Two of LJ's sisters will be available for adoption in a few days.
It was easy to agree to adopt more children from foster care before one ever stepped foot in our house.
Within a week of bringing LJ home we were so overwhelmed by the chaos, we questioned whether or not we'd ever be able to do this again. Fast forward two months and although we still have some obstacles to overcome, we are really enjoying our new family and a cloak of peace has settled.
When our case worker called with the news of termination for two of LJ's sisters, her follow up comment was, "Be ready with your answer on number three." I expected termination for the youngest (of many) to be at least a year out. And it still could be. But in order to have an answer "ready" when the call comes, we have to discuss our answer, now.
My answer is a passionate, teary, YES. Ben's answer is a solid, sure, NO.
It only took minutes for our discussion to get heated, so we parted and agreed to think things through, separately. My initial reaction was anger. I mean - we aren't really in a position to turn down an opportunity to have another baby! Up to this point, I knew the possibility of ever rocking a newborn again was pretty unlikely. Sure, our life is crazy, right now, and it isn't the BEST time to introduce another family member into the mix...but this isn't just a baby girl...it's LJ's sister! I balled my fists in frustration, but, quietly, prayed that God would settle my heart and give me direction on what to do/say.
After a day or so, the Holy Spirit came upon me and reminded me of my love for my husband and the blessing his steady reasoning is in my life. I am an easy love and sometimes my passions cloud my sense for reality. I constantly have to evaluate whether my heart is running away with my dreams or if God, truly, is stirring me to action. Ben is really good for me in this regard.
I started chewing on his points of reason - What in the world would I do about work? I LOVE my job and have a beautiful setup, right now. Would I really be able to leave three babies at home in someone else's care, all day? Would our someones even be willing to watch three kids (probably not)? Can five of us share our two bedroom condo? Can our boys handle another game changer, right now, so soon? Can we handle three kids under three?
Ben's answer is not no to adoption or no to future kids. His answer is no to adopting another kid, right now.
I want to be mad about it...but I can't.
I, of course, want my way. I WANT to bring home this precious baby girl that is more beautiful with every picture I see...but, I have to care about Ben's feelings and reservations.
His voice is as important as mine (although it takes a good dose of humbling to admit that).
I am so thankful for godly wisdom. My head wants to pray for God to change Ben's heart, but the Spirit leads me by saying, "Lord, your will be done."
I have to trust Him. I've seen too much to do otherwise.
If the call comes, today, I would, respectfully, tell our caseworker "no". But the call may not come today, or next week or next month. This system moves, painfully, slow. There is a possibility (especially the longer it takes) that when the call DOES come, our answer will be "yes".
The peace I feel is infectious.
Sadly, there will never be a shortage of children to adopt...and even more heartbreaking, this will most likely not be the last sibling of LJ's to adopt, either.
It's a good reminder to myself. I am only thirty years old.
I have seven more decades to live out my hopes and dreams. They don't all have to actualize, right now.