FAQ: Managing Insecurity and Offense

I received a lot of emails and phone calls over my "Mom" post a few weeks ago. I was a little surprised to hear that so many people were surprised that I was okay with Ty calling Rebekah, Mom. One reader wrote an extremely honest email and admitted that she would be crushed if her adopted son called his birth mom, Mom. She was writing for pointers on how to be more secure in that relationship.

We were at church, last week, and someone was admiring the boys and said, "Now, Ty is your real son, right?" I smiled and launched into our story on how both of our boys came to be. I love telling it.

I know that many adoptive parents equate adoption ignorance to cruel and intentional insults...I just don't see it that way. I take ignorance for what it is and understand that it is usually bred by curiosity.

Overall, I would say our adoption community is hyper-sensitive when it comes to talking about adoption. Parents spend more time than is necessary trying to prove their place and position...while the child never questions it. 

Before Ty was born, God gave me a revelation that has never left my mind. It was like a bright light turned on the day I realized Tyrus belongs to him. Not Rebekah. Not me.

God privileged us with the opportunity to mother him, but possession belongs to God alone. That really helped me in the early days of getting to know Rebekah. It removed the pressure of having to define our roles in ways that seemed unnatural.

Love is not finite. There is no limit to the amount you can give - or get. We always approached Ty's adoption with this attitude because we knew he could never get his "fill" of love. Rebekah's presence in Ty's life doesn't diminish mine. The same goes for her sister and mother and grandmother. Those relationships don't take away from the ones he has on our side of the family...they just add to it.

I look at Ty calling Rebekah, "Mom", the same way. He wants to call her mom because he understands the breadth of what she did for him. He understands her love and affection and wants to return it in a way that makes sense to him. It's kind of like me calling Ben's mom, mom. She's not the mother that stressed and sacrificed and poured into me for the 20 years I had before marrying Ben, but she has enriched my life in countless ways over the last 11. I call her mom because I want to show her respect, love, and admiration. My mom doesn't feel jealous, insecure, or out of place because of my acknowledgement of Ben's mom. She knows her place. She will always be my mom.

I know that not everyone has that type of relationship with their mother-in-law, but I hope it helps explain why Ty's recent choice of words doesn't bother me.

Ultimately, it comes down to my security in the Lord. I know who I am in Christ, so it's pretty easy to let insecurities roll down my back. When people use the word "real" when referring to my boys or their moms, it doesn't offend me because I know who they are to me and who I am to them. Most of the people we run into have no adoption experience. They just ask the first thing that pops into their head. I don't feel the need to make it a teaching opportunity because most of them will never run into adoption, again. Instead, I use their curiosity as a platform to tell our story and praise God for his goodness!

In just a few short days, Ty will have the opportunity to be with both of his moms and the rest of his extended Colorado family. What a wonderful reunion it will be. I can't wait to get home and tell you all about it!

Doing More. Dreaming Big.

Whether you make new year resolutions/goals or not, I would like to challenge you in something, this year.

Give to a greater capacity. 

I just finished reading an amazing (must-read) book, called "In a Heartbeat: Sharing the power of Cheerful Giving". It is written by the adoptive parents of Michael Oher, Leigh Anne and Sean Tuohy (The Blind Side).

I am not being paid to do this. I got this book for Christmas and was glued to every page. This family did much more than adopt a teenage boy who had slipped through the cracks of a broken foster care system. Their lives have been an act of giving, before and after Michael.

They write (Page 262):

When we see children - children who have previously been invisible - and see them not just with our eyes but with our hearts and in our souls, it's one of the most critical gifts we can give. If Michael, with all of his potential could go missing, then how many other bright, wonderful kids are slipping through the cracks because people don't notice them?

It's not just about adoption. Yes, we need more people to rise up and fill a need. Yes, if one family from every church in America agreed to take one child we could eliminate the registry of waiting children. But, what about the kids that never land in foster care? What about the kids whose neglect isn't as visible?

There are so many parts in this book that moved me to tears. One was when Michael is a freshmen in college and his parents tell him to bring home any of his teammates that don't have family or homes in which to spend the holidays. Michael brings home 25 players. Their spirit of giving is contagious and was built into their children. I am so inspired to reach further and love harder.

Sometimes Ben and I talk about being "done", once we adopt a little sister or sisters for the boys, but then on days like, today, Ben will say, "Do you really ever envision us not raising kids?" We were talking about what life would be like one day when the kids are all grown up. We don't foresee us having an empty house. There's too much to do. Too many babies (big and small) that need love.

We have been house hunting for nearly a year. Our little condo has served us for ten years, but it has reached capacity! We have had two realtors and both would tell you that I am high maintenance. It's more than just a home to me. I am looking for a sanctuary. A place to hold as many beds as possible. There has to be enough room for our kids to be loud and crazy and have room to explore. There has to be room to hold impromptu worship services and prayer sessions. I need a dining room table that seats a minimum of ten. Because I only have a glimpse at what God is doing, I have to be prepared. Of course, my list of must-haves must also fit within a tight budget. But, that's where I trust God.

Our pastor once said, "If you can accomplish your dreams on your own, they're not big enough." That word burrowed deep into the secret place of my heart. I am asking God for BIG things. I am asking him to use me in ways that don't make sense in the natural. I want to be a supernatural giver. Every area of my life.

Won't you join me, this year, in looking for extra ways to give (and tell me about them when you find them!)?

Let's see what God will do.

Mom

Rebekah sent Ty a photobook for Christmas. It's Ty's favorite gift.

Every day he says, "Mom, can I look at my special book?" or "I'm going to put my special book in my special box."

Ty and I have gone to a deeper level in our mother/son relationship.

It was during the week of Christmas. We were sitting on the couch and I was dialing Rebekah when I said, "Come here, babe, we're gonna call Miss Rebekah."

He looked right in my eyes and said, "Mom, I'm going to call her Mom, now, because she's my first mom."

If words could, physically, touch my heart, his did.

All our moments came rushing to me...

I was not envious or insecure or hurt.

I was proud.

In that instant, my baby boy stood as tall as a man. He was secure in my love for him and expressing his love for Rebekah.

I know my job is far from done, but in that moment I felt it was.

Despite our weakness and impatience and miss-the-mark days, Ben and I managed to teach our son how to love beyond himself.

In just a few weeks we will board a plane to Colorado and my sweet Ty will get to call Rebekah "Mom", in person.

The thought brings tears to my eyes.

I will never forget the day we stood in Rebekah's apartment. I watched her say goodbye to her son and kiss every part of his exposed skin. We hugged each other, tightly...afraid to let go. With tears in our eyes, we stood still for a moment and I said, "I will thank you with his life."

She nodded, overtaken with sadness, and let us go.

All of the kind words in the world could never thank Rebekah, enough, for allowing us to raise her son. I am hoping this visit, more than the ones that have been before it, will prove our love for her through Ty's thoughtful words and tender heart.

I know it's our story, but somedays I still can't believe I'm living it.

My mama heart is so full of love for my family.

Christmas Vacation

We had a really fantastic Christmas with the boys. I wouldn't call it relaxing...but life isn't such with two three year olds running around! We went snow tubing, swimming at the aquatic center, experienced our first 3D movie, stayed up late, spent our mornings in pjs, and had hours of quality time with family and friends. Here are a few of my favorite shots from the week.

One of our goals for 2013 is to find the boys a little sister. We feel settled...and ready. I got right to work on that, today, when I emailed our Michigan Adoption Resource Exchange, inquiring about three precious brothers that I have been praying for since I saw them months ago. I was afraid they were going to be split up for waiting so long. I received a call back within a couple of hours letting me know that a family had just been identified. I rejoiced for the boys and said a little prayer of thankfulness. The thought of mothering five boys under the age of 3 was a little daunting!

We are excited for the new year and waiting in anticipation to see how God will use us!

Ty's Special Box

You probably don't remember this box.


I purchased it months before sweet Ty ever came home. I wanted him to have a special box to collect all the mementos of his story. There are pictures, letters, cards, and special gifts from Rebekah and her family in this box. It wasn't that I had forgotten about the box (I add pieces to it every year), but I hadn't thought about the timing of showing it to Ty. One day we were in his closet and Ty said, "Mom what is that up there?"

I carefully brought it down and said, "You know what buddy. This is a very special box. Let's go sit down in the living room and I'll tell you about it." I explained that it was the place that I put everything sent to him by his birth family. I got tears in my eyes when I opened it up and together we went through every piece.

There was a DVD in there that I had forgotten about. Rebekah made it for Ben for his first Father's Day (we hadn't left Colorado, yet). We immediately put it in and watched it together, as a family. Ben and I cried watching the combination of hospital pictures and video clips. Ty asked a hundred questions and was so excited to see "baby Ty".

As we walked through the years of Ty's life in his special box, we read every card and looked at every picture. I explained who each person was and whether or not Ty had met them before. The only thing I didn't let Ty do was to open the letters Rebekah has written him. They are still sealed and I want him to be the first person to read them...not me. There are plenty of other cards and notes to read.

It's been about a month since we looked through the box for the first time. Now, Ty asks me, every few days if he can get it down. I snapped these shots, yesterday.

We are going to Colorado in February and my heart is bursting for that time to come sooner. Ty has such a strong handle on his story and the people in it. To be able to put faces to their names is going to be so special.

I love the story God has written for this little boy.

Promise

I sat with nervous hands on my chest while the technician squirted warm gel on my belly and turned the monitor screen toward me. It was at that moment that I bit my lip to choke back tears.

For a minute I pretended that I was pregnant.

I thought about what it would be like to sit there looking at my baby on the screen. To hear the swish swish of her heart beat and catch a glimpse of her teeny tiny fingers.

I thought about what it would be like to have the most fantastic secret. To see Ben's eyes get wide with excitement and then fill with tears.

I thought about how fun it would be to announce our pregnancy over Christmas festivities - how surprised everyone would be to hear that the girl who couldn't get pregnant, did.

In order to make it through the ultrasound, I, quickly, returned to reality and hammered the technician with questions regarding fibroids, the retroverted uterus that I didn't know I had, and how far technology has come in regards to hysterectomies....After all, that was why I was there.

Sigh.

I hate writing these posts because they shed negative light on the miraculous arrivals of my sons and make me sound ungrateful toward God's goodness...but I have to write these nagging pieces of my story that quiet for a time, but always resurface.

I went in for my annual a few weeks ago and told my doctor about some irregularities that I am experiencing. It only has me concerned because my mom had similar symptoms and had a hysterectomy at 31. I turned 31, this year. The doctor agreed that further testing was needed and sent me in for ultrasounds, today.

I have been operating under a heavy cloud for a couple of weeks thinking about it. Even though I don't think God will open my womb down the road (he has us on a greater mission!), the thought of closing the door to all possibility fills me with sadness.

My heart nearly tore out of my chest, today, watching the ultrasound monitor. I had many pelvic ultrasounds when we were going through fertility treatments, but this was the first time I had one, topically. As fun as it was to dream for a few minutes, it was devastating to come back to the real world.

It's something I can't talk about....not even with Ben.

It's just this secret place in my heart that I don't venture to very often. A place where I can long to be normal and wish that babies didn't have to come at such sacrifice.

I let my dark cloud dampen my heart for the rest of the day, until LJ snuggled up into my arms and fell asleep on my chest. That boy longs for affection and comes for it when he needs it most. I held him tight and thanked God for the family that he's building...so rich and colorful and full of life.

I know he understands my sadness and desire for more children. He hugs me close, whispers I love yous, and assures me that his plan is still unfolding...

What great peace I find in that promise.

Understanding Adoption at Age 3

Last night, Ty started the most thoughtful, insightful, conversation we have had about adoption, yet. Then...a few hours later, LJ shared his wisdom. It is amazing to me what these three year old boys are capable of processing and expressing.

First with Ty's story. We were making dinner and Ty said, "Did my first mama, Miss Rebekah, live here with my when I was a baby?"

Ben: No, but she took really good care of you in her belly before you were born.

Me: That's right. Remember how you were born in Colorado? Rebekah stayed in Colorado and we brought you home to Michigan.

Ty: Mom, did that make Miss Rebekah very sad not to live with me? [Insert lump in throat]

Ben: Yes, Ty. She was really sad...she loves you SO much.

Ty: Is she still sad?

Me: Miss Rebekah is sad that she doesn't get to see you every day, but she is so happy that you get to live with us.

Ty: We should go see her so that she can be really happy!

Me: We are going to do that in February, remember? You, and Mommy, and Daddy.

Ty: But, I want my brother to come.

Me: I know, but this is a very special trip that you get to take with Mommy and Daddy.

I think the conversation switched to cheese after that, but I was floored with the tenderness Ty showed. I am so excited to take Ty to see Rebekah in February, she hasn't seen him since he was around 20 months old. My how much has changed! It will be so cool to re-introduce Ty to his Colorado family, show him the hospital he was born in, the places we took him, and watch him interact with Rebekah. I am giddy with anticipation, it is going to be such a rich time!

Later that night, we were laying with the boys in their beds and LJ said, "Miss Rebekah is Ty's first mom."

Me: That's right, buddy.

LJ: Ty is adopted just like me.

Me: That's right, too.

LJ: 'Member how Buddy went to find his first dad?

Me: What?

LJ: Buddy went to find his first dad in that movie.

Me: Oh....that's right! LJ, you are so smart. What a good memory you have!

We watched Elf a few weeks ago and used it as an opportunity to talk about adoption (I had forgotten about that part of the story!)

I love that my boys are piecing together their stories and exploring the meaning of adoption. It breaks my heart, however, that Laron's story is spotty at best and, currently, void of first parents. We haven't decided what to do about that, yet. We keep going back and forth about whether or not we want to give LJ a special "G-Mama" (Godmother). Part of us feels like it's unnatural to fabricate an important figure, while the other part sees how he is already starting to reconcile his story with Ty's.

In talking about it tonight, Ben suggested finding a male mentor that shares his race to help teach him about his culture. We are still chewing on it, trying to determine what will be the most beneficial to our second born. I am also holding out hope that LJ's mom will respond to my letter (I haven't written it, yet). From everything I see on Facebook, it's far-reaching...but the mom in me has to try.

The dichotomy is difficult to parent. In no way can we reduce Ty's kinship with his first mom or pull back on the healthy, open relationship that exists, but watching LJ battle the difference in his story is heartbreaking. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I'm praying on it.

Either way, I am encouraged that my little lovers are secure and confident in our family and their respective adoptions. It's really fun watching them grow.