Monday, July 5, 2010

Where oh where could my baby be?

[Sorry about the music - it's from the sideshow on the last post. I'll have to blog a lot to get if off this page! :)]

I look at pictures from our weekend and wonder what happened to my baby boy? Last year on the 4th we were driving home with our new son for the first time, weeks after his birth. Now he's a growing, active, independent spirit that throws out kisses and tantrums in equal doses. Our first year with him has been a revolving door of exciting change and growth, but, now, I find myself sad. Sad that I just packed up the last remnants of baby...Ty's bottles.

I'm not overly sensitive or sentimental, but there was something about sealing that last bin, knowing that it will probably never be opened again...for our use, anyway.

I was recently at a party where girls talked baby, pregnancy, and the like. Most were newly weds or soon to be weds and infertility clearly hadn't tainted their worlds. One by one they went around the room talking about their future family plans as knots curled in my stomach. Ug.

It didn't ruin my night. I didn't go home and sulk. It just made a corner of my heart sad.

I wish that our family "planning" didn't involve loss and destruction to other mothers. I wish the process didn't have the ability to suck all the life and energy from us. I wish it could all be easier.

Ahhh. But what can you do? Nothing. At least this process has ingrained one very important trait in me - patience.  I know God's not done with us.

Tonight, I'm pushing away the sad thoughts, moving past the abandoned bottles, and remembering the sheer joy this boy has brought to our lives...


(By the way I posted a tutorial for this tee over at Thrifty Heart).


  1. "Yes, yes and YES." I was thinking that reading through your post. It's hard to verbalize those feelings and I"m still working on it. Thanks for your honesty.

  2. Thank you--I needed this today. After a wonderful weekend spent with extended family (and lots of kids, babies and talk about both) it was like a little sign to read your post tonight. I feel those things too, and I realize that it's OK to feel sad and to cry (like I did today in the parking lot of the grocery store). So, thank you for reminding me that I'm not the only one.

  3. That was a really touching post. Thanks for sharing it.

  4. i guess it's like they say... it kills you to see them grow up, but it would kill you faster if they didn't.

  5. Oh my goodness he melts my heart! He looks so cute and grown up in his shorts.

    What can I say about infertility? Ive never experienced it, yet your words help me understand your pain if not just a little.
    Gods perfect timing is hard to understand...this truth I am learning a great deal about lately.

    Much Much Love,

  6. I feel you, big time! But I love the fact that you're pushing that sadness away and focusing on what's good...and on the fact that you know the story will continue, even though you don't yet know how.

    I'm surprised Ty is done with bottles already. C isn't there yet...or maybe it's his mama? No...I'm pretty sure he still needs them, at least for a little while longer. :)

    Love the new photos, he is beginning to look so grown up. Just wait until after the first real hair cut. *sigh*



  7. I feel your pain. On many counts. I LOVE the line "I wish our family planning didn't involve loss and destruction to other mothers". As both an adoptive and birthmom, that hits my heart hard.
    I remember you getting Ty and being so excited. I had no idea we were getting Vivi just days later. God had His own plan doesn't He? I feel blessed to be able to walk this jouney with you, Ty, Melanie, and Charlie.
    Here's to our *sigh* toddlers.

  8. short word for him.


  9. He is getting so big. It is sad to pack away the bottle. I am sure it's hard sometimes knowing that your baby is growing and won't be a baby much longer. I love how you cherish every moment---priceless.
    Love ya,

  10. we're getting ready to pack up our crib soon. It breaks my heart. I tear up just typing it. We have a deal, my toddler and me, he gets potty trained and he gets a big-boy bed. I never thought I would see the day that I would be excited about him having an accident. :) I kid, I kid...kind of.

  11. everytime i see new pictures of him, i just can't help but think he might be the cutest little man ever!

  12. Ive never experienced infertility...but the thought of my greatest joy being someone else's greatest pain is unimaginable. Also, I cant imagine something so intimate being so...public...agencies, courts, etc.

    But Jesus knows that pain better than anyone I guess...he could only get his children through adoption too :) And in order to get them he had to die for about not easy! :) Keep on keepin on, God definitely isn't done with you three yet!

  13. Can he get any cuter? Seriously. Rebekah I struggle so much with this. Today I was holding my friend's 3 year old daughter and as I was carrying her I thought to myself that I could love a child that I did not carry in my womb as much as my own biological child but we are so far from it. We haven't even started the adoption process...we are just waiting and it's killing me slowly (at least it feels that way). I've seen friends that just got married get pregnant, friends that are already looking for their 2nd and 3rd child. Infertility is such a hard silent struggle and unless you go through it, it is impossible to understand that the inability to have a child could cause so much pain.

    I am going to start praying about the way the Lord will give Ty a brother or sister. I know that He is already at work (even if it doesn't feel like it).

    Thank you for sharing your heart with us.


  14. I'm interested to know why you are giving up on having another newborn...we are in the "waiting" time for our second child, so I'm interested to hear what other adoptive mothers feel like after the first one. For us, waiting this time around is so much easier because whenever I start to doubt, I just remember what God did in our first we doubted and worried, yet He had it planned all along.

    Hang in never know what God has planned!

  15. Hi, a friend of mine turned me on to your blog. I love the way you write, straight from your heart. Your story is so similar to mine it is crazy. I don't want to share more than that here but just know you are not alone. That word "patience" is just the hardest one, and the story of my life. :)

  16. I remember the first time I washed one of my son's outfits and realized that it was now too small and he would never be able to wear it again. I sat down in the middle of the floor and cried. Freaked my husband out. He finally said "Are you going to this every time he grows out of something?" I told him, "I don't know. I've never been a mommy before." Sometimes I still feel a sadness at this, but now at least I know that there is such blessing with each stage. Thanks for sharing your Little Man. He's such a sweetie.

  17. I can relate to your sad heart corner, completely. Our girl is only 4.5 months old and I'm feeling sad as she outgrows her (9 month) outfits..haha. I have a close friend who is pregnant and while I am beyond overjoyed for her, a part of me still longs for control of my own body so that we could begin planning for a sibling. I understand it's possible to love your Ty with every ounce of your being and still long for a say in the future.

  18. Aww he is the cutest. Evertime I follow your blog it make me smile to see his little face. He has grown so much. I remeber you posting last year you couldn't wait to take him home you were were stuck. The first pictures of Ty and your little vacation with the picture of him by the dinosuar and your smile on your face as you hold him. Just so precious. I can't believe how big and handsome he is. I don't care if he is one 5 or 20 you will be sad about how much he is growning. We got Justin at 4 and he is 5 going to be 6 in Novemeber and I looked at him a few days ago and told my husband he doesn't have that baby face no more he is growing up so fast. He will say you don't have to kiss me mom in front of all my friends and I keep telling my husband he can't grown up this quickly alread we have only just begun but it is happening and it make me sad too. So you will feel this again on the next milestone Ty goes through. And even if you decide not to adopt another baby it is ok. I am also looking to adopt another child and not an infant. I will e-mail and let you know.

  19. I just got some really good kisses today. So I'm glad he's growing up. Feeling for you, but know there's lots of joys ahead.

  20. oh, the packing away of the baby stuff gets me, too. (i keep thinking - this is it, the last paci, the last tiny onesie, the last tiny bathtub, - i know we don't KNOW, but still ...)

    and the trauma of adoption.

    and the pain of infertility.

    it all just has a way of creeping in, and thankfully ... back out. for a time.

  21. Love that boy!! I agree with From the stork...doesnt matter what age or how many you milestones pass new joys come, but there is always a little saddness from the time passed. Love you.

  22. He's getting so big! What wonderful pics and memories! Have a blessed weekend.

  23. I hear you, girl. This kind of conversation makes a corner of my heart sad too! When I was younger I too dreamed of not only pregnancy and babies, but of falling in love and getting married. Those dreams have not come true and at the age of 44.5 I have acknowleged to God that I know that it is a very distinct possibility that they never will. I'm still thrilled for you that you got to adopt Ty. I think of you often and wish we could be friends in real life. Sometimes your blog just makes me wish I coluld just give you a big hug!! So, I ask Rebekah's friends in real life- please give her an extra big hug for me!! Thanks!
    HUGS for u, Rebekah!! Love, Tracy in Iowa
    It seems the only way I can post to this blog is as "Anonomous", which I really don't want to be!!!!

  24. "I wish that our family "planning" didn't involve loss and destruction to other mothers."

    Thank you for acknowledging this! As a first mom I know how rare it is for an adoptive mom to validate the loss involved for us fmom's. Thanks for getting it since so few seem to.

    And OMG he's about the cutest thing I've ever seen, except for my own of course ;-)