Friday, October 10, 2008

Day 165

I’ve been a little absent from blog world, this week, and look forward to catching up with all your news, over the weekend. I’m in my last semester of my BBA program (THANK GOD!) and my classes are kicking my butt. Last weekend ranked as my all-time, lamest weekend ever. I literally did homework from 5:30pm on Friday until about midnight on Sunday. My only breaks were a quick dinner with Ben on Saturday and church Sunday morning! The good news is that each day we have to wait for a baby is one less day I’ll have to try to manage working full-time, school part-time, and a newborn! For that, I’m thankful.

On top of the busy-ness, I committed to speak at a women’s breakfast tomorrow morning. Ben thought I was crazy to take on one more thing…but I really felt the Holy Spirit prompting me. It’s the first time I have shared my infertility story publicly, and for that, I’m a little nervous. As most of you know, it’s an extremely private battle, difficult even to share between friends. I accepted the invitation because it feels like it’s time. I have finally reached the place of complete healing and I want to testify to what God has done!

I enjoy preaching and teaching, but I'm a writer at heart. I knew that journal excerpts were essential to telling my story, but didn’t realize how emotional it would be to read through them! Much of my week was spent remembering and re-living the struggle through my own words. What struck me most was my progression. The early days were light and hopeful, full of whimsical dreams and baby ponderings. They slowly morphed into a dark cloud of heaviness that was suffocating to read through. I didn’t start this blog until I had made a good dent in my emotional journey. Often people comment on how positive I am…and strong. It couldn’t be further from the truth. My 2007 journals are too frightening to share, they’re so dark. It just so happens that you all caught me walking the upside of the valley!

I am so thankful for God’s grace, today. Thankful that he didn’t knock me dead from my irreverent anger and onslaught of questioning. My topic tomorrow embodies my journey from abandonment to grace. I’m excited to share it, but not sure how I’ll hold up through it.

Here are a couple excerpts that I’ll be sharing that really moved me (and I thought many of you could relate to)…

December 2007
[One day, after months of turmoil and heaviness, I finally got breakthrough…It was the dead of winter. I threw on my coat and boots and stormed outside. I roughly commanded the Lord for his attention. I ran down the street and refused to come back until we had resolved things. I went round and round in circles that night and later wrote]:

Lord! My emotions are running in every way—I’m angry, but don’t feel entitled; I’m overwhelmed, but know you will provide; heartbroken, but don’t feel allowed…I can’t say “Where are you?” because I know you’re here. I can’t say, “Why aren’t you speaking to me?” because I’m probably not listening. All I can say is, “I need you.” I need you right now more than I have ever needed you before…

January 2008
[My first step to healing]
Today, I had a vision in worship. I was remembering a story in 2 Kings 4 about Elisha and the Shunamite woman’s son. She, too, was infertile. She shows Elisha kindness and in return he tells her to expect a son, that time, next year. She in fact has a boy, and years later he dies in her arms, after complaining of a headache. She rushes to Elisha and says, “I told you not to get my hopes up. My son is now dead!” Elisha walks into the room, closes the door, and lies on top of the boy. The Bible says, he laid “mouth-to-mouth, eyes-to-eyes, hands-to-hands,” and the boy’s body warmed to life.

This morning I was standing in worship. The Lord and I were embracing, the same way I would hold on to Ben…We had actual heart-shaped hearts and they were squeezed together so tight, they were nearly exploding. I heard the Lord say, “My peace is your peace. My joy is your joy. My life is your life. My promises your promises… And just like that, “Mouth-to-mouth, eyes-to-eyes, hands-to-hands,” he gave me breath to go on.

I know some of you are still working your way through the dark place. Take your time, know that it's okay to feel, let the Lord heal you, and keep pushing through.

Deuteronomy 30:3-4

“The Lord your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all nations where he scattered you. Even if you have been banished to the most distant land under the heavens, from there the Lord your God will gather you and bring you back.”


  1. This is beautiful. Thanks for sharing. Good luck sharing your story. I'll be praying for you this weekend.

  2. "Lord! My emotions are running in every way—I’m angry, but don’t feel entitled; I’m overwhelmed, but know you will provide; heartbroken, but don’t feel allowed…I can’t say “Where are you?” because I know you’re here. I can’t say, “Why aren’t you speaking to me?” because I’m probably not listening. All I can say is, “I need you.” I need you right now more than I have ever needed you before…"

    I can't describe it better. You're right--you ARE a writer at heart and do a great job of describing conversations I've had myself.

    The Lord provides! I often told people that "God and I aren't on speaking terms" when it was too hard to keep praying. Kuckily I has a lot of wonderful friends and family who took that on themselves, gave me a break, and God quietly healed my heart.

  3. beautiful. your words will be used by the Lord to help bring hope and encouragement to others. praise the Lord for your obedience to share the journey you are on. i will be praying for you and your speaking engagement tomorrow.

  4. This is so beautiful. I think what strikes me most is how differently you and I must have process infertility. I get from what you've shared that you're very raw, real, and aware of your emotions, and how you're constantly seeking God's guidance and direction. I didn't so much do that, and maybe it's just because I wasn't yet to that point. I kept stuffing the emotions down, putting on a happy face, and trying to hold God's hand like a preschooler in Sunday School. I think this was my defense mechanism to some degree. Anyway, I'm glad we both made it through that valley and we're hopefully on our way to the light on the other side of the darkness.

  5. There comes a time once you have children (in my case adoption) that the infertility doesn't hurt so badly. Your busy, your happy BUT you will never forget it. Thus with me, I will never forget it. I hate that others have to hurt over infert. because I know that hurt all to well. Your words reminded me of those days. While on one hand it seems like forever ago it was only three years ago that I sat waiting for an agency to tell me I was a mom. Hugs to you. Thanks for sharing. -kriss

  6. Good luck tomorrow - I know you will do great! Just share your heart and you can't go wrong!!

  7. Boy that's a lot on your plate!!! And still more to come! God Bless!

  8. Your words from your journey brought tears to my eyes. Such beautiful words. You are such a wonderful witness for the Lord. Best wishes tomorrow. You will touch so many lives.

  9. I hear you about the mad crazy studying! I've been really lame as well since starting uni again.

    Thank you for sharing part of your past journey through infertility. I really hope it went well this morning.

  10. I too remember those times!! So wonderfully expressed in your words!
    Best wishes on sharing your experience! Let us know how it goes!

  11. You did an incredible job today. Every person in the room was touched. So glad I could be there. love you

  12. This is beaitiful ~ thanks so much for sharing...
    I hope your event went well ~ I'm sure it did. :)

  13. Thanks for sharing your story with us!!! You are one awesome Lady that will be one awesome mom!!! =) Hope everything went well this weekend for you!! =)

  14. This is amazing and thank you for sharing and being so honest, always. You inspire me more than you will ever know.