Waiting is for the birds!
Day 157...are you kidding me? How many more days do I have to wait? Take the 157 adoption journaling days, plus 365 days multiplied by 4, and you've got a whole lot of days--a whole lot of waiting. I am SO done waiting. Really. I've paid my dues, learned my lessons, wrote my book [okay, I'm in the process of writing my book]....what else do I need to prove?
Ben and I dated for four years, long distance, before we married. The last year or so was rough. We were done waiting. We never had a "normal" dating relationship. We were 9 hours apart for most of the four years and our time together averaged out to be about a weekend every month or so. I can't tell you how many times people threw around, "Oh...but absence makes the heart grow fonder..." Oh, yeah? Have you tried it? I mean really tried it...for years on end? Call us cynic, but we quickly modified the saying to read, "Absence makes the heart grow irritated." And it's true. I know.
And here I am, years later, in the same [albeit more difficult] boat. There came a point in our relationship (a few months before the wedding) where I physically thought my limbs were going to fly off and explode into a million pieces if I couldn't be with Ben. Maybe I dipped my toes toward the dramatic, but I couldn't wait any longer. I knew beyond a shadow, that Ben was the man God created just for me. I didn't simply want him, I needed him. There were things God was stirring in my heart that didn't come to completion until after we were married.
I feel the same way, today. Right now. In my pj's. Cuddled under the covers. It is time for me to be a mom. I know what some of you are thinking..."everyone wants to be a mom, nobody likes to wait." This is different. This is a readiness that was built into me the day I was born. It took 27 years to come to fruition, an ugly path--marked with the deepest pain I've ever known, and a complete heart shift. The readiness I feel, today, doesn't compare with the wanting of 12 months ago. God did something in me. He changed me....He changed Ben, and revealed his grace.
Maybe that all sounds like an excuse or justification, I don't know. But, I am DONE waiting. Technically, we've only been "waiting" for 1 month and 5 days [but, who's counting]; physically, mentally, and spiritually I've been waiting my entire life.
Tonight, I'm that 20 year old girl again...my heart's exploding, my head is pounding, everything in me is screaming and ready to open the next chapter. Because I KNOW. I know that God is stirring. I know that God is moving. He gave me more than any girl deserves in a mate; a marriage far beyond one I had ever seen. I have felt this earth-shake before and I know what it prequels. I am done waiting; I'm ready for the next chapter.