* You and your husband are good people for taking this little man into your hearts. He is blessed by God.

  5. Praying for you and everything that surrounds your situation! God has it all is all in His hands and perfect in HIS way :) I am like you in the face at time I want everything perfect and done a certain way, etc etc. But just follow your heart and God will lead you. Praying for you! :)

  6. I'm counting down with you :)

  7. it can be so hard for me (and I am assuming you too!) to "let go and let God". this whole process seems so much out of our control so I like to grab control of cleaning! But I try to remind myself who is in control and he works all things together for the good!

    Take Care and your baby boy is a handsome little man...I bet you cant take your eyes off him!
    50 more days will fly!

  8. That fear creeps in on all of's all a part of the process and having no control over it. The unknown of what the final outcome will be....
    God has a plan, He is ultimately in control, and I know all of you are trusting in that!

  9. Don't worry about tomorrow! Stay in the here-and-now. I often find myself floating off into daydreams about all the awful things that could happen in life.


    Sounds like somebody is NESTING! Pregnant or not, a mommy-to-be does the same things!

  10. Rebekah,

    Everything WILL be perfect when you bring your baby boy home because it will be imperfect! I can honestly say that I used to think things had to be just so for MY little baby, and because of our situation, I have realized that those things really don't matter once your baby is in your arms.

    Your fears and overreaction about the house are normal, but do try to give yourself a break.

    That stinks about the bed rest for Rebekah...does she have anyone close that can help her out? I know you must be worried and upset that you can't be there.



  11. i'm glad that the baby is doing good and that rebekah is getting the health care she and the baby need. hold in there rebekah (the one with the baby inside you) we will all be praying for you, not only now, but as we watch this little boy grow, watch your relationship with our rebekah grow-we want nothing but good gifts from God for you and your family!

  12. So happy for you, Rebekah!
    J :)


  14. He will be here before you know it! I am so encouraged that it is possible to keep busy while you wait for baby and not go crazy. Well most of the time anyway! I will be praying for both of the Rebekah's! I hope baby boy can keep cooking for awhile longer!

  15. Focus on the good... reminds me of one of my favorite songs!
    "You've got to...
    Accentuate the positive,
    Eliminate the negative,
    Tune in to the affirmative,
    And don't mess with mister in between!"

    Your baby boy is gorgeous. I am glad all is well. ;)

  16. Stilling praying and thanking God for this amazing story!! -K

  17. First, it is wonderful to hear that Baby Boy's kidneys are perfect! :) But poor Rebekah... I can't imagine being on bed rest with four kids! That must be awful for her. I've been on bedrest with just two in my third pregnancy, and let me tell you... it was terrible.

    Next, baby certainly doesn't care about perfection in his house! But how nice that you can actually DO all of this to focus your energy before baby comes home. I wish I could borrow you to "nest" for me!!! I have a to-do list a mile long that the SPD isn't helping. :(

    Finally, say NO to awful thoughts. If the worst did happen, no amount of worrying or stressing now would prepare you for that devastation. And if the worst doesn't happen, all the time you spent worrying about it would be for nothing but stealing your joy of anticipation!

    Hang in there, Mommy!

  18. Go ahead and get all the cleaning and organizing out of your system because once that beautiful baby arrives it all falls into the background along with your time and your sleep. But, it's wonderful!

  19. This is so exciting! It sounds like bed rest will be tough for her, and I hope Rebekah will have some folks around to help her out. You're getting so close to meeting the little guy :)

  20. happy mother's day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!