Our life is crazy, right now.
The boys looked so handsome in their Easter wear, today, but the constant energy required to keep up with two two year olds, left me not caring whether or not we snapped a family picture. I regret it now...
We sat at the table for a plated family dinner, but before I could take a bite both boys, uncharacteristically, spilled their milk...at the same time. They screamed as milk poured down my tablecloth, into their food, and onto their laps. I laughed because, really, I just wanted to cry, too.
Some days are better than others. We have seen remarkable progress in LJ, already, but it doesn't make this time any less exhausting.
LJ's incessant crying has lessened, but his attitude has not. He thinks he's king of the castle and consistently responds to our instructions with "I don't WANT to do that," or "No, I WON'T do that," or (my personal favorite) "Put me down, right now!"
And Bravo isn't the only one giving us grief. Alpha has found that if he mimics the new guy's behavior, he gets just as much attention - albeit negative.
On top of the two years of undoing and emotional turmoil, we're also dealing with normal sibling stuff - fighting, tattling, instigating, etc.
God has given Ben and me a tremendous amount of patience to keep up the bad cop/bad cop routine. We are strong, united, and consistent. We take turns tagging in and out and have managed to keep our humor. Speaking in army code helps.
At one point, this weekend, while the kids were playing in the backyard, Ben said, "I have an idea. Why don't we run in and shut the door. Whichever one of them comes in alive, we'll keep."
It is completely God's grace that keeps us going.
The most difficult part, right now, is watching Ty struggle. LJ is struggling too...but he still feels like someone else's kid. Watching Ty pull away as LJ comes close is difficult. Knowing that his misbehavior is only a result of the upheaval we've introduced is weighty. Twice, this weekend, Ty had the opportunity to play at the park and instead he chose to cuddle on the bench with me, nestling his head into my neck, as LJ played.
It breaks my heart.
I KNOW that we are all being stretched in really good ways and that a year from now we will look back and wonder how we ever lived without LJ, but right now, in the midst, it's really tough to hold on and watch your first born work it out.
We are doing what we can to give individual time to each boy, but it never feels like enough.
I just keep entrusting them back to my heavenly Father. It's all I can do. We had such a sweet time of worship, tonight, with the boys before bed. Ben started bringing his guitar into the boys' room. We all pile into one bed and sing praise and worship.
Both boys were all smiles, tonight, when we sang "Deep and Wide" with coordinating hand motions. Mommy was all tears when we broke into Amazing Grace. I held Ty's hand and listened to LJ hum.
My heart is full. Even in this trying time, God's goodness is like a sun-shining day. It just pours through the windows of my soul, illuminating the incredible plan laid out for my family.
Don't you just love how you can feel torn to bits, but in an instance, God brings warmth and healing and tape. He puts your bits back together, calls you beloved, and paints a new tomorrow.
What a beautiful, beautiful God.