Thursday, October 2, 2008

Day 157

Waiting is for the birds!

Day 157...are you kidding me? How many more days do I have to wait? Take the 157 adoption journaling days, plus 365 days multiplied by 4, and you've got a whole lot of days--a whole lot of waiting. I am SO done waiting. Really. I've paid my dues, learned my lessons, wrote my book [okay, I'm in the process of writing my book]....what else do I need to prove?

Ben and I dated for four years, long distance, before we married. The last year or so was rough. We were done waiting. We never had a "normal" dating relationship. We were 9 hours apart for most of the four years and our time together averaged out to be about a weekend every month or so. I can't tell you how many times people threw around, "Oh...but absence makes the heart grow fonder..." Oh, yeah? Have you tried it? I mean really tried it...for years on end? Call us cynic, but we quickly modified the saying to read, "Absence makes the heart grow irritated." And it's true. I know.

And here I am, years later, in the same [albeit more difficult] boat. There came a point in our relationship (a few months before the wedding) where I physically thought my limbs were going to fly off and explode into a million pieces if I couldn't be with Ben. Maybe I dipped my toes toward the dramatic, but I couldn't wait any longer. I knew beyond a shadow, that Ben was the man God created just for me. I didn't simply want him, I needed him. There were things God was stirring in my heart that didn't come to completion until after we were married.

I feel the same way, today. Right now. In my pj's. Cuddled under the covers. It is time for me to be a mom. I know what some of you are thinking..."everyone wants to be a mom, nobody likes to wait." This is different. This is a readiness that was built into me the day I was born. It took 27 years to come to fruition, an ugly path--marked with the deepest pain I've ever known, and a complete heart shift. The readiness I feel, today, doesn't compare with the wanting of 12 months ago. God did something in me. He changed me....He changed Ben, and revealed his grace.

Maybe that all sounds like an excuse or justification, I don't know. But, I am DONE waiting. Technically, we've only been "waiting" for 1 month and 5 days [but, who's counting]; physically, mentally, and spiritually I've been waiting my entire life.

Tonight, I'm that 20 year old girl heart's exploding, my head is pounding, everything in me is screaming and ready to open the next chapter. Because I KNOW. I know that God is stirring. I know that God is moving. He gave me more than any girl deserves in a mate; a marriage far beyond one I had ever seen. I have felt this earth-shake before and I know what it prequels. I am done waiting; I'm ready for the next chapter.


  1. I feel that I could have written this post myself. We have been waiting for 6 months and the past 6 months feels like an eternity. It's to the point where I almost feel as though someone is missing from our family....I'm so ready to be a mom and, like you....I am DONE waiting. Sometimes I feel that I'm going to explode if I have to wait one more day....
    Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. :) I hope your wait comes to an end soon! :)

  2. There are no words to make it are so passionate. I know it doesn't help, but I am done waiting to. I want to hold baby Pinchback in my arms and smother him/her with kisses.

  3. Oh, sweet girl, I wish I had words.

    Just know that it will happen and it WILL be so ordained by God... just like Ben is the ONE made for you, God is making THE baby (or maybe, BABIES) for you!

    I know this is not what you want to hear, but it will be soooooo worth the wait.

    Is it not amazing how you can miss someone you don't even know yet?

  4. It really makes me sad that you have to go through so much. And it makes me sad that so many people are going through the same thing! Why can't we just get a break? When that little one is finally in your arms I believe they might just explode off! You will be able to look back on the crapiness and see so much more than you can see now. I'm praying for a speedy placement!

  5. I completely understand how you feel. I realized that yesterday marks 4 years and 8 months that we've been TTC and we are going on 3 months of "waiting." I too feel like I've paid my dues. May your wait be a short one.

    I love the new blog design by the way :)

  6. I remember feeling that way a couple of months before we were matched. And I knew it was getting close because God was working in visible, financial ways. I remember calling my Mom at one point and telling her, "I think we are going to get a baby soon." We had been worried about some bills once the baby came and I stopped working and miraculously, things started to work out.

    It is SO hard. I hope your waiting is almost done.

    BTW - we did the long distance thing too. It sucks!!!

  7. I hear you, Rebekah. I know how hard the waiting is... Everybody tries to tell you it will happen if the time is right, but you felt for quite a while that the time is right...
    I am holding you in my prayers.

  8. I wish I had the words to make this easier.

    I'm praying for you, friend.

  9. I hate waiting. I probably have the lowest tolerance for patience of anybody I know. I cannot even imagine how frustrated you must be right now, seriously!
    I will pray that God ends this wait soon and this his amazing and wonderful master plan starts being tangible to you very soon...

  10. Sometimes I feel like throwing a big temper tantrum...especially lately.

    Lately, I have been trying to think about all the stuff that will be better if we wait a little longer... like finances and vacation time at work and stuff like that. It isn't working very well, though.

    We have also been trying to fill every day with stuff we wouldn't be able to do if we were already placed-- but it is all fake, because I just want to be at home with my family!

  11. I have not been waiting nearly as long as you have...but I can understand the deep, passionate, intense desire to be a mom. I'm ready for that too. I hope you're not waiting much longer- when God moves it is always so much better than we imagined!

  12. I hear you - I really, really do! I was thinking today that we have been technically waiting for a family since I was 25, meaning we started seeing a doctor for IF at that time. In actuality we hadn't done anything to prevent a pregnancy for three years prior to that. Now I'm 33...thirty three! How much longer to I have to wait?! How much more patience can I have?! Technically eight years, actually 11 years, and fundamentally my entire life, spent waiting for what I KNOW I was meant for. As surely as I know the sun shines, I know I was meant to be a mom, just like you.

    The thing that gives me solace...and hope, is that we weren't meant to be moms to just any baby. We are still waiting because we are waiting for the right babies. I know this gets tossed around and talked about all the time, much like the cliche about absence making the heart grown fonder. I really do believe it's true though, on a deeper level than these words can describe.

    There is nothing I can really even say because I know none of it can really make you feel better. Noting will feel better until you are finally a mom, until the waiting is over. I hope and pray your time is coming soon.



  13. Hi Rebekah-
    I know that you are absolutely frustrated with waiting, but remember that this all has to be in God's time, not ours :) I know that's a lot easier said than done, but everything happens for a reason. God has something wonderful in the works for you and Ben and He will reveal it to you when He is ready. I pray that the wait will be over soon, though :) Hope you are well and I miss seeing you and talking to you in class. God bless!

  14. Ditto for me said everything I feel too! Prayers and hugs! God Bless.

  15. I saw the vest in Target when we were in GR this weekend. VERY cute!!!

  16. I hear you. I cannot even imagine having waited for that long to be married. Man, that would have been tough. Originally hubby wanted to get married Sept/Oct, but since I was in grad school, I said the summer (as not to plan during 2 semesters). Come the end of May we were totally ready to be hitched, and we still had a month and a half. That was tough.
    I read a great poem the other day on waiting. I'll try to post it when I get it all together shortly - still recovering from our trip. It's all about waiting and really helped me a little with what I'm currently experiencing with my waiting anxiety.

  17. Hi! I was blogging and was at the my charming kids blog and started reading the not me mondays stuff. Check it out! It's so funny! I think you, Laura, Meeg, and I should do it weekly. Just for a good laugh. Let me know. I know I need a good laugh.

  18. the waiting is intensely overwhelming. there are not words to make it better. keep clinging to the fact that God *is* working on your behalf right now.

    hugs from someone who understands the intensity of it all.