Sunday, September 13, 2009

A Birth Mother's Question Answered

We had a great time at our agency, last week. I love sharing our story and hope that little Ty brought the other waiting families much hope! We talked a lot about networking and our experience with the blog community. I passed on many of your blogs and shared how your support helped me beat this monster, called infertility. Thank you for your help!

Tonight, I want to respond to a very heartfelt comment I received from birthmothertalks, this week. I think it's an important discussion to begin. Starting now...

I enjoy reading your blog and hearing your praise for God. I do have a question and I don't mean to offend you at all. When I hear adoptive parents thanking God for their child or say that God meant this child to be theirs. Can you explain more? As a birthmother and a person who is just learning about God through counseling from a pastor and his wife what I am thinking is that your saying that God wanted you to have this baby and not his birthmother. I know you don't mean it that way, but if God is in charge of you getting him as your son how can he not be responsible for Rebekah's pain and loss?

I know whenever God is involved in the gray issues, it's everyone's opinion for themself. I don't claim to have supernatural knowledge in the area...just a heart after the Father. I've had years to reconcile infertility and adoption...here's what my heart believes.

God did not make me barren. God did not make Rebekah pregnant.

We live in a fallen world, full of sin and responsibility and decisions...and just plain "life." God certainly can intervene...and does...but sometimes he doesn't. For whatever reason, I couldn't get pregnant...and maybe never will. But, God purposed in my heart the desire to be a mom. He certainly could have stepped in, at any time, and healed my body...but what if he had? What about all the babies and foster children out there that need families? What if God healed all the barren women...would there be enough families left to meet the needs of adoption? I admit...we would have never looked at adoption had I been able to conceive. I think it's a fair assumption that if all barren women were miraculously healed, there would be a mass shortage of mommies for children in need...all over the world.

As far as Rebekah goes....God did not make her pregnant. It's a consequence/blessing of sex. She had sex, got pregnant (pardon my bluntness), and found herself in a difficult situation. God was certainly present; aware. He knew Rebekah's heart...what she was going through...and never left her side. He could have miraculously stepped in and provided Rebekah with more money than she knew how to handle....but that still would have left her son without a daddy. Rebekah once told me that the greatest gift she was giving Ty was Ben. She is an excellent mother and would have loved Tyrus in all the ways I do...but she wanted more for him.

There you have it. Two Rebekahs. One was desperately trying to get pregnant and couldn't; the other was not planning on raising another baby and knew she couldn't. Insert God.

It is an absolute truth that God is beginning and end...knower and keeper of time. He knew that little Tyrus would be our son and that Rebekah's life...and my life...would be drastically shaken; our hearts united. He did not impregnate Rebekah, so that Ben and I could have a family....but he did connect our worlds and bring us together for one common good - sweet, baby Ty.

He makes all things well. He does. That doesn't mean that it doesn't cost us. Ty's life came at a huge price. It cost me years of heartache and doubt...and Rebekah....oh, sweet, Rebekah...it cost her everything. But God showed up - illuminated his love on both of our hearts - and eased the pain.

In a perfect world, everyone would be able to have babies...every birth mom would care for her own...every child would have a happy, healthy, loving family...and foster homes and orphanages would never be needed....

It's not a perfect world.

The best we can do is cry out for God's mercy. Ask him for his help. I cried out to the Father, asking to be a mother.... Rebekah cried out to the Father asking for her baby's family... He cradled us under wing and slowly, through time, brought us together. It's not perfect...we're not perfect. But God. He brought beauty from the ashes, he's given us a fresh measure of love, shown his face to our families, and we are forever changed by this process. I know Rebekah well enough to say that she would agree.

I understand why birthmoms might cringe when hearing an adoptive mother say, "God meant this child for me...." or worse, yet, "God made this child for me." I may even be guilty of it...in the newfound blessing of motherhood, our emotions might get away from us. The truth is...God made Tyrus for him. Not me...or Rebekah. We were just given the privelege to love him and guide him.

I love the forum of open adoption because it gives us opportunity to examine all sides of the story. I agree with birthmothertalks. If adoptive parents claim their adoptive children to be "meant" for them, it does sound like we are saying God never intended their birth mothers to raise them. And this is terribly inaccurate...and offensive. It makes the birth mother sound like an incubator of sorts...that her only job is keeping the chick warm, until the right hen comes along.

We can, however, say that God made the perfect match. When I look at Ty, I think of Rebekah...and nothing about our adoption has been short of supernatural. If perfection existed, I think this would be it...

Two Rebekahs, one Ben, and one sweet Tyrus.





41 comments:

  1. Very well put, Rebeckah. This makes me think of 2 Corinthians 12:7-10:

    7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

    His grace is sufficient.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That's really awesome, Rebekah. Thanks for responding to this post...as an adoptee, it touched my heart. xo

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think that the more birthmothertalks learns about God the more she will understand. God is faithful.

    ReplyDelete
  4. That is the very best answer I have ever heard to this issue. You SOOOOOO need to be published!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow. Rebekah, once again you have knocked me off my feet! Extraordinarily put!

    It is the same as with my husband. God didn’t create him FOR me, but he intended for us to be together and to be the parents of this little girl. None of it may have been his initial plan when he created any of us, but he brought us together.

    I love that this discussion is taking place in such a healthy way!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I agree...Samuel was meant for me....from God....God doesn't make mistakes...but He had always intended on me having Samuel...He just made a wrong decision (to have sex) right....creating Samuel in someone else's womb and then putting in on that woman's heart to give him to me.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Very well written post, Rebekah.

    Thank you for your comment on my blog. We will definitely try to do all those things you mentioned! :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Rachael Schmees-BlackSeptember 14, 2009 at 8:51 PM

    Very smart, my sister.

    Ever thought about writing a book?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Very thoughtful, and very well written, Rebekah.

    ReplyDelete
  10. you nailed it on the head and I am thankful birthmomtalks had someone like you to ask that to. i can only imagine if the wrong person had answered that question with the wrong answer...

    God loves us and does not plan harm for us. a lot of our stories have pain in them, but the good parts are straight from God.

    I am glad your meeting at the agency went well, Ty looks like he is doing great :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank you for taking the time and effort to answer my question. It probably wasn't an easy one to find the right words, but you did it.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Very well said...exactly how I feel, except I could not have put it in words better. Mandy, I love that scripture. Thanks for sharing it with all of us.

    Rebekah

    ReplyDelete
  13. RE: Your comment on my blog....we're twins....seperated at birth. HA! HA!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you for this! It's wonderful...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Your post is beautiful. The way you can explain the love in your heart for Ty and Rebekah is something so sweet. Thank God that those of us who cannot conceive naturally still have the chance to be the mother's that we always dreamed of being, and thank God there are selfless women out there who want their children to have what we can offer them. Only God could work this out perfectly.
    Praise be to him.

    ReplyDelete
  16. This is so eloquently written Rebekah! Thank you for this!

    ReplyDelete
  17. This is an absolute perfect post. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Very well written, Rebekah!!!! You have such an amazing heart!! Thanks for sharing your heart and thoughts with us!! =) I am so glad that your meeting with the agency went well!!! Ty is just too cute for words!! =)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Rebekah, you have SUCH a way with words. I have started praying for a book deal for you. I KNOW you have the capability to minister to even more people than you have already with your blog (which is lots!) God has blessed you with such insight and understanding, and the the ability to deliver things so eloquently. You are awesome. :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. I just found your blog and absolutely love it! I have read your story; how beautiful!!! We also are on an adoption journey. I was adopted as an infant and my husband and I are now adopting an eight year old.

    Jenn @ buildingmommymuscles.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  21. You gave a great answer! What a difficult question, but sincerely asked.

    When I say that Andrew was meant for us, I'm talking about how God knows the future, and God knew that Andrew would end up with us as his parents. I also say it to express how well Andrew fits with us. I know that it was no accident, that Andrew wasn't just any baby, but the baby that God wants us to raise as our own. God knows the deepest part of his birth mother's heart, and knew that she would find a peace through adoption that she couldn't find any other way. I, too, know that Andrew's birth mother had a real choice, and could have chosen to parent Andrew, but she chose us. I believe that only God is big enough to have guided her heart to ours and brought us all together.

    ReplyDelete
  22. You so articulately explained your feelings on this subject. It makes so much sense. Hope you and your family are doing well.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Firstly, I love the new look! Second, I love the post! How well said and well written. I try to explain this to people when they ask why I don't harbor any ill-will toward those who wouldn't adopt a child like my son because he is black!

    In a perfect world, in the world the way God intended, we would not see these things. It would not matter. We would not feel that we need "special" skills to raise a child of color. But we live in a fallen world. It is full of hate, bitterness and misunderstanding.

    In God's Eden there would be no mothers separated from their children. There would be no need for adoption! Women wouldn't experience infertility. Children wouldn't be left without homes.

    But thankfully we serve a risen Lord who is above all and knows all. He works through our mistakes and brokenness. He knows our imperfections. And loves us anyway.

    All things work together for the good of those who love him. Who are called according to his purpose.

    ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  24. I think this is my first time commenting on your blog (but I've been reading for awhile). You worded that so perfectly! We adopted domestically last year and are in the process to also adopt for China. Thank you for your post....all those thoughts are in my head but so hard to put into words that make sense to me and to others. Can you imagine how great an adoption bible-study would be?!!

    Thanks again for sharing your wonderful words.

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
  25. Rebekah, this is such a beautiful and graceful answer to a tough question. I haven't walked the road of adoption (yet - but maybe someday), but I thank you for posting the question and answer here, as it is one I'd never really considered. You've handled it so perfectly.

    I love it when God intervenes, and He gets all the glory!

    ReplyDelete
  26. You have a gift, Rebekah. Our Father speaks through you in so many ways. Your journey is the guide for so many of us on the same path.

    Love to you and your new family. God is working through you every single day.

    ReplyDelete
  27. That is beautifully and accurately explained!! Great job Rebekah! I hope that it helped her to understand how all of us Christian adoptive moms feel about the miracle of receiving our children!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Your an excellant writter. I love your blog it has so much in sight on stuff. I have to say I love the new page you put up. It is adorable. It is cute were you put my 2 guy and there cute picture. How sweet and I am so happy that happiness came to you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. "He did connect our worlds and bring us together for one common good." That hit me as the perfect answer to the lady's question. I love it.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Wow, that is definitely a tough question to answer, but as all the other commenters have stated...you have done a great job.

    I love that you are able to so openly articulate your faith and what it means to you...that is something I've always admired about you and the way you tell your story.

    Great job!

    Melba

    ReplyDelete
  31. Even as an adoptive parent, I too have struggled with this sentiment somewhat. My son's birth mother wrote a wonderful letter to both my son and I when I first met her (my son was 6 months old at placement, so we didn't meet before his birth). On the envelope, she wrote "He is for you". I was truly touched but it made me so uncomfortable. I don't view my son's birth mother as a baby factory, having babies just so others can raise them (as you said, just keeping the chick warm). I view her as an important part of my son's life, even if we don't see each other too much due to the distance between us. I know it helped her feel better about her decision, knowing how happy her son would make me. But the whole sentiment left me uncomfortable.

    And yet, I *do* feel that God meant for me to have my son. He allowed me to struggle through the adoption process for 2.5 years, first starting with international, then finally going to domestic because at every failed attempt, I learned something that I need now to parent my son.

    It is almost by strange coincidence that my son was brought to me, through a series of different professionals. Miss one step and he may be with a different family right now. So how can anybody call that a coincidence?

    And yet I have wondered where that leaves his birth family. No, neither I nor God caused her to become pregnant. We human beings do still have free will. I guess I hope that our continued contact, she will feel that God led us together as well, to make a difficult situation more bearable, for all involved. My son's birth mother was not expecting a full open adoption and I can only hope that this small piece helps her feel more whole somehow. God often brings others into our lives to help fill the voids left behind. While I don't presume to think an open adoption can cure all of her pain, I would like to believe that God led us together (as opposed to a different adoptive family) so that at least she can have some comfort in her decision.

    God certainly led you and Ty's birth mother together because you needed each other. I'm sure Rebekah delights in hearing from you about Ty, which hopefully brings her a little bit of comfort as well.

    ReplyDelete
  32. You truly are an amazing writer...

    ReplyDelete
  33. Beautiful words from a wise woman.

    You make adoption look so simple.

    I don't know if you ever think of this but I thought of it driving home the other day (specifically about you and Ben). If God allowed you to get pregnant, now, how would you feel?

    P.S. - Love the blog make-over...=)

    ReplyDelete
  34. Thank you for sharing your story at our waiting families meeting. I am slowly attempting this online thing and just posted our profile to our own blog...small steps, but big encouragement. I appreciate you sharing your story with us.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I have no intentions of being obtrusive... Would you mind elaborating on why you don't believe God made you barren? I interpret it as your purpose was to be there for R and Ty, and that is why you were barren; although, that is only my interpretation. My Great Grandmother was barren. I don't know what I would've done without her. We weren't related by blood, but we were and always will be related by heart.

    ReplyDelete