Wednesday, May 9, 2012

2 Boys / 3 Moms

Rebekah and I haven't talked in awhile (my attention has been very focused), but a week doesn't go by that I don't think about her. She has always been a natural part of our family's conversation, but even more so in recent days as Ty watches his aunt grow a baby in her belly. He makes many parallels between his story and his cousin's. Too many parallels. He's been asking me "how" he came out of Miss Rebekah's belly and if he was really dirty when he came out....I have no idea where he learned the dirty part, but so far he's satisfied with me telling him that he "popped right out of her belly, crying for warmth and huggies."

Balancing two wildly different adoption stories has been interesting. I wouldn't say that I make things up per se...but, I do retell LJ's story in a way that honors his birth mom and what I hope to be the truth about her. I really struggle with my thoughts when it comes to LJ's mom. For her privacy and LJ's protection, I am not going to share the little I do know...but I would like to talk about the parts I don't.

I don't know what LJ's mother felt when she carried him in her womb. I don't know whether or not she cared for him or herself in the way I would if he grew in me. I don't know if she cried with joy at his birth or turned him away, quickly. I don't know whether or not she had one hour or one week with him before he was taken. I don't know whether her heart broke or if she sat in icy silence. I don't know if she misses, wonders, cries, or prays for the little boy she hasn't seen in over a year.

Being a mom to a son that I don't feel mother of gives me good perspective. I believe that LJ's mother loves him very much. For whatever reason she hasn't been able to overcome her life circumstances - which, truth be told, is probably because she's never been given the tools or know-how to do so. She chose to give her baby life and she refrained from substances while doing it. That's love in my book.

I think she snuggled him close in the hospital and wet his hair with her tears. I think her insides ripped when she handed her baby to her case worker...and I think she thinks about him often. She is his mother.

In the last few days, God has been stirring my heart for her. A woman that I know very little about. A woman that has had everything I would deem precious taken from her. A woman that doesn't know my name or that I exist. A woman that is mother to my son.

I am going to contact her when God gives me the release.

Guidance from the Holy Spirit is mandatory, here, as my family's safety is more important than warm fuzzies. Even if done anonymously, I want this woman to know that her son is safe and healthy and loved to pieces. I want her to know that he will be taught to honor her and that our family will continuously lift her up to our Father.

These women - these mothers of my sons - were brought into my life by God alone. I've said this many times, here, before. Although, I do not buy into the theory that God created these babies for me or impregnated their mothers for my benefit, I do believe that he brought us together for the good of these boys.

God has entrusted Ben and I with these sweet, sweet souls and we take our job seriously. For me, part of the job is loving every part of my sons - including their first families. Rebekah is EASY to love. I mean, you all love her, right? And you don't even know her! An unkind word has never sprouted from my mouth when it comes to Ty's mother....she is a treasure in my life.

Loving LJ's mother is not as easy...but God is giving me the heart for her.

This mother's day, I will be praising God for the goodness he's filled my life with and remembering the women that have sacrificed.


  1. Beautiful post. I imagine it is very difficult to balance such different stories for your boys. If anyone can do it, you can. I have been thinking so much about jackson's first mom this week, too, as Mother's Day approaches. I don't know how her heart experiences days like that one, she is not as open as I wish she could be, but I do know she will be getting a card and art project from Jax, and she will know that she is in our hearts. And, as I have worked with many moms like LJ's first mom, I can say that I also believe they love their babies very, very much. And, yes, you are right - no one ever taught them how to be a mom, how to have empathy, how to love unconditionally. No one ever loved them that way. So sad. I know that, when you are ready, she will find some comfort in your words that LJ is loved and well.

    1. Exactly, they don't know how to do certain things because they never experienced it. That is too often the case.

  2. OH! And I LOVE The picture! You have an incredibly beautiful family:)!

  3. Your posts are always so eye-opening, up-lifting, and life-affirming - thank you!

  4. Happy Mother's Day to you, Rebekah and LJ's first mom. Love following your family as God has given you the desires of your heart to be a mother! 2 blessed boys and 1 blessed husband!

    Kim M

  5. Beautiful! Happy Mother's Day! You deserve nothing but the best and your sweet boys are so lucky to call you their Momma!

  6. I found you blog a few months ago by accident and have been reading ever since. You have a way with words and your story is captivating. You are without a doubt, the most selfless person on the planet... the way you are able to honor the other mother's to your boys. Well done... you are a true gem in this world of selfish ugliness... Happy Mother's Day!!!

  7. Beautiful family! Happy Mother's Day to you!!!

  8. Beautiful post! Happy Mother's Day, both your son's are so amazing!

    If you do get to the point for contact with birth mom, please feel free to contact me through Google. I not only am an adoptive mom for a foster child, I am also an attorney and far removed from the situation that anonymity would be preserved.

  9. This is a special Mother's Day letter from your heart. I love it. What a handsome family.

  10. Regardless you are a mom of two fabulous sons. Mine are noe in their twenties and love each other so much. Enjoy!

  11. Such a beautifully written post. I am an adoptive mama and too hold our daughter's birth family, especially her mother, in high esteem. We are called to honor them no matter the circumstance. That is God's design. We are in an open adoption and struggle to find others out there that can truly understand what that means and what it entails... and really how much it effects my heart. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her birth family. I think most people prefer us to just move on. I can't quite gauge the comfort level of family members when we discuss the birth family. I don't really care though. They are just as much family to us as we are forever connected through a very special girl!

    I also related to the paragraph stating, "Although, I do not buy into the theory that God created these babies for me or impregnated their mothers for my benefit, I do believe that he brought us together for the good of these boys." I've had the discussion many a time to prove that birth mom's aren't just vessels but actual living mothers who feel and love just as we do but don't necessarily have the means or support to raise their children... and that is where God places us. Maybe we should say we are placed into their families just as much as we say our children are placed in ours? :)