Monday, February 1, 2010

Pillow Talk

The house was still; the neighborhood dark. It was that intimate calm before rhythmic breathing. Ben whispered, "Do you ever wish we could make our own baby?"

I quietly replied, "No."

"Really?"

"It honestly doesn't bother me that I can't get pregnant."

"I don't necessarily mean the pregnant part...it's more the planning. When I look at Ty I don't wish he had my genes...it's not about that...but in a few months, wouldn't it be nice if we could talk about trying for another and it could happen...just like that."

"Yes..."

It's been awhile since I've thought about infertility and how much it blows. Ben and I love being parents. I mean LOVE it. I don't know what parenthood is like on the other side, but on the adoption side, nothing is taken for granted. Ty brings us immeasurable amounts of joy and has brought so much life to our home and family. I love how his presence has changed me.

I would never have labeled myself a patient person before, but when it comes to being a mom, I have an unending supply. I love the teacher I've become and the softness I hear in my voice. Life is no longer about me and Ben and living for us. It's completely family-focused.

We were out to lunch the other day, just the three of us, and I had one of those moments. A moment where your life is so full you feel you might burst. I looked at Ben and said, "I love this." With knowing eyes, he answered, "me too."

During one of our home study interviews our case worker asked us why we wanted to be parents and she later told us our response was not typical. I'm sure the usual includes, "we're ready to start a family" or "it's time to take the next step." Our answer? We've learned to love each other more than we love ourselves and what we share is too good not to pour into someone else. It would be a waste. A waste of passion...for God, life, and each other.

We find ourselves in the same situation again. The family we've become is too great to stop here. We want to expand our tent pegs and open our hearts to all that God has for us. We want more. And I hope you hear the cry of my heart. We don't simply want more kids. We want more life. God is changing us. Stretching us. Growing us. And we want more.

That's all great to feel...but then reality sets in. We don't have another 20+ grand to spend on adoption. We also lack the energy needed to throw into this complicated process, again. And the crazy part of all my mush-mashed feelings is that I feel guilty. I feel guilty for wanting another baby, because it makes me feel greedy. How screwed up is that? What woman outside of these infertility shoes feels guilty about wanting a larger family?

It makes me mad.

Ben and I talked about how many of our friends planned (or didn't plan) for their families. And whether or not life went according to their plan, they still had babies...one right after another. No big thing. It's natural. It's what people do.

Well, except for our kind of people.

We desperately want to give Ty a brother. But, to do that it will take a whole different kind of planning.

I know I'm whining, but sometimes I just want that easy button. I want a friend to call us who knows of someone that knows of someone that is looking for adoptive parents. No agency. No chaos. Less money. We know those chances our slim and do plan to move forward in the future (once we've caught our breath), most likely in the foster care realm.

I am passionate about adoption and want to continue down this path, but in moments of weakness it's easy to cry out, Lord, I just want to experience the glory. I'm done with all the guts.




47 comments:

  1. love you friend...I wish I could hit the easy button for you too. Can't wait to see what else God has for you guys...I know it will be nothing short of incredible and perfect.

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  2. I wish it was easier for you and Ben too. You have a beautiful family and I have faith that God will find a way to help you grow it!

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  3. You have just summed up the very same feelings I have struggled with too. It's hard for me to sit and talk with my friends who are planning to try to have more babies. I wish it were that easy because I would love more. I felt guilty all through Kati's process that we were being greedy in wanting more children. You're right, no one outside of infertility feels that way when they have more. They just do it. Thank you for this post! You aren't the only one with these thoughts and feelings. Good for you and Ben for wanting to share your love with more children!

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  4. A.MEN. You just wrote what I have felt all along. I would be there again in a HEARTBEAT if it was not for all the money and stress and ... Well, you know. But I would not trade where I am now for a thing in this world. This is why I am here. To give HIM to them. And that will be enough.

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  5. Great post. I think about this every single day. I am currently waiting on news from a friend with a scheduled c-section of her 4th at 1 pm today... I am happy for her yes, but it is so hard not to feel sad that I don't get to experience it "when we want" not just what we can afford...both in our hearts and wallets.

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  6. It is sad that adoption is so expensive. It breaks my heart for you and Ben, you really are the kiind of people who should have a house full of children. I hope that a mircale comes your way soon enough!

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  7. Being an only child and having a small extended family that was never very close I have longed for a large family that my wonderful husband and I created together. Being infertile I have realized I may be lucky to have one child and I will feel incredibly blessed, but I don't think that desire just goes away. I too wish I had an easy button like everyone else seems to have around me.

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  8. I don't really know anything in depth about this, but have you looked into Imago Dei adoptions at Rochester Church of Christ? It's a fee-free adoption agency as a ministry of the church. This kind of situation makes my heart ache and I know that's why so many don't and can't adopt. This ministry is for helping those families. I just know you're close, but didn't know if you knew anything about it.

    God bless your beautiful family. =]

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  9. took the words right out of my mouth!

    that's always our pillow talk too, though i am trying to change it to dinner talk, b/c I can never fall asleep after such discussions.

    good thing God's plan is perfect, we'd have a lot of work to do otherwise! :)

    praying for you friend!

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  10. I understand everything that you just wrote COMPLETELY! The sad thing is when other people try to make you feel guilty for the children you do have! We have been blessed beyond belief to adopt our two children, but yet we feel (and so do the littles) that our family isn't complete yet. We recently tried a fundraiser and we heard more than once something to the effect of, "you've already taken two children...why do you need to take more?" I didn't realize we were around so many anti-adoption people. Our fundraiser only raised $230, it was on track to raise $7000!

    I would also be VERY careful for the foster realm...I know each does what God directs, but we are strong Christians and almost had our two adopted children taken away because of being targeted for not 'allowing' an infant in foster care to choose their church (we brought her with us!)

    I enjoy your blog, and read every post! You have such a way with words...thank you for being so open and honest!

    jasonashley_hartung (at) hotmail (dot) com

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  11. I hear ya! You have said exactly what I feel.

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  12. You are not alone, my dear. While we were blessed to not only be able to afford IVF but to have it work, we know that our family is not complete. We can't afford IVF (and don't want to go through that again) and we can't afford an agency or international adoption, so where does that leave us?

    I refuse to believe that our son will be an only child so we are currently banking on private adoption and doing all the work ourselves.

    And honestly? It's not that bad so far. I found out you can be home study ready on your own for around $300 (in Ohio). From talking to atorneys, it seems that the whole thing should be under $5k. We had our home study done in like a two-week time period. Call your local probate court and you can get everything in order on that end so you are ready to go if anyone you know does approach you. We sent out over 100 letters letting all of our family and friends know to please spread the word that we want to adopt - the hope being that by throwing that pebble, it will cause a ripple effect and reach hundreds of other people who may know someone considering adoption. It may be a long shot or it may not happen for years, but at least we've started *something.*

    There are many other proactive things we could do, but we're happy with just that so far - less stress. When our home study expires in October, we'll renew it (should be less than $100) and may step up the game at that point by either placing ads or joining support groups, etc.

    The downside is having to weed out possible scams and dealing with birthmoms who are in bad situations. My plan is to go into every situation with an open but guarded heart and (try) not to get attached to any situation until papers are signed.

    I also would like to do foster care, but my husband is not there yet. Maybe some day... :)

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  13. I can't relate to you on your side of things. I can only imagine the feeling of loss of control over your life when it comes to having children.

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  14. God hears the desires of your heart. He has abundance. Look at Ty. Could you have ever imagined anyone so sweet?

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  15. It is funny how fast the anger and pain can come flooding back when you are ready again, huh?

    I am excited to see what God has in store for you and the expansion of your family!

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  16. so often i find myself at the same place you are emotionally. this has been a common topic of conversation in our home lately.....i want more than anything to expand our family and to allow milo the opportunity to know what having a brother or sister is like....however, to add to our family means $$ and lots of it ~ patience and lots of it ~ new dynamics that we are unsure of ~ and the list goes on.....yes, i too sometimes wish there was an easy button. you are definitely not alone in your feelings or your desires....rest assured of that. :)

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  17. Amen!!!! My thoughts exactly. I recently found myself crying out, "God come on. I did this once before, can't the second just be a tiny bit easier!"

    The bad part is it hasn't been any easier, almost harder. The good part is, I've learned even more.

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  18. Wow. As an adoptive mother of two, we want another so badly. My husband and I talk all the time of how wonderful it would be to "just get pregnant." NOT because we would love a biological child anymore than our little peanuts now- b/c that simply isn't possible. BUT, because we also don't have 20K stored up. We also worry about the hurt and the fear and all the emotions and hopes and disappointments that are often involved in the adoption journey. And OH THE GUILT. I so understand that. God has blessed us beyond belief. How could we possibly be wanting more?!! B/C our babies bring so much joy into our hearts that as humans, we long for MORE! Not out of selfishness, but out of complete joy and love. My friends always tell me..."you'll know when you're done (having/adopting kids). So if you're on the fence...YOU ARE NOT DONE! I live by that. We want ONE more - Then we are DONE! Our hearts will be overspilling with happiness. - So, I am going to tell you the same thing I am sitting here tellinig myself. BE PATIENT, BE STILL and know that he is listening. It will be in his time and it will be perfect.
    Now - If only we had the guts to go rob a bank. hahaha.

    Hang in there my friend.

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  19. I don't think you are greedy whatsoever for wanting another child. I hope you can add another little man or a little lady to your family. Life is sooo much sweeter with a sibling to share it with!

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  20. This post brought tears to my eyes. I truly hate that infertility tries to take so much away. Sure, I can recognize blessings that can and have come out of it, but sometimes the injustice of it all really bothers me. I want to see people who love each other and have a passion for loving children have as many as they want. I hope and pray that for you and Ben, that the Lord will grow your family abundantly (in numbers and in love)!

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  21. I totally understand your feelings. All our friends are pregnant with/having their 2nd and though I'm sooo happy for them, I know our 2nd will take lots of planning and waiting and none of which will be in our control. Hang in there. Rebekah was brought to you by God and our God is SO BIG so you never know what He was in store!

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  22. I too wish that we could push the "easy" button. My co-workers laughed at me the other day when I said "Babies cost $24K at our house"! We would like to hope for a baby sister for our boys, but we know it would be a major budget stretcher. We're praying...

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  23. I have 2 kids and have been trying for our 3rd for 10 months. And I DO feel greedy for wanting another. My best friend has struggled with infertility for 3 years and still does not have her baby so when I think about wanting a 3rd when I have 2 healthy babies and people like her and you want a baby so bad, I feel guilty. It's really hard.

    I pray for an easy button for you too!!!

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  24. "I want a friend to call us who knows of someone that knows of someone that is looking for adoptive parents. No agency. No chaos. Less money."

    I just want to pipe in and say that this is happening to us, but we still needed to use an agency, and there is more chaos than with Evie, and it is going to cost MORE money. Not that our situation is typical, but the chaos and money and bureaucracy is almost impossible to avoid in adoption! But I hope you do get a miraculous second adoption that is all smooth sailing!

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  25. I don't have time to read all of the comments, but I do TOTALLY know what you mean. I feel ready for #2, BUT knowing all that stands in my way.....ugh.....

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  26. Well said! I am with you on so much of what you talk about in this post - it resonated deeply with me and where my heart has been lately. I guess maybe it's something about our boys becoming boys, who knows?

    I sometimes want the easy button too & wish "family planning" was a phrase we could actually use in this house. But I too know in my heart of hearts that it will all be "nothing short of incredible and perfect" as Meeghan says!

    I can't wait to see what's yet to come...

    Melba

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  27. I know how you feel. We were in the same place after we adopted our daughter. I didn't want her to be an only child, but the thought of coming up with another $20K, plus the emotional roller coaster of another adopting was overwhelming. We kept talking about how nice it would be to be able to get pregnant and get a baby for "free." (Just the co-pay) Lo and behold, it happened and we were SO not trying. Yes, we are one of those urban myths..."adopt and you'll get pregnant." I HATE, HATE, HATE when people say that. I HATE, HATE when people tell us that adopting our daughter allowed us to relax and get pregnant. It totally takes God out of the equation and does not give glory where glory is due. With Him! All that being said, I applaud y'all in your desire to not only give Ty a brother, but to allow God to work in amazing ways. I know you've already seen Him do it once!

    BTW, our "free" baby caused me to be miserably sick almost the entire pregnancy and I learned that former infertile women are looked down upon if they whine or complain. Totally not fair!

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  28. I completely understand...we are at that same spot. Absolutely adore my little guy, yet yearn for one more. Don't have the funds to adopt again, but not sure which direction to head. Also, feel like you that it is almost "greedy" to want one more. You so often "voice" my feelings as we've walked many of the same paths.

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  29. Thanks for giving a voice to what so many of us feel. Beautiful, beautiful post! Blessings to you...

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  30. This is where we are at too. I just blogged about it last week. If you should find the easy button I'd love to buy it from you ;) I know that God's timing is perfect and He hears our hearts desire. I'll be praying that He hears both of our cries and answers them sooner rather than later. I've never been a patient person either and so through adoption I think He is trying to grow my patience. And it has definitely been worth the wait for our daughter.

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  31. I can feel your cry and God knows your cry more than anyone. I remember sitting on your couch, asking you that question ( -; Look what God has done since! Why some of us cannot conceive and others can so easily, only God knows. He will answer the cry of your heart as long as it remains - in His time. Bless you!

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  32. I know this may seem random... but have you ever thought about finding a surrogate mother? I don't know much about these situations, or costs, but I do know a couple that had the mother of their first child (they adopted their first) be a surrogate mother for their second. I'm not volunteering Rebekah :) or saying you should do this. Just something that came to my mind...anyway I'm rambling! I love your blog!!! You're amazing!

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  33. Awww. Your post makes me sad. You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting another baby. There are so many babies out there that need good homes, and I can't think of anyone more loving to take care of them. I pray for you that God sends you in the right direction to expand your love even more. And don't forget, if it's worth having, it's worth waiting for :)

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  34. I hope you dont mind, but I linked to you on my blog katbass.blogspot.com
    I couldnt agree more, couldnt believe that, once again, you are typing the things that I am feeling. We adore our daughter and LOVE the way we became a family. And I, too feel guilty wanting to give her a sibling. And we shouldnt feel guilty! But I am soooo happy to hear that someone else "gets it" and has the same thoughts and feelings. THANK YOU for blogging. :)

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  35. I wish you could just HIT that easy button!!! =) We are praying for you guys and the decisions you have to make for expanding your family!!! =)

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  36. All of us who have walked through the valley of infertility.......and come over the mountain of adoption....can relate to all you just said!!
    My heart still longs.......just a little, sometimes it twitches...for our children to look like my husband and me!
    It just should not be that adoption costs so much....and not just money! The price is great!

    Rely on God! We never thought we could finance a second adoption but, we did. He provides. He makes the way!
    And you are definately NOT selfish for wanting more!!!!!!

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  37. i've lurked for a while...coming out to say "this is normal." it's not greedy, it's not silly- it's normal to want children.

    check out all angles, and don't let money stop you. it's not about what you can give to a child, it's about what that precious little human is going to do for you. as you have already discovered!

    mom of 5- 3 adopted.

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  38. Just found your blog! Me and my husband are getting ready to adopt a baby boy due in April. I love this post! I too often wish there was an easy button, but then I think how sad it would be to miss all of these experiences! Your family is beautiful and I wish you the best!

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  39. You have to trust in God. . . never in our wildest dreams did we think we would have one, let alone two, and now in the book for number three! God has provided us with work and opportunity to save for all three adoptions--and we have walked through every open door He has given us! I can even say that we may have pounded on a few first to get the ball rolling! haha! I so trust in Him and I'm thankful that I don't have to have the burden of worrying about it all.

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  40. This post really speaks to my heart. I've been feeling the same way, wishing for that easy button. I long to be able to give our daughter a sibling but I'm not sure that we'll be able to. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this.

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  41. Your posts are always SO awesome, so heart-felt, so honest. This one made me smile...the reason...
    The other day my hubby brought the kids to work to see me. As they were running around, having fun and getting into everything they weren't suppose my little man comes running up to me. In his mouth was a lollipop (which a few minutes prior was in his sisters mouth), laughing hysterically as cherry-flavored drool spilled out of his mouth and little tiny sticky hand out-stretched towards me. As my hubby and I laughed because I was trying to dodge the sticky-handed drool from my work clothes I thought how awesome would it have been with more...more laughs, more kisses, more sticky hands. Then out of no where I here, "THAT WAS EASY', "THAT WAS EASY", "THAT WAS EASY"... Yes, we have an actual STAPLES EASY button in my office and little DJ kept pushing it. I laughed out loud because just the THOUGHT of another baby is anything BUT easy.

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  42. oh, the easy button! I wish I had that too. Very well-written post! I totally understand. It also bothers me so much that we as "infertiles" have to make such a conscious effort--financially, emotionally, mentally--to build our families the way we see them in our mind's eye.

    Wishing you all the best...

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  43. I have followed your blog for at least 2 years...i have 5 kids, the youngest are 5 month old twin girls..your passion bring tears to my eyes. as i sit here catching up on the computer and 'listening' to the superbowl, i am so moved by your words..i think about you and pray for you everyday!! you are an amazing witness!

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  44. Can I just say "ditto" and leave it at that? Love ya.

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  45. I totally get where you are coming from!!! My husband and I wanted a "big" well bigger than what we grew up with family. (he is an only child and I have one sibling) However life has had a different turn for us. We have two beautiful children from adoption who I adore and wouldn't want to change anything (because if I didn't I may not have them in my life and that is something I don't even want to think about or imagine). However that desire to expand our family is still there especailly with my daughter asking for a another sibling (her preference of course is a sister). It is so hard to explain to her that we just don't have to money for another adoption (we are still in debt from theirs) and I have tried to have babies but just couldn't. So of course at our desire to expand our family and our daughters desire for another sibling we are going down the path of fertility treatments that I had thought I had closed the door on when we started the adoption process. NOw I am to the point of asking why and I am doing this to myself the roller coaster of emotions and the disappointments. We are now at a crossroads- we have to decided to continue on with a more expensive approach which we really cannot afford or to just stop fertility treatments and accept that we weren't ment to have any more children- which is something I can't bear to imagine. So I do get where you are coming from and I am sorry if I have gone on and on but I know where you are coming from. I am thinking about you all, you are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless

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  47. @Carrie - I'm really glad you posted all that about private adoption you do yourself. My hubby and I really want to adopt, but can't even begin to come close to agency fees. You've encouraged me! :)

    @Rebekah - I completely hear you on the whole "feeling guilty" thing. Before Nick and I knew that we were facing infertility (you know, those first "glorious" months where you think "any minute now, I'm going to be pregnant!!"), everyone we knew thought it was so great that we wanted kids, and that we wanted lots of them. NOw that we've been on this journey for over three years, with no babies, most people we know think (and many have implied if not outright said) that we are being selfish for not "accepting God's will for us, to be childless" and just "getting over it". And when I have dared voice my desire for more than one adopted child, I have been accused of being ungrateful for even getting to have one (which is odd, since I don't actually have even one yet??). I find the whole thing absurd! >:( IMO, anyone who says you are selfish or greedy for wanting another child, especially if they are blessed with fertility and multiple kids of their own, is seriously out of touch with everything good, starting with the love of Christ. Are THEY selfish or greedy for not keeping their pants on?? Of course not! So they have nothing to say about YOU. I personally believe that someone who is willing and STRIVING to shell out booku bucks to bring someone else's child into their home has oodles more love and devotion than someone who can just get pregnant by having sex can ever hope to really understand. In fact, I have sometimes wondered if those who try to put you down for wanting to adopt or actually TRYING to get pregnant (for those of us who still hope) are actually jealous or feel threatened, because for them, getting pregnant is probably something they try NOT to do, unless they feel they are "ready". I know a couple of people, who I love dearly, who I believe fall into this catagory.

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