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The unpredictability of infertility.
I understand that no one knows what the future holds and that life can change instantly...for anyone. But. For the most part, women get pregnant, families are created, and life moves at a quick and steady pace.
Not so for the barren woman.
The barren woman doesn't get pregnant, watches other families grow, and tries to crawl through the torture tunnel of heart pain.
Last month, my cycle lasted an eternity (nearly 50 days - the joy of PCOS), and for the first time in nearly two years I wondered if I might be pregnant. The thought went as quickly as it came and I got angry...When we walked away from clinics, I closed my heart to possabiliites, refused to take another pregnancy test, and never once during the adoption process did I question a lengthy cycle. My anger, now, stems from the memory of past ache. I don't want to live in that place again....that place of rise-and-fall hope. It's easier to cut pregnancy out of your heart as an option.
Nothing in me desires to be pregnant. Truly. I don't have this overbounding dream of bellying a baby. However, the rooted wanting for a family is deep.
I have never felt more alive...more needed...more whole, than in my current role as mom. And it's enough. If we retire in life as a family of three, my cup will be full. But, that doesn't stop my mind from thinking...my heart from expanding.
People ask me all the time, "Will you adopt again?" Definitely a different discussion for a different day. Right now we're enjoying every moment in time, with Tyrus...but my heart does wonder...
I watch Ben with his brother and think, I want this for Ty. I pack away stages of clothing and hope they're storage is temporay. Entertaining these thoughts is complicated...empty wombs are complicated. Ben and I can't just go to our clothes closet, snag an outfit for the day, and decide to have another baby.....It doesn't work that way for us. There's no famly planning; no outlining for the future. The unpredictability of it drives me mad.
I'm an organizer; a planner.
God has been walking me through a very tight trust walk the last several months and nothing about it comes natural. I don't want foggy thoughts and loose inklings; I want predictable! But, then I look at Ty....my ever-present ebenezer. My reminder of truth.
God is faithful. He knows my heart; I claim to know his. Through Tyrus, he has shown me that his gifts are fantasitc, his love untouchable, and the plans for our family great.
I tend to want things in nice pretty packages. While that might be okay for gifts (even essential!), it's not okay for life. Just because one birthmom found me through the internet doesn't mean a second one will, too. I have to trust God that our family will be created in his way, in his time. I didn't believe it before, but I can now.
One thing I can say for sure. The waiting/not knowing...this side of Ty...is nothing short of spectacular. I live for this kid. He absolutely touches every part of my heart.
You must be an inspiration to all the other women out there that are walking in your shoes. I have two kids, and while the decision wasn't made one morning after I grabbed my clothes out of the closet for the day, once we decided to have a second child, going about it was simple. I understand how you want Ty to have a sibling, if one child can expand your love then why not two? I think you need to pray for yourself, to be able to breathe, let things happen, and live in the moment. Tomorrow will take care of itself, and if you want to make God laugh, make plans! Thanks for your honest posts, I really do enjoy reading your blog, and even though I've no experience with anyone that has gone through adoption, I still feel your pain! Mother's hearts are all the same.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is so beautiful and so true.. We have no control and it is enough to drive one crazy. Your son is so precious!!!
ReplyDeleteI get this post. Completely. We are in the adoption process right now, and I've come to terms with the infertility. But last month my period was a few days late, and I was so angry about it!
ReplyDeleteI keep saying that I kind of like the unpredictability of adoption - will we be parents next month or next year? But, life would be easier if it came in a neat little package. However, nothing in life really does. Even for those who conceive.
So sweet and beautifully placed in writing, as usual.
ReplyDeleteI am with you. I share the same feelings regarding pregnancy.
You are blessed in ways beyond measure. I pray that I can share the same love and that my heart will be touched by a child,as Ty has touched and transformed your heart, soon.
Thank you for sharing your heart... your hurts... your pain... your past.
You caught me in the stillness of the morning. And, it is just what I needed to absorb on this new Friday.
Blessings to you and hugs for all...
I love reading your blog! Your son is too cute. Enjoy!
ReplyDeleteI can't believe how quickly people start asking if you are adopting again or going to have another soon!! They have nothing better to say.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog recently and have really enjoyed reading it. We have an amazing relationship with our son's birthmom as well!
You are a beautiful family!
It is such an unpredictable path. I know what you mean so well about the ups and downs of thinking you could be pregnant. When my husband and I started the adoption process I had one of those long cycles you wrote about. Unfortunately I allowed myself to hope. That hope took me back to such a dark place.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad life with Ty is going well. :-D
I find myself thinking the same thoughts, and good grief, we're still not matched yet. Some days, I do think it would be easier if I just KNEW one way or the other whether or not I can have kids...every month is a roller coaster, whether I think something may've happened or not. When you've got your heart set on adoption, that's one more emotion to throw into the mix. Then I look WAY down the road, and I think, "Will my child ever have a sibling to have fun with like my sister and I did?" Trusting God with one thing at a time...so good to know His plan for us isn't running late!
ReplyDeleteOh R - I couldn't agree more. I have thought and ached every word of your post. I want Lydia to have a sister so badly, or Zachary to have a brother. I so badly wish we could just say, "ok, let's do it." and next month I am pregnant. It is such a different experience for us, one with no answers but still lots of hope. You are right. God knows your heart. Thanks for sharing. Ty is a dream.
ReplyDeletei'm so glad you have ty and i can't wait to see God at work as you raise him and as you family grows :) i know you won't be able to "plan" it but I am sure you desire is there for a reason.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right... The unpredictability of infertility is heartbreaking. I'm a planner too. I joke that calendar management is my superpower. I set a goal, plan the activities that it'll take to get there, and execute. But in 6 years of trying, it hasn't worked for conception. And it's infuriating. And the only people who understand the heartbreak are those that have walked in my shoes. And that's why I love the blog world.
ReplyDeleteI love how your words are so relatable to so many. I will never understand the purpose for infertility this side of heaven. Ive said it many times, and I am sure I will say it again, Im so glad that through your and my struggles, God was able to bring us together and mend our familiies together. I to hope that maybe someday God will bring a brother or sister for Ty...but I also know that if that never happens Ty will lack nothing. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteR
Love this post! I totally understand your feelings...even when you have a newborn people want to know when you will have another!! So annoying- we don't "plan" to make babies either :) We have endured 8 years of fertility treatments to build the family we have so desired...and thanks to PCOS, we couldn't plan anything except when we might have to head back to our RE...not really "living" your life.
ReplyDeleteKeep trusting the Lord. You are so wise. He knows the desires of your heart and will provide as YOU know SO WELL. Enjoy these days with Ty!!
Thank you for your honesty,
AMyW
Perfectly said, as usual. My son is 18 months old now. And the pre-infertility/pre-adoption side of my brain is saying it's time for a 2nd baby! She should be here already! And that's what makes me angry, the lack of control I have over my 2nd child's arrival. (We are adopting from China, so we really have no control and have to trust God in the timing, it could be 1 year or 3! So hard.)
ReplyDeleteJulie
Great post! I've been thinking similar thoughts lately, especially when people (inevitably) ask me if we'll adopt again. My first thought is, OF COURSE..but then I think about all the time, cost, etc. involved and I shudder.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that planning is not an option for us barren women is something many people don't even consider. It is hard, but I also love how you ended this post, with faith that it all works out when/how it should!
Melba
Uggghhhh!! I do this to myself all the time!! There is no rhyme or reason to my cycles and lately I have been letting my mind wander in that direction... even though I would honestly say that I don't desire to BE pregnant either. But, going that route WOULD certainly be more predictable and even possibly easier. It makes me angry (at myself???) for the whole situation.
ReplyDeleteMy sister asked me the other day if I was sad that I didn't get to pregnant. Yes, and no. I am not sad that I wasn't pregnant, but a little part of me is sad that I wasn't pregnant with R. But I quickly chase away that thought because if I HAD been pregnant with her, she obviously wouldn't have been HER and I wouldn't chance her being any different than exactly who she is for ANYTHING!!!
As far as us adopting again, I have to say a positive YES because this whole thing is going by WAY too fast for me to just do it once!!
I was thinking about you and Melba on the way to work today... well all three of us and our babies. It made me smile a teary smile! Isn't God great! It gives me chills and I feel so blessed!
Hard to comment on something like that. What God has been showing me is to set my heart for not knowing, since I too, want to know everything ahead. He has been saying, Trust Me. I'm sure He will speak something to settle your heart.
ReplyDeleteWhat you feel is normal.
ReplyDeleteI place you at the feet of our
amazing God xx
If you know that you cannot get pregnant why do you keep that option open. I would think that it only gives you heartache. When I could not get pregnant again then I stopped trying and made a permanent choice for it to not happen on the odd chance. You do have a son right now and there are people that have had trouble adopting and having children.
ReplyDeletethis has been heavy on my heart lately.....your words resonate deeply with me right now....perhaps because sooo many people around me are expanding their family....planning for their future. i feel the same as you do about my son having siblings. i am very close with mine ~ i would love for him to experience the same love....but what if i can't give him that? what if it takes us years and years to save enough to go through the process again?
ReplyDeletesigh.....
I read your blog and this one especialy and say oh my god I can relate. I am one of those people I just blogged about being in control and feeling like my life is upside down and can't get control over my life because I like to have control when it comes to my life and this waiting to adopt is just aginizing for me. I feel like every day is a month. It hurts and it hurts to hear people say you are young, attractive couple and you have an advantage. I have heard that from both of our agencies and we have been waiting for over a year to adopt and everyone always acts like a year is not that long but what about the time before that when you were trying to get pregnant and so the infertility and was just let down time and time again.It is painful. I also hear you when you say it makes you angry when your period comes late. That happened to me jsut a month or two ago. I truly came to terms that I don't want to be pregnant any more but it makes you angry when it happens almost like it is haunting you or taunting you. I am just so impressed with your story and your strength and hope one day I will have the same thing with a happy ending. He is adorable and growing every day. :)
ReplyDeleteA beautiful post and a beautiful baby boy....
ReplyDeleteI so understand this! When we got pregnant after adopting our daughter and coming to terms with not ever being pregnant, I was a little bummed. I was excited about adopting again. The thought of being pregnant did not appeal to me. Those feeling quickly faded and we were thrilled to get a baby for a copay rather than a hefty bank loan :), but it was hard in the beginning.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and enjoy every second with that sweet boy. It passes all too quickly.
What a beautiful photo of him. I love the one of the three of you at top of your blog, too.
ReplyDeleteWe've had people ask us if we'll adopt again as well. I think to myself, one step at a time. It feels like it took us a lifetime just to get to Zoe! We're hoping that she'll have a brother or sister someday, but who knows?
You have written what my heart has been aching for months. And I didn't know how to put it in words. I also feared blogging about it. I never want S's birthmommy to feel like S wasn't enough for us. She is all I could have hoped for and more! But I long for her to have a sibling. I too just had a long cycle and just as I was about to test, the cycle was over. I let my hopes soar for a day only to come to a screeching halt.
ReplyDeleteAnd to the anonymous poster, it's not that we keep the option open after knowing we can not conceive, it's that we have closed the option or tried our best too, but we know that we serve a mighty God who can do miraculous things. And so we know that He could at anytime give us a miracle pregnancy, and for a moment we think He has when we have a long cycle.
You are in my prayers today. Give that beautiful boy a big hug and I will give our little girl the same. And we can pray together that they will be a big Brother or Big Sis one day!
My thoughts will not come out in words, all I can say is thank you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteRebekah..
ReplyDelete(It's me again...I'm reading backwards as it has been a week or so since my last visit :) )
PCOS....it sucks. Plain and simple. However, my problem sounds exactly opposite of yours. I haven't had a cycle...at all...since the end of May. I always think it's coming...but it never does. I, on the other hand, have not gotten past the "never carrying a child" desire. I hope that one day, when God places a baby in my arms to love as my own, that "hole" will be filled, but I'm so scared that it won't. I too dream of a family...but wonder how it will all come together...not that I'm old...but, I'm not getting any younger!! :)