If you're easily offended please stop reading.
Everyone keeps using words like "Congratulations" and asking, "Aren't you excited?!?!"
I try to smile politely and nod, yes. But, excitement is not a word I would use to describe what I'm feeling.
I know it will come in the future.
I know we will look back and connect the blessings and cry with joy.
Today, I am anxious. I'm nervous to bring them home; concerned that they'll leave; worried about Sweet Boy and how to help him heal; terrified at the thought of what our life will look like with four littles; and (honestly?) unsure that I can really do this.
I was driving home the other day and, nearly, let panic overcome me. Life as I know is about to change in every way....and that is not comfortable.
I like comfortable!
Of course, as Believers, we are to be anxious about nothing. I know that deep down in my innermost parts. I do. I know it will be okay. I know that God will meet us. I know goodness will follow because we're walking in the will of God. I know all these things.
But, in the realness of these moments...the moments before our life changes forever, my insides are chaos. I wish I was stronger and could say that my feelings aren't fleeting and that my heart is always steady. But that's not real. Not for me.
The flip side in these manic moments is that I am able to draw from a well of peace. God only lets me get so far in my thoughts before he reels me in....assures me of HIS love...his power to overcome...his sufficient grace.
I am so thankful for his faithfulness to me. That my thoughts don't bring rebuke and my rawness isn't answered with wrath. I understand why his love is perfect...because it never fails me.
In the midst of my most fearful thoughts, he whispers in the wind...
We decided to be selfish and hold off from picking up Sweet Boy and Little Miss until Saturday. The last three-ish weeks have been so chaotic, Ben and I feel a lack of connection. We've been running separate ways trying to prepare...and we miss each other! Thankfully, foster mom was thrilled to keep the kids another day and even offered to keep our boys, so that we could have a date night.
So, that's what we're gonna do. Go to dinner, reconnect, and enjoy our love. We'll worry about our new life in the morning (smile).
I am so thankful for Ben; truly. I don't know another man that would have walked this path with me, so patiently and passionately, unhindered. What God has given us is special...I know he will meet us.
I've been digging this song, lately...and have been singing it as a prayer for my kids.
In the end, through my failing thoughts and frustrations, I pray that my kids will have seen him through me...
Thank you for standing with our family. We love you all.