I contacted our case worker on Friday that we were willing to be considered, but if selected, we have some serious questions and concerns before moving forward. I felt like I was telling her it was okay to choose another family...that we just aren't sure...but she emailed within a half hour asking me to write out our questions and concerns; they want to work through them with us.
I sent them off and enjoyed the weekend. I am okay with whatever direction we head in, from here.
Ben was out of town, which gave me lots of one-on-two time with the boys. I didn't talk about Lya or Jamar, unless they brought it up. Ty brought it up several times.
He told me about all the things he would teach his "baby" sister and how he would play barbies and house with her and that they could ballroom dance together. Such a tender heart.
LJ didn't say a word.
At one point, Ty and I were talking at dinner. He had asked me why so many kids don't have "Mumas and Daddys" and I looked over to see LJ crying. I scooped him up and showered him with affection and affirmation. When I asked him if he could tell me why he was sad, he shrugged his shoulders and held me tighter.
By Sunday, LJ wouldn't eat or play. He moped around the house waiting for Ben to come home. No matter how many times I told him that Daddy was coming home, I don't think he believed it until Ben walked through the door.
Looking back on our weekend, it's hard to imagine more kids in the house. LJ feels so deeply and his spirit is sensitive. We are limited in the movies we can watch, because of this. If we're watching a Disney movie (and we're talking rated G, mama-approved) and the character is sad or facing conflict, LJ will have tears streaming down his face. Even if he is on one of our laps, his little heart cannot handle the insecurity. He needs to know that we're all okay, all the time. That his world is safe and stable and constant. Ty doesn't even know to question it.
We've gotten good at recognizing LJ's cues. Even in the midst of discipline, sometimes we have to stop and hold him tight for several minutes, affirming his place in our family, before addressing the issue. He has also gotten better at letting us know when he's feeling uneasy. Lately, he's been coming to me and saying, "Mama. I feel sad." He can never verbalize why, but it's enough that he's able to tell us. This is a huge step forward.
After dinner, tonight, Ben said, "I just don't know if LJ's ready."
It's difficult to know.
He is a completely different boy, from the one we brought home two years ago, but the lingering insecurities will exist for a long time to come.
Part of me feels like it would be good for him to get to be an "older" brother. He would get the opportunity to lead the way; to guide a younger sibling. Especially one that is, noticeably younger than him.
We've been working on building LJ's confidence, thanks to the therapist. One of the easiest ways to do this has been to give him "important" jobs, giving him the opportunity to show us what he can do. Every time he completes a task, he beams with pride at his accomplishment. I feel like a younger sibling could really help his growth in this area.
At the same time, this wouldn't be a younger sibling that has lived a full, loved, well-adjusted life. We worry that the insecurity brought in by new siblings, with his same story, will add to his self doubt.
We need the Holy Spirit's direction more than we ever have before.
He knows my kids. All of them.
The ones we care for now; the ones we'll care for in the future. I have to trust that he will lead us in his way and that we'll all be the better because of it.
Please continue to pray for Lya and Jamar. Pray that their rescue is coming...