Day 271

crime of passion - n.

A defendant's excuse for committing a crime due to sudden anger or heartbreak, in order to eliminate the element of "premeditation." To make this claim the defendant must have acted immediately upon the rise of passion, without the time for contemplation or allowing for "a cooling of the blood."

This post is going to make me laugh and cry.

I love my Ben more than any other person on this planet and his fierce loyalty to defending my honor has made itself quite apparent over the last few weeks. It's almost as if he plunges forward, sword first, at any approaching pedestrian, in fear that they intend to cause me pain. Some may see it unnecessary, I see a man's bleeding heart that has been surrounded by surmounting pain - all of which is out of his control. The one thing he has control of (or thinks he does) is the pain brought on by others. I see a man, whose love for me is only second to God's.

In effort to shield his distressed damsel, Ben committed a crime of passion, today. Although it won't land him in the slammer (Thank God!), its effect may cause ripples for months to come.

Here's the short of it. I was having a conversation with someone and I was summing up how difficult the last two weeks have been regarding agency news, complications, differing opinions, etc. Ben and I decided to continue walking out our 12 month commitment to the agency, after which point a home study update would have to be done, more money paid, etc. Our decision includes a re-examination of our options at the end of August. I can't think about what might happen at that time because it's too difficult. At this point, I'm just living for today, taking one step at a time. The person I was having the conversation with didn't understand why it would be the end of the world to adopt a toddler or teenager out of foster care and never have a newborn to call my own. I mentioned that every time we have to shift gears, I feel like a piece of my dream dies...to which the person came back with "dreams change, stuff happens, you can find fulfillment in other avenues.....P.S. Do you want me to pay for counseling? I think your feelings are really unhealthy."

I hung up the phone so hurt....and very misunderstood. I immediately called Ben (who was running errands) with a mini melt down...It's not like I was talking to Joe Blow from across the street, this person should know me better than anyone else does...but her words couldn't have been more off base. I was only afforded a two minute meltdown because Ben was in a Sears checkout line - and how many of you know how irrational and high pitched the first two minutes of any meltdown are? Mr. Ride-in-on-a-white-horse-and-defend-my-wife's-honor got back in the car and immediately called the "someone" and ripped them a new one that spewed out phrases like, "you need empathy training," and "maybe instead of trying to be the hero all the time you should get down on your knees and hold Rebekah while she cries."

I, of course, am stunned when Ben relays the entire conversation to me, line by line - every gruesome detail - and wonder, "oh boy...how much damage control will be needed???" At the end of the "story" Ben breaks down and tells me how much he loves me and that although he should have taken a breath first, he can't bear to see me run over by words, anymore.

This process changes you. I've yet to discover whether it's for the better of worse, but the change happens either way. Sometimes mean and ugly things pour out at the most inopportune times, but can it be helped when the heart is merely reflecting its contents?

I'm not proud of the darkness...the thoughts...the apathy. But I'm doing everything I can to survive this monster. I believe wholeheartedly that God is faithful. But when a heavy, faithless heart takes over, its actions are unpredictable....passionate even. Will we have to apologize? Undoubtedly...Will this strain the relationship? Probably...but sometimes crimes are committed out of heartbreak and anger. We've both experienced our fair share of both.

All other elements aside, it feels darn good to know someone has your back.