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I sat with nervous hands on my chest while the technician squirted warm gel on my belly and turned the monitor screen toward me. It was at that moment that I bit my lip to choke back tears.
For a minute I pretended that I was pregnant.
I thought about what it would be like to sit there looking at my baby on the screen. To hear the swish swish of her heart beat and catch a glimpse of her teeny tiny fingers.
I thought about what it would be like to have the most fantastic secret. To see Ben's eyes get wide with excitement and then fill with tears.
I thought about how fun it would be to announce our pregnancy over Christmas festivities - how surprised everyone would be to hear that the girl who couldn't get pregnant, did.
In order to make it through the ultrasound, I, quickly, returned to reality and hammered the technician with questions regarding fibroids, the retroverted uterus that I didn't know I had, and how far technology has come in regards to hysterectomies....After all, that was why I was there.
Sigh.
I hate writing these posts because they shed negative light on the miraculous arrivals of my sons and make me sound ungrateful toward God's goodness...but I have to write these nagging pieces of my story that quiet for a time, but always resurface.
I went in for my annual a few weeks ago and told my doctor about some irregularities that I am experiencing. It only has me concerned because my mom had similar symptoms and had a hysterectomy at 31. I turned 31, this year. The doctor agreed that further testing was needed and sent me in for ultrasounds, today.
I have been operating under a heavy cloud for a couple of weeks thinking about it. Even though I don't think God will open my womb down the road (he has us on a greater mission!), the thought of closing the door to all possibility fills me with sadness.
My heart nearly tore out of my chest, today, watching the ultrasound monitor. I had many pelvic ultrasounds when we were going through fertility treatments, but this was the first time I had one, topically. As fun as it was to dream for a few minutes, it was devastating to come back to the real world.
It's something I can't talk about....not even with Ben.
It's just this secret place in my heart that I don't venture to very often. A place where I can long to be normal and wish that babies didn't have to come at such sacrifice.
I let my dark cloud dampen my heart for the rest of the day, until LJ snuggled up into my arms and fell asleep on my chest. That boy longs for affection and comes for it when he needs it most. I held him tight and thanked God for the family that he's building...so rich and colorful and full of life.
I know he understands my sadness and desire for more children. He hugs me close, whispers I love yous, and assures me that his plan is still unfolding...
What great peace I find in that promise.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
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I had my hysterctomy about 2 years ago at 31. When you have 2 children you feel like you should be grateful, but it felt more like a really sad ending.
ReplyDeleteGod has done amazing things with our family since then, but I still ache a little sometimes when I realize I can never get the "surprise."
Praying for you sister.
((hugs)) Rebekah, I sat on a similar table a month ago, just weeks away from my 30th birthday. The one I've dreaded since my mother's hysterectomy at 30 for fibroids too. And as my testing continues my heart breaks knowing where the end result may lead me. Throw in we've been waiting 2 years for #2 to join the family and feeling further away instead of closer to our future little one...it's been a rough month to say the least. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers from here.
ReplyDeleteOh Rebekah....I do know exactly how you feel. I've had lots of ultrasounds to detect tumors growing on my ovaries (as a result of endometriosis) and lost one ovary as a result. We have additional IF struggles, so our issues are so compounded that a pregnancy would be truly miraculous. So many times I've watched the screen hoping against hope to see a baby, but all that's ever been there have been tumors and cysts.
ReplyDeleteYou worded this exactly in the way that I feel about infertility before and after adoption. I don't want to talk about it because I am afraid it casts a negative light on how our son came to us, when in actuality I could not be more grateful for him and the precise way he became ours. There are in my heart, though, longings I can't explain or give words to, that I feel guilty for expressing. I don't let myself go "there" very often because I want to live in thankfulness. But, I know the feelings you are expressing so well...you're not alone.
Praying for you.
Oh hun...you NEED to allow yourself moments of grief, disappointment, anger, whatever. It takes NOTHING away from your love and devotion for your two boys. Life is about ups and downs, and I truly believe that in order to grow and learn and be the best we can be, we have to fully experience BOTH the ups and the downs. I am so sorry you are going through this....you are an amazingly strong woman, wife, mom, etc...part of that is allowing the sadness. Thinking of you....
ReplyDeleteyour story makes me think of the tabernacle in the old testament.
ReplyDeleteit was made of gold and silver and ornately carved wood, set with gems and ivory. and God's glory dwelt inside.
but from the outside, it didn't look like much more than a heap of animal skins, because it was entirely covered.
God veils his beauty. our discovering it in unexpected places is part of his gift to us. like the christmas carol says - veiled in flesh the Godhead see. (Jesus and the tabernacle both :))
there are so many examples of this in scripture - an unwed mother bearing the Son of God, a christian-killer spreading the good news, a bloody cross the cradle of eternal life.
and maybe here
the bruise of infertility on a mother-heart that beats fierce with love. God veils his beauty in an empty womb, and reveals it in the glory of a joy-knit family.
your story makes my heart ache with its loveliness. thank you for being such an open and honest mom.
Janelle,
DeleteYou have me in tears! This is so beautiful...thank you for the reminder, today.
WOW! So very moving and inspiring! From a fellow infertility struggler, God is using you in tremendous ways.. even in your dark days!! Thank you and praying for your comfort!!
ReplyDeleteThat LJ is one adorable precious boy!
ReplyDeletei still think about what it would be like to get pregnant again though that chance is so so so very small. and while i love our son...and the future child we adopt!...i can't help but imagine what hearing the thump-thump-thump would feel like.
ReplyDeletethank you for posting such honesty. it's beautiful and refreshing.
big hugs! that brought back a lot of memories for me. ultrasounds are so hard for the reasons you mentioned above. wanted to encourage you to always get a 2nd opinion before any surgery. I've found this is not only best for peace of mind but have also found that two drs will often come up with entirely different opinions/ treatment plans
ReplyDeleteRebecca i will pray your tests come back normal. I
ReplyDeletespent 15 years in sadness over infertility even with our three beautiful adopted children. God had amazing plans though and shocked us all with a surprise pregnancy and then further with twins. I sit here now at 12 weeks in awe that God saw fit to open my womb. Don't give up. Never cease praying. God does answer just in his timing and I see this now. I needed to be available for my three CPS adoptions. I will pray that your tests are normal and that God answers your hearts desire sooner than later. (((hugs))))
Oh, Kriss, that is AMAZING!!!! I didn't know that! And twins? You must be over the moon. I am so happy for you; this made my night! :)
DeleteStraight to my heart. You are a gift - eventhough I have no idea who you are in real life! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteRebekah,
ReplyDeleteI, like Kriss, went through years and years of infertility treatments and tests. Year after year after year passed and I was so weary. The desire for a child is so great it is hard to explain. Your arms literally ache and you love someone so deeply that you have never even met. Your family is beautiful and just as it should be at this time. Your desire for a child conceived with your wonderful husband is natural and in no way diminishes the beauty of your family. We were told by 3 doctors that we would not have children and after 15 years and accepting we would never conceive we had a precious little girl. Looking back I know without a doubt the Lord orchestrated all of it, the struggles and the blessings. I pray that the Lord will continue to allow you to find purpose in what you are going through. If you ever want to talk, email me at amoon48@hotmail.com. 1 Peter 1:7.
Ashley
What a beautiful, powerful, and honest depiction of what so many of us (guys too?) feel.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for what you are going through. I know this is not the same, but when I has my daughter almost 2 years ago, they told me that due to scar tissue from repeated c-sections I could only have 1 more child. :( After that it would be life threatening. I know I have had "enough" children by most people's standards, but the decision to be done I had hoped would be my decision to make. If and when I have another child, it will be so bittersweet.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this and for being real. Sending a hug your way, I am sorry for this loss.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know that having fibroids does not mean that you have to have a hysterectomy. In January of this year, I had surgery to remove a 14 cm. fibroid that weighed 2 lbs. I am very grateful that the Lord provided for the surgery (my husband and I don't have insurance) and that we were guided to a physician who didn't automatically tell me that a hysterectomy was the only option since we are also still waiting on the Lord to give us children. God makes ALL things beautiful...in HIS time. Just wish sometimes it would be sooner rather than later. :)
ReplyDeleteYou are so precious and your posts always give me a gut punch. Of all of the people who should be blessed to carry a child…you are one that should be. God is using you but I am still sorry for all that you have gone through. Your family is so beautiful.
ReplyDeleteWhile I have never really desired to be pregnant, I wanted to have a baby. I don't know that it makes sense. I wanted those things too: the ultrasound, the taking the test and surprising my husband, the baby shower before the baby. But, today I stood in church, holding my Jackson and praising the Lord for the way it happened and praying in the next breath for Rachel (his birth mother.) I was never surprised that I couldn't conceive. I just had to grieve the loss of all those normal pregnancy things. And, let me say, that the baby shower we did have after Jackson came home was maybe the biggest and most special event I had ever attended. We opened gifts for hours. I wrote 162 thank you notes. Jackson was not only a gift to us, but to our entire church family. Today he was surrounded by so much love and I know it is as God intended. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteMe too, Rebekah. Me too. My tubal ligation of a month ago still fills me with sadness that after nine and half years of marriage and 5 precious treasures through adoption...my time has ended.
ReplyDeleteI know that in that end there are many new beginnings where i won't be tied down with awful periods and cramping and pain- both physical and emotional.
Our children heal our hearts and one day in Heaven our Lord will heal our bodies.
this brought instant tears to my eyes...i completely get it and have such similar thoughts and feelings....big hugs!
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is thank you. Thank you Rebekah.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I will be turning 38 this year. I have laid on the table for my share of ultrasounds wondering dreaming only to be brought back to the reality that it's not my time...not sure if it will ever be. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one. I appreciate your transparency.
ReplyDeleteI've been there as well. After years of battling infertility, my first abdominal u/s was AFTER my hysterectomy, and I just wondered for a small moment a miracle occurred somehow. (We had just signed with our agency and have since adopted our amazing baby girl!) Crazy, I know, but I think that's just how a woman's mind can work. On the other hand, my hysterectomy was almost a year ago at age 43 and completely ended. I was SO tired of it all and it truly eased my mind and ended the monthly mind tricks that continued to plague me.
ReplyDelete