Wednesday, September 17, 2014


I prayed all morning over a letter I had written to Sweet Boy and Little Miss' birth mother, trying to figure out whether or not my intentions were genuine. Would my letter offer her peace...or was it, merely, a way to soothe my conscious? I wrestled with the question and did  my best to stuff my nerves.

I am ready for this part of our journey to be behind us. The other day Ben took the boys out for lunch and as Sweet Boy came back into the house he knelt down beside his sister and said, "Sissy. It's always so good to come home." He went on with his day, but his words stopped my heart. Sweet Boy knows he's home. Adoption will be the final key to opening a future of security.

I walked into the courtroom and listened to the attorneys lay out the morning. 1, 2, 3 to termination. Barring any further courthouse fires it seemed straight forward.

It wasn't.

My compassion tank emptied the minute birth mom and dad were escorted in. Matching jumpsuits. Shackled.

I was angry. So angry. Angry that in the past month she was willing to jeopardize her future.

It all unraveled from there.

She voluntarily signed over her rights in hopes to keep the baby boy she is pregnant with, now, but dropped a bomb on the way to her seat. Sweet Boy's "father" was in the room to petition the court for custody. Even though a different father had been removed from the record for abandonment, a month earlier. The young kid stepped forward and was as Caucasian as Caucasian comes. The judge drilled him on his story, timing, and intent.

He let the kid know that he was too late...but given his "recent discovery" of his alleged son, he was willing to give him a chance. The judge pushed our next court hearing out two months and ordered a DNA test for a kid who could never be Sweet Boy's father based on race alone.

No one fought for us.

When it was all said and done, one of the attorneys sneered and asked me if I happened to have a picture of Sweet Boy on me. I had several sitting inside the letter I never delivered to birth mom. I pulled one out and they all laughed at the ridiculousness of the claim. The boy's appointed attorney said, "Well that makes my job easier!"

I wanted to vomit. It's just a game. Time doesn't matter. Little hearts don't matter. It's all about winning. And they know they'll win....eventually.

There were several moments that I wanted to jump up and shout, but was forced to take it all in as a "nobody" in the crowd. No one asked my thoughts or cared enough to hear about how a goodbye visit would affect my Sweet Boy.

I let myself be angry all afternoon, but then nearly sobbed when I picked Sweet Boy up from school. We packed in the car and as he belted, he said, "Hey, mom, what are you thinking for dinner?" For him, today was just like any other day.

How on earth am I going to prepare him for a goodbye with a mother he is not attached to that is distraught from grief, followed up by a DNA test with a "father" he has never met, that looks nothing like him?

I am so burdened by the thought of putting him through any further confusion. I know that God will protect his he already has, this far. I'm just trying to sort it all out in my heart.

This mess isn't just a problem for my kids. It's a problem for all kids. 


  1. "I wanted to vomit. It's just a game. Time doesn't matter. Little hearts don't matter."
    This seems all too true, too often. I think that judges/lawyers all need to attend PRIDE training (or whatever the USA equivalent is). Perhaps then they would understand that there are little lives behind their delays and ridiculous decisions!

  2. When I saw your post on FB yesterday, my heart broke...although I didn't know the details, I knew it wasn't good, now reading your blog post, I know and my heart breaks even more! :( How could anyone even entertain the idea that Sweet Boys dad is caucasian!??! This seems SO insane to me, as a complete stranger, that I can't even imagine what it does to your heart, as his Mommy! As a Christian, I know His timing is perfect, but my gracious, it's SO hard to understand sometimes. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.
    Love and prayers from a stranger in Maryland, who has been following since Ty came home! :)

  3. I know that foster care is new to you. The workers and lawyers HAVE TO provide a DNA test to every Moe, Larry and Curly that appear saying he's the donor. But. Rebekah, God's timing is PERFECT. HE will protect Sweet Boy's heart. He will walk you through these next few weeks and months. He hasn't forgotten about you or turned His head. He is faithful. Trust Him.

  4. God gives us what we can must be amazingly strong to be a ble to handle so much...sending love to you and your kids

  5. Thinking of you and your family. Sweet boy is lucky to have you and Ben and his siblings and it is so unfair that he has to go through this.

  6. We don't know each other, but I found your blog and follow it very closely. I've grown to love you, Ben Ty, LJ, Sweet Boy and Little Miss. I'm praying for you all, and as I'm sure you are, I'm anxiously awaiting the day when Sweet Boy and Little Miss are forever legal members of your family. You're doing a great job at making them feel like it already. Remember that many people, even strangers like me, are praying for you.

  7. Praying for Sweet Boy & Lil Miss!!!

  8. There are no adequate words to describe the brokenness of the "system". We are in the process of foster care adoption ourselves. It has been one of the most emotionally challenging things I have ever walked through. I am praying for your Mommy Heart and for your babies!