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Then the boys called, my day started, and I walked away, leaving my blissful dream under rumpled sheets and thick covers.
A week later, my errands included baby-buying gifts for two
women due in July. When my mind started to wonder, I turned my thoughts and
pressed beyond the grasp of the monster’s nail.
Then I got the news.
Glorious, exciting, the-day-we-prayed-for news. A young
couple we had been praying for got
pregnant after much heartache and trial. The insides of my heart beamed with
joy, but after a few minutes, the depths of my heart surfaced and I nearly
suffocated with the heaviness of what I felt.
Another club member left me for a more exclusive, wanted,
and sought-after mommy-by-birth membership.
And I felt alone.
I want to write this post so that you know the reality of
what I face and feel, but I hate myself for the honesty in it. I don’t want to feel this way… I don’t
want there to be conditions and limitations of my joy and support of others
because of my own inward battles. But, wrangling the head of my barren beast is
a war I’m so often too tired to fight.
The weird part is that it’s never about the carrying,
birthing, or feeding of a Ben and Rebekah formed child. It is always about the
ease of process, timing, and raising (a baby from birth). Here we are, three
years into adoption, and I’m still begging God for an easy button.
Some days I just want to close up shop, clap my hands, and
move on with life as a permanent family of four. But that is, truly, not what
God has put in my heart.
Because I’m confident that babies will not birth from my
belly, I’m asking God to settle my heart and whisper encouragement…while also
easing us into number three with extra grace and patience, as the measure we have is wearing very thin...
I just wanted to say that I have been reading your updates since I met you (at Sandy's bridal shower) and I am inspired by your honesty and your strength. Those beautiful boys are lucky to have such an amazing set of parents!
ReplyDeleteI get this. From every angle I get this. Our journeys are different but I totally get this. We got to adopt our son and bear our daughter through egg donation. So I know pregnancy. And yet I am barren. I cannot make a baby. My pregnancy was started through expense, pain and tears. Nothing about it was normal or relaxed. I longed for easy. For normal. For a baby conceived at home and a later period. The joy of buying a pregnancy test and getting to tell my husband. Just normal.
ReplyDeleteEven up to a months or so ago, when we ended the fertility joinery, I longed for an easy button. Even the ending of all this was traumatic.
And now that we have moved beyond child bearing into child rearing, there's immense freedom.
One of the most amazing relevalations I ever had was the emotion attached to bearing and adopting a child. May this be an encouragement to you xx
http://godslittlegiantkiller.blogspot.co.nz/2010/05/same-same.html
I understand, I could have written this..... 14yrs and still waiting.
ReplyDeleteI so appreciate your honesty--I am often afraid to voice my feelings on this topic since we have already adopted (and we LOVE our son to pieces!) and are in the process again. I feel like people expect for me to "get past it already". I am glad to know I am not alone in my feelings, although I am sorry you are walking this painful road.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
Rebekah, there is a blog I read from time to time that I thought you would like. She is one of the most amazing Christian women I know. It's www.heremembersthebarren.com She wrote a book with the same title. And did you say...third?!
ReplyDeleteI did mention "number three", but it was a hopeful statement, not definite! :)
DeleteWe haven't had any updates on LJ's baby sister...
I'm praying for your family tonight :).
DeleteI think that is why I do not share publicly on my blog or Facebbok about my infertility, in the hope that someday I will be a part of that exclusive club. I get you so well Rebekah and I am not even a mommy, yet (not even by adoption). This is definitely one of the hardest battles I fight. Thank you for sharing so candidly your wn struggle with it.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I understand. Definitely understand. Sometimes I'm so relieved for that person that leaves the club, but at the same time devastated that somehow I always remain. That I never get that miracle baby that soo many people speak of. Prayers and hugs for you.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said! Your honesty is inspiring and many, including me, can relate.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post. I find myself reading it and feeling both blessed (we DID get our miracle "easy" baby by birth) and understanding (the journey was by no means easy). All I know is every family's journey is unique. There are easy parts, and excruciating parts. Thank you for sharing your heart...
ReplyDeleteThis is what I've felt about you since I started reading your blog, Im not saying this is a word from the Lord, but It is a knowledge that comes from the deepest part of me.... take it or leave it....You have a calling on your life for adoption and you have embraced Gods call on you,,,, You will continue embracing these babies until God says stop, and somewhere in the middle of all your embracing you will find yourself pregnant. Even Sarah when she was 99 "knew" she would never carry a child, but look what happened to her...
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine the broken heart you have endured since trying to conceive, and the pain it has caused for you to be able to come to the conclusion that you will "never" conceive..... but someone in Phx is standing on hope and thanking Jesus in advance for the beautiful life that He will place inside you.... I will stand up for you Rebekah, even when you are weak and can no longer believe, I will believe for you, I am praying for your peace of mind in whatever Jesus brings your way.
On another note, pregnancy dreams could be talking about you being pregnant with ministry....
cindie
I love this post & thank you for being honest. It's what blogging has always been about for me!
ReplyDeleteWell said. Thanks for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to some of what you express- it's so good to know that I'm not alone in my feelings & thoughts.
I would die to have it easy.The things other people take for granted I know I wouldn't.
ReplyDeleteRebekah, I can also relate to you on this in so many ways. Thanks for writing what so many of us feel. I love how real and honest you are and enjoy seeing the many miracles God has performed in and through you because of it. I'm always blessed by reading your blog. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I too feel the way you do - like the beast has receded, but still shows its ugly self occasionally. We are still waiting for our child, so I hope it gets better once we become parents. I have heard other mothers that have been blessed with children despite their infertility struggles say that they still have those ugly feelings when they get pregnancy announcements, etc. I think that is a big part of it - we have to struggle so much to get what comes so easy to others...
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. We are still waiting for our child so I still have the twinges of those ugly feelings pop up. It got a little better when we left the IF treatments behind and moved forward with adoption. I am hoping it continues to get better once we find our baby. I have heard of moms that have been blessed with children despite their infertility struggles say that they still feel that horrible beast. It seems that the issue is more that it feels so unfair that we have to struggle for something that comes so easy to others...
ReplyDeleteI don't know your reproductive situation, but I have to tell you that after 15 years of marriage I had a baby through natural conception 3 1/2 months ago. To find out we were expecting is an understatement. We went through years of fertility treatments and were told I would never carry my husbands child. I am about to be 37 and had never had a pregnancy. We had been on the adopion list for a year when we found out I was pregnant. Now looking back I can honestly say the struggle and waiting had to happen for it to change almost every aspect of my life. Our greatest struggle became our greatest blessing and greatest opportunity to praise our Lord and that is the reason for everything we go through. You are such an inspiration to so many.
ReplyDeleteAshley Moon
I get it....I'm in the same boat.
ReplyDeletehttp://patientlywaitingtobeamommy.blogspot.ca/
:)
ReplyDeleteStraight. To. My. Heart. Thank you so much for putting those feelings into words...they are as true as can be. Wow.
ReplyDeleteStraight to my heart. I just can't believe how freeing those words are. And to have someone who "knows" say them? A blessing. I feel guilty feeling those things....and they are much better now that my sweet son is here, but it never, ever goes away. And people tell me all the time how "easy" is was for me....oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. My BIL and SIL have been unable to have a child and have been trying many things for some time now (>6 years). I know I will never fully understand what they are going through and how they are feeling, but I try to be compassionate and I want to be understanding and encouraging. Thank you for giving me a bit of understanding.
ReplyDeleteI can also relate to your feelings. I completely trust God and His plan for my family and I hate how discontent I feel sometimes about not getting to experience the miracle of pregnancy. It's a hard road to travel. Thanks for sharing your feelings.
ReplyDeleteR---I really think when we are trying in our lives, to do better to be happy to be strong, Satan will try to steal our joy. (Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with craving a biological child...or having sadness surrounding that). But I think Satan uses our insecurities and hardships to damper other areas of our lives---to hinder our progress, to steal our joy, to tear us down a little at a time.
ReplyDeleteI have type I diabetes. I was diagnosed at age 24. My diagnosis made me face the choice: biological children or adopted kiddos? Even though we chose to adopt and not to have bio kids (assuming we could---we didn't try), there are still moments when I think, "Am I missing out on something?" "What if?"
I get it. :)
Even thought I am currently 3.5 months pregnant with a miracle baby, I still resonate with the pain in this post. I am beyond blessed to have 5 year old B/G twins after infertility treatments and am pregnant again after 2.5 years of treatments, tears, adoption wait list, etc. Both my husband and I have very poor fertility, so we recongnize the hand of God when we see it. This was certainly not our doing.
ReplyDeleteI guess the past that speaks to me is the idea of it being "easy." As in, before the Fall...before things got so horribly messed up.
I spent 24 hours in the hospital in Feb. beside the bed of my friend who birthed her stillborn son. Perfect in every way, it was a placenta accident with no rhyme or reason. His name was Benjamin, and just like that, he was gone. I was honored to hold him for a very brief moment and whisper how much we all would have loved knowing him.
Earlier this month, another friend buried her baby girl. It was a tragic amniotic fluid issue, and sweek Kaylee was gone.
As a young girl contemplating getting married and having babies, I NEVER could have comprehended the minefield of heartache, pain and sorrow surrounding fertility, both for myself and my many, many friends.
I just wanted to comment to say I love reading your blog, and thanks for sharing your heart. I am sure a lot more people read this and were touched...and I am sorry motherhood has not come easily for you. We really are on the wrong side of Heaven, aren't we?
Found your blog a long time ago but I think this is the first time I've commented. Went to the good ol' Gyn this week for the diary time since we stopped fertility treatments. In the meantime, we've adopted to gorgeous boys who fill my heart to overflowing. But... I know the very monster you're talking about. He grabbed me on the way out of that doctor's office. I saw a young couple on the elevator who had been to an appointment, happily chatting about finding out the baby's gender next month. I thought, "what is it like to have something that's just between you and your spouse? No lawyers, no social workers, no other parents. What it is like to have just the joy of a new child, without it coming at someone else's pain?" I love adoption & I know it's so close to God's heart. I'm thankful I'm an adoptive mom. Sometimes I wish the road to get to this point weren't so painful.
ReplyDeleteIt's kind of funny to me that you talk about pregnancy being easy, but then, I'm a birth mom of two, only a hopeful future adoptee mother. We have not yet started the adoption process, but we plan to. And, what kickstarted it was my vaginal delivery of my 2nd child (1st was a c-section). As soon as he came out and we knew he was fine, my first words were "We're adopting the rest!!!". I'm not trying to disagree or minimize anything you said... and it's totally worth it.... but giving birth SUCKS!!!! A LOT. Maybe all I'm saying is, don't forget to throw in "skipped labor" on the "pro" side of the "I can't have kids" sheet :D.
ReplyDeleteKeep being honest!!! I found your blog because I was looking for people's experience of adoption through foster care (what our current plan is), and I put you in my reader because I love how honest you are. Thank you :)
Not having to actually birth my children is definitely on the "pro" side of being barren! Through barren eyes, pregnancy is only easy in terms of planning and growing a family. I've witnessed five births and know there is NOTHING easy about delivery time! :)
DeleteI disagree with the poster who wrote this. I have both given birth and adopted. My pg was tough, I had pre e and 6 weeks of bed rest, ad had a hard delivery. But it was still a blessing to get to do. My daughter is adopted and being present for her birth was incredible, but I wished it were me.
DeleteI wish all women could experience pg and birth, even though it is really hard.
I can totally relate to this! It's so hard to explain to others who have never walked this path, but I long for an "easy button" with our family planning. We've never had it. I often wonder what it's like to just be able to experience pure joy when it come's to planning for and having babies? How does it feel to be *surprised* that your family will be expanding and then in a short 9 months welcome a precious baby into the world? For me (as it sounds like for you) it's not about biology. It's about feeling broken and left out. It's about desiring an easier road when exhaustion hit's its peak.
ReplyDeleteBut, then I look at my daughter and think, "I'd walk that road a thousand more times just to get to you" and I snap myself out of it, grateful for the life that God chose for us. Take that barren monster! ;)
Although I do not know whether or not I am barren I can relate somewhat because I find myself in a stage that I do not want to be in and one in which I feel very much liek you at times and like some of your other readers....left out...single in my 30s. I hope you and others know I am not making light of being barren but I like you feel the excitement of answers of prayers for others (marriage, children, homes) but only moments later feel the full heaviness of my heart breaking. Wanting not only to be part of the married to my best friend club but also thought I would have several children of my own as well. I am sorry that there is no "easy" button but am encouraged by your honesty. Trying myself to choose joy (but currently not being successful) in the midst of being the only person I know out of all of my friends that is single and childless. Hoping that we will all find joy in whatever situations we find ourselves in and the true joy for others will overflow
ReplyDeleteI soooooo get this. I've walked both roads and still believe growing your family through adoption is way harder than pregnancy/childbirth.
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty; it's just one of the many reasons I follow your blog! I also love that you're content and at peace with the road God has you on toward adopting your children. You are a noble and sweet woman!
ReplyDeleteJust wondering how ty's birthday went.... looking forward to hearing about it.
ReplyDeletecindie
Thank you for you being so honest. I can relate to what you are saying!!! We have adopted two children after struggling with infertility for seven years, and it always amazes me the things that bring those emotions front and center again. Baby showers are still a huge thorn in my side. As much as I wish them away, this is our cross to bear and it helps keep me centered on Christ to be my strength, and helping me to understand, that God's plan for our life was to adopt these wonderful children which is such a blessing that many don't understand or would be able to do themselves. Thank you for sharing!!!
ReplyDeleteOh how I hurt when I read your post. It was so descriptive that I could again feel the heartache I went thru even tho it's been a number of years. I should have forgotten what I felt but it is so painful that it rises up even after all this time. Glad you shared.
ReplyDeleteWow, I wish I had just a small level of the faith you have. I empathise with your struggle though I couldn't possibly know what you are going through, I'm just glad you have stayed positive and it's worked out in the end, though obviously it is an ongoing process.
ReplyDelete