Tuesday, February 4, 2014

First Impressions

Are you nervous? I looked over at Ben before we got out of the car.

"No. We traveled across the country to meet a woman pregnant with a baby that she wanted to give us. All on our own. The moment before we knocked on Rebekah's door was terrifying. This is easy in comparison." (Read about that experience, here)

So true.

We walked through agency doors to a love fest. Our case workers/supervisors were excited to see us, again, and oogled over recent pictures of our boys. Sweet Boy and Little Sister's case worker retold the story of how she found out about us. She had mentioned to our case worker that the goal had been changed for the kids on her case load. Our case worker whipped out our Christmas card picture and said, "You have to pick my family!" Everyone laughed. I thanked God for his providence.

Foster mom walked in with a pink covered car seat. She had dropped Sweet Boy off at preschool when birth mom did not show up for her visit, today. Watching her unzip the bundle was like waiting for Christmas.

I was about to see my newest lovie for the first time...

I had to bite back a laugh. Based on the phone description of the children, I was fully expecting a beautiful brown darling, but instead a very white and rosy, blue-eyed baby popped out (with wisps of reddish hair). Clearly the file was not altogether accurate.

She is every bit of perfect. Smiley, happy, healthy.

Foster mom, proudly, handed her to me and I cared for her during our visit.

For two hours we shared stories of our boys and dreamed together of all the fun and trouble the three would accomplish together. Sweet boy seems to be a beautiful mix of Ty and LJ. From skin color to personality, he resembles both of them in so many ways. Every other story I could relate to one of my own. I thanked God for hand-picking the right little people for our family. They each bring something to the table that the other needs. I love that.

I was in thankful awe of Foster Mom. We need more of her. She and her husband are faithful Christians, active in their church and community. Her generous spirit overflowed into every part of our conversation. She was emotional talking about transition time and her reason for requesting the placement. I couldn't thank her enough for her love. and time. and commitment.

She told me about all of the experiences that her family had shared with Sweet Boy and the growth they've seen in him.

I asked her to be a part of our lives forever.

We had such a mutual respect for one another, making decisions on how to progress was easy. One of the workers commented on how unusual, but refreshing, our camaraderie was. I don't understand why it would be any other way.

Based on all the conversation we had, today, I believe our transition will be smoother than expected. I still can't believe I'm bringing a baby home! Adding another four year old doesn't seem like a big stretch... "Add him to the pile..." (In Ben's words), but a baby? Not a part of our plan.

When we left the agency, I told Ben that I didn't feel normal. I feel like most women experience love-at-first-sight encounters and are smitten with their new children (adoptive or otherwise), instantly. I never do. I am fully on board this new adventure and can't wait to bring these lovies home, but I do not feel an overwhelming maternal bond - or even an underwhelming one, for that matter.

Ben agreed that I'm not normal...
...but, also, reminded me that I felt this way about each of our children (why discriminate now?)

I hesitate to even voice such things out loud. It doesn't sound so bad in my head. But, I try to stay true to this blog and give you my experiences in a raw format.

Yes, I get handed children and, initially, feel no earthly love, attachment, kinship, or bond. BUT (Thank goodness for God's redeeming "but"), my heart is overtaken by the love of the Father for these treasures. And I will care for them, knowing love is on its way.

We will spend our first day together as a family of six, this Friday. Both lovies should be moved in by next Friday.

What a wonderful day...so full of promise and purpose.

Five years ago, I was still crying out to God in devestation and heartache. My heart cry, today?

Thank you, Lord for not healing my womb in your power.

Thank you for guiding us to a path better than our own...for opening our eyes to see this small slice of the world through yours.


35 comments:

  1. Rebekah, I just realized I've been following your blog for years. Before Ty. Before LJ. Before these two new little ones.

    I have loved reading your stories. I know they're intensely personal, so I appreciate you sharing what you do. Thank you for your candor and for your openness to God's plan for your family. Praying for you as you make this next big transition!!

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    1. Yes, you were among the very first blogs I followed! :)

      Every time I see pictures of your family, I think of all the encouragement you offered in those early years...

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  2. Beautiful. Wonderful. Amazing.

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  3. Praying for smooth transitions....

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  4. Eeek!!! Baby girl!!! And 4 yr old boys are so awesome :)

    Where does he fall in place with the birth order?

    CAN'T wait to see (read) how this plays it! Many prayers for y'all!

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    1. Christine,
      Follows birth order! Ty is 2 months older than LJ and LJ is a little more than 2 months older than Sweet Boy! :)

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    2. Aaahh! I was wondering about that. So great!

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  5. WOW! That is so awesome! I can't wait to hear about all your lovies and their move into their home!

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  6. Blessings upon blessings are in store for you and Ben, yet again. Enjoy every moment, good ,bad, and ugly just for what it is for God makes all things beautiful.

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  7. eeeek! I'm so excited! By the way, I don't feel an instant maternal bond right away either - with my kids, my dogs, anything. It takes me awhile but when that bond comes, it is fierce, as I know yours is too:). Be well!

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  8. Eeek!! Soo excited for your precious family! Prayers and ((hugs))!!!

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  9. Wonderful news! Exciting times for you all-- enjoy!! :). We are just finishing our licensing and I am realllllly excited. And terrified! Heather

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  10. Oh Rebekah! So excited for you and so appreciate your truthful honest words and perspective! God is certainly with you and your husband! I think the whole world should read your blog!

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  11. Oh, I'm so excited for your family!! Praying for everyone to feel the rds hand on you as you walk forward in his loving care.

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  12. two things:
    1. you are not alone with the instant love because i did not instantly bond with moseby. it wasn't the flood of love i expected. probably because his birth mom had just given birth & so much could change. it took a good six months to feel like a mama bear with him. but now? ohmyword, the love is so strong. i think the adoption world kinda sweeps that under the rug--the "love that grows" bit--but it's very real. you are not alone. :)

    and 2. i feel the same away--i am glad god gave made me infertile after mary margaret. oh my word, i love moseby so very much, but there is no way i could have biologically created him myself. (i am adopted as well and my mom says the exact same thing--that she and daddy couldn't have made me, but they were made to be my parents.)

    i am so excited for y'all!

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  13. As I read every word of your story, there is no way to deny that the hand of God has been and is with you and your family all along...even in the smallest details like the birthday order. What wonderful news all of this is! Praying for you, Ben, Ty and LJ, and sweet boy and little sister! Much love!! xo

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  14. I love your story. I just wanted to pop in and say you aren't alone in the instant bonding. I didn't bond instantly with my son after giving birth. I loved him and would do anything for him, but it wasn't an instant bond. It took me a long time to get over the guilt of that. And to be ok with that is how I am and it doesn't mean I love him less. I'm a little concerned that the same will happen with the baby brother due any day, but I will be ok if it does.

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  15. Rebekah, I absolutely love following your journey! Your words and faith in our heavnely Father are such a blessing! May these two new lovies fill your home with even more love.

    - Amy

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  16. Beautiful. Can't wait to hear your new adventures with your newest blessings.

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  17. So happy for your beautiful family of 6! 4 little lovies to LOVE! Guided on this journey by God. That's awesome news. Can't wait to see pics of Baby Girl and Sweet Boy! Best to your family always!

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  18. I can't even remember how I stumbled upon your blog about a year ago...but I have enjoyed reading it. I love your courage and faith. Today you said something which resonated with me. We were so blessed to have a biological child after a long infertility battle. On the day he was born...I felt pretty much nothing. I was so shocked that I didn't get that TV overwhelming love for my child moment. And...even though knew I loved him and would do anything for him...the wave did not come for some time. I did not know this little person yet....and over the weeks following his birth...it came....and I would then just look at him and my chest would tighten up and I would catch my breath and that overwhelming, suffocating love would fill me. And I would thank God for lending him to us. When I was finally brave enough to admit this to my girlfriends....about half of them admitted it went the same way for them. So....don't worry at all about not "falling" immediately....you do have that maternal love deep inside you....it is what is calling you to bring these babies home....The crazy, head spinning love will come....it always does. So very excited to follow this journey of yours. Praying along with you as you put your faith in Him to guide you through the process.
    Kd

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  19. Looking forward to reading about this next chapter God has planned for your lives. Thanks for your honesty, I think you will find that there are quite alot of us who dont feel that overwhelming love at first sight but boy does it come in time!!! It is so important for us Mums to share these feelings with each other to avoid feeling alone and isolated!
    Praying for this transition to be a smooth one by the grace of God!
    Sending you love and best wishes
    Em
    from Australia

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  20. Amazing news! Many prayers and hugs!

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  21. Such excitement! Thanks for sharing and being honest. Exciting to see how God is moving. Three boys and a girl! Eeek! I love it.
    Notofourhands.blogspot.com

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  22. one of my favorite blogs (and posts). I love the honesty. I, too, did not have that instant overwhelming connection with my daughter(adopted). I carried so much guilt about it, in fact a little still lingers. But I love her and her brother now more than anything. I tell people that sometimes as an adoptive mama it takes a while for your head/heart to catch up. We don't typically have the 9 months to plan for that particular child, but doesn't mean we will love them any less. So excited for your sweet family!

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  23. "Thank you Lord, for not healing my womb"....I've been reading since those days as well and what a blessing it is to be able to write (and read!) those words! It is SO TRUE that he makes all things new! I have faced infertility as well, now have a little one, but my heart has been opened to foster care in so many ways. We attended our first foster care meeting the other night to discern where God is leading us, so please keep us in your prayers as well!

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  24. It's so amazing how God works that I can be so excited for complete strangers, but I am! :) I read that entry with a huge smile on my face, the entire post. I can't wait to follow your family along on this new chapter. I will be praying! :)

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  25. I did not feel that instant love with any of my kids either. Forever or fosters.
    So glad to hear how wonderful it all seems to be going so far. I love hearing stories of shocking social workers. It's God that does that, because we follow God and it plays out so well.

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  26. Thank you for sharing. I am amazed at your perspective.
    You know how people sometimes say (when things aren't going according to OUR plans) that God's plans must be so much bigger and better? You are proof that it's true- God's will is so much better than our "plans".

    Praying for your transition. Can't wait to read your updates!

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  27. Ty may finally be getting that baby sister he has been telling you about for 2 years! So happy for your family!

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  28. thinking of you and ben and the boys and the new little siblings ALL.THE.TIME!!! praying for a smooth transition filled with loads of love love love xx Lin xx

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  29. I keep checking to read about how Friday went!

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  30. Alrighty! I guess I've been gone a while, because I did not know about the two new additions...wow! Love your heart and reading about someone who struggles with similar issues. I've never felt an instant love, but it does eventually catch up.

    We were nearly placed with a sibling group of three last week, which would have brought our total to seven kids. So thankful for God's sovereignty and that we can know He has a master plan at work....its not up to us and that's so relieving!

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