Day 260

The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly
Last night's mandatory meeting....

The Good

• Jesus is Lord.

• It doesn't matter how impossible getting a baby seems or what roadblocks are put in our way. I know he has a distinct plan for our family and I have to trust that it will come to fruition in his timing and nobody else's.

• The agency is not closing!

• There are currently 500 waiting families at our agency. Of the 500 only 91 are domestic and of the 91 only 30 are open to AA adoption. Last year 76 domestic babies were placed and they are forecasting 80 for 2009. I'm not sure how many of the babies placed were AA, but it gives me hope that we are 1 of 30 waiting, opposed to 1 of 91 or 1 of 500!

The Bad
Our agency is non-profit (most of them are) and it runs on funds from adopting families with little extra at the end of each year. Families adopting internationally pay most of their money upfront, whereas domestic families pay most of their money at the end, when the placement is made (i.e. international sign-ups and domestic placements are vital to the health of the agency each year). In 2008, international sign-ups were down 40% (economy being the key player) and domestic placements were down 50% (for various reasons beyond the agency's control). It's easy to see why an agency would be struggling to stay afloat! Thankfully, the agency had a number of good years leading up to 2008 and invested extra funds at the end of each of those years. Unfortunately, the reserve was nearly depleted in effort to keep the agency afloat. What does this mean for us? An additional $2250 fee was added to every waiting family's bill. The kicker was that $1,000 is due in two weeks. The rest is spread out between now and August. Naturally, the room was in uproar. I later told Ben, "Every issue is magnified when you're dealing with hundreds of women who want nothing more than to be mothers." Women were crying (from the feeling of hopelessness) and husbands were angry that an already expensive endeavor is now even more costly.

Mind you, part of the contempt was not merely from the new fee structure, it was the lack of guarantee that this money will be submitted and the agency doesn't close in 6 months, with no hope of money being returned. And that is definitely a concern! My initial response was, "What in the world is keeping us here?" Because we're domestic we have very little invested (compared to international families) and most of what is invested can move with us (homestudy and profiles), with an exception of maybe $1000. But the longer I listened to the heart of the director, the more mine softened.

The Ugly
There was only one moment of ugly. Halfway through the meeting Ben leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Am I the only one that feels this way....or do you feel like this is never going to happen for us." I was pretty much brimmed with emotion during the entire meeting, but that pushed the tears over the edge. That's exactly how I feel. This is the most incredibly difficult path I've ever had to walk and nothing about it feels sure.

The Summary
It's hard to recap the gamut of emotions we walked away with...but I'll tell you our decision and try to list out a few of the determinig factors so you can understand where we're coming from. Whenever I have to make a decision I always start with what I know. Here's what I know: I know that God is in control (as hard as that is to believe most of the time). I know that I will be a mother someday, because the Lord has never removed the desire from my heart (I've asked several times!) I know that we picked our agency for a reason. It wasn't a fluke or some haphazard decision. I know that the Holy Spirit leads me with his peace and prompts me when I need prompting....

Next, I've done a lot of agency research over the last several months, investigating whether or not we should sign up with an additional agency, and there's only one agency I would be willing to switch to - Bethany Christian Services. I spent a lot of time in the beginning of the year deciding between BCS and AAI (our agency). We picked AAI for several reasons, but the number one being that it was local (Michigan based) and that a majority of the babies are born in Michigan (easier, more flexibility for appt's/meetings with the b.mom, and less money paid in travel expenses). Even after all the "bad" agency news, the pros still outweigh the cons, for us.

We believe that we are exactly where we need to be and have complete and total peace, even amidst the mayhem. Ben compared our jumping to another agency to switching lines in the grocery store. How many times do you leave your line to pick a new line and then you end up waiting so much longer than if you had just stayed put!?! Leaving our agency would be a wash because the money we owe AAI would have to be paid in new agency fees and profiles (BCS has different profile requirements). AND we'd be sitting around for who knows how long, waiting to be approved and added to the BCS waiting families list. Granted, our agency could close in 6 months....but there's no guarantee that BCS isn't hitting financial strain right now, too (I think it's safe to say every agency is).

We were so impressed and appreciated that the AAI President was so open and honest with us. He didn't sugarcoat anything, but spoke from the heart and reminded us of the agency's mission. Two things he said really resonated with me. 1) Everyone of us knew getting into this [adoption] that there would be tremendous risk. We were reminded on every sheet of paper we signed. There is never a guarantee with adoption, too many things can change. We weren't even guaranteed a baby and we still signed up! It's part of the deal. It's a high cost to pay and tolling in every possible dimension of life....but the reward....is great. Hmmm....I think I've read that in the Bible somewhere... and 2) The President of the Board of Directors (the same person that ran last night's meeting) was also on the Board of Directors at BCS for years before he came to AAI. Never once did he bad-mouth BCS, but he did reference the differences between the agencies and how much he believes in what AAI is doing and how it's being done. I can't explain why...but it encouraged me that we're in the right spot.

I'll stop before this blog entry turns into a book in and of itself! There are so many things that were said and felt that just didn't make it into today's post...I'm sure some people will read this and think we're crazy for not getting out while we can, but I hope those people won't tell me so! We've made up our minds and however crazy it might seem, it's right for us. God's amazing peace continues to surround us and we hold on to hope that our baby will come.