Balancing two wildly different adoption stories has been interesting. I wouldn't say that I make things up per se...but, I do retell LJ's story in a way that honors his birth mom and what I hope to be the truth about her. I really struggle with my thoughts when it comes to LJ's mom. For her privacy and LJ's protection, I am not going to share the little I do know...but I would like to talk about the parts I don't.
I don't know what LJ's mother felt when she carried him in her womb. I don't know whether or not she cared for him or herself in the way I would if he grew in me. I don't know if she cried with joy at his birth or turned him away, quickly. I don't know whether or not she had one hour or one week with him before he was taken. I don't know whether her heart broke or if she sat in icy silence. I don't know if she misses, wonders, cries, or prays for the little boy she hasn't seen in over a year.
Being a mom to a son that I don't feel mother of gives me good perspective. I believe that LJ's mother loves him very much. For whatever reason she hasn't been able to overcome her life circumstances - which, truth be told, is probably because she's never been given the tools or know-how to do so. She chose to give her baby life and she refrained from substances while doing it. That's love in my book.
I think she snuggled him close in the hospital and wet his hair with her tears. I think her insides ripped when she handed her baby to her case worker...and I think she thinks about him often. She is his mother.
In the last few days, God has been stirring my heart for her. A woman that I know very little about. A woman that has had everything I would deem precious taken from her. A woman that doesn't know my name or that I exist. A woman that is mother to my son.
I am going to contact her when God gives me the release.
Guidance from the Holy Spirit is mandatory, here, as my family's safety is more important than warm fuzzies. Even if done anonymously, I want this woman to know that her son is safe and healthy and loved to pieces. I want her to know that he will be taught to honor her and that our family will continuously lift her up to our Father.
These women - these mothers of my sons - were brought into my life by God alone. I've said this many times, here, before. Although, I do not buy into the theory that God created these babies for me or impregnated their mothers for my benefit, I do believe that he brought us together for the good of these boys.
God has entrusted Ben and I with these sweet, sweet souls and we take our job seriously. For me, part of the job is loving every part of my sons - including their first families. Rebekah is EASY to love. I mean, you all love her, right? And you don't even know her! An unkind word has never sprouted from my mouth when it comes to Ty's mother....she is a treasure in my life.
Loving LJ's mother is not as easy...but God is giving me the heart for her.
This mother's day, I will be praising God for the goodness he's filled my life with and remembering the women that have sacrificed.