Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Thank You For Loving My Boy


I came across a special binder for Ty, this weekend, that had completely dropped from my mind.

A few weeks after Rebekah contacted us for the first time, I started printing all of our email conversations. At the time, I had no idea our relationship would evolve the way it did and I wanted to preserve every word she wrote. I held Rebekah's emails sacred as they created chained links of history for the baby in her belly. She wrote with such confidence and passion, I knew the love that poured from the pages needed to be read by her child.

I will convey her love the best I know how, but it will never be the same as coming right from her heart. Which is one of a multitude of reasons that I thank God for the openness of our adoption.

Reading through our words set me in a whirl of emotion. I printed every email during the six months we had to get to know each other before Tyrus was born and included several right after his birth. The laughs and cries came often as I poured over the pages. My very first email to Rebekah (hours after receiving the call) started like this:

Hi Rebekah, it's Rebekah! First of all, I have only ever met one other person that spelled her name the same way as mine...That definitely makes us instant friends! :)


I'm not really sure what to say here...My heart is beating out of my chest and I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since our agency called a couple of hours ago...I'm afraid I might say too much...or too little...that I'll scare you with my exuberance or shock you with my calm. I don't know what "adoption etiquette" would say about how our first conversation should go...All I know how to do is to speak from the heart, so here I go...

I know this is why Rebekah and I are so close. We've never hidden truths that we're experiencing, no matter how difficult it is for the other Rebekah to hear. We're honest and open and real about how this experience has shaped us as women and even more as moms.

Our first several weeks of emails are so funny, they read like two girls staying up way past their bedtimes to catch up on random news. We talk about everything from junior high camp to favorite late night snacks. One minute we're talking about bad country music and the next we're exchanging words like these:

(Written by me) My favorite part of the entire song is that he wipes away our tears and returns the wasted years...I have a lot of wasted years...Years of hoping, praying, begging God to give me a baby. I've spent so much time down in the pit, there were days I thought I would never get up. I am so thankful that our God returns the wasted years. That he heals our broken hearts and brings peace to our madness. I'm sorry that you've gone through so much in your young life...that you are raising your kids alone...that life isn't the way you planned. But, I believe that God will breathe life on both of us...that both of our wasted years will be replaced and that we'll be filled with overflowing joy in the years to come. I may not be able to feel the baby moving, but I do feel God moving and I know he's not finished with us, yet.

And then there's the "It's a Boy!!!!" Email. I will never forget where Ben and I sat when we read the news, together. I'll never forget the tears that streamed down my face, the love that poured from my heart for this woman and her baby that I barely knew.

The post-birth emails were the hardest to read. Our gain at Rebekah's loss is devastating. The last email in the book was written by Rebekah:

I just love you both so much. I wanted to tell you that I am so glad you are Ty's parents. You are wonderful with him. I love the way you look at him and how you kiss him and how protective you both are over him. You really are naturals. Thank you for loving my boy, I love you for it.

Those words hit me in the gut every time. Even now, twelve plus months later, my eyes well.

I will never understand Rebekah's loss. I will never understand her inside-curling pain at handing her son to me or what it must be like to watch him grow, many states away. I do know, however, that God has brought redemption to both of our situations. He has shown himself faithful. Although adoption isn't God's first choice, there is still perfection in his plans.

I'm reminded of that, this week, after reading through this amazing binder meant for Ty. I hope Tyrus is knocked off his feet, one day, by the love of his heavenly Father. That God cared so much for him he gave him two mothers, with the same name, that care more about him and each other than themselves.

I know this is our life and our story. Something we live every day. But, sometimes I stand back, look at all the pieces, and can barely breathe. Just when it seems too good to be true, chubby little hands grab my face and wet my lips with slobbery, unprompted kisses.

It's true and real and good.

14 comments:

  1. wow! i got a little weepy reading that.... The same way becky said thank you for loving her boy,,, thats my heart in saying thank you for loving my cousin and her boy...you and ben are good people!

    cindie

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  2. Thank you for sharing these personal messages. They are beautiful and truly reflect God's amazing power.

    I want to comment on your words, "Adoption is not God's first choice." I have to disagree. For many families Adoption is very much God's first choice. Adoption is not a 1st or 2nd choice, but a choice. God knows His ways, and knows exactly how our children are to come into our hearts and arms. That indeed is His first choice for a fallen world. What a wonderful plan is His.

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  3. I'm in tears again. While we didn't have 6 months to get to know our daughter's first mom the days we did have were amazing. And I've told people before, to me it was like we were two girls in high school sharing all the silly stories and then deep secrets with each other. We lived states away but had almost identical lives. God definitely knew what he was doing bringing us all together to love one child. Two mothers who share our perfect little girl. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  4. Another touching, beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this with us. We just turned in our adoption application yesterday, which was both exciting and scary. We can't wait to see what's next for us.

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  5. Thank you for sharing your heart. It is such a blessing.

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  6. God loves His two Rebekahs and His one little Ty. He also loves a certain "little Benny."

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  7. This post brought tears to my eyes... Good ones. I am so amazed how God works his miracles. :)J

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  8. I guess I am an emotional wreck today, but I was completely moved. I have seen my sister grow since that very day of giving birth to Ty. I am so glad that you and Ben are Ty's parents. He is on happy little boy.

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  9. As others have said, what a beautiful post! I can now begin to relate as our "possible" daughter's birthmom and I have been exchanging letters, and we just met her and dad last weekend. I will always cherish her letters, for myself and for our daughter. They are beautiful and each one brings tears to my eyes. I think I will start a memory box for all of it. This process is so incredible and I feel so blessed to be a part of it.

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  10. You have such a beautiful little one!

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  11. Wow- another touching, powerful post!! I an often amazed at the depth of my emotions and how I can suddenly go from being prefecly calm or really happy to being a weepy mess after reading a post like this! I'm so happy for Ty and for you and Rebekah that you can have such a wonderful friendship. I'm happy that the generations of adoptees that follow my generation of strictly closed adoptions don't have to live for decades not knowing their own story like I and so many other adoptees have had to. I simply can't read Ty's story with out thinking of how different it is from my own and I'm happy that open adoption exists now, even if I didn't benifit from it. I'm glad that the era of extream shame over a crisis pregnancy that led to birth mothers being "sent away" and told that they had to give their babies up to protact them from the shame of being "illegitimate" or even as they said back then "a bastard" are over!! I'm glad that birth mothers today have choices, even if there is still, naturaly, a lot of emotional pain involved!! Thanks for sharing, Rebeckah!! HUGS
    Tracy

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  12. Rebekah- Sorry I spelled your name wrong in my last comment!! I knew it looked wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong!! I always hate rereading comments and seeing how many typos and misspellings ones like that one contain! Right before I wrote that comment I had been crying my eyes out and that made me tired! Maybe I should wait to write comments until I have my emotions under better control!
    I still love this blog and I love Rebekah's blog too!! Checking for new posts and finding a gem like this one make my day, even if I do become a weepy mess temporaraly!

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  13. Rebakah, I have read your wonderful blog for awhile but not commented. Ty is so blessed to have both of you in his life. You are such an amazing Mommie. Thank You for sharing your life.

    Praying here for my upcoming Baby Boy as he has failed his last 2 BPPs. Praying this weeks new test turns out perfect. Have a great week. Blessings,

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