Thursday, July 15, 2010

Birth Siblings

 Rebekah's Kids


I've talked about our decision not to refer to Rebekah's kids as Ty's siblings, before, but wanted to bring it up, again, after reading this month's issue of Adoptive Families magazine.  That decision wasn't based on any supernatural insight or anything; it just felt right.  Ben and I definitely want to adopt again and we don't want Ty to be confused on our family unit. I had visions of him going to school, being asked how many brothers and sisters he has, and answering, "Well....I have two brothers and a sister that live with me (wishful thinking), my birth mom has four living with her, my birth dad has one living with him, but others that he's adopted/lived with from past girlfriends and calls them his own..." You get the picture. All a bit overwhelming for a six year old.

The decision seems natural to me, as a daughter of divorced parents, who are now with other people that have children. When someone asks me how many siblings I have I answer "3" because that's how many I grew up with - the others didn't come until I was married and well into adulthood.

What Ty chooses to call Rebekah's kids when he fully understands their place in his life, is up to him. The same goes for Rebekah.  If at 10 [pulled out of thin air], Ty decides to start calling Rebekah mom and her kids brothers and sisters, I won't have a problem with that. It's his life, his story. I'm secure enough in my position that it won't bother me or make me envious.  Until we get to that point, however, Ben and I have to make his decisions for him, based on how the Holy Spirit guides and directs us.

All of that to say, it was very confirming, this week, to read that our choice comes recommended by adoption experts.  The AF article stated how important birth siblings are to adopted kids and that most adopted children want to have some type of relationship in the future, even more than their desire to know their birth moms.

This makes a lot of sense to me. I can see how adopted children would crave that relationship and want to foster friendships with people just like them, genetically.  Then take it a step further and think about the emotions/challenges that are linked to a birth mom that may not exist with birth siblings - feelings of abandonment, confusion, difficulty understanding why. [Insert note: I'm speaking in general terms here. My prayer is that our openness with Rebekah will dull the intensity of these emotions in Tyrus, although I do realize they will exist.]  The relationship with birth siblings is probably easier because there is minimal confusion clouding the view. Rebekah's kids didn't make an adoption plan for Ty...Rebekah did.

This topic really fascinates me, so I started to do some research.  I found this article by AF magazine that further explains why waiting to call birth siblings siblings is important. Cognitively children don't come to understand genetics until about age nine. The author (Lois Melina) writes, "To a child, brothers and sisters are the people who share the experience of growing up together. It can be difficult for a young child to think of a much older brother or sister as a sibling if they did not grow up together—even if they were raised by the same parents, in the same household. While adoptive parents and birthparents may long for their children to have a close relationship, or at least an understanding of each other’s significance, this isn’t going to happen by labeling them as “siblings” before they are old enough to understand what that means."

The article also goes on to talk about the guilt that adopted children may feel when they see what they have/the opportunities they've been given in relation to their birth siblings. Ben and I wonder this often and are curious to see how Ty's relationship with his birth family will evolve.
I really enjoy educating myself on some of these issues, even though they're pretty far down the road for us.  Whenever I meet an adopted person, I try to ask as many questions as they'll allow. Their experience is gold to me. Ultimately, we rely on the guidance of the Holy Spirit to be the best parents we can, but God also puts people in our lives to be vessels of that wisdom. I eat it up!

I would love to hear all sides of this issue if you want to leave a comment, below. I'm interested in hearing how other adoptive families are addressing birth siblings, the adoptees take on the whole subject, and, of course, the first mom perspective (Are we being insensitive? Is it hurtful that your children are not referred to as siblings?) I hope this can foster some good discussion.

Feel free to email me too, if that's easier.


34 comments:

  1. I always loved this picture. Ill have to blog about this subject tomorrow from a birthmothers perspective. But, for now, I was completely in sink with your thinking on calling only the children that were in Ty's home his siblings. Its just to confusing. Its not like your telling him he doesnt have other siblings, your just waiting until he is at an age that he can understand what that truly means. :)

    Rebekah

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  2. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this since we aren't directly in that type of situation. If I were in the situation, I think my preference would be to refer to the other children as my child's siblings. I would explain how they don't live with us, but they live with the child's birthparents. I think that it is just part of who your child is and his/her story.

    That being said, I also think that you and your husband need to decide what's best for Ty and for your family.

    Just curious - is this a topic you've talked about with Rebekah? How does she feel (if you don't mind sharing?)

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  3. I've never adopted so I can't speak from my point of view but I had always thought it would be best not to consider them siblings just because the adopted child may wonder why they were singled out for adoption while the others weren't.

    And I completely understand the whole school situation when identifying your siblings. My husband has a hard time with that. He has (I think) 14 brothers and sisters, though only 4 full brothers, everyone else is a half-brother or half-sister. It's confusing to say the least and he only grew up with a handful of them because he was one of the youngest. So he only talks about the siblings he's closest to. As for me, I grew up with one sister and found out as an adult that I had another half-sister who was three years younger. When asked how many siblings I have, I say one

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  4. Hi... I found my birthdaughter on FB last Oct. and it was great when she called my children her brothers.. I don't think I would feel bad though that when asked if she just included the brother that she grew up with. It's simliar to my step brother.. I really just don't count him. Nothing personal. I just don't feel that bond with him, because I didn't grow up with him.

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  5. I agree to wait until he is old enough to understand genetics, for now having a mom and birthmother is enough. My son's birthmother don't have any other children yet. We are hoping to adopt another baby, we are talking to a young pregnant girl, she had her first son at 17 and is now considering adoption for her second baby. "If" things work out we will most likely refer to his/her half sibling as his/her birthmother's son, until he /she is old enough to understand.

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  6. ok i really want that magazine, is it a monthly subscription?
    our situation is also different (surprise, surprise, aren't all adoptions?!) graydens half-siblings dont even know he exists as of right now, so I haven't given it a ton of thought but for sure will be letting him make that call. same goes for what he refers to his birthparents as, ie, by their first names, etc.
    thanks for sharing you heart!

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  7. Kate, the Adoptive Families magazine is bimonthly and well worth the $15 or $20 a year! I've been getting it since before Ty came along and there are a lot of really great articles regarding every stage and type of adoption. I highly recommend it!! :)

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  8. My husband and I had the same conversation recently. We have two little girls that were adopted at birth.(They are 3 months apart in age) Both girls have many birth siblings. We never refer to them as their sisters and brothers, because right now we want our daughters to develop a strong bond. I cannot to begin to imagine how confusing it would be to introduce another sister to them right now. My oldest daughter, who is almost 5, has a sister who is 12. She is having a horrible time knowing she has another little sister, why her birthmom kept having children, etc. They chose to tell her about having another sister. Just watching all the angst it has caused it makes us feel much better about our decision.
    We have an open adoption with my youngest daughters family, recently the state obtained custody of the birthmothers children. It looks like possibly she will lose her rights to them. Again, we really do not want to introduce them as her siblings only to never see them again.

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  9. I think it all sounds healthy for Ty. Adoption relationships can be very confusing.
    I have found this to be true with my own children who were quite young when I first reunited with my biological family and do not understand some of the relationships. The topic seems to always be coming up because they need to clarify who each person is and they are compelled to label everyone. It's not easy.
    There are four people who have a different perspective seeing as they DID live with Ty for 9 months and are not allowed to consider him their brother. Rebekah's older children. I've seen from both blogs that they are truly hurting about how they should regard Ty and being told they are not to consider him their brother. It must be very difficult for them to understand how all of this works.
    It must also be difficult for you to observe their pain being the compassionate person and mother that you are.

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  10. It is certainly not a Leave It To Beaver sitution. I can agree that they should not be called siblings until they are old enough to understand. Family dynamics gets so confusing all the way around. My step granddaugher has 1 step sister and 2 half brothers on her dads side which she visits every other weekend. She has 1 half brother and 1 half sister on her mom's side and this is the life she lives everyday of the week. My neices and nephews have so many half brothers/sisters I am not sure they can even keep up with who they are related to. Life is not so simple but keeping it simple in your own little family sounds like a good idea.

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  11. I have a question that maybe someone on here can answer. I totally agree with the decision you have made. I have an open adoption with the family I placed my little girl with. I wasn't married nor did I have any other children at the time. I am now married and have a baby. Are there any suggestions on how to explain who Paige is when he gets older? Do I say "Paige is our special friend who came out of mommy's tummy before I met daddy"? And at what age? Obviously she is a part of our lives and always will be but I just don't know how to explain our situation to a little child. He is only 6 months old but I kind of want to have a game plan.

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  12. I guess my question is, what if the birth siblings are not good for your child?

    I don't think there is a perfect answer. Adoption is just as unique as the people who create it. Following your heart, and God's will is the only way to do what's best for your family.

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  13. Interesting topic! Evie has 4 birth siblings, 2 from her birth mother and 2 from her birth father. One of them is, tragically, deceased. Her birth father's remaining son is older (17) and met Evie at her baptism and I would like them to meet again and have a relationship once Evie begins to understand her adoption. She's on the cusp of starting to understand, but isn't there yet. I hope he will be open to having a relationship with her, although he is a teenager and so might not be "into it" for a few years, until he is more mature? I plan to call him her "birth brother." She also has 2 siblings on her birth mother's side and her birth mother hasn't told those children about Evie at all, so a relationship is impossible at this point. I will tell Evie about them, and hope that some day she'll be able to meet them and have a relationship, but I just don't know what will happen there.

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  14. I think that either way would work. I totally understand both issues of calling them siblings or not, although I have never been maried or have had any children. I am sorry that I called my sisters kids Ty's siblings though. I didn't understand that you guys were going this route, but I completely respect it. ;-)

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  15. My birthson, Colin, is 12, and I am now parenting my 2.5 year old son, Jeb. Colin's birthdad is now parenting his 8 year old son, so Colin has 2 birth-brothers. Colin refers to both of them as his brothers, and Jeb LOVES talking about his "big brother". It just flows in our family. It's not confusing, because it's just how our family is. I am a firm believer that these things don't have to be "confusing" if the adults are confident in how they talk to the kids about it. Jeb isn't confused, because this is his norm. Big brother doesn't live with us, but we see him. He'll be exposed to families of all types, and this is his, so why should it be so confusing? Colin isn't confused, in fact, he really enjoys taking ownership of his brothers, they give him more roots.

    It works for us in our family, I totally respect each family's decision to do what's best for them. Personally, I think it would be more confusing to introduce the word 'brother' later on and have to explain why we didn't call them brothers all along. Just my $.02 :)

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  16. Both of my children have birth siblings. We do not call them brother or sister because they are each other's siblings. But we do say "your birthmom is parenting E and S." Not she "kept them" or "gave you up for adoption". How we phrase things is really, really important for children who are having an emerging understanding of adoption relationships. We have an interesting situation with a birthsibling coming up which I will be blogging about in the next week and in this case he will be referred to as their "brother"....so stay tuned!!

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  17. As an adoptee, I think you've made a good choice. It IS confusing to keep it all straight. I have 5 older brothers (that I grew up with), and discovered a few years back that I also have an older sister and younger brother from my birth mother (but all different fathers). I don't have much of a relationship with my half-birth-brother (keep *that* straight!), but I do with my sister. It does get really confusing, however, when I talk about her to anyone who knows me enough to either know, or know about, my family. So then I end up having to get into the WHOLE story... "So, I was adopted.... yada yada..." I sometimes purposely don't talk about her just because I don't feel like getting into it all the time. I'm thankful that I didn't have to keep all of this straight while I was growing up. It would have been much more confusing then. Not to mention all the "oh, so your REAL sister/brother" comments I would have gotten. Don't even get me started on that one! :)

    Blessing to you and your beautiful family. I've enjoyed keeping up with your journey this last little bit.

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  18. Wow, thanks for posting. I just enjoyed everyone's responses! I will for sure keep this in mind if our match goes through, as our little baby will have an older birth-half-brother. Like The Chetney 3 said, keep *that* straight. Lol!

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  19. I do not mean any disrespect by this but how do you plan to explain to Ty that all the other brothers and sisters stayed with Rebekah but he was blessed by being adopted. I think that will be a huge hurdle to jump. I just dont understand how you will explain this. So glad you are thinking of this now.

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  20. Very interesting post. This isn't something I've given much thought to since it doesn't apply to our situation but I like all the things you've said here. It makes sense to me that Ty's siblings will be the people who grow up with him in the same household. But I especially like that you have left the decision of what to call them in the future up to him/them. I think it's awesome that he has the room to grow into that in any way that works best for him.

    Melba

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  21. I was reunited with my natural family in 2008 and found out I have a brother and sister. I'm coming at this from a different place because my adoptive parents were abusive..in every way imaginable. But even if I'd grown up in a rainbows and sunshine household, that doesn't make my brother and sister any less a part of me.

    If my adoption had been open, I would hope that my aparents would not sugarcoat the relationship of siblingship (yes, I think I just made that word up, but I like it) by saying, "The kids that your mother is parenting"...

    Bottom line, they were kept and I wasn't. Nothing I can do about that now..it's just how it happened. But they ARE my brother and sister..regardless.

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  22. I don't understand why it would be so difficult to understand having a natural or (if you insist) birth 1/2 sibling. Either your natural mother or father had another child with someone else..that's my situation..not that complicated to get IMO.

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  23. So many different options to consider. IMO one chooses the best choice for their family. You weigh the options and consider what will work best. I think planning ahead is the right thing to do!

    I would love to read Rebekah's take from the birth mother's point of view. Can you provide the link to her page?

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  24. My family is so full of adoption that it was impossible to shelter my kids from how wonky our family truly is. Not that it would make any difference if it were more "normal" since I have never been one to hide or omit any part of their history.

    My eldest daughter is 12 and she knows as much about the family as I do but it is fairly recent knowledge for her as she just started asking questions about adoption about a year ago. My youngest daughter is 4 and she knows all about her siblings but not all about mine. For now that is how it will stay.

    To give you some background I am an adult adoptee in reunion as well as a first mom. My son was lost to a forced adoption when he was almost three, my eldest daughter lives with her father and has since she was 3 months old but the youngest has always been with me. I have 13 sibling from 10 parents. I was raised with one adopted brother, my adad remarried and had two bio daughters with his second wife (amom passed when I was 14), my adad is also an fdad (his daughter was surrendered when he was 18, we are reunited with her), my fmom has one daughter aside from me and one stepson, my fdad has one son who was born 6 months before me (kept by his mother,) 2 sons with his first wife and 2 sons plus 2 stepsons with his second wife.

    There is no way my 4 year old could comprehend my siblings but she does quite well understanding her own. She knows that her brother was adopted and that her sister lives with her dad, there is no confusion beyond her wondering why she can't know her brother. My eldest daughter is pissed right off that she can't know her brother and it is a constant source of stress for her since they live in the same area. She fears dating or even having any interest in boys and interrogates new friends to make sure they aren't related to her brother.

    In my opinion kids understand far more than we often give them credit for and omitting their relationships to others is a breeding ground for trust issues. Growing up knowing your own truth normalizes any situation but finding out later in life causes questions about so many things as well as wondering why you weren't told sooner. The choice is yours to make, of course, but I would opt to bring it up early and continue the dialogue throughout childhood, elaborating as the child matures. One of the reasons for telling a baby their adoption story is so you, as the parent, become comfortable telling it, the baby has no and clue what you are saying for the most part. The more casual and normal the story becomes for you the more information you are able to give, the more trusting and comfortable the child becomes about asking questions. Hiding anything in adoption, including siblings, makes the subject taboo and can make a child feel as though they shouldn't ask or know.

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  25. I agree with Christina. Ty's siblings are just that, his siblings. You will confuse him if you tell him something different. I'm reminded of a quote my M Scott Peck - "Mental health is the dedication to reality at all costs." Sometimes the truth does hurt, but dealing with reality is much better than dealing with a fantasy.

    Also, the term "birth sibling" is not correct. That implies his siblings gave birth to him!

    You have said many times that you consider Rebekah part of your family. Well that should apply to the kids she chose to keep as well. All one big happy family, right?

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  26. First of all, I totally respect whatever decisions you make for your family... I'm just thinking "out-loud" as it's a topic that's been on my mind lately (in regards to my own situation).

    I wonder about this from the other side... Do Rebekah's other children consider Ty their brother? If so, does this decision limit their ability to do so? How do you handle it if you are NOT referring to them as such and then you're visiting them and one of them calls Ty their brother? (Again, I'm really not trying to be judgmental... I'm thinking through a lot of the same questions myself from the other side.)

    I guess also am kind of surprised that, in a world where a huge percentage of children have step- and half-siblings they may or may not live with that a child would grow up defining siblings as those who live in the same home. I am an only child, so siblings were always kind of an abstract concept to me, anyway... but, I had twelve cousins from my parents' three siblings and only two of them were fully biologically related and living in the same home the majority of the time they grew up... and several of them have other half- and step- siblings who are not my cousins (though, I could see myself seeing and referring to some as such, were they a part of my life at all). My family avoided prefixes, so I just grew up with "brother" and "sister" to define anyone born to and/or living with one of my parents' siblings.

    I also wonder if it would be different if you were not planning to adopt again... if Rebekah's other kids were to remain Ty's only siblings? And, with your plans to adopt from foster care, if you adopt an older child who spent time with his bio-siblings as siblings, but you use a different phrase for Ty's bio-siblings, how would that work? (I ask that partially because my son's parents' plan is to either not adopt again or adopt an older child... so, again, it's something I've wondered in my own situation, as well.)

    I think there are a lot of decisions like this that, when the adoptive parents make for their immediate family unit, they make (intentionally or not) for the birthparents' immediate family unit(s), as well. For example: If my son's parents decide they will not refer to my future children as his siblings, then I am left without much of a choice in my own house. If I call my son my future kids' brother, but he doesn't see them as such, then I risk increased confusion/hurt for the children I'm parenting... and, if I believe/decide that I should refer to him as their brother but choose not to in order to avoid the additional confusion/hurt, then I am left feeling like I'm not doing right by the children I'm parenting (and possibly the one I'm not).

    (I hope that was at least mostly coherent...)

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  27. My husband and I told our two younger girls about their big sister when they were five and seven. Neither were old enough to understand genetics at the time but they got it and it really wasn't so complicated. They asked LOTS of questions and our rule of thumb was to answer every one honestly and directly with as little information as it took to answer the question. No elaboration unless they kept asking for more and that was rare. In turn, when people ask them about our family, they answer very directly.
    Another thought...they may not understand genetics but they look alike, share so many of the same interests, mannerisms and the list goes on. It is just very clear that they are sisters so if we had started out with a different description, that may have lead to confusion.

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  28. This is so complicated, isn't it? The adoption we had that fell through was for a baby that had two older sisters. My mom always worried what effect it would have on THOSE girls, seeing their baby sister placed for adoption. In the end, it wasn't an issue, but I'm not sure how we would have handled it. Thanks for the perspective.

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  29. This is a intresting subject. I think that your right- at least for now. I have two siblings. My brother,Chris, who I grew up with and who shares the same adoptive parents wityh me and my biological sister,Margaret, on my birth fathers side. She is 17 years younger than I am. I have them both listed on my Face Book page as siblings. I did not know I had a sister until I was 40 years old. I had always wanted a sister and I was thrilled to have the chance to met her. Now are only contact is through Face Book. I wish that I could have known her all her life. I have mised so much and I can not have that time back. I'm glad that Ty gets to know his birth siblings. I think your right- as far as Ty's younger yearas go it would be less confusing for him just to call the siblings he's growing up with his brothers and sisters. Love, Tracy T. from Iowa

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  30. Try inter-family adoption as we have done. Then, your great-nephew becomes your son, his second cousins become his brother and sister, his birthfather becomes his cousin, his great grandparents become his Nana and Poppy......like the rest of the first grandkids, his grandpa is his siblings uncle.......you get the idea!!

    Explaining to a child who was adopted appropriately for each developmental age and stage is what is important. Keep it very simple when they are little and young, give more details and explanation as they develope.
    My 10 yr. old has never been confused by the fact that he has a birth sister and a birth brother who do not live with him. He has met them and we have minimal contact. We use those terms just as we use birth mother and birth father. My 5 yr. old has less understanding that she has 4 birth siblings as she has never met or seen them and there is no contact.

    For all practical purposes, as with school projects, assisignments, etc., my children have each other....the 3 of them who are brothers and sisters growing, living, and developing relationships in our home.

    If you are open and honest in explaining to your child who they are, who and where they came from, who else is interwoven in their being here, there is very little 'confusion'. As they trust you, they accept.

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  31. I was thinking some more about this subject. Adoption loss is very real. When a birth parent or children lose a brother or a sister to adoption.. they lose so much. It reminds me of the time my husband was mad about me crying about my daughter and said that she wasn't my daughter. It hurt really bad because I lost so much already. Don't take that away from me too.

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  32. Our Alex also has a brother and a sister. When we meet up with his birth-mom she really pushes it on her kids "look J it's your brother Alex" "Look A it's your brother, give Alex a hug". Her kids are 2 and 3, and I don't think they understand who Alex is, other than maybe a friend of their moms. Alex is only 7 months old, so we don't talk to him to much about it right now. His birth mom said she would like for him to call her by her name, and I am thinking the same will go for the brother and sister. He will know them, but I don't feel like you need to push the words "brith mother, sister, and brother" on him all the time.

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  33. Well, my two cents... I don't understand what is so hard about explaing that there are different kinds of siblings. Some siblings are the ones that live with you; some siblings are the ones that were made by the same woman and man. Not hard.

    We prefer to use terms that honor connections rather than distance. What we have found is that terminology isn't what's confusing... it's relinquishment and adoption that are confusing. Whatever terminology you use, you have to answer questions and tell the story (over and over, filling in details as cognitive abilities grow). The terminology is largely a gateway to those discussions. So given that... again, we choose to use terminology that honors connections rather than terminology that emphasizes distance (and definitely rather than refusing to adopt any terminology at all, which seems to me hinders dialogue and questions by completely side-stepping or hiding the relationships.)
    Well, my two cents... I don't understand what is so hard about explaing that there are different kinds of siblings. Some siblings are the ones that live with you; some siblings are the ones that were made by the same woman and man. Not hard.

    We prefer to use terms that honor connections rather than distance. What we have found is that terminology isn't what's confusing... it's relinquishment and adoption that are confusing. Whatever terminology you use, you have to answer questions and tell the story (over and over, filling in details as cognitive abilities grow). The terminology is largely a gateway to those discussions. So given that... again, we choose to use terminology that honors connections rather than terminology that emphasizes distance (and definitely rather than refusing to adopt any terminology at all, which seems to me hinders dialogue and questions by completely side-stepping or hiding the relationships.)

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  34. While I really do understand the need to handle the situation with sensitivity, I think I would go with a more straight-forward approach. They ARE his siblings, and terminology doesn't change that. In the same way, any other children you parent will also really be his siblings. That's just going to be his reality.

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