Saturday, January 24, 2009

Day 271

crime of passion - n.

A defendant's excuse for committing a crime due to sudden anger or heartbreak, in order to eliminate the element of "premeditation." To make this claim the defendant must have acted immediately upon the rise of passion, without the time for contemplation or allowing for "a cooling of the blood."

This post is going to make me laugh and cry.

I love my Ben more than any other person on this planet and his fierce loyalty to defending my honor has made itself quite apparent over the last few weeks. It's almost as if he plunges forward, sword first, at any approaching pedestrian, in fear that they intend to cause me pain. Some may see it unnecessary, I see a man's bleeding heart that has been surrounded by surmounting pain - all of which is out of his control. The one thing he has control of (or thinks he does) is the pain brought on by others. I see a man, whose love for me is only second to God's.

In effort to shield his distressed damsel, Ben committed a crime of passion, today. Although it won't land him in the slammer (Thank God!), its effect may cause ripples for months to come.

Here's the short of it. I was having a conversation with someone and I was summing up how difficult the last two weeks have been regarding agency news, complications, differing opinions, etc. Ben and I decided to continue walking out our 12 month commitment to the agency, after which point a home study update would have to be done, more money paid, etc. Our decision includes a re-examination of our options at the end of August. I can't think about what might happen at that time because it's too difficult. At this point, I'm just living for today, taking one step at a time. The person I was having the conversation with didn't understand why it would be the end of the world to adopt a toddler or teenager out of foster care and never have a newborn to call my own. I mentioned that every time we have to shift gears, I feel like a piece of my dream which the person came back with "dreams change, stuff happens, you can find fulfillment in other avenues.....P.S. Do you want me to pay for counseling? I think your feelings are really unhealthy."

I hung up the phone so hurt....and very misunderstood. I immediately called Ben (who was running errands) with a mini melt down...It's not like I was talking to Joe Blow from across the street, this person should know me better than anyone else does...but her words couldn't have been more off base. I was only afforded a two minute meltdown because Ben was in a Sears checkout line - and how many of you know how irrational and high pitched the first two minutes of any meltdown are? Mr. Ride-in-on-a-white-horse-and-defend-my-wife's-honor got back in the car and immediately called the "someone" and ripped them a new one that spewed out phrases like, "you need empathy training," and "maybe instead of trying to be the hero all the time you should get down on your knees and hold Rebekah while she cries."

I, of course, am stunned when Ben relays the entire conversation to me, line by line - every gruesome detail - and wonder, "oh much damage control will be needed???" At the end of the "story" Ben breaks down and tells me how much he loves me and that although he should have taken a breath first, he can't bear to see me run over by words, anymore.

This process changes you. I've yet to discover whether it's for the better of worse, but the change happens either way. Sometimes mean and ugly things pour out at the most inopportune times, but can it be helped when the heart is merely reflecting its contents?

I'm not proud of the darkness...the thoughts...the apathy. But I'm doing everything I can to survive this monster. I believe wholeheartedly that God is faithful. But when a heavy, faithless heart takes over, its actions are unpredictable....passionate even. Will we have to apologize? Undoubtedly...Will this strain the relationship? Probably...but sometimes crimes are committed out of heartbreak and anger. We've both experienced our fair share of both.

All other elements aside, it feels darn good to know someone has your back.


  1. How wonderful that your Ben loves you so fiercely. I think people need to be put in their place from time to time. There is no reason for your friend to treat you this way. If it were me, and I hurt you, I would want you to tell me. That way, I could apologize and hopefully heal the hurt. Hopefully, with God's grace, this person will take the critism gracefully and come to you with an apology. I'm not so sure you shoud feel bad. I think that God gave us the gift of being loving but also the gift for sticking up for ourselves. It may be a kick in the pants that she needed. I hope everything calms down. I am sorry you are having to go through such a painful time. One day, when that baby comes to you, this pain will fade. I know it seems like an eternity from now but it will happen. Keep your chin up!

  2. W O W! It IS so great when our husbands stand up for our feelings, even when they don't completely understand them. It is often mind-blowing that other people (especially women) don't know that usually a listening ear is more encouraging than advice...even though the woman has not stumbled down infertility road. I agree that your friendship may actually get stronger since she has "seen the light" so to speak, thanks to your husband:) Still praying for's gonna happen!!!

  3. Rebekah- How lucky are you to have BEN?!?! While I know my husband supports me and trys very hard to understand me, he isn't QUITE on the same level (although he is pretty close). I love that Ben rode in on his white horse to save you.

    Most people just don't get it. If I think back to life before IF, I didn't get it either. Actually, when we first started waiting I had no idea how hard it was going to be. What people don't realize is that we don't expect them to "get it," we NEED them to be there for us and empathize. I hope Ben got that message across.

    I am truly sorry that she said those words to you. It isn't very supportive at all. Do understand that she is wrong. She really is. It is easy for people to say what you should or shouldn't do, but they have no idea the emotional rollercoaster of all of it. They don't understand what you give up- emotionally and financially.

    That is the hardest part for me- that other people don't get the enormity of the situation. But we do. I do. I get every bit of it.

    I told my husband the other day (after the TWINS announcement) that it feels like it is just getting worse for me. But it will turn around. It will start to get brighter for us! It has to. Otherwise we are going to have start researching those baby-free islands!

  4. All I can say is that you definitely found a keeper. You are very lucky to have Ben :)

  5. Rebekah,

    I've been thinking about you a lot since your last post and am glad to see an update--though not glad to see you are hurting so much.

    I think what Ben did is very sweet, we all need an advocate and a knight in shining armor at times and I'm so glad you have yours! I'm sorry the person in question said such harsh things to you...there is simply no way to explain to others what our hearts have to go through during this process. So often I find that I just don't say anything at all (thereby ending up feeling very lonely) rather than try to even talk about my feelings with "outsiders" too much.

    Undoubtedly this ordeal will take some time to play out, but I honestly do believe that the damage can and will be repaired in time. Having said that, I'm not entirely sure it's you and Ben who should be apologizing! Relationships of any kind can be so complicated at times...but I'm sure this one will endure.

    Hang in there, are in my thoughts!!


  6. What an amazing man you have in your corner...

    to have each other in a time like this is an amazing gift...we are very lucky!

    hang in there...

  7. Kiss that man and make him a steak! What a wonderful don't think you should need to apologize....the one who did the hurting is usually the one at fault. Good for hubby! God Bless!

  8. Ben obviously loves you like crazy...which is exactly what you need! It sounds like this person was very close to you, which makes it more difficult to take, I know. I think sometimes the people who love us (us = infertile couples) feel so bad for us and they empathize with us so that they feel exhausted and frustrated with the waiting, too, and they just want us to move on so that we, and they, can stop being sad all of the time. It's understandable if you think of it that way, but that doesn't make it OK. It was right to call them on it and remind them that they have no business telling you what you should or should not dream about and pray for!

  9. He just sounds amazing. I'm sorry you are hurting from someone who needs to be supporting you on YOUR dreams, not what they think you should be dreaming!

  10. What an amazing husband you have. You are a very lucky woman, and your sweet baby will be so blessed to have such a wonderful mommy and daddy.

  11. oh bekah, i absolutely hate everything that ensues after problems like this. I hate how cold people can be to their "friends". I hate how, because of how bad it hurts, are don't have the strength to take a moment and breath before we go and say things that we totally meant but maybe didn't want to say out loud.

    i will tell you what though, even if I am totally wrong, knowing my husband will stand behind me means the world! (not saying he was wrong - but I know I have been before and my hubby still stood behind me)

    I think you explained it best when you said that every time you have to change course and except a little less than what you always hoped for you feel like a little bit of your dream is taken away. It is so hard for other people to see or understand that until they go through it in some way or another.

    I sent this to Shelly the other day and it holds true for all of us in every situation!

    "But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

  12. yay for husbands who support matter what! :) There are some times in life where we need to stand up for ourselves instead of letting others walk all over us. I often wonder why I just take all the hurtful comments that are made to me...why don't I stand up and say something. I'm just not that kind of girl (for the most part) But sometimes....I wish I could really say what's on my mind. :) I'm glad Ben did that for you ~ you deserve to be treated kindly and with some dignity and respect! :) I agree that the "accused" should be the one to apologize. :)
    Hang in there!

  13. You are truly blessed to have a husband like Ben who is your knight in shining armour! I know sometimes during this infertility journey it is very difficult to stop and see all that we are blessed with, we tend to focus on that one huge blessing that is absent from our lives. I'm sure you already do this, but take a moment to say thank you to your awesome husband. He loves you so much to want to protect you from all the pain the fertile world hurls at us. I wish I could be as lucky with my husband as you are, but mine just doesn't get it as well as Ben does!

    I'm sorry to hear that someone so close to you has hurt you. I think it's especially hurtful when someone so close to us doesn't understand what we are going through, and because they are so close to us, they have that ability to inflict even more pain on us. (((hugs)))

    My sister dealt with infertility from the time she was 25 until she was 41, when she finally adopted. Because I was only in high school & college while she was going through that, I really didn't understand how painful and life-consuming it is. However, my sister has recently disappointed me with comments she has made regarding my infertility. Has she forgotten how hard it is since she now has her son? I don't know, but it just plain stinks that the people who are closest to us can hurt us so much with their words.

    Stay strong, and believe in God's plan....I hope this comment helped!

  14. Damn, I thought my husband was amazing...Ben is closing in the gap!!! Your husband rocks! I think Ben not only did what he did for you, he did it for him. It is such a difficult time for both of you and the love you 2 have for each other is amazing and will with-stand all the negative comments and obsticales thrown your way. I'm glad Ben called her back (even though I don't know her)...she needed a MAJOR reality check. This journey is about YOU and BEN and no one else...if she can't understand that and give you what you need (which is just an ear to bend)...than shame on her.
    Don't let people question your dreams. Your Faith and Love for God and each other will make your dreams come true!

  15. I feel Ben's pain...we had someone say some incredibly insensitive things to us while we were shopping for Josiah before he arrived. (see "Nightmare" in our blog achives for the details.) Amy was devastated, and I really struggled with my response. In all honesty, I wanted to march back and do something that I would most likely be arrested for.

    What his comments clearly crossed the line, there were others that were close to us that struggled to understand our decision. We cut them a little more slack because their concern was genuine, even if their line of questioning may seem insensitive.

    Remember that you're doing something WONDERFUL that many people don't quite understand. The ignorance is on them; they're trying to wrap their minds around such a decision. We didn't offer any details to people that we didn't know well. Truth is, it was often the people closest to us that hurt us with their comments. the challenge is to deal gracefully with their well-intentioned search for understanding.

  16. Good for Ben! You've got yourself a good man there, but you already know that. He's going to make a great Daddy and you're going to be an awesome Mommy. Don't let anyone tell you to switch gears or not be so picky, etc. You're BABY will come. Don't settle. If you want an older child or teen, fine, but if you want an infant or young baby, that's what you want and it's really none of anyone's business. I know of at least 2 couples waiting at least 6 months with our agency. This seems to be just a slow time for babies right now, unfortunately. You two are so stinkin' cute someone has just got to choose you very soon!

  17. I can only imagine how much that must have hurt you, especially coming from someone who is close with you! I think probably the best thing to remember is... no matter how WRONG she was, she loves you and justwants to see you stop hurting.

    That being said, there are no "right" or "wrong" feelings! There is nothing wrong with wanting a newborn baby of your own, a dream that will not go away because it is not SUPPOSED to.

    I'm glad you have Ben there in your corner, and it is obvious how much he loves you and wants to protect you from the inevitable hurt that this road can bring.

    If she loves you, really really really loves you, then things will be made right. Maybe he went about it a harsher way than you would have liked, but she did need to hear that... sometimes it takes something this BIG to shake someone awake, to understand and empathize!

  18. I feel a bit intimidated by all of these LONG, wonderful comments...because all I can come up with is - I am so sorry you went through that, that you are going through THIS, but dang your husband rocks.

  19. Oh My!!! I am so sorry for your hurt and for your pain that you and Ben are going through!! This is suppose to be an exciting time for you and your family. We are lucky to have such great husbands that love and take care of us. We will be praying for you and Ben. The verse that Leah (my sister-in-law) gave me has help me greatly. =) Hang in there. The one thing I know for sure about the adoption process is that it is ALWAYS CHANGING!!! Nothing stays the same!!! =)

    "But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

  20. I'm glad that Ben came to your defense. You are truely blessed to have such a loving husband.
    I'm sorry that you got your feelings hurt. I empathize with you. I have a very tender heart myself.
    I understand why you want to adopt a newborn. There is nothing in the
    world that compares with the feeling of caring for a tiny baby.
    I can only imagine, having not experienced it myself, the feeling of being a mom. I have worked with toddlers and teens and I myself know that if I ever have the opportunity to adopt, that I too would want to adop a newborn.
    It is sometimes possible to adopt a newborn from fostercare, but the risks can be greater and the process is more gruling if an attempt to reunite the baby with the birth parents is being made. I have seen many families adopt new borns from foster care, however, and I've seen it bring couples great joy. That beeing said, I'll keep praying that you and Ben are able to adopt a baby with the help of the agency you are currently working with.
    By the way, I think that Ben was absolulty right in defending you.
    It sounds like the person who hurt your feelings just doesn't understand what your going thuough.
    From my perspective, that person owes you and apology, but I wouldn't count on it. From my perspective, the only reason Ben needs to apologize is if it is necessary for "damage control" or to prevent further harm to the relationship. HUGS for you.

  21. As I reread the end of that hurtful statement, which was struck by the part "your feelings
    are really unhealthy." I don't think that they are at all. God gave us feelings and ways to express them for a reason. I believe that He knows that it is better to get them out than to keep them all bottled up inside ourselves. Have you ever heard the statement "feeling aren't right or wrong- they just are"?
    You have a right to feel whatever you are feeling and if anyone is critical of your feelings, please remember- they just don't understand!! Eveyone sees things from there own perspective.
    Regarding counseling- I'm not saying that you need it or that you don't need it. But I can tell you that I went to counseling off and on for almost 4 1/2 years and I believe that it hepled.

  22. Wow! I am so proud of your husband for standing up to this person for you. You are very lucky to have such a loving and supportive husband. My husband is almost there...I know he'd feel bad and comfort me, but not sure he'd actually confront the person. We attended some meetings a couple weeks ago that are required of our agency before beginning the home study and they did a short visualization exercise for the husbands. They were to close their eyes and imagine different things from their lives...being on the winning baseball team, getting what you wanted for christmas each year, and having the job of your dreams...and then, all of the sudden, getting that "thing" they were most hopeful for ripped away. Not being able to be the bread winner really got to my husband. He finally understood where I was coming from as a woman going through infertility. Being brought up as a girl...we played with dolls, we had bottles, changed diapers, played house...we're SUPPOSED to be MOMS! It was an eye-opener for him. I am so thankful for that exercise, it opened up so many doors for conversation and growth as a couple! (I must blog about that!)
    I will keep you and your hubby in my prayers. I know good things are on the way for you. You are such an uplifting and inspiring person...I'm so glad I found your blog. I try so hard not to read those blogs which are negative, negative, negative (although sometimes its hard not to be) I try to focus on the positive. And, although you have been having a hard time, I am always amazed how you forge through and look for the silver lining...with such grace and many words of wisdom. Your HUSBAND is also a lucky man. :)

  23. I don't want to be a discouragement but at the same time, I am not in agreement with most people that have commented. Feelings are real, that does not make them right, some feelings we have are not based in reality of who we are as children of God and His trustworthiness. I can not pretend to know why you are going through infertility, however, I do know that the God we serves knows what He is doing. I can't relate specifically but I do know very dearly the cost of shattered dreams. I just wanted to give a different perspective from what I've been reading above. If the person is close as you say they are, then they are probably trying to help and not be hurtful. And even though they cannot understand what your heart is feeling, I'm sure whatever was said was not to hurt you but to cause you to evaluate where you are and how you are dealing with things. Their evaluation right or wrong is their current perspective of what they are seeing. They are trying to offer encouragement in a different form than simply saying hang in there, your time will come. They, even if they are not close, deserve the same grace and mercy from you that you were wishing that they showed you. I pray that God gives you the children you are praying for. I hope He also fulfills His purposes in allowing the situation at hand. May God draw you closer to Him during this time and use everything that is happeding for His glory as hard as even praying that can be.

  24. I read the comment posted on Feb.3.
    I agree to a point. I do agree that that person was probally trying to give you something to think about. I also understand that many feelings are not based in reality, trust me, I am a great example of some one who has a ton of feelings, many of which have little or no basis in reality. I don't know if Ben needs to apologize or not- it might be the wisest thing to do.
    I don't know how you're feeling about this almost two weeks later, but this is still painful for me to read. I'm still sorry that you got your feelings hurt. If you read my 25 random facts you'll see that two of them deal with my sensitivity and the fact I cry fairly easily, so I understand where you're coming from. When I read your blog, I feel like I actuallly know you and I feel very
    protective of you, much as I do when one of my friends gets hurt. If I knew you personally, I would absolutly hold you when you cry! Hang in there, sweetie. I truely believe that God has everything under control, even when life feels out of control!