A Birth Mother's Question Answered

We had a great time at our agency, last week. I love sharing our story and hope that little Ty brought the other waiting families much hope! We talked a lot about networking and our experience with the blog community. I passed on many of your blogs and shared how your support helped me beat this monster, called infertility. Thank you for your help!

Tonight, I want to respond to a very heartfelt comment I received from birthmothertalks, this week. I think it's an important discussion to begin. Starting now...

I enjoy reading your blog and hearing your praise for God. I do have a question and I don't mean to offend you at all. When I hear adoptive parents thanking God for their child or say that God meant this child to be theirs. Can you explain more? As a birthmother and a person who is just learning about God through counseling from a pastor and his wife what I am thinking is that your saying that God wanted you to have this baby and not his birthmother. I know you don't mean it that way, but if God is in charge of you getting him as your son how can he not be responsible for Rebekah's pain and loss?

I know whenever God is involved in the gray issues, it's everyone's opinion for themself. I don't claim to have supernatural knowledge in the area...just a heart after the Father. I've had years to reconcile infertility and adoption...here's what my heart believes.

God did not make me barren. God did not make Rebekah pregnant.

We live in a fallen world, full of sin and responsibility and decisions...and just plain "life." God certainly can intervene...and does...but sometimes he doesn't. For whatever reason, I couldn't get pregnant...and maybe never will. But, God purposed in my heart the desire to be a mom. He certainly could have stepped in, at any time, and healed my body...but what if he had? What about all the babies and foster children out there that need families? What if God healed all the barren women...would there be enough families left to meet the needs of adoption? I admit...we would have never looked at adoption had I been able to conceive. I think it's a fair assumption that if all barren women were miraculously healed, there would be a mass shortage of mommies for children in need...all over the world.

As far as Rebekah goes....God did not make her pregnant. It's a consequence/blessing of sex. She had sex, got pregnant (pardon my bluntness), and found herself in a difficult situation. God was certainly present; aware. He knew Rebekah's heart...what she was going through...and never left her side. He could have miraculously stepped in and provided Rebekah with more money than she knew how to handle....but that still would have left her son without a daddy. Rebekah once told me that the greatest gift she was giving Ty was Ben. She is an excellent mother and would have loved Tyrus in all the ways I do...but she wanted more for him.

There you have it. Two Rebekahs. One was desperately trying to get pregnant and couldn't; the other was not planning on raising another baby and knew she couldn't. Insert God.

It is an absolute truth that God is beginning and end...knower and keeper of time. He knew that little Tyrus would be our son and that Rebekah's life...and my life...would be drastically shaken; our hearts united. He did not impregnate Rebekah, so that Ben and I could have a family....but he did connect our worlds and bring us together for one common good - sweet, baby Ty.

He makes all things well. He does. That doesn't mean that it doesn't cost us. Ty's life came at a huge price. It cost me years of heartache and doubt...and Rebekah....oh, sweet, Rebekah...it cost her everything. But God showed up - illuminated his love on both of our hearts - and eased the pain.

In a perfect world, everyone would be able to have babies...every birth mom would care for her own...every child would have a happy, healthy, loving family...and foster homes and orphanages would never be needed....

It's not a perfect world.

The best we can do is cry out for God's mercy. Ask him for his help. I cried out to the Father, asking to be a mother.... Rebekah cried out to the Father asking for her baby's family... He cradled us under wing and slowly, through time, brought us together. It's not perfect...we're not perfect. But God. He brought beauty from the ashes, he's given us a fresh measure of love, shown his face to our families, and we are forever changed by this process. I know Rebekah well enough to say that she would agree.

I understand why birthmoms might cringe when hearing an adoptive mother say, "God meant this child for me...." or worse, yet, "God made this child for me." I may even be guilty of it...in the newfound blessing of motherhood, our emotions might get away from us. The truth is...God made Tyrus for him. Not me...or Rebekah. We were just given the privelege to love him and guide him.

I love the forum of open adoption because it gives us opportunity to examine all sides of the story. I agree with birthmothertalks. If adoptive parents claim their adoptive children to be "meant" for them, it does sound like we are saying God never intended their birth mothers to raise them. And this is terribly inaccurate...and offensive. It makes the birth mother sound like an incubator of sorts...that her only job is keeping the chick warm, until the right hen comes along.

We can, however, say that God made the perfect match. When I look at Ty, I think of Rebekah...and nothing about our adoption has been short of supernatural. If perfection existed, I think this would be it...

Two Rebekahs, one Ben, and one sweet Tyrus.